People would all cluck sympathetically when I told them that I had a two-year old and I was always kinda stuck scratching my head. Now, I’m always kind of scratching my head because I’m stupid and things like “In” and “Out” doors leave me stuck outside for hours, but this was especially bad. Because my TWO year old was awesome.

My THREE year old is Of The Devil.

I know, I know, I’m not supposed liken my child to a mythical creature that lives in a fake underworld because that’s NOT NICE AUNT BECKY, but it’s true. The THREE year old is a beast and the TWO year old was a living, breathing angel sent from heaven.

I think the Terrible Two’s are full of bullshit, Pranksters because with both of the boys, I never saw it. Maybe my daughter, who already throws tantrums when she doesn’t get what she wants, will prove otherwise, but I remain unconvinced.

This is pretty typical in my house now:

Aunt Becky: “I have to go to the bathroom now.”

Alex: “NO!” (stamps foot)

Aunt Becky: (laughs) “Well, actually, Alex, I do. I don’t have the luxury of a diaper, baby.”

Alex: “NO!” (stamps feet)

Aunt Becky: (goes to the bathroom, is followed by Alex and Amelia)

Alex: “You don’t have a diaper, Mommy.”

Aunt Becky: “No baby, I don’t.”

Alex: “Can we buy a kitty?”

Aunt Becky: “Ask your daddy.”

Alex: “NO!” (stamps foot)

Amelia: (begins shrieking because she believes that we should now pack up and leave the house on an adventure. She lays down on the floor and begins to kick and scream until the hallway is wet with tears and boogers) (also, you’re welcome for the free birth control)

Alex: “Mimi STOP YELLING.” (STAMPS FEET LOUDLY)

Aunt Becky: (buries her head in her hands)

Alex: “Mommy, you sad?”

Aunt Becky: “Yes, my head hurts now.”

Alex: “NO!”

I know from years of dealing with a know-it-all ex-boyfriend that arguing with him is pointless so I just ignore him when he acts like that. Plus, he’s not sleeping, which isn’t making the situation any easier on any of us. It’s sort of making me want to send The Daver to get a SECOND vasectomy just in case this one didn’t take.

It’s a good damn thing that he’ll then counter all of his annoying three-ness with doing something full of the awesome like yelling, “LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL GERBER DAISY, MOMMY.”

Then I take a deep breath and remember that this too, shall pass. And I stop and smell the Gerber Daisies.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

73 Responses to The Usage of the Word No

  • Wendy says:

    Man, 3 must have a great PR agent because EVERYONE I know thought 3 was way worse than 2, but 3 doesn’t get the apparantly well deserved “terrible” label.

  • Libby says:

    I witnessed a child throwing a full on, melt down, on the floor fit yesterday in the middle of a bookstore. His mother just shrugged and said “well, he’s three.”

  • Alexandra says:

    And that’s why they’re made so adorably..with the little round cheeks, and the clear bright eyes….to tide us over these moments.

    Happy Mother’s Day!

  • TeacherMommy says:

    THE CHUBS!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh LOOK at those chubby wubby THIGHS on that girl!!!

    I miss the chubs. I really do. Neither of my kidlets has them any more, and when I realized that The Widget had truly lost his chubbers and was looking alarmingly Boylike, I nearly wept.

    Not that it’ll make me have another baby, though. It is done.

    Yep.

    For sure.

    CHUBBERS!!!!!!!!!

  • Chelle says:

    With all of my kids it was the threes that were terrible, not the twos, so you aren’t alone in seeing this.

  • F. Haataja says:

    Someone else already touched on this but yeah, my only memories as a four-year-old were writing FUCK YOU on the chalkboard at latch-key and shooting my toy bow-and-arrow at car passing by my front yard. And I was known as a GOOD kid.

    Have fun.

    • Melissa says:

      LOL, that reminds me of something I did as a 5 year old. Writing “Melissa is shit” on the chalkboard to get my older brother in trouble.

  • Nic says:

    I’m sorry no one told you they come of the womb in “THE CLUB”. You know, I have a penis so I am always right and know everything club. They should give you a disclaimer before you take them home from the hospital. :)

  • Tanya says:

    I can so relate!! Thanks for your post Aunt Becky! I whole-heartedly agree they should change the “terrible 2′s” immediately, it’s long overdue to the “TERRIBLE 3′S”….

  • Wicked Shawn says:

    Look on the bright side. Eventually they will be teenagers. Bwahahahahahaha!!!!! Yeah, I know, that was just wrong of me. Sorry, but hey, what are internet pals for, anyway?

  • Just you wait Aunt Becky – hee hee hee – just you wait . . .

  • Tanya says:

    I can so relate!! Thanks for your post Aunt Becky! I whole-heartedly agree they should change the “terrible 2′s” immediately, it’s long overdue to the “TERRIBLE 3′S”….
    Your publish button says my comment is too short to publish so I will add “crotch parasites” and see if it then works!!!

  • Andrea says:

    CUTE! See? Didn’t work. I still want babies. You’ll need to do more horror than that for affective birth control. At least for this girl who has the terminal Baby Fever.

  • Inna says:

    Despite all that, they are soooo adorable! I want one. :)

  • Keri says:

    Completely agree with the Terrible 2′s being BS. Damien at 2 was fine he hardly ever spoke back he whined a bit but other then that was fine. It was like he was possessed as soon as he turned 3. Talking back, saying NO, smearing poop, temper tantrums in general are a nightmare. And the best part he refuses to nap…at all. sometimes he’ll fall asleep during the weekend in the car but mostly he is up from 7am to 8pm and around 4pm he gets really really tired so everything becomes a fight. I wouldn’t trade it for the world to tell the truth. The hugs and Kisses and “I wuvf you mommy” makes up for all the tears and boogers. I swear there have been a couple of times that I have wondered if I should shave his head and make sure I didn’t miss the 666 on the back of it when he was born.

  • Jennifer B says:

    Ha! I feel your pain somethin fierce. My son was an angel and made my dreams of motherhood all come true when he was two. Then came three and he definitely got a little, well let’s say cranky. But then he turned FOUR. I was under the impression that the terrible 3s would be over, but no……. they got WORSE!!!!! He is now the grumpiest, most disagreeable 4-yr-old and I am terrified to see what he will be like when he hits 10… IF he makes it to 10. Now my baby girl, on the other hand, I think she’s currently in the terrible 2s (she’s just 13 months), but she is progressing through the cranky and tantrumy phase so fast I’m scared to see what she’ll be like when she hits the dreaded 3s. I am barely keeping ahead of my two… I don’t know how you do it with 3 of them. My hat’s off to you girl, if I were wearing one, that is… which I don’t, like hardly ever. But anyway…. Happy Mother’s Day Aunt Becky, enjoy the, uh, insanity? Much love.

  • carissa says:

    Oye.. when I read stuff like this I just want to give you and every other mother out there a ginormous lick on the face, because I simply don’t know how you do it. My dog gets on my nerves most days. Anyway… Happy Mother’s day Aunt Becky!! I heart you!!

  • Kelly says:

    When they are two, they are wee angels. Three, is devil in training mode. And four, is officially of the devil. I think that if they live to see five, it is simply practice for when they are evil teenagers.

  • Amanda says:

    I can vouch for Kelly’s comment above. Ages 3-5 are just getting you ready for 13-15. Or in my case 10 till whenever.

    Seriously though – you got a load of cute going on in the picture.

    Especially Amelia – but I don’t have any sausages at my house so I’m always partial to those without.

    Happy Mother’s Day Becky!

  • Ed says:

    Me (about my sons): Yeah, they’re a little challenging sometimes.
    My brother: Well, you’re just lucky they’re boys. Boys are tough when they’re younger, but get much easier to handle later on. Girls, on the other hand, are exactly the opposite. Count your blessings you won’t have to raise teenage girls.
    Me: Really? Wow, that’s a relief.
    Brother: Yep. (pause) Of course, if one of them happens to be gay you’re totally fucked.

  • Alice Brody says:

    OhhhhhhmyGAWD, do I know that scene well! All 3 of the older boys were from hell from 3-5 years of age. My 4 year old is slooooooooowly coming out of it but my almost 2 year old (ever the over achiever) has decided to begin the terrible 3′s at 2. SUCKS….TOBE…..MEEEEE! My beautiful, loving, kissykissy face baby is now the ruler of “NO”LAND now:(. Maybe this means he’ll potty train earlier than the others and we’ll be out of diapers this summer….HA! So not gonna happen. *kicks the fridge and screams “NONONONO”*

  • Ashley K. says:

    Hang in there mommy! I know the Terrible Two’s are a true story from experience with my little brothers but my two yr. old is close to the angelic side as well. I’m sure the year of three might offer a different story.

  • Chris in PHX says:

    awww! Look at Mimi’s chubby little knees, so cute! I think childrens liquid tylenol is the answer for all child related problems. Im gonna be such a good dad

  • Melissa says:

    Yes, my angelic 8 year old twins (niece and nephew) were once 3 like yesterday. And I agree. I think Terrible Twos just SOUNDS better than..Abhorrent, Appalling, Atrocious, Awful, Beastly, Dangerous, Desperate, Dire, Disastrous, Disturbing, Dreadful, Frightful, Ghastly, Gruesome, Harrowing, Hideous, Horrendous, Horrid, Horrifying, Loathsome, Monstrous, Obnoxious, Odious, Offensive, Petrifying, Repulsive, Revolting, Rotten, Unfortunate, Unnerving, Unpleasant, Vile Threes.

    There are more synonyms, but I didn’t want to sound, you know. redundant or anything.

  • a says:

    3 is quite evil. I hear 4 is worse. Judging by 3.5, I’m guessing that’s true. “No” would be a bit of relief in my house – what we usually get are unintelligible grunts that are both whiny and annoying. I am surprised that I have hair left…

  • leanne says:

    My son was fine at 2 and even 3. When he turned 4, things went to HELL. It was the worst year ever. The backtalk and the attitude… holy crap.

    The month after he turned 4, his sister was born. So I was managing a devil and a newborn. Good times. After two weeks at home to “enjoy” his new baby sister, my son went back to preschool. It was a good thing.

    My daughter will turn 2 in July and so far (*knock on wood*) not bad. Though I’ve heard that 3 is the devil year for girls. All I know is I’m ready to be done with diapers, but potty training (not that she’s ready yet) scares me. I barely survived the first time.

  • mumma boo says:

    Move closer. We will put Alex and Cenzo in the same room and let them “NO!” each other until they get so exhausted they fall asleep. Plus, I’ll get to nom on Mimi’s cheeks, you can take a nap, and Ben & Cheeks can talk planets. Sounds like a win-win to me. The house down the street is for sale – no bushes. What’s your offer?

  • katrina says:

    Your little munchkins are so adorable, aunt becky!! yeah, it’s all bullshit about the ‘terrible two’s”……besides, who needs to label their kids, so negatively?? (pretty much, if you expect it, that’s what you’ll get)….I was always surprised, each year with my kids…..and i always thought “this is the best age”…..even when my son dyed his hair blue in fourth grade…..(guess he went thru the ‘teenage’ years early). All you have to do is love ‘em and support ‘em…..and they will amaze you….(especially yours, because , obviously, they are so full of awesomeness).

  • Anne says:

    Well, I can tell you that my 2 year old is a HUGE pain in the ass. But maybe he will be an even bigger shit when he is three. If that is true I will have to book my stint in rehab right now because there will be a whole lotta drinkin’ going on if he gets worse!!!

  • Sam says:

    OHMYGODIKNOWWHATYOUMEAN!!!! Okay sorry for the random act of caps violence, but seriously! My son at 2? Amazing! My son (the same one allegedly) at 3? Nightmare child! Yelling, swearing, throwing, hitting….what the…????! I kept thinking he’d been possessed but I totally threw out my Ouija board in college! Doppelganger of doom? Maybe! According to my pediatrician, and I quote, three is TERRIBLE. And she’s a professional (who wants to give her 3 year old away.) So there you go.

  • Cindy says:

    Right now, we are in the terrible SIXes!! We breezed through the toddler years- it’s when the girls turned 6 that we had problems. I swear I’m raising the little girl from the Exorcist! Cute in pigtails but the filth from her mouth! I swear her head starts to spin right before she yells “you’re a bitch-head” and slams her bedroom door! (She’ll mellow out in a year or so. . .) Teenage years- bring it on! If I can survive 6, I can survive 16!

  • gwendomama says:

    would now be a good time to inform you of the fucking fours?

  • Mrs Soup says:

    I agree with someone up there, Three has a kick-ass PR agent. I’m dreading it. Especially since my daughter is already practicing her teenage angst.

  • katrina says:

    oh yeah, i forgot to say….it really helps cut down on the “NO’s”…if the parents don’t use it often. Save the “no’s” for the big shit….like he’s gonna dive out of a 20 story window, or take a machete to his sibling….

    • Melissa says:

      What word do you replace it with? There are a hell of a lot of no things besides life threatening sitch’s for 3 year olds.

      • katrina says:

        Aunt Becky~~~ you are so right!…i think kids are psychic, and they just know that “no” is a ‘power’ word. (whoever says it, is in control of the universe…) So, in the beginning, i made a loud sound llke a buzzer—”ECH!!!”—but that was pretty stupid because they immediately started mimicking, ( tho it still works for the dog and cat)…. for the toddlers i replaced it with “WAIT!”….. sometimes “STOP!”…..(for some reason, those words aren’t as much fun to say, i guess…). When they did something incorrectly, like with a toy, or puzzle or something, i usually said, “try again” or “try it this way” (instead of “no, that’s wrong”). Not that my kids are perfect, ha ha! ..far from it, but at least i didn’t have to listen to them scream “no” at me or each other. (I did use “NO” when they were hitting each other….or going to run in the street…things like that–since it was used sparingly, it seemed to have more of an impact.

  • Anjali says:

    I adore Mimi’s thighs.

    Yes, two is quite wonderful. Three is quite tragic.

  • CC says:

    My four year old has been nicknamed Psycho since she was 1. Enough said.

  • lis says:

    twos are angels and threes are very good at sucking on a fairly regular basis.

    i taught three year olds for 5 years. the first month i though i was going to kill myself. but the moments in between the crazy really do make it all worthwhile. now i will tell you i love three year olds, most of the time.

    alanis wasn’t kidding when she said they wear shit out

    good luck with the sleeping!

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  • Rebecca says:

    I so totally didn’t realize that The Benner was so completely big? Sure you’ve mentioned that he’s in school and all, but still, I was picturing this miniature little guy that is no bigger than Alex…………..Wow…..what an adorable set of boys you have!

    And Amelia…….would ya just look at those sweet and precious legs! Oh My Word…….When Isabella’s legs were chubby I would tell her “Hey Isabella pat your fat” and she would slap her chunky little thigh. Oh So Cute!

  • JulieHG says:

    Uh Ya! My first was PERFECT at 2. Which is why we had a 2nd child. But the day she turned 3, all bets were off, and I wondered what the hell I had gotten into. My 2nd however, is definitely all about the terrible 2′s, and I actively wonder if I’ll be able to beat that out of here before she turns 3.

    They’re both lucky that they can be sssoooooooo bloody cute and lovable when they want to be. Because, you know, that’s a built in survival mechanism that keeps us from punting them across the room.

    “The most wonderful, yet frustrating experience of your life”. I never understood what people were talking about until my girls came along.

  • Virginia says:

    With my daughter we had the terrible 2′s, we have now passed into the whine-all-the-damn-time 3′s. Ugh.

  • Amelia and I have the same thighs.

  • karen says:

    Hey! I have been saying this since my first hit 2 — I swear the whole terrible twos thing is more about the alliteration than it is about the kids — it sounds cool. But three!!!!! Oh. My. Fucking. God.

    My third is three, the girls were just as great and then as bad as this boy. I swear three is the point where they just have to find out how to do EVERYTHING, even the impossible and the time-constrained, all by themselves. And it KILLS me.

    Then again, three is also this:

    “Mom, remember when I was little, fell off the table, hit my head on the floor, but didn’t crack my head open? That was AMAZING.”

  • 3 is evil. 4 has it’s issues. So does 5. Somethings were easier when they couldn’t read or tell time & catch you lying.

    My boys are demons and I freely refer to them as such.

    When I am not calling them heathens, or occasionally, “Gentlemen!”

  • Dora says:

    Aunt Becky, you’re freaking me out! Not my little angel. Right??? Right???????? And Happy Mothers Day to you, to! :-P

  • Dora says:

    That should be “too.”

  • pattypunker says:

    and because you know how to keep it all in perspective: you get a great big: YESSSSSSSS!

  • Manda says:

    My daughter is a smiling, cooing, giggling cherub of delicious chubbiness.

    Most of the time she’ll yell, pause, yell, pause…as if to say “Mom?….Hey Mom!!!……I’m awake!….Wanna play?….Is anybody listening?….Hey Mom!”

    At her worst, her cry sounds charmingly like an engine trying to turn over. She stops as soon as my face appears.

    All of this, I’m sure, will leave me completely unprepared for her first real temper tantrum.

    Oh man.

  • Joanne Schiffbauer says:

    Ah!… You gotta love a “Happy Ending!”

  • Kate says:

    Your comment about free birth control made me think of this :)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nojWJ6-XmeQ&feature=related

  • statia says:

    Oh god. Seriously. Three year olds are DICKS. I wouldn’t hold out hope for Mimi getting it over with early. It seems that girls go through it longer. Mine has already started and she’ll be a year in a week and a half. Such a demanding little fucker, that one.

    But my three year old, who’s only a couple of weeks older than yours is like, oh god. Seriously, it makes me weep, just thinking about it. We have the defiant NO! And the I DON’T WANT TO. And the hitting and the kicking, and the not really giving a shit if he’s punished or not.

    Fuck three, dude. Right in the ass.

  • cathyjoy says:

    so when the boy was two, close to three (15 now – whole ‘nother story and i won’t freak you out with the ugly!!!) we were in the grocery store and he was havin’ a little tantrum in the cart. the “sweetest” little old lady stops next to the cart and asks me, “oh, is he two?” “yes, can you tell?!” granny-from-hell then proceeds to pat my shoulder and say “this is nothing dearie – wait til he’s three.” WTF? thanks so much for givin’ me somethin’ to look forward to. bitch.

  • ABDPBT says:

    yes, two days after he turned three, my son has turned from angel to devil. My husband says they say terrible twos because they can’t say “Fuck Me Threes.”

  • Becca says:

    I have the 11 year old hormonal wreck living in my house, wanna trade???

  • Becca says:

    I have the 11 year old hormonal wreck living in my house, wanna trade???

  • Had quite a few moments like that this week. My almost 4 year old could win an Academy Award for Lead Actress in a Drama when I tell her to get ready in the morning. And my 1 year old wants to be entertained all.the.time. And let’s me know what I am failing him in that department or any others department of mothering. But you are right, this, too, shall pass. Here’s to a good weekend. Happy Mother’s Day!

  • Evil Sheep says:

    Girls aren’t any easier at 3 than boys are. I have a 10 year old son, a 5 year old daughter and a 3 year old daughter. The boy was rough at 3, the 5 year old was even rougher at 3, and the current 3 year old probably wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of reaching 4 if she wasn’t so damn cute. I actually looked at her about 2 weeks after her third birthday and asked “who are you and what did you do with my daughter, you demon-spawn?”

    Not kidding, she was the sweetest 2 year old that ever walked, but when she turned 3 she turned into a walking, talking, female Chucky. Don’t get me wrong, she has good days, but on the days when she’s bad, she’s reeaally bad.

    Here’s a pic to show why she’s so damn hard to stay mad at: http://picasaweb.google.com/jkibbles/Desktop#5468721240943385634

    • Evil Sheep says:

      Oh, almost forgot, I did break all three of my kids (plus a niece) of throwing tantrums. I got down on the floor and did exactly what they were doing until they looked at me like I was a drooling idiot, then said “That’s exactly what you look like when you act like that.” Not sure why, but it stopped the fit-throwing, except for truly special occasions. On the other hand, my wife pretty much always looks at me like I’m a drooling idiot now…

  • Are you still in the bathroom trying to take a personal moment (piss)? Might suggest a flask of your favorite libation hidden under the sink, behind the Tidy Bowl Cleaner?

    I prefer tequila when I am peeing.

  • Badass Geek says:

    I always thought that the word “no” was one of the female gender’s favorite words.

  • mrsblogalot says:

    LOL! I will always try to remember to stop and smell the Gerber Daisies!! (-:

  • I love 4 year olds. 2 & 3 year olds can pretty much suck.

  • linlah says:

    I suffered through my boys theatrical threes’, breezed through his teens and asked what the hell in his early twenties. Maybe that’s how it will work for you?

  • Krissa says:

    Aw, honey. I really wish I could do something to make it all better. Short of babysitting, I don’t know what that would be, though.
    Does it make you feel any better to know that I too love Gerber daisies? I’ve got hot pink and bright orange.
    Now… you feel better, right? ;-)

  • GingerB says:

    I am hoping four will be better and that little redhead won’t boss me around so damn much. I loved two. I long for two.

  • Natalie says:

    Well this is horrible news! I have a 2 year old right now that I think is “of the Devil”…what’s gonna happen when he turns 3??!!! And I have 8 month old twins – I just realized I’m gonna have to do 2 and 3 again! AHHHH!!

    New reader – found you on Twitter. Glad I did!

  • Sharon says:

    I must agree. The Terrible Twos are nothing compared to the Fucking Fours.

  • subWOW says:

    I have one of those “Free Birth Control and you are welcome” kids too. Last weekend our friends told us that they are now pregnant with No. 2. Since No. 1 never likes to sleep, the expecting mother understandably was seeking reassurance. It’s going to be easier the second time around, right? Sure of course. Then I said, “Well, unless you have a baby like No. 2 son.” My husb glared at me. What? What did I say? Didn’t we have that discussion of having another child and then quickly stopped ourselves because we cannot imagine having to go thru hell? I will gladly report that No. 2 son does sleep now. Well, he’s 7.

  • baseballmom says:

    omg you are so right…three SUCKED ASS!!! my 14 year old was the sweetest boy until he turned 3, then it all went out the window. he is back to sweet (except for the occasional bout of teenage attitude or stupidity) now, so they do return, but man…3…fucking a.

  • Kate says:

    I agree that 3 year olds are WAY nastier than 2 year olds (who I happen to adore). After 7 kids, many with various “issues,” I can honestly say the one thing that has remained constant is that age 3 to 4 has been difficult with each of them.

    And don’t you worry about when they’re teenagers, Aunt Becky. I’m here to tell you that not all teenagers are mouthy, selfish, bratty jerks. Mine aren’t. They are amazing, wonderful people who I can say I genuinely LIKE 98% of the time. You don’t have to expect your teens to be horrible. A lot of them aren’t. :)

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