“This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest, a quest for fun. I’m gonna have fun and your gonna have fun. We’re gonna have so much fucking fun they’re gonna need plastic surgeons to remove the smiles from our fucking faces. We’ll be whistling zippity-doo-dah out of our ass holes!”

–National Lampoon’s Vacation.

So here it is. The moment you’ve all been patiently waiting for. Or not. The entries for Aunt Becky’s Travels The World And Does Stuff are below, and numbered. Vote for your favorite, tell nay beg your readers, your Twitter people, your family and friends, whomever you can con into voting for you to vote for you so that you can win a gigantic bag of BlogHer swag!

Voting will last for one week, and on September 15, at 11:59 PM, will dramatically cease. If all goes well (read: I can figure out the results without a Gideon’s Bible, a stack of tequila and a bottle of uppers), and it should, the winner, along with several runners-up shall be announced on September 16.

The entries are numbered in (presumably, but one can never be sure) the correct order and a poll is nicely embedded at the bottom. Choose your favorite and vote for their number. Please, don’t vote more than once per person because that would be cheating and no one likes a cheater. Unless the cheater SHARES.

Good night and good luck.

1) First, I tackled Florida, because I was in dire need of some R and R. Too many Sausages, not enough sleep. Sadly, my pasty white butt did NOT tan.

2) Then, because I am a highly skilled nurse, I examined and cared for a wee puppy. I might have gotten a little misty at the cute overload.

3) Then I traveled to Canada, land of hockey and, hm, nice people? where a small girl named Munchkin played a game with me. And Aunt Becky smiled when she realized the small girl could not read. Aunt Becky is not, of course, intended for small children. Or people with heart conditions. Please consult a doctor if you have an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.

4) As further evidence of my R-rating, I offer you proof of my debauchery with my girl Beautiful Mess. Aww YEAH!

5) Aunt Becky returned to her PG roots with a couple of dinosaurs and some Storm Troopers. And of course, some cuddly kittahs. DO NOT EAT THE KITTAHS.

6) After nearly being eaten by dinosaurs and ATTACK KITTAHS, Aunt Becky traveled to a land of bobble-headed kids–not unlike her own–and rednecks.

7) Having been a Damn Yankee (a word, I should tell you, that online Scrabble does NOT recognize because it is an assbag), for most of her life, Aunt Becky had never been to The Dirty South to meet Cardboard Brad. Until, of course, NOW.

8 ) And then, Aunt Becky needed to work through the injuries sustained on Amy’s watch, so she went up North and went Skidoo-ing.

Which, of course, we all know is good for healing. Because, obviously.

9) Then off to Canada for some soccer balls, condoms and tampons, Aunt Becky traveled.

10) Knowing that Her Aunt Becky adores Dolly Parton, Aunt Becky was taken to Dollywood. Squee!!

11) Then, it was time for some vodka and ribbons. And it was goood.

12) In a stunning fit of Awesomeness, I took my favorite food group, besides butter, and turned myself into it: Stuff on Sticks.

13) And nothing screams “Aunt Becky” like road- tripping it to Iowa. I turned into The Other White Meat.

Mmmm, porky.

14) After all that fried food, I figured a good fight might help me digest the food. My ass, it was kicked.

15) In a stunning fit of the utmost drunkenness, I was seduced and had a foursome with an old friend. We invited Ben AND Jerry. And maybe some ice cream and romance novels. And fish food.

In Part Number B I wondered: why do waste management centers always smell like poo and farts?

16) Then she learned to play the ukulele (also: need to learn to spell that properly), cuddled a fussy baby, and then was placed in mortal peril. OH NOES!

Aunt Becky was cornholed before hitching a ride on a monkey’s ass, and eventually hoofed it back to safety on a moose’s toe.

It. Was. Rad.

17) After being so violated, Aunt Becky decided that the best course of action was to go back and get re-socialized at preschool.

Start at the beginning, right?

18) It worked, for awhile. Then, she was part of an encased meats sculpture. We all know that “Aunt Becky” is synonymous with “encased meats.” And maybe “Lipator.”

19) Other things that Aunt Becky both loves and requires include toilets and boobie beer steins.

Welcome to Germany! Aww, YEAH! Pass the beer. AND the boobies!

20) Then, in a supreme effort of defiance, screamed “NOBODY PUTS AUNT BECKY IN A CORNER!” But after that, she held a friend’s hand as she went into her PET scan. HELLS YEAH TO REMISSION, BABY!

And I SWEAR your husband and I were just talking!

21) After that, I went to hang with my East Coast bitches, where I flung poo at small children (wouldn’t you?) and drank copious amounts of tequila. I’m starting to think I’m going to have a hell of a time detoxing after this is all over.

22) Where else would a wanna-be microbiologist go but to a lab to grow some bacteria. Oh, and play with some wicked cool weapons. Rock. Music. Fucking scientists are awesome.

23) Down to the land of Florida, my business card traveled to Take Aunt Becky To Work Day RJ Flamingo. Watch as I get rowdy, Xerox my own ass, drink some mighty fine coffee and wish like hell I lived down there.

24) Swallowing my hatred for DMB groupies, I went with Mrs. and Mr. Soup to a Dave Matthews Band concert. While I groaned and complained about it, we had a freaking BLAST. Cool Ranch Doritos and hot groupies are Where It’s At.

25) After a quick bath in bleach to rid myself of the Pachulli from those damn hippies, I drown my sorrows in tequila. LOTS of tequila. Which we all know gets us all fucked up. I’d tell you more, but then I’d have to kill you.

26) Then, I pimped a friend’s Escalade by being in the car with her after we baked *wink, wink* cupcakes. It was hot. She tried to make me go to rehab and I said, no, no, no.

27) I annoy babies. Obviously.

28) We can only hope that I make people–especially awesome babies— poo rainbows. Because that would RULE.

Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment.

Good luck. And good night. Yo.

44 thoughts on “The Hamptons Are Pretentious Unless You Invite Me Along.

  1. Pingback: The Hamptons Are Pretentious Unless You Invite Me Along. | twitter-abc.com
  2. AWESOME… And I gate-crashed the par-tay and have an entry of my own ๐Ÿ˜‰

    (don’t need to be on the list, since I never *really* signed up … more like STOLE … but I thought I’d let ya know)

    Checking this OUT.

  3. I voted! It was fun to see all the different things people did. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Totally FUN. I only wish I’d REALLY been there. too bad that I’m not that portable.

  4. They are all so great! This is too fun. Now I have something new to stalk – my ranking!

    Okay – for real, I just double checked my URL, I wasn’t sure for a minute where my own blog was located.

    Bwahahaha! I hope that it was right!

  5. Good luck everyone!

    And may I just say, I have already won because I will soon be taking Aunt Becky to be my lesbian lover wife. And we will shoot girly flavored vodka and have foursomes with Ben and Jerry all the freaking time.

    Because we’re kinky like that. Yo.

  6. *sigh* I didn’t submit mine because I had seen an entry that was damn-near identical to mine, right down to the Intense For Her lube! (Seriously: my free sample and Aunt Becky arrived in the mail on the same day — you were pressed up against one another in the mail box.)

    IF The Man-Thing can fix my computer without having to reinstall (read: make me lose all my shit, literally and figuratively *weeps softly*), I’ll send it to you anyhow, just for shits & giggles.

  7. So normally, I’d be all bummed and shit about not being in the lead. However, the entries I get to read, plus participating equals a big “holy shit, stalking Aunt Becky is totally worth it”!

  8. i’m so stinking loving this! but when i dropped to #2 halfway thru the day, i thought i’d die…i had 2 step back & breathe…& b like, it’s just a contest – u don’t HAVE to win! ~lol~ i’m so competitive, i shoulda known better! ;0)

    but i’m just glad i got 2 b a part of it – it was fun working on it all last month & the other entries had me rolling too

    i do hope u get that issue with the poll thingy figured out tho…i was bummed when my co-workers were like “what radio button?”…they see exactly what i see after i voted so i’m guess it’s cause we’re all in the same building, on the same network? thx 4 checking on this girl

    & thx 4 hosting a super fun contest…u rock so stinking hard!!!

  9. Hey! Southampton is a little less pretentious in September! Come visit! I’ll put you up in my 1,500 sq.ft. mansion!

    Color me THERE.

  10. dude, i am such a slacker.
    i have a bazillion pics of you, here in gypsyland. i still am going to post your adventures because, well…because i CAN. sorry if my slacking disappointed you :{

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *