The Lunatic Is On The…Computer.

Posted on July 27th, 2010 by Your Aunt Becky

Pashmina: “How was your birthday?”

Aunt Becky: “Eh.”

Pashmina: “We’re thirty now.”

Aunt Becky: “I’m changing my birthday.”

Pashmina: “Are you one of those freaks that doesn’t like getting older?”

Aunt Becky: “No, I mean I’m changing the DAY.”

Pashmina: “…”

Aunt Becky: “See, 3 ER visits in 5 years means that the day is cursed. I wasn’t supposed to be born July 15 anyway but I was in distress or some shit.”

Pashmina: “Maybe you’re just unlucky.”

Aunt Becky: “The first person to wish me a happy birthday is always either an ER doc or a pharmacist. So no more. July 15, you are dead to me. July 28, you are my new birthday.”

Pashmina: “Can you do that? Like, just change the day?”

Aunt Becky: “Why not? It’s like Your Number of People You Bone. As you get farther past it, you know, some just DROP off the list for whatever reason.”

Pashmina: “…”

Aunt Becky: “You know, Bob had a micropenis so he didn’t count, and Jim humped your leg instead of your naughty bits and what’s-his-face had a bit of a premature ejaculation problem?”

Pashmina: “…”

Aunt Becky: “So they drop of Your List!”

Pashmina: “…”

Aunt Becky: “What?!?”

Pashmina: “The way you do math is bizarre.”

Aunt Becky: “I can justify just about anything. Like why I need to buy a tapeworm. And move to LA to start a disco band!”

Pashmina: “Disco sucks.”

Aunt Becky: “You won’t be saying that when my band is on the cover of Rolling Stone. You’ll be begging for groupies.”

Pashmina: “I am pretending not to know you anymore.”

Aunt Becky: “You won’t be saying that when my tapeworm farm is famous, either.”

Pashmina: “…”

Aunt Becky: “You’re still mad at me about the butt sex check (Pranksters, go read those links in that order) aren’t you?”

Pashmina: “No. Well, maybe.”

Aunt Becky: “How about I let you into my disco band as an apology?”

Pashmina: “You shine on you crazy diamond, you.”

Aunt Becky: “That’s the spirit! Let’s get some go-go boots and blue eye shadow!”

Now, Pranksters, aren’t you glad I don’t IM you?

——————-

It’s Toy With Me Tuesday! Where I talk about how to hide the sex toys. And by “how to” I mean that I have no fucking idea.

——————

Mushroom Printing. It’s up. It’s awesomer than ever. You can play, too.

75 Responses → “The Lunatic Is On The…Computer.”

Jackie

1 month ago

Ya know….. I think that IM would be very entertaining!

[Reply]
Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 11:11 am
Or annoying. Probably mostly annoying.

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mumma boo

1 month ago

I like the way you do math – makes me feel almost like I was a virgin on my wedding night. almost. *cough*

Oh, and Happy New Birthday a day early. July 28th is much better than July 15th.

[Reply]
Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 11:11 am
The date just…sounds right. And I’m not recelebrating or anything. This is for NEXT year.

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mumma boo Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
You’re entitled to re-celebrate. With or without vicodin – your choice.

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Michelle

1 month ago

If you forgot their name can you drop them from the list?

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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 11:11 am
Of course!

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Tyrone M.

1 month ago

Hell, you can buy tapeworms? I just found a new weight loss mechanism. Woop woop!

And the check memo thing? I’m stealing that.

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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 11:06 am
Oh yes. My tapeworm farm is going to be VERY good for weight loss. And probably getting sued.

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Ms Dreamer

1 month ago

So…it’s now in my email calendar to wish you a happy birthday on the 28th instead of the 15th.

And I’ll so be a disco groupie.
Because you fuckin’ rock.

[Reply]
Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 11:05 am
Hell, JOIN UP! You can join my band. ANYONE can join my disco band. The more, the merrier.

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Beth

1 month ago

I’m in if the disco band does ABBA covers. And some Beegees. Then I’m IN. Also? The Blogess can help with the tapeworm thing. She’s in the market.

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Mitch

1 month ago

All I have to say is that I LOVE that eye shadow. Share?

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Mitch Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 11:10 am
and, if you need another singer…

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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 11:13 am
Uh, you’re in the band, baby. And I’ll share ALL my makeup with you. We’re BFF!

[Reply]
Swedishskier

1 month ago

July 28th IS better. Its my birthday, I’m telling you, its a good one. I always have ridiculous and awesome shit happen and have super fun birthdays. Ok, but maybe not this year. I’m 8 months pregnant this year. I’m getting a pedicure and taking a nap. Which sounds super fun to me right now. So sad.

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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 11:45 am
I’m sold. But you know, napping always makes me happy in the pants.

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Cecelia Winesap

1 month ago

I agree with Mitch – what eyeshadow is that? Love it!

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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 11:44 am
Target special, darling. It flaked off after it dried because it was so Classee.

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meredith

1 month ago

you have eyeshadow, eyeliner & lip gloss in every frosted shade, right?

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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 11:44 am
Oh shit yeah I do. You’re joining my band, right?

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meredith Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 11:45 am
uh, of fucking course! i can actually even play instruments. and? i have years of collected body glitter.

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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 11:46 am
SOLD. You’re in. You’re in without being able to play a fucking thing, but this is even better.
Andygirl

1 month ago

fantastic idea! remind to wish you happy birthday again tomorrow.

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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 11:43 am
Oh hells yes! This year can be like a DOUBLE birthday for me!

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stacey@Havoc&Mayhem

1 month ago

I can do a rocking version of I Will Survive & somewhere in my makeup bag is some glittery blue eyeshadow and body glitter.

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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 11:43 am
You’re hired, baby!

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Ms. Moon

1 month ago

Hell yah! Change your birthday to the 28th. Then you can share it with me. And you know that’ll be fun.

[Reply]
Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 11:43 am
Now I know why I love that date so much!

[Reply]
a

1 month ago

I still don’t know why you like the end of July rather than the middle. All the Leos I know can be giant Assholes a lot of the time.

Nice eyeshadow.

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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 11:46 am
Most of the Leos I know, yeah, totally. But July 15 is just BAD NEWS BEARS for me.

[Reply]
a Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 11:50 am
See, I’d go with the 14th – it’s also Bastille Day, so you can run around singing La Marseillaise or yelling “Let them eat cake!” Or “off with their heads!” Whatever works.

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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 12:23 pm
That’s totally full of the win, too. Because I mean, who DOESN’T love that idea?
A Vapid Blonde

1 month ago

I have a vintage gold lame quilted jacket that is knee length that my mother MADE!

I know you need me in your band.

Also? I am convinced I used to have a tape worm so there’s that too.

Toddling off to click through those links now.

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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 12:24 pm
Uh, you are in the band, duder. I thought that you knew because obviously.

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CycleNinja Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 12:54 pm
Well, you need the blonde to do Blondie covers. Obviously.

If you need a manager, make sure I’m the 10,000th person you call.

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Mary

1 month ago

The tapeworm is a great idea, but I use coffee to get the same effect. Seriously, who needs to use a fuckin’ cleansing system?
Aunt Becky, you make me feeeeel like dancin’, gonna dance the night away.

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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 12:23 pm
YOOOUUUU COULD BE DANNNCCCIIIINNNGGGG.

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Vinomom

1 month ago

It is so awesome that you mentioned the Butt Sex check today because I JUST did that to my BFF this weekend. Awesome. Happy Birthday. I’ve got another year til the Dirty Thirty.

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Val

1 month ago

The best thing about the tapeworm factory is that it’s totally portable. AND you reap the benefits while GROWING your business! You could wear buttons like “Ask me about my tapeworms” while going to Target. Lower your BMI the natural way — tapeworms! The only downside is collecting the eggs/segments to ship to customers. Boo. But you could probably pay someone to do that for you. (Not me, BTW).

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Sara @ Life With the Two

1 month ago

I think your math makes perfect sense.

And? I’m sure you need a French horn player in your band, right? Because, clearly, to be a bad ass disco band you need an F horn player!

[Reply]
Becky Mochaface

1 month ago

You know July 29 is an awesome day for a birthday. I’m not trying to sway you off July 28. But it would be teh awesome to share a name AND a birthday. IJS.

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Brianna

1 month ago

You can IM me anytime, Aunt Becky. No, fo realz! BNLeuck on yahoo. I am eternally bored, dude. Entertain me, annoy me, send me random links of funny shit. You know, like my other friends do. xD

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Mandy

1 month ago

As long as Vegas is still on, I don’t gives a fuck when your ass celebrates your birthday. Although the Aries in me is thrilled that you’re a Leo, cuz we’re like compatible or some shit.

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Cara

1 month ago

I love the butt sex post!

Are you in need a a recorded player? I learned in the 3rd grade. I haven’t touched one since, but it’s like riding a bike, right?

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adhocmom

1 month ago

I will trade you. My birthday sucks. It’s November 29th. That means everyone is away having Thanksgiving and no one REMEMBERS. Very 16 candles. Oh, if we trade you’ll also be turning 39.

[Reply]
Melissa Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 2:30 pm
Mine is the 27rh, I feel you’re pain. PLUS, the family thinks that its ok to celebrate mine on Thanksgiving instead of taking me OUT like everyone ELSE gets that its fine to celebrate on Thanksgiving. Which is fine when it IS on Thanksgiving, but that is like every 7 years or some shit.

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Memoirista

1 month ago

Fall is lovely. . I vote October 14th. I think that’s libra? Everyone likes libras right?

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mepsipax

1 month ago

You are crazy…but you take a nice pic.
Also, I missed checking out your blog.

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Jack

1 month ago

The good news is that once you turn 30 it all goes to hell. Believe me, for the past 11 years I have looked fondly upon the days before I became an old man.

Anyhoo, got to a love a post that talks about tapeworms and groupies- good for SEO.

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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 3:20 pm
Bwahahaha. I’ll never get the kinds of hits anyone would want.

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Jack Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 8:53 pm
Don’t sell yourself short. Anytime now people will come knocking offering huge sums of money for your blog. Really, it could happen. Seriously- the Jersey shore kids are making money so I know that all things are possible.

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Melissa

1 month ago

Umm, Beckster, have you noticed that nobody noticed that you are wearing a supposed COSTUME? And that means your costume sucked. Your sparkly ass looked GOOD!

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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 3:19 pm
I was waiting for someone to tell me that I looked stupid. And yet…no. Yeah, THAT’S A COSTUME!

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magpie

1 month ago

That eye shadow is you.

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K Odell

1 month ago

You celebrate a day? Not a birth month? You’re missing out. I just call October as all mine.

and anything with the words butt sex is funny.

[Reply]
Mwa

1 month ago

Happy Birthday for tomorrow!

I think it’s brilliant. I changed the date of my birthday a couple of years ago, and it’s the best thing ever. So much less stressful!

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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 4:50 pm
REALLY!?! Now I love you more than ever.

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Mwa Reply:
July 27th, 2010 at 4:53 pm
That’s entirely mutual, dearest Aunt Becky.

If you don’t have time to read it, don’t worry – but I explained it earlier this year http://mwaonline.blogspot.com/2010/02/birthday-trouble-birthday-fun.html
best.thing.ever!

[Reply]
Stacey

1 month ago

You are rocking the blue eye shadow, but guess what? I do too! Seriously, I was wearing it on my wedding day. Getting ready to post some pics of that soon on my blog post about meeting & condemning…er, marrying the hubs. Who by the way is having a birthday on July 28th too. We should totally get together, rock the eye shadow and shoot fireworks off tomorrow night to celebrate.

And does singing karaoke count for being a band member? I can do back up fer ya!

[Reply]
The Mom(aka Amy)

1 month ago

I think that Butt Sex Check would be a perfect name for your disco band. And July 15th is my sister’s birthday so that is probably why the day is cursed. Anyway, good luck with the new birthday and the band and all.

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giggleblue

1 month ago

my birthday date needs more excitement.

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Didactic Pirate

1 month ago

Next year, I’m buying you a fresh tapeworm for your birthday.

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Kristin

1 month ago

You are warped and twisted and it just confirms my love for you.

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Pat Vermont

1 month ago

My first girlfriend’s b-day was July 28th. She broke my heart by making out with a sophomore at a church camp. I don’t blame God but I am suspicious.

I would like to suggest you switch to July 30th. This will avoid the odd days & help me mend my broken heart.

[Reply]
Becca

1 month ago

Cool blue eyeshadow, yo!! I think you should change it to a whole different season. You could have it on Dec 27th, and then I could share birthday presents with you too!!

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GuiltySquid

1 month ago

I wish I could comment something profound or witty. More the second one than the first, actually.

But my mind is STILL reeling over the fact that someone out there pays that much money to INTENTIONALLY swallow a worm that could cause you to fart worm pieces. Like, ON PURPOSE. That’s the kind of shit you say when you’re warning someone off of a trip to a bad resort you stayed at one summer.

“Dude. Do NOT go there. Serious. I ended up farting worm babies for ALL of September. Now you know why that one guy never called me back. Waking up to a worm coming out a gal’s ass is pretty much a guarantee that you won’t be seeing HIM again. Just, yeah, no. Just no. Trust.”

Yeah, that’s pretty much where my head is now. So, I may have to come back tomorrow to wish you a happy birthday.

And I do *not* work in the medical profession at all.

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Hockeymandad

1 month ago

need more glitter.

[Reply]
Sarah P

1 month ago

I really hate to be the 70th post. I feel like I’m ruining everything.

Still, I kind of wish we IM’d or texted or something, because then I think maybe someone would understand me in this world.

[Reply]
Tami

1 month ago

Happy faux bday! I love reading your blog chicka! I love your humor and look forwarding to reading everyday, except of course when you get all “deep thoughts” and shit. Jk, I rethistles too and curse you later for making me cry. And because I turn 31 on Thursday, yea us July girls, I am very very SLIGHTY older. But still, you rock that bday wheneva you want!

[Reply]
Kristy

1 month ago

The other night, we were out with friends and I mentioned The List. They were like, “You have a LIST?!” And, I was like, “Well, yeah, I mean there hasn’t been any additions since I got married, but yes, there is a LIST.” They looked at me in shock. I couldn’t believe it. I felt so dirty! Hadn’t they seen Reality Bites, duh?! Off to check out the mushroom site.

[Reply]
Jenni

1 month ago

I want to be your BFF

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Erin@Mommy on the Spot

1 month ago

I like the way you do math, pretty lady!

[Reply]
Your Aunt Becky Reply:
July 28th, 2010 at 5:17 pm
My math is great for the justification of everything.

[Reply]