“This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest, a quest for fun. I’m gonna have fun and your gonna have fun. We’re gonna have so much fucking fun they’re gonna need plastic surgeons to remove the smiles from our fucking faces. We’ll be whistling zippity-doo-dah out of our ass holes!”
–National Lampoon’s Vacation.
So here it is. The moment you’ve all been patiently waiting for. Or not. The entries for Aunt Becky’s Travels The World And Does Stuff are below, and numbered. Vote for your favorite, tell nay beg your readers, your Twitter people, your family and friends, whomever you can con into voting for you to vote for you so that you can win a gigantic bag of BlogHer swag!
Voting will last for one week, and on September 15, at 11:59 PM, will dramatically cease. If all goes well (read: I can figure out the results without a Gideon’s Bible, a stack of tequila and a bottle of uppers), and it should, the winner, along with several runners-up shall be announced on September 16.
The entries are numbered in (presumably, but one can never be sure) the correct order and a poll is nicely embedded at the bottom. Choose your favorite and vote for their number. Please, don’t vote more than once per person because that would be cheating and no one likes a cheater. Unless the cheater SHARES.
Good night and good luck.
1) First, I tackled Florida, because I was in dire need of some R and R. Too many Sausages, not enough sleep. Sadly, my pasty white butt did NOT tan.
2) Then, because I am a highly skilled nurse, I examined and cared for a wee puppy. I might have gotten a little misty at the cute overload.
3) Then I traveled to Canada, land of hockey and, hm, nice people? where a small girl named Munchkin played a game with me. And Aunt Becky smiled when she realized the small girl could not read. Aunt Becky is not, of course, intended for small children. Or people with heart conditions. Please consult a doctor if you have an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.
4) As further evidence of my R-rating, I offer you proof of my debauchery with my girl Beautiful Mess. Aww YEAH!
5) Aunt Becky returned to her PG roots with a couple of dinosaurs and some Storm Troopers. And of course, some cuddly kittahs. DO NOT EAT THE KITTAHS.
6) After nearly being eaten by dinosaurs and ATTACK KITTAHS, Aunt Becky traveled to a land of bobble-headed kids–not unlike her own–and rednecks.
7) Having been a Damn Yankee (a word, I should tell you, that online Scrabble does NOT recognize because it is an assbag), for most of her life, Aunt Becky had never been to The Dirty South to meet Cardboard Brad. Until, of course, NOW.
8 ) And then, Aunt Becky needed to work through the injuries sustained on Amy’s watch, so she went up North and went Skidoo-ing.
Which, of course, we all know is good for healing. Because, obviously.
9) Then off to Canada for some soccer balls, condoms and tampons, Aunt Becky traveled.
10) Knowing that Her Aunt Becky adores Dolly Parton, Aunt Becky was taken to Dollywood. Squee!!
11) Then, it was time for some vodka and ribbons. And it was goood.
12) In a stunning fit of Awesomeness, I took my favorite food group, besides butter, and turned myself into it: Stuff on Sticks.
13) And nothing screams “Aunt Becky” like road- tripping it to Iowa. I turned into The Other White Meat.
14) After all that fried food, I figured a good fight might help me digest the food. My ass, it was kicked.
15) In a stunning fit of the utmost drunkenness, I was seduced and had a foursome with an old friend. We invited Ben AND Jerry. And maybe some ice cream and romance novels. And fish food.
In Part Number B I wondered: why do waste management centers always smell like poo and farts?
16) Then she learned to play the ukulele (also: need to learn to spell that properly), cuddled a fussy baby, and then was placed in mortal peril. OH NOES!
Aunt Becky was cornholed before hitching a ride on a monkey’s ass, and eventually hoofed it back to safety on a moose’s toe.
It. Was. Rad.
17) After being so violated, Aunt Becky decided that the best course of action was to go back and get re-socialized at preschool.
Start at the beginning, right?
18) It worked, for awhile. Then, she was part of an encased meats sculpture. We all know that “Aunt Becky” is synonymous with “encased meats.” And maybe “Lipator.”
19) Other things that Aunt Becky both loves and requires include toilets and boobie beer steins.
Welcome to Germany! Aww, YEAH! Pass the beer. AND the boobies!
20) Then, in a supreme effort of defiance, screamed “NOBODY PUTS AUNT BECKY IN A CORNER!” But after that, she held a friend’s hand as she went into her PET scan. HELLS YEAH TO REMISSION, BABY!
And I SWEAR your husband and I were just talking!
21) After that, I went to hang with my East Coast bitches, where I flung poo at small children (wouldn’t you?) and drank copious amounts of tequila. I’m starting to think I’m going to have a hell of a time detoxing after this is all over.
22) Where else would a wanna-be microbiologist go but to a lab to grow some bacteria. Oh, and play with some wicked cool weapons. Rock. Music. Fucking scientists are awesome.
23) Down to the land of Florida, my business card traveled to Take Aunt Becky To Work Day RJ Flamingo. Watch as I get rowdy, Xerox my own ass, drink some mighty fine coffee and wish like hell I lived down there.
24) Swallowing my hatred for DMB groupies, I went with Mrs. and Mr. Soup to a Dave Matthews Band concert. While I groaned and complained about it, we had a freaking BLAST. Cool Ranch Doritos and hot groupies are Where It’s At.
25) After a quick bath in bleach to rid myself of the Pachulli from those damn hippies, I drown my sorrows in tequila. LOTS of tequila. Which we all know gets us all fucked up. I’d tell you more, but then I’d have to kill you.
26) Then, I pimped a friend’s Escalade by being in the car with her after we baked *wink, wink* cupcakes. It was hot. She tried to make me go to rehab and I said, no, no, no.
27) I annoy babies. Obviously.
28) We can only hope that I make people–especially awesome babies– poo rainbows. Because that would RULE.
Good luck. And good night. Yo.