When I was a kid, I was convinced that the worst song on the planet was the theme song from Facts of Life. There was just something genuinely awful about the uplifting lilt of those words “You take the good, you take the bad, and there you have the facts of life.” Like some sadistic serial killer would sing that as he mutilated corpses.

Just THINK about it.

As I got older, I changed my tune. Literally.

I then became sure that the worst song written was ACTUALLY Starlight Vocal Band’s Afternoon Delight. While I’ve previously detailed that I love nothing more than a good hump session–even knocking boots between the hours of 1 and 4 PM!–I simply couldn’t understand how anyone could listen to this song without vomiting. And then killing someone. And then vomiting again.

If you DO think this is the greatest song ever, I will fight you.

Then, a couple of months ago, I was watching my beloved show Glee, and the tall Frankenteen one launched into a song about Having a Baby and I kept waiting for it to get good. But it never did. It was bad. It was so, so BAD.

I couldn’t believe that the show that I lived and breathed for could showcase a song that proved that the Devil did live and breathe and walk among us. It was proof that God hated us. The song proved that the world was a cold, dark, awful, evil place.

The person who wrote that song was a bad, horrible, hateful man who did dark, wicked things, like cut the heads off of kittens while he wrote it. I had never heard such a vile, disgusting song in my life, and I am telling you that it changed me.

Paul Anka’s “(You’re) Having My Baby” is proof that there is PURE EVIL in the world.

(why yes, this IS a video I MADE for you)

[flashvideo file=”wp-content/uploads/2010/03/Having-My-Baby.flv” /]

You cannot tell me that this song was written by someone who did not have the fingers of tiny children in glass jars hidden in some apothecary in his house. Clearly no one sane or good could write a song like that. (but the person who put together the video montage to this song is clearly gifted AND achingly beautiful, AND adept at pointing at babies)

That, my friends, is the worst song on the planet. When I go to hell, THIS will be the song that is playing in my own special room for all of eternity on endless loop. I can think of no song worse that it.

And yes, Pranksters, that is a challenge. Hit me with your best (worst) song.

P.S. If you’re going to BlogHer, we can TOTALLY be BFF! because I am speaking at the panel on giving advice. I don’t exactly know WHEN it is, but you know, I expect that someone will pour vodka down my gullet and point me in the direction of the room that I am supposed to be talking to.

99 thoughts on “The Loveliest Way I Can Say How Much I Love You Is To NOT Have Your Baby

  1. You’re right. It’s a horrific song. Made even more horrific when your husband and his friends get on their knees and sing it to your pregnant self at a pool party. Fuckers. In second place? Precious and Few. Gack.

  2. Hands down, the Barney song. Ack, barf, heave, uck. And the fact that creepy man in a purple dino suit is singing it? Even worse. I need to go bleach my brain now to get rid of these songs. But you are right. The creator and editor of the video montage is PURE genius. 😉

  3. The 1970’s provided such a rich lot to choose from. I believe my mind was damaged by much of the top 40 of my childhood (thanks a bunch Casey Kasem). Perhaps one of the worst was Crystal Gayle’s “Don’t it make my brown eyes blue”

    No, Crystal, it doesn’t. But it does make me want to cut off your hair and make you.take.it.back. Or trap *you* in the back seat of my parent’s yellow Gremlin, listening to your hellish song, the smell of cigarettes and my mom’s Channel No. 5 perfume thick enough to make your eyes tear, stace of old not quite cleaned car puke in the air, and my little brother… have you ever watched a little brother eat Dunkin donuts on sticks? No one should have to see that shit. Good times. Good times.

    Ah, I just remembered “Gypsys, Tramps & Thieves” by Cher. Good gawd–that song broke the all time record of the longest running song IN MY HEAD. I think it played for several months and I am now worried I have reactivated that brain map. LALALALALALALALALLALALALALALA…. can’t hear you song…. LALALALALALALALALLA

  4. Hotel California makes my hair as straight as 70’s Cher hair and I can name it in one note.

    I won’t be at BlogHer so I hope they record your session and post it.

  5. For me it’s a tie between Mbop by Hanson and One Week by Bare Naked Ladies. Because they are so annoying. I have no idea what the lyrics are for either because I immediately turn to a different station anytime I hear the first notes. Once I even launched myself from the back seat to turn off the radio just so I didn’t have to to hear One Week.

  6. i hate the motherfucking electric slide. because everyone expects me to get up and dance in a synchronized fashion requiring coordination and memorization skills. i have neither.

    when i dance it’s more free-form and i may pull moves from hip-hop gesturing, punk thrashing and kicking, rock walking, grateful dead hippy girl spinning, and pole dancer gyrating. and none will be recognizable.

  7. Worst song ever? There is some song from the seventies about a man wandering through the desert on a horse with no name. I will kill him AND that goddman horse.Whoever wrote that song deserves to be drug out in the street and shot. And I’ll let that no names horse drag his lifeless body around in the street for awhile.With the exception of The Eagles and early Chicago the 70’s pretty much suck in general.

  8. I so completely agree with you. I have BOTH of the Glee soundtracks released to date and at least 3 other downloads from the show. However, it NEVER EVER EVER fails that I skip that song EVERY time I hear the first three beats of the song. Vile, Vile, Vile, Wretched song.

  9. Anything Rod Stewart ever recorded. Also possibly “Wish You Were Here.” *ducks to avoid the stiletto heels doubtlessly being tossed at my head*

  10. Sorry, but “The Most Beautiful Girl” by Charlie Rich has got to be the most annoying song. Especially when my husband sings it to me, George Costanza style. Blech!

    “Hey. Did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world? And if you did, was she cryin’ ?”

    No, she was getting a restraining order against you, you creep!

  11. yep that song sucks (hairy monkey balls)

    my most hated? anything played loud (i am audiosensitive and loud music makes me want to puke)

  12. I happen to hate the Red Shoe song, or is it Christmas Shoes? The one at Christmas. Because nothing says Christmastime and happiness more than a mother DYING!!!

    Thank you BTW. Now I have The Facts of Life Song in my head and it will not get out!!

    And don’t hateme but, I heart Afternoon Delight!

    1. Laura- You got it, that is hands down the WORST song ever. I got attacked by it while driving in my car and didn’t know any better. I started listening to the seemingly innocent song (it’s Christmas-time, what can go wrong?) and when I heard the words, I started crying like an idiot. I had to change the station and then it kept coming on everywhere I went. I’m like, seriously??? Who DOES that??? Who writes a song about DEATH for CHRISTMAS?!?!?!?! It’s just not right. Other songs may make me want to vomit or change the station in a heartbeat, but that one takes. the. cake.

      1. I had totally forgotten that one. Yes, the worst song, ever. And you know what? They love to play it at Christmas time. I run away from it everytime I hear it.

  13. My most hated is that stupid Chumbawumba song.
    I really enjoyed your montage. I was watching it and I accidentaly dumped coffee down my shirt.
    I just started following you a couple of months ago, and some days I think the internet was invented just for your blog, because it’s that awesome.

    1. GAHHHH – Tubthumper or something dumb like that. I sort of have to hate you now just for putting that ridiculous song in my head.

  14. “Party All The Time” by Eddie Murphy is abysmal. And now my teenaged girls have picked the tune up and are singing it all the freakin time. I constantly yell that I’m going to duct tape their mouths shut. It hasn’t gotten better with age.

    Also, anything by Miley Cyrus.

  15. Oh my lord Becky, I think you’re right. That song is prett-y bad. I used to have everything by the Carpenters as my most hated song. I’m pretty sure my grandparents would probably liken my hatred for the Carpenters up there with hating Christmas, but geeez. Their ears must have been made differently back then.

  16. I’m going to have to agree with Patty Punker. I HATE it when organized dancing type songs come on, and I always wonder why the hell everyone seems so happy!

  17. Ooops, I always liked Afternoon Delight. Can we still be friends?

    I’ll attend your BlogHer session if we can still be friends, cuz I’m going and I want to meet you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  18. That is so bad. But…….
    What about that song by that guy who auditioned for american idol but never made it but ended up coming out with a cd with this horrific song.

    What the hell was his name? William Hung ? Shit I dont know. But didnt he sing the remake of Achy Breaky Heart?

    OMG does anyone know what song I am talking about????

  19. Love glee, and while I’m no fan of “Papa Don’t Preach,” which, though sung by Madonna, was, in fact, written by a man, I don’t think it was “the worst song ever.”

    There are simply too many contenders to list here, but I nominate pretty much anything by Lionel Richie as well as “Endless Love” (talk about creepy), and, per my mother, “That’s the Way (uh-huh, uh-huh),” by KC and the Sunshine Band, the co-founder of which was just arrested for sexually abusing a boy.

    1. UGH!!!! I am still haunted by that AWFUL ‘Endless Love” song!! It
      was number one for approx eleventy-billion weeks in a row on the American Top 40 (listened every Sunday – Holla Casey Kasem! I’m still reaching for the stars!) when I was a kid…. I still gag & turn the station if it ever comes on!

      Also, I kinda love you Aunt Becky – You are FULL of The Awesome!

  20. “Womanizer” by Britney Spears

    “Don’t Worry; Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin

    “Dude Looks Like a A Lady” by Aerosmith

    “Walk the Dinosaur” by Was Not Was

    “Fireflies” by Owl City

    So many bad songs that get stuck in my head & I wish they’d GO. AWAY!!!

    Loved your video montage, though!

  21. Muskrat Love. Even stoned in the 70’s I recognized it for the crap it was. So far I’ve agreed with all the songs people have posted. (Except maybe “Horse with No Name. But as I said – I was stoned a lot in the 60’s and 70’s.) Which makes me wonder how all these songs got to be hit songs.

  22. Your video – I love it! I especially love how Ben thinks that his ideal birthday wish is to go to McDonalds because it’s cheap. Seriously, I would have laughed out loud here if everyone didn’t have their fingers stuffed up their woo-haws.

    The *worst* and I mean the *worst* song is You Light Up My Life by Debbi(e) Boone. How do I remember who sang it??? Because for one summer my mother played over, and over, and over again in rotation with Rhinestone Cowboy – yet another reason to impale yourself with earphones.

    And to my commenter above – KC was arrested for abuse? REALLY??? I gotta check that out!

    1. Bwahahaha – my Mom made my brother cry once when she bought a candle as a gift for his teacher and insisted that he write “you light up my life” in the card. She too played it over and over in her mustard yellow gremlin with the super cool 8 track while smoking with us in the back seat.

      I THINK my brother won. The tears were the only way to get our way back then. But he was crying for real. The visions of playground peer torture was too much for him.

    2. My grandfather HATES that song. When he would go out to milk the cows You Light Up My Life and some Butterfly song by Dolly Parton would play over and over on the radio.

      So, even today, we tease him by threatening to sing it at any and all family occasions. I even mailed him a Christmas card that said something to the effect of “Thanks for Lighting Up My Life” because I am a rotten mean grandchild.

  23. you totally win this one… i have never assaulted my eardrums with anything worse than that awful “havin my baby” song… I was embarrassed for the poor kid who had to sing it… I was embarrassed for myself for listening to it… it literally makes me cringe and want to stab out my own eardrums with an icepick… I think the best way someone could show their love for me is by completely eradicating that song from existence.

  24. I’m sure if I thought about it I could come up with something just as bad, but I REALLY listened to the lyrics, and I thought I was going to vomit.

    This song has no artistic merit at all – it is anti-feminist (‘MY baby’??), anti-lyrical (‘Can you feel it moving through you?’ – it sounds like a parasite! a tapeworm!), and anti-taste.

    Just no.

  25. Ok, since I cant copy Joanne I will post the one I originally thought of. (I think that kid songs should not be included because well obv. they suck)

    Manic Monday by the Bangles.

  26. anything by steely dan. there’s something about the bass or the lyrics or the song themes or the late ’70s/pre-’80s-ness of all their music that makes me want to leave scratch marks on someone’s arm. but don’t tell my husband who <3s steely dan.

  27. The band Rush….anything by them me want to kill the radio…like for realz! If my ears could vomit they would.

  28. Oh and the montage? Sofa King awesome! I watched without sound because I am in the office, but then couldnt resist so I put my headphones on. Still a bad idea since when the woman singing cut in and burst out laughing.

  29. I’m actually kind of shocked at how many of the comments have songs I really like in them. I guess that makes me weird. Worst song ever is hard to pin down for me since so many come to mind. “Thong Song”, “Wind Beneath my Wings”, anything by New Kids, Miley, or any other singer under the age of consent who sings about love like the even remotely know what it is…..
    But that video you made is full of the awesome!!

  30. I wanted to burn a CD that has the worst songs from the 90’s for my son’s birthday. My daughter talked me out of it, but this is as far as I got:
    Achy Breaky Heart(Billy Ray Cyrus), MMBop (Hansen), Macarena (Los Del Rio), Adams Groove(MC Hammer), Ice Ice Baby (Vanilla Ice), Mambo No. 5(Lou Bega), Barbie Girl (Aqua)

    My revenge for the teen-age years. (BWAA, HA, HA!!!)

  31. Starship’s “We Built This City”.

    I cannot listen to more than the first few notes without screaming and running away.

    Don’t know why but seriously, this song could be used as a lethal weapon.

  32. Just a little observation……The Daver holding newborn Amelia=shaved face and recent hair cut……..The Daver a little over a year later holding newborn nephew=longer wispy hair and unshaven……….I think Amelia is running The Daver into the ground.

  33. Ok I read through the comments and no mentioned two horrid songs from the seventies-Never Been To Me, and the Oscar winning(what the hell were they thinking) You Light Up My Life. Oh dear Lawd-KILL ME NOW!!!!
    And I am so with the other commentor who said anything by Rush! You can’t tell me there wasn’t Payola going on there!!!!!
    And Milli Vanilli!

  34. XD haha, when I read the title I immediately thought of Glee! But you are so right about the song…it’s just…awkward and…painful. *shivers* Loved your video montage though, it gave me a serious case of The lols.

  35. Ah…and as for terrible songs…Christmas shoes. The most God awful depressing Christmas song I have ever heard.

  36. Wow- with the exception of Steely Dan(who I love), I agree with everyone’s choices. Never Been to Me? Ugh! How did that even get recorded? That Christmas song makes me want to puncture my eardrums too. How can we pick just one awful song?! Although I may agree that it is Having My Baby. That song always made my skin crawl when it was out. I was a teenager and I hoped that it wasn’t what having a baby was really like!

  37. I give you Blender’s “50 Worst Songs Ever!”, with video! As the article says, “Watch, listen and cringe!”

    Btw, thanks to all of you, I now have a half dozen (or more) nasty ear worms. 🙁

  38. OK, the only way I like Afternoon Delight is when the guys on Anchorman sang it. Now that was pure genius.

    I’ve got one: Run Joey Run, back from the seventies. The dad ends up shooting his own daughter at the end. Nice.

  39. I am going to blogher! But I will not be partaking of the vodka. At last night’s Chelsea Handler performance I remembered I can’t drink vodka-it keeps me awake for days…but at blogher that might be a good thing?

  40. I don’t usually comment, I like to just sit back and enjoy…

    but there is an episode of a delightful show called Wonderfalls, that was canceled after like episode 3 but I happen to have the whole series on DVD, and there’s a crazy chick who wants to set her former therapist on fire and when she fantasizes about it throughout the episode she sings the Facts of Life.

    ooo look! I found a video!

  41. The only good thing about the song Afternoon Delight is that particular video so I can watch that babe Paul Rudd.

    As you may or may not know, I ::ahem:: own some Jonas Brothers cds, so I may not be the best authority when it comes to bad songs…


  42. Nicely done! I thought the middle fingers and gerbil (?) in particular really added some emotion to this montage. In fact it gave me chills. Not necessarily the good ones, but chills none the less.

    I WAS going to BlogHer, where we could have totally hung out, but now my son has a Rep soccer tournament in our nation’s capital and apparently it’s a good family vacation and learning opportunity that’s I’m not to miss. Damn kids. Ruining all my fun.

  43. you’re beautiful by that guy that whines about some complete stranger being beautiful that would never talk to him in real life. makes me want to punch babies.

  44. Had to come back to tell you about the dream I had about you last night……….FYI, in my dreams you and I are BFF.

    Anyway, I was invited to some sort of academy awards ceremony for bloggers (me?, there must have been a mistake). Some famous pair was accepting an award and the next award they were going to present was something that YOU were in running for. So, I look up at you (10-15 rows back Why were you back there??!) and wave and the couple exiting the stage were standing next to me talking to E! Entertainment News. The cameras pan to me and they show me waving up at you. They were getting ready to present the award and then my goofy kid wakes up and starts crying……I so know it was you who was going to win!!! Oh yeah, and Dooce wasn’t even invited to attend the ceremony cause she wasn’t good enough to come close to winning an award……..

    Also, my husband and the kids rode all the way to Hollywood with me in a very nice limousine.

    It was a nice dream, but this is the second dream I’ve had about you in about a month, I’m wondering what all of this means.

  45. Pretty sure that the worst song ever is whatever song my husband is currently listening to. At any given moment. OK, there are a couple decent songs in his collection, but if I have to hear any more of his awful country shit I will pull my hair out!

  46. I’m not sure if anyone other than me watched the movie PCU with Jeremy Piven (circa 1995 or so), but they locked the college government in a room with The Club (for cars) and put “Afternoon Delight” on repeat. People were jumping out the window to escape. Funny shit yo.

  47. I live in Paul Anka’s hometown, not far from Paul Anka Drive. I don’t understand how this proposal got through city council. Ech.

    The worst song in my opinion is “You’re Sixteen” – it’s especially creepy when you realise that the brothers who wrote it were in their 30s at the time.

  48. Becks, that montage is priceless. You must save it and play it at one of your children’s weddings. Heck, play it at all of them. Now I must go pour bleach in my ears before the earworms start their infestation. The list of horrible songs in the comments is making me twitch!

  49. The song “Jesus Take the Wheel”. It makes me want to kick a puppy, punch a baby, and set something on fire. Preferably Carrie Underwood for singing this awful song.

  50. A tie between “More Than Words” and “I Write the Songs”. The first one is a subtle way to say “bitch give it up for me” and the 2nd one is just plain horrifyingly sappy and always causes me to throw up a little in my mouth when I hear it.

  51. “All I want to do is Make Love to You” by Heart I think. Really… woman goes searching the highways for a guy to knock her up b/c her husband can’t? Yikes.

  52. Bex, I agree with all your choices and I was HORRIFIED that song was on the second Glee CD. My worst:

    1. Tom’s Diner. It came on during my shift of driving the in-laws’ car back from Florida, and I terrified everyone by shouting “no, dear god, NOOOO!!!” because I couldn’t figure out how to change the channel.

    2. That terrible song with all the numbers, 25 or 6 to 4?? When I was a kid I thought it was about a guy who couldn’t tell time. That’s still my best guess.

    3. Everything by REM and the B-52s. I don’t know why, but they totally make me want to scrape out my eardrums with an icepick.

  53. Bex, I agree with all your choices and I was HORRIFIED that song was on the second Glee CD. My worst:

    1. Tom’s Diner. It came on during my shift of driving the in-laws’ car back from Florida, and I terrified everyone by shouting “no, dear god, NOOOO!!!” because I couldn’t figure out how to change the channel.

    2. That terrible song with all the numbers, 25 or 6 to 4?? When I was a kid I thought it was about a guy who couldn’t tell time. That’s still my best guess.

    3. Everything by REM and the B-52s. I don’t know why, but they totally make me want to scrape out my eardrums with an icepick.

  54. I can think of two that make me twitch:
    Spirit in the Sky and Jeremiah was a bullfrog.

    However I think in my own personal hell Achy Breaky Heart will be playing a lot.

  55. “Sometimes when we touch
    the honesty’s too much
    and I have to close my eyes and hide.
    I wanna hold you ’til I die
    ’til we both break down and cry
    I wanna hold you ’til the fear in me susbides.”

    Dear motherfucker who wrote that song: If the 70’s had the internet, you would have been the RickRoll of the decade.

    Also, the all-time creepy award goes to: http://www.angelfire.com/pa3/singkj/night.html
    Dude, you sound like you’re 40. Listen to your friends when they say to leave that 16-year-old girl alone! INAPPROPRIATE!

    1. I love that song. I listen to it over and over when I am feeling hormonal and need to cry.

      Did I share too much?


      1. ME TOO! We should totally hang out!
        Seriously, who am I to judge? I once willingly went to a Def Leppard concert and tried to woo a girl by singing “Sexual Healing,” which is an awesome song, but loses a little something when belted by a white guy. And no, she didn’t sleep with me.

  56. I hate that Paul Anka song with a white-hot hatred that is hotter than the fires of hell. S-M-A-R-M-Y. And I do not DO the smarm, Aunt B. I mostly just hate anything Paul Anka recorded.

    But if you really want to simulate hell for me, play anything by Dave Wilcox*. ANYTHING.


    The dude sounds flat as a pancake and like he’s one blink away from slitting his own wrists.

    Seriously, how could you possibly SING these lyrics:

    Having breakfast at the circus
    With the lions and the clowns
    Everybody’s laughing just hanging around
    But nobody’s gonna love you unless you help tear down
    Breakfast at the cirucs with the lions and the clowns

    Who heard him and said, “We should record this?” What where they smoking? Can I have them all set out on ice floes?

    His songs make the most insidious ear worms. Just typing this is recreating his flat, flat, FLAT voice in my mind’s ear. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    Whenever his “songs” come on the radio, I have to dive for the dial before I hear more than 3 words or thoughts of suicide torment me.

    And the worst? The worst thing of all? The real knife to the heart of this? Both of these dudes are Canadian. For shame.

    *Sincere apologies to any Dave Wilcox fans reading this.

  57. It’s hard to say. That scene in “Anchorman,” for example, redeems “Afternoon Delight” in my eyes. It’s an ungodly awful song, but now I picture Steve Carrell trying to follow along, and I just laugh.

    I do really, really hate the Wiggles. I can stand them for a while, but then I just get wrapped up in “But your big red car is really little! And why don’t any other cars on the road seem bothered by you? And what’s up with the yellow-shirt guy? Did they just replace him and hope no one would notice? Does new Mr Yellow Shirt even know how to drive the Big Red Car?” And before I know it, we’re singing about Dorothy the Dinosaur and I have a whole new set of concerns.

  58. I <3 you. And your taste in music. But, no, I am not having your baby… nor will I ever sink to you about either of us doing so. :: shudder ::

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