Operating on about 3 hours of sleep combined, my husband of 40 hours sat across from me shoe-less, his shirt up around his pasty nipples while another man rubbed him up and down. While an awkward woman rubbed my butt and patted down my vagina, our eyes met. Without attracting any more attention, I mouthed “I’m sorry.” His eyes smiled right before the man grazed his balls with his elbow. Then he wasn’t smiling anymore.

It was all my fault. Honestly.

Later, he expressed, several screwdrivers to the wind, that this was his first experience with being singled out and searched by airport security.

Mouth full of egg and cheese biscuit and several screwdrivers drunk myself, I slurred, “Well, dude, at least they didn’t take you to that back room.” I took a long drag off my drink, “Because that shit is WHACK.” I paused. “And hey, they let me keep one of my lighters.”

The Daver looked less than pleased.

“I’m sorry,” I said, chastised. “It’s all my fault.”

But was it? Was the issue with having a face (presumably) like a terrorist my fault? Certainly I’d been stopped by customs and security more times than I could possibly count, singled out from a crowd each and every time I flew since I was a small child. My father and brother, who turn equally brown-skinned in the sun, get it also, but not as badly as I do.

I can’t put a toe into an airport without securing a nice frisking and potential strip-search.

While I can easily claim that I *am* an asshole, the moment I hit the airport, I turn into the idiot sister from Hee-Haw. I’m all “Golly Gee,” this and “Jeepers, Mister,” that with a side of “Gee wilikers” thrown in for good measure. You’ll never see a more ridiculously PC, G-rated version of me.

And still. And yet. And how.

I’ve learned to show up to the airport extra EXTRA early. I’ve learned that flip-flops–even in the dead of winter in Chicago–are the footwear of champions, and I know to wear loose baggy pants for easy up and down access.

But this begs the question. Why me? Was I marked as a potential terrorist when I was a baby? Is this on my ever-fucking Permanent Record?

I’m going to Vegas in two weeks at the ass-crack of dawn and I’m certain that on each leg of the trip, I will be searched up and down, and God forbid I pack the wrong toothpaste or something, because I am hoping to make it to my destination.

With the new regulations, though, it’s likely I’ll have to have The Sex with the TSA to make my flights. Maybe I’ll walk.

Vegas or bust, baby.

48 thoughts on “The Unfriendly Skies

  1. I would stick a ton of Ferraro Rocher in your carry on as a bribe. No? I’m out then. Sorry. Fantasize about someone else while your having The Sex then. It will be over quick. Maybe not so painless though. 🙁

  2. When are you going to Vegas? The hubs and I are going the 13 through 16- at the butt crack of dawn.

    I’ve been molested by the TSA more times than I can count. I had my sparkle cell phone stolen, pony hair heeled flip flops ruined by their bomb detecting liquid, and had my pants unzipped in the middle of security so they could shove one of those wands down there-I’ve had less invasive sex. They hate me. I also got them to specifically list that snow globes can’t be in carryon luggage after my year long war of hate against them.

    I’m sure with the new regulations, I will be standing naked spread eagle in departures.

  3. I am so freaking lucky, I had no idea. All I ever have is lost luggage. And delays in Detroit. But that sounds scary horrible. Also? This is why we drive a lot more now. Oh, and the 3 kids. Anyway, I hope you don’t have to have the Sex with the TSA because I have a feeling they will not be very good at foreplay.

  4. Well, it’s good to know you’re still telling this story. Put $100 on 00 for me and I’ll split the profits with you when we win.

  5. Bummer, dude. That sucks. I’ve been singled out more times than I can count and I have no idea why. And I always get the pissy, sweaty, heavy breathing fat guy, too. I’d need some pretty heavy sedatives to get though the “she don’t got nuttin’ in her va-gin-a ‘cept my manhood” search…and then some antibiotics. And a therapist.

  6. Hi Babydoll,

    I’m sorry I’ve been away. I’ve been sick, weird sick, and then I just got super busy and then I shut down to work on writing and blaa, blaa, blaa. Anyway, the point is, I’m back and I have to say I’m feelin’ you. I am the very same way. My theory is they go out of their way to not profile, so they pick the least suspecting people. You look no more like a terrorist than me. It’s ridiculous. I am now spared the pat downs because our airport was the second airport in the nation to get the nekked scan. They probably have pinups of me in that scanning room, they’ve got so many of me. On second thought, no. They probably burn their retinas on my scan. But I will say, I just go willingly, knowing they are the assholes. Assholes who are one finger away from a body cavity search. So I am as polite as can be when it comes to the TSA.

  7. When I was in Zurich, before this TSA gropey-happy huge issue exploded, I was seriously accosted by a female security guard there… and it was just a layover (I never understand that, but I digress).

    She grabbed my crotch and did things I do NOT think were appropriate, but we were segregated off by a curtain. My BF didn’t even know where I went, she whisked me off so damn fast. I was terrified.

    It’s total bullshit. The bad guys always figure a way around it, anyhow.

    Like razor sharp credit cards or some shizz. It ain’t right, I say.

  8. Dude. You have laid eyes on my incredible WASP-ness that is blonde hair & blue eyes. Not to mention the fact that I drawl out “y’all” & “fixin’ to.”


    I made the mistake of buying a one-way ticket up to Philly only a year or so after 9/11 & ever since then, I’ve been singled out, personally searched, & had my bags searched on every flight. These days, I just carry my passport with me as my sign of identification.

  9. This happens to my husband, too. Last year one of the workers finally cracked and told him that his name is on a database of people who need to be questioned. It will simply happen to him every time he flies. Ever. Period. I bet you’re on there too.

    Look on the bright side. Ummm. . .errrr. . .

  10. My hubby’s bag ALWAYS gets searched and he often arrives without it. That’s his fault because he thinks a hiking backpack is lighter/easier to carry than a rolling duffel.

    He’s had his wang measured with the high tech wang-measuring device, but he’s only had th eball fondle in Belgium, and that’s because he acidentally left change in his pocket & set off the metal detector.

    I think if I start walking to Vegas now, I might get there by the time my kids are old enough for me to leave them. Oh wait. Damn. Guess I’ll have to wait on that plan.

  11. My husband gets the same treatment. The funny thing is that we haven’t been to the airport since the new searching began. And he has the biggest personal space bubble ever. We’ll probably never fly again.

  12. It’s the loose pants-since the Underwear-bomber. And don’t wear bras with underwire.
    They like to go through my luggage. The last time, they pulled out my blood pressure medicine from the plastic bag in my suitcase (where I keep all our medical stuff, like band-aids, imodium, Excedrin Migraine,Alleve, etc. Apparently we like to eat, drink and get minor scrapes) and laid it in top of my clothes. These prescription meds were in the original containers.

    Of course, being overweight and over 50, maybe i don’t have so much to worry about as far as pat-downs.

  13. By the time all’s said and done, we’ll be flying nekkid cause some jackoff will figure out how to make fabric fibers explosive. Which of course means that children will no longer be allowed to fly (nekkid people! ho noes! :O spare the children!) which means I will never fly again unless I have a vacation to myself. Which, BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’ll happen.

    Maybe it’s all for the good, though, these security thingies. Flying will fall by the wayside and maybe we’ll get nifty trains like Japan has. Maglev! ZOOM!

  14. I hate to be the only downer here, but everyone who flies needs to opt out of the scanners. That radiation stays in your skin. They’ll compare it to getting an x-ray, but an x-ray is less likely to cause cancer compared to these things. The groping is total BS too. Imagine your kids having to be groped like that. Please don’t think it doesn’t affect you either. They’re trying to get these thigs put in everywhere, all mass pulic transportation. To hop a train, to go to a bus station they will irradiate you. It’s just another right being taken away. Anyway, Aunt Becky you terrorist! It’s because you have a blog and tell people they need to shut their whore mouths 😛 The TSA doesn’t like being called whores, they prefer ‘women/men of the scanner’. (like ladies of the night? Get it? No? okay, I’ll shaddup now).

    1. I totally agree! Before this nutso up in security, I flew quite often for someone who doesn’t do it for business (probably once to three times per year), and even then when I got felt up I kinda wanted to say, “Thank you, Mistress, may I have another?” LOL I don’t even want to know how “thorough” the searches are now.

      As for radiation, the less we’re exposed to any kind of any amount, the better. Stepping into one of those things is like asking to glow, especially if you travel often. If they try to put them in all public transpo, I may just have to cut a bitch. xD

  15. Dude, I totally saw a news story last week where a girl wore a string bikini under a trench coat because she has the same problem. So you should just do something like that. How long can they keep you if you’re just plain sexy under a long coat?

    Plus I like the idea of picturing you in a string bikini. HOT.

    1. Also? Definitely mess with the TSA people, because I always do. Ask if there will be a strip search but sound super duper excited about it and moan a little bit like you enjoy being patted down. It brings humor.

      Unless you get the one woman who REALLY enjoys her job … like too much. Because I’ve had her and she’s terrifying. Don’t be fooled by the fact that she smells like warm vanilla.

  16. I am sorry about that Aunt Becky – I have friends who used to work for the TSA – until about maybe four years ago?? three? Can’t remember – but they would have been nice to you I am sure.

  17. Its the international airport’s security that you have to watch out for, those bastards NEVER call you again! Just because they have a sexy foreign accent and shit! Jerks! …:-)

  18. I was a flight attendant for 10 years (United) and I would still get frisked– uniform & badge, or traveling in jeans. Pre 9-11, Post 9-11. Didn’t matter. I do not mind being frisked all over. What I *DO* mind is them pawing through my luggage , lifting up my socks and undies for everyone to see. “Yo, Louie–she has blue undies with lace on the edges! Also, looks like she has a spending problem, she has way too much stuff in here that she really doesn’t even need.” NICE.



    1. moderated? robot? do robots wear blue undies with lace at the edges and pack way too much stuff that they don’t even need? come on. (If such a robot exists, maybe I should have married him?)


  19. When I lived in Europe I travelled a lot – with a SIX YEAR OLD.

    And I was directed to the enhanced search area EVERY TIME.

    And I do NOT tan. I am glow in the dark woman. What profile does a pasty-faced, mother of a six-year-old, carrying around 15 extra pounds, woman fit exactly??

    Do they think I’m going to take down an airplane with happy meal toys???

    And wait…husband of 40 hours? What? When was this?

  20. I say buy yourself some of those handy vibrating panties ( http://www.adameve.com/lingerie/womens-wear/panties-thongs/sp-vibrating-boy-shorts-13985.aspx ) … cause I know if I’m gonna get groped, and I KNOW it’s gonna happen in advance, why not make an adventure out of it?!?!?!

    if they’re gonna pat, err, fondle, err, molest you whether they spot anything of concern or not, might as well make it worth your while to get the rub down and get something other than wasted time out of the deal. of course, you might want to be sure that personal massagers are NOT on any kind of banned item list (which I don’t believe they are) and imagine the fun explaining that you’re NOT HIDING anything, you’re properly wearing a garment! plus, if they let you keep wearing them, the flight just got a LOT better!

  21. The last time I flew was to go to Florida headed to a cruise, four years ago. My aunt who had stage 4 brain cancer, was in a wheel chair, and was searched. I couldn’t have been more irritated.

  22. This makes me really sad. I flew from Laguardia to Denver and back last week, right at the peak of the TSA groping height, and didn’t even get a sideways look. I am officially too old to be groped anymore. They look at me like they look at Betty White. But with no admiration. I’m just an old, harmless blue hair. Thanks for making me feel like shit Aunt Becky.

    1. I do believe it changed about a week ago, since a herpes subject came up and a few Aunt Becky pranksters requested it be changed from something they had no control over. So it now gives you a curable disease 😀

  23. The only time I’m ever thankful to be so the oh-so utterly white girl that I am is when I fly. No one bothers me. Ever. Oh racial profiling…

  24. I’m thinking it’s cuz yer hot, most likely.

    I haven’t flown much in the last 10 years, and now I’m thinking that the train looks awful nice … even overnight …

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