Pashmina: “How was your birthday?”

Aunt Becky: “Eh.”

Pashmina: “We’re thirty now.”

Aunt Becky: “I’m changing my birthday.”

Pashmina: “Are you one of those freaks that doesn’t like getting older?”

Aunt Becky: “No, I mean I’m changing the DAY.”

Pashmina: “…”

Aunt Becky: “See, 3 ER visits in 5 years means that the day is cursed. I wasn’t supposed to be born July 15 anyway but I was in distress or some shit.”

Pashmina: “Maybe you’re just unlucky.”

Aunt Becky: “The first person to wish me a happy birthday is always either an ER doc or a pharmacist. So no more. July 15, you are dead to me. July 28, you are my new birthday.”

Pashmina: “Can you do that? Like, just change the day?”

Aunt Becky: “Why not? It’s like Your Number of People You Bone. As you get farther past it, you know, some just DROP off the list for whatever reason.”

Pashmina: “…”

Aunt Becky: “You know, Bob had a micropenis so he didn’t count, and Jim humped your leg instead of your naughty bits and what’s-his-face had a bit of a premature ejaculation problem?”

Pashmina: “…”

Aunt Becky: “So they drop of Your List!”

Pashmina: “…”

Aunt Becky: “What?!?”

Pashmina: “The way you do math is bizarre.”

Aunt Becky: “I can justify just about anything. Like why I need to buy a tapeworm. And move to LA to start a disco band!”

Pashmina: “Disco sucks.”

Aunt Becky: “You won’t be saying that when my band is on the cover of Rolling Stone. You’ll be begging for groupies.”

Pashmina: “I am pretending not to know you anymore.”

Aunt Becky: “You won’t be saying that when my tapeworm farm is famous, either.”

Pashmina: “…”

Aunt Becky: “You’re still mad at me about the butt sex check (Pranksters, go read those links in that order) aren’t you?”

Pashmina: “No. Well, maybe.”

Aunt Becky: “How about I let you into my disco band as an apology?”

Pashmina: “You shine on you crazy diamond, you.”

Aunt Becky: “That’s the spirit! Let’s get some go-go boots and blue eye shadow!”

Now, Pranksters, aren’t you glad I don’t IM you?


Mushroom Printing. It’s up. It’s awesomer than ever. You can play, too.

81 thoughts on “The Lunatic Is On The…Computer.

  1. I like the way you do math – makes me feel almost like I was a virgin on my wedding night. almost. *cough*

    Oh, and Happy New Birthday a day early. July 28th is much better than July 15th.

  2. Hell, you can buy tapeworms? I just found a new weight loss mechanism. Woop woop!

    And the check memo thing? I’m stealing that.

  3. So…it’s now in my email calendar to wish you a happy birthday on the 28th instead of the 15th.

    And I’ll so be a disco groupie.
    Because you fuckin’ rock.

  4. I’m in if the disco band does ABBA covers. And some Beegees. Then I’m IN. Also? The Blogess can help with the tapeworm thing. She’s in the market.

  5. July 28th IS better. Its my birthday, I’m telling you, its a good one. I always have ridiculous and awesome shit happen and have super fun birthdays. Ok, but maybe not this year. I’m 8 months pregnant this year. I’m getting a pedicure and taking a nap. Which sounds super fun to me right now. So sad.

  6. I still don’t know why you like the end of July rather than the middle. All the Leos I know can be giant Assholes a lot of the time.

    Nice eyeshadow.

      1. See, I’d go with the 14th – it’s also Bastille Day, so you can run around singing La Marseillaise or yelling “Let them eat cake!” Or “off with their heads!” Whatever works.

  7. I have a vintage gold lame quilted jacket that is knee length that my mother MADE!

    I know you need me in your band.

    Also? I am convinced I used to have a tape worm so there’s that too.

    Toddling off to click through those links now.

  8. The tapeworm is a great idea, but I use coffee to get the same effect. Seriously, who needs to use a fuckin’ cleansing system?
    Aunt Becky, you make me feeeeel like dancin’, gonna dance the night away.

  9. It is so awesome that you mentioned the Butt Sex check today because I JUST did that to my BFF this weekend. Awesome. Happy Birthday. I’ve got another year til the Dirty Thirty.

  10. The best thing about the tapeworm factory is that it’s totally portable. AND you reap the benefits while GROWING your business! You could wear buttons like “Ask me about my tapeworms” while going to Target. Lower your BMI the natural way — tapeworms! The only downside is collecting the eggs/segments to ship to customers. Boo. But you could probably pay someone to do that for you. (Not me, BTW).

  11. You can IM me anytime, Aunt Becky. No, fo realz! BNLeuck on yahoo. I am eternally bored, dude. Entertain me, annoy me, send me random links of funny shit. You know, like my other friends do. xD

  12. As long as Vegas is still on, I don’t gives a fuck when your ass celebrates your birthday. Although the Aries in me is thrilled that you’re a Leo, cuz we’re like compatible or some shit. 😛

  13. I love the butt sex post!

    Are you in need a a recorded player? I learned in the 3rd grade. I haven’t touched one since, but it’s like riding a bike, right?

  14. I will trade you. My birthday sucks. It’s November 29th. That means everyone is away having Thanksgiving and no one REMEMBERS. Very 16 candles. Oh, if we trade you’ll also be turning 39.

    1. Mine is the 27rh, I feel you’re pain. PLUS, the family thinks that its ok to celebrate mine on Thanksgiving instead of taking me OUT like everyone ELSE gets that its fine to celebrate on Thanksgiving. Which is fine when it IS on Thanksgiving, but that is like every 7 years or some shit.

  15. The good news is that once you turn 30 it all goes to hell. Believe me, for the past 11 years I have looked fondly upon the days before I became an old man.

    Anyhoo, got to a love a post that talks about tapeworms and groupies- good for SEO.

      1. Don’t sell yourself short. Anytime now people will come knocking offering huge sums of money for your blog. Really, it could happen. Seriously- the Jersey shore kids are making money so I know that all things are possible.

  16. Umm, Beckster, have you noticed that nobody noticed that you are wearing a supposed COSTUME? And that means your costume sucked. Your sparkly ass looked GOOD!

  17. You celebrate a day? Not a birth month? You’re missing out. I just call October as all mine.

    and anything with the words butt sex is funny.

  18. Happy Birthday for tomorrow!

    I think it’s brilliant. I changed the date of my birthday a couple of years ago, and it’s the best thing ever. So much less stressful!

  19. You are rocking the blue eye shadow, but guess what? I do too! Seriously, I was wearing it on my wedding day. Getting ready to post some pics of that soon on my blog post about meeting & condemning…er, marrying the hubs. Who by the way is having a birthday on July 28th too. We should totally get together, rock the eye shadow and shoot fireworks off tomorrow night to celebrate.

    And does singing karaoke count for being a band member? I can do back up fer ya!

  20. I think that Butt Sex Check would be a perfect name for your disco band. And July 15th is my sister’s birthday so that is probably why the day is cursed. Anyway, good luck with the new birthday and the band and all.

  21. My first girlfriend’s b-day was July 28th. She broke my heart by making out with a sophomore at a church camp. I don’t blame God but I am suspicious.

    I would like to suggest you switch to July 30th. This will avoid the odd days & help me mend my broken heart.

  22. Cool blue eyeshadow, yo!! I think you should change it to a whole different season. You could have it on Dec 27th, and then I could share birthday presents with you too!! 🙂

  23. I wish I could comment something profound or witty. More the second one than the first, actually.

    But my mind is STILL reeling over the fact that someone out there pays that much money to INTENTIONALLY swallow a worm that could cause you to fart worm pieces. Like, ON PURPOSE. That’s the kind of shit you say when you’re warning someone off of a trip to a bad resort you stayed at one summer.

    “Dude. Do NOT go there. Serious. I ended up farting worm babies for ALL of September. Now you know why that one guy never called me back. Waking up to a worm coming out a gal’s ass is pretty much a guarantee that you won’t be seeing HIM again. Just, yeah, no. Just no. Trust.”

    Yeah, that’s pretty much where my head is now. So, I may have to come back tomorrow to wish you a happy birthday.

    And I do *not* work in the medical profession at all.

  24. I really hate to be the 70th post. I feel like I’m ruining everything.

    Still, I kind of wish we IM’d or texted or something, because then I think maybe someone would understand me in this world.

  25. Happy faux bday! I love reading your blog chicka! I love your humor and look forwarding to reading everyday, except of course when you get all “deep thoughts” and shit. Jk, I rethistles too and curse you later for making me cry. And because I turn 31 on Thursday, yea us July girls, I am very very SLIGHTY older. But still, you rock that bday wheneva you want!

  26. The other night, we were out with friends and I mentioned The List. They were like, “You have a LIST?!” And, I was like, “Well, yeah, I mean there hasn’t been any additions since I got married, but yes, there is a LIST.” They looked at me in shock. I couldn’t believe it. I felt so dirty! Hadn’t they seen Reality Bites, duh?! Off to check out the mushroom site.

  27. Awww I wish you would IM me. Those conversations would be so great because we are almost like twins. So our IM’s might really scare people. And I really do love your math. I may start using it.

  28. I have convos like that when I write all the fucking time. So thanks for that.

    Also, I’m changing my fucking birthday too. No ER visits, but it’s 4 days after my mom’s and 13 after the day she was murdered.

    Also, it’s in January – so what the fuck?

    Thanks Aunt Becky, just started reading your blog and already know you’re the best aunt I never had.

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