In college, I had to take what I called, “Bible Class” and it was the first time I actually cracked open the Bible. Well, other than the times I read aloud random passages from the hotel rooms I was staying in (much, I should add, to the chagrin to whomever I happened to be staying with). Thank you I say now, o! wily Gideon’s, for supplying me with Bibles to read from to annoy my fellow travelers with.

I read the book cover to cover and learned a lot about what the rest of the religious world was talking about. Things that most of you probably just inherently knew, but for someone like me who grew up saying “Good food, good meat, good God, let’s eat” as a bastardized version of Grace, I simply was flabbergasted. There really is, I should add now, no fucking separation of church and state.

Anyway. I married someone who grew up in a family who is so religious that they’re probably still reeling from the PTSD from meeting me and finding out that yes, their son loves a heathen.

For Ash Wednesday one year, I was working on the floor and the pastor happened to be walking around giving out the cross on the forehead, and in the name of Trying Something New, I had decided to give up using “fuck” for Lent. It should go without saying that I am not Catholic, but I was reading the Bible and figured that it was a good idea to TRY it out.

Aunt Becky Gives Up The Eff Word:

The Daver: “What’s on your forehead?”

Aunt Becky: “Ashes.”

The Daver: “From?”

Aunt Becky: “I gave up using “fuck” for Lent.”

The Daver: “You know that means you can’t say it, right?”

Aunt Becky: “FUCK.”

Lent FAIL.

Aunt Becky Goes Crucifix Shopping:

The Daver: “Shit, I need to pick up something for the Christening on Sunday. Can you pick up something for my new Goddaughter?”

Aunt Becky: “Something…?”

The Daver: “Just go to the religious store in town and get her something.”

Aunt Becky: “Bwahahahahahahahahaha!”

The Daver: “You know, like a pearl something.”

Aunt Becky: “I’m going to go and get her a gigantic crucifix.”

The Daver: “No.”

Aunt Becky: “Like a gigantic BLEEDING crucifix for them to hang in her room.”

The Daver: “NO!”

Aunt Becky: “I want it to have like realistic blood and everything. I’m thinking something in the market of…8 feet tall and 6 feet wide. That should take up at least part of the wall of the nursery.”

The Daver: “Becky, that’s not funny.”

Aunt Becky: “Maybe they can hang it over her bassinet! To keep out The Devil. I think it would be lovely to watch over her.”

The Daver: “Becky, that’s really not funny at all.”

Aunt Becky: “Neither is sending me into a religious store. I don’t know FUCK about this shit, Dave. Besides, YOU are the Godfather, not me. Also, YOU are the heavenly one.”

The Daver: “Please?”

Aunt Becky: “Do you think this sort of crucifix is a custom job?”

Christening FAIL.

(ed note: Dave didn’t speak to me for an entire week. Also, I bought the kid a nice bracelet with a tasteful non-gory cross on it.)

What religion will Aunt Becky mess up next?

It’s like Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? except with RELIGION.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

26 Responses to The Power of Christ Compels You

  • Brandon says:

    I can see you going into a religious store and going “Excuse me, where do you keep the REALISTIC BLEEDING crucifixes? You know, like Betsy Wetsey, but with Jesus…”

    If you do it, bring a cameraman. This is GOLD.

  • Cindy
    Twitter: WalkerCynthia
    says:

    bwahahahaha #thisiswhyiloveyou

  • TheBeerLady
    Twitter: TheBeerLady
    says:

    I like Brandon’s idea – and I’ll volunteer to be the cameraman. It would also be fun to see you go into one of the uber-evangelical-Protestant stores around here and ask for a rosary to go along with the Betsy Wetsey bleeding Jesus. If you do, I promise I’ll let you take pictures when I ask if they have any books by Anton Lavey.

  • Cindy says:

    OMG! I’m a heathen too! Luckily, I married one as well- it’s easier that way. We didn’t get married in a church because my The Daver thought he would burst into flames. My children think God is a She, and we all say Fuck for Lent. My family is awesome. (And yours is too!)

  • Denise
    Twitter: acctodenise
    says:

    You are awesome. I am pretty much a heathen as well. I just can’t jump on the religion train.

  • Mommaexpat says:

    Can you be a heathen Catholic? That’s me, Catholic school and all. Except I accidentally have meat every.single.friday.

  • I cross the sidewalk when I get near religious stores. I have a fear of lightening.

  • dammit. *lightning

  • Mayor Gia says:

    Hahhhaah i HATE being asked what I’m giving up for Lent. I usually say meat. I’ve been a vegetarian since I was 8, so I’ve had a lot of practice.

  • Jenn says:

    So, hubby and I grew up in the South. We both grew up in non-Baptist churches with active youth groups, which we both loved. Our children all have biblical names. But, we’re heathens. When I was pregnant with the first, I was trying to figure out the whole church thing, since I love the sense of community and ritual, even if I don’t believe in religion. My husband’s brilliant solution: “well, we can go to church if you want, and some day we’ll just have to explain to the kids: there is no Easter Bunny, there is no Santa, there is no tooth fairy, and we aren’t so sure about that Jesus guy, either.”

  • Sandy says:

    As a recovering Catholic, I banned from going anywhere near a religious store, or crucifixes, or Easter Bunnies.

  • Grace says:

    I love this!! You are more than welcome to go after my religion next! I can think of some uptight women I know who need to be scandalized! Muahahahaha!

    The only good thing about Lent is fish sandwiches at Wendy’s! Mmmmmm… fish sandwiches…

  • I gave up talking to assholes for Lent.

    It’s been quiet around the house.

  • elizabth says:

    this is hilarious! Serves him right for sending you to do his special job! Too funny! Great post!

  • Crystal says:

    Bwahahaha!! I’m gonna steal that for the next christening I go to!! I was asked by a friend to be godmother to her son – me being between agnostic and atheist as one can be – and I still haven’t figured out the appropriate gift and his christening was last year!!

  • Melissa says:

    My parents are the epitome of Cathpic. Both are eucharistic ministers, they teachn adults the “rules” about Being a Catholic.; My mother is involved with all sorts of the amity affairs even though she is STILL working full time and all of the rest of the women are retired.

    They have a problem with me being involved with the Franciscan sect. They are WAY cooler than the Roman Catholic church.; I belive in SOME things that the Catholic church teaches, ,but am offended by MANY of their “rules”. Morally offended.

  • I gave up Catholicism for Lent. I’m Jewish.

  • LadyBrettAshley says:

    This is hilarious. I would love going to church with you, AB!

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    If I didn’t already love you, this would do it. Too fucking hilarious.

  • Amelia says:

    *LOVE*

  • hthrm says:

    You know Aunt Becky, another priceless way to annoy the overly zealous fucknuts…. Casually mention that Dan Brown was onto something in his books….. They (my family) never quite know what to do about their recovering catholic daughter

  • C.B. says:

    I come from Quebec (French Canadian Province) where pretty much everybody under the age of 45 in either agnostic or atheist (I’m the later where my parents are agnostics). Never in my life was I introduced to religion in my home growing up. We do have christening because……that’s pretty much the best way to gather your family to introduce your child into the family. So when my second niece was born I was summoned to the small city where my brother lives for the christening. As I said, it’s very rare to find a religious French Canadian under the age of 45 let alone a French Canadian priest. So churches have to find them elsewhere. Our priest that day was from Argentina and he barely spoke French which made for some pretty hilarious moments. First of all he pronounced “Jesus” the Spanish way “heyzus” which sounds a lot like “je suce” which is French for “I suck”. Also instead of saying “le male” (evil) he would say “le mâle” (with an emphasis on the a which means “the male”). Ever since that day whenever my brother and I are in the same room we always say “Hey, Heyzus le mâle” (I suck evil or I suck the devil…..with a Spanish accent).

  • red says:

    I am a Christian with a sense of humor, and this is funny stuff. if you want to branch out into other religions, Thursday is Purim, a Jewish holiday. I have no idea what Purim is, but I bet wikipedia knows!

  • Red Mann says:

    Jes, Aunt Becky,

    i think i love you, you little heathen!
    Loved your piece!

    here’s a little something for you from Red Mann.
    THE HERETIC!

    Teach the children this.

    DESTROY THE THREE MONOLITHIC RELIGIONS!

    (TRANSLATION)
    “Those that believe that “god” has a penis!
    All three “terrorists religions” chris-SCUM-DUMB-
    jew-muslim
    all believe in their “holy books of designed babble”
    called the Old Testament
    – first chapter – first verse
    that “god made “man” in his own image”

    THEREFORE, THESE LUNATICS BELIEVE THAT god HAS A DICK!!!!!!

    LEAVE NO TRACE OF THEIR KILLER ETHIC!

  • Mrs. One Day says:

    You are awesome. That is all.

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