Aunt Becky: “So I was reading in Time Magazine about our oldest living relative, Ardi…”

The Daver: “Oh yeah?”

Aunt Becky: “It’s pretty interesting, actually. She’s kind of like the Missing Link between humans and chimps.”

The Daver: “That’s pretty wicked. But don’t tell the Christians about it.”

Aunt Becky: “I wasn’t going to.”

The Daver: “Good, because they’ll torch you.”

Aunt Becky: “Actually, I was planning to call Time Magazine myself. What are you doing Thursday night?”

The Daver: “Why?”

Aunt Becky: “Well, I think they’re going to want to interview you.”

The Daver: “Huh?”

Aunt Becky: “Well, I’m going to explain to them that YOU are the Missing Link.”

The Daver: “…”

Aunt Becky: “You and your Carnie Feet.”

The Daver: “…”

Aunt Becky: “They’re practically flippers, Daver. I mean, do you actually need to use those feet-thingies when we go scuba diving?”

The Daver: “…”

Aunt Becky: “Remember that time we were at Wal-Mart and I screamed at you to cover your feet because I was afraid the Carnies would take you away if they saw your feet because they’d see you were one of them and then you’d have to live out your life manning the Ring Toss Booth?”

The Daver: “Yes. I tried to leave you at Wal-Mart, if you remember correctly.”

Aunt Becky: “I’ve done some thinking and I’m pretty sure it’s because you’re actually The Missing Link between Man and Ape.”

The Daver: “Gee, thanks.”

Aunt Becky: “Or part duck.”

The Daver: “This conversation keeps getting better.”

Aunt Becky: “Do you have any relatives that are ducks?”

The Daver: “I’m not going to dignify that with a response.”

Aunt Becky: “Either way, I’m calling Time Magazine to tell them that I have the Missing Link in my house so please be home on Thursday so the film crew can see your Carnie Feet in person.”

The Daver: “You’re fired.”


If’n you want to vote for me in the BlogLuxe awards for funniest blog (which I am, of course, not), you may vote once per day here.

53 thoughts on “The Missing Link

  1. Odd.. I think it’s possible Aunt Becky could be related to my husband.. same conversation except it was some science magazine to study the butane farted during my sleep.. creepy..

  2. I heard an interview with a journalist who had embedded himself with carnies to do a story debunking the myths of their depravity and genetic mutations. He thought he would end up writing about how they were just regular folks with an undeserved reputation for freakishness.

    After a couple weeks living among them, he was like, “OMG, it’s even WORSE than all the stereotypes suggest!”

    Can’t the Daver get that shit fixed or something? Cosmetic surgeons did a pretty good job with my nephew’s vestigial tail.

    1. A friend worked in a grocery store near where the traveling carnival set up every year (this sounds like a bad joke) and he said they’d frequently come in to use the bathroom…

      …and shit all over the place. I don’t doubt it’s actually worse than people think. I TOTALLY need to find this interview.

  3. oh man, i have the carnie pinky toes. i hope i’m not abducted. that’s the reason i avoid wal-marts. i’ve seen the people of website and i’m sure they’d snatch me with these toes.

    1. They’d absolutely see you as one of Their Own and take you home with them. You should avoid it at all costs, or at the very least, cover your feet with steel toed boots.

  4. My husband has extremely wide feet, I call them Flinstone feet.

    I vote that Dave leave you at Wal-Mart just once. I want to see what would happen. I’m sure it wouldn’t be that bad. 🙂

  5. You know what they say about guys with big feet, right???? Big……shoes.
    Lucky you Aunt Becky!

    P.S. if I vote enough for you, will be Gov of CA????

  6. I think it’s time the Pranksters rise up and demand photos of the Daver’s carnie feet, preferably photos of them next to a recognizable object so we know how big they really are (maybe a kayak?)

  7. My husband has tingers (toes +fingers). He can write, pick up random objects without leans over and win a thumb war WITH HIS FEET.
    Perhaps Scott and the Daver could have an entire carnie sideshow.

    1. Omigosh, so can my husband! I tell him all the time he’s a freaking chimpanzee! Can he join the sideshow? Maybe they can all be an act!

  8. He has a lot of nerve walking around with feet like that and not sharing them with the world. As Indiana Jones would say, they belong in a museum.

  9. So my husband has crazy feet too.
    His second toe is longer than his big toe. Not just that- it is webbed to his middle toe. And the longer toe has a little callous on it because it is so long it rubs on stuff. Dude I hope our baby (that I am growing as we speak) does not have this. It’s pretty much gross. And ugly. And my baby is a girl. I want her to feel pretty (and comfortable) in cute shoes.
    I hope none of your children inherited scary carnie feet!!

  10. I would like to see pictures. I have a mutant pinky toe, it is half the size if the others. It looks like it was cut off, the the nail is all crunkled up. My brother once spent 30 minutes laughing at it.

  11. Well, I don’t know if any carnival would make money off my feet, but they sure aren’t winning any prizes for cute. That’s for damn sure! I have that longer 2nd toe thing, and my right big to is aiming almost 45 degrees to the right. It’s bad. They call it a bunion, but I have no frickin clue why. There is nothing bun-like or onion-like about it. But it does kinda hurt. Oh, and that’s the big toe that I managed to smash into the front of my (walking) sneaker while playing tennis with a student, like the idiot that I am. So I also have tendonitis in it. For some reason, there’s also like ZERO fat or flesh in my feet, so you can see all the tendons and such. Like I said, NOT cute. I don’t bother with pedicures, I just try to wear closed-toe sneakers to save the rest of the world from having to look at them. Bah!

  12. Why are you cheating on Target with Wal-Mart? Why, Aunt Becky, why? Target called me all upset today. Yeesh! I’ve got enough to do without calming down an emo department store.

  13. OK, so when I read the words ‘carnie feet’ I interpreted it as ‘carnivorous feet’. Does that make me weird?

  14. Hysterical post, laughed my you-know-what off!

    A tailor at the clothing store I used to work at used to call me ‘the missing link” as I apparently have abnormally long arms and wide shoulders so every suit had to be pretty much rebuilt. And maybe because I eat bananas as I climb trees…

  15. Ah, freak feet. When I started dating my husband, a mutual friend asked me if I’d seen his extra toe. I was horrified and avoided looking at his feet for weeks. Then he asked me if I knew about his “missing” toe. Which really freaked me out, b/c WTF, the guy has an extra toe on one foot an a missing one on the other?! Circus freak!!! Turns out, the extra toe was a myth, and the “missing” toe is a kind of half-formed toe stub. And the toe stub still freaks me out.

  16. I love you guys, you’re hilarious.
    Kent’s brother has webbed toes.
    Kent has funky toes as well.
    Their whole family has odd feet, really.
    Luckily our kids got my toes.

  17. Stupid voting thing won’t send me my password!!!! all the other days it was easy…..i tried to start over, but it won’t let me do that either. I’d be mad, ‘cept i’m laughing so hard—you’re REALLY cheating on Target with Wal Mart…???? fuckin hilarious!!

  18. When I make fun of John’s size 12’s he immediately correlates them with… another part of his anatomy. 😉
    I can’t believe The Daver hasn’t gotten onto that.

  19. “You’re fired” is my favorite. My sister and I briefly worked together in a Jesuit kitchen in junior high (yes, there are many entertaining stories that go along with that sentence). And we regularly fired one another. It got to the point where, for years and years, we fired one another from the family whenever we didn’t like what the other person was doing. Not enough people see the joy in firing your loved ones on a regular basis.

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