When I was a kid, I was convinced that the worst song on the planet was the theme song from Facts of Life. There was just something genuinely awful about the uplifting lilt of those words “You take the good, you take the bad, and there you have the facts of life.” Like some sadistic serial killer would sing that as he mutilated corpses.
Just THINK about it.
As I got older, I changed my tune. Literally.
I then became sure that the worst song written was ACTUALLY Starlight Vocal Band’s Afternoon Delight. While I’ve previously detailed that I love nothing more than a good hump session–even knocking boots between the hours of 1 and 4 PM!–I simply couldn’t understand how anyone could listen to this song without vomiting. And then killing someone. And then vomiting again.
If you DO think this is the greatest song ever, I will fight you.
Then, a couple of months ago, I was watching my beloved show Glee, and the tall Frankenteen one launched into a song about Having a Baby and I kept waiting for it to get good. But it never did. It was bad. It was so, so BAD.
I couldn’t believe that the show that I lived and breathed for could showcase a song that proved that the Devil did live and breathe and walk among us. It was proof that God hated us. The song proved that the world was a cold, dark, awful, evil place.
The person who wrote that song was a bad, horrible, hateful man who did dark, wicked things, like cut the heads off of kittens while he wrote it. I had never heard such a vile, disgusting song in my life, and I am telling you that it changed me.
Paul Anka’s “(You’re) Having My Baby” is proof that there is PURE EVIL in the world.
(why yes, this IS a video I MADE for you)
[flashvideo file="wp-content/uploads/2010/03/Having-My-Baby.flv" /]
You cannot tell me that this song was written by someone who did not have the fingers of tiny children in glass jars hidden in some apothecary in his house. Clearly no one sane or good could write a song like that. (but the person who put together the video montage to this song is clearly gifted AND achingly beautiful, AND adept at pointing at babies)
That, my friends, is the worst song on the planet. When I go to hell, THIS will be the song that is playing in my own special room for all of eternity on endless loop. I can think of no song worse that it.
And yes, Pranksters, that is a challenge. Hit me with your best (worst) song.
P.S. If you’re going to BlogHer, we can TOTALLY be BFF! because I am speaking at the panel on giving advice. I don’t exactly know WHEN it is, but you know, I expect that someone will pour vodka down my gullet and point me in the direction of the room that I am supposed to be talking to.