I was thinking about it sort of sadly as I perused the stacks of new and hip clothes at H & M on Saturday (also I thought about this: when the fuck did the 80’s come back in style?) that I haven’t worn my Real Clothes–the ones I’d had for years–since 2006. After I’d gotten pregnant with Alex on my birthday (so THAT’s the way it is in my family)(also: guess what *I* got for my birthday that year?)(answer: a fetus) in 2006, as I turned 26, I almost immediately began to gain weight.

I’d fallen into the I’ll eat everything I can think of because it’s good for the preschus bay-bee trap when I’d had Ben, and it took me years to beat those 60 pounds off. So when I got pregnant with Alex, I was bound and determined to gain the recommended whatever it is. I was exactly what I weighed when I got pregnant with Ben as when I got pregnant with Alex, and it was on the high end of normal for my BMI (lest you take from this that I have been skinny since I was 15) (because I haven’t), so I was shocked at my week 9 visit when I’d gained 9 pounds.

It was shocking because I’d been barfy the whole time and not really eating and Jesus H, !9! pounds! THAT’S A TON OF LBS for someone who isn’t eating.

So yeah, the elastic band trick through the pants laughed in my sad, fat face and I immediately had to buy some maternity pants. I know plenty of people who can easily squeeze themselves into their old clothes for months, but since I carry my extra weight in my belly when I’m thin, it’s just freaking more uncomfortable when I’m pregnant. And since so many things about pregnancy are uncomfortable, why not eliminate what you can when you can?

(especially when you cannot eat either hot dogs OR soft cheeses) (assholes)

Anyway, I digress.

I’d lost all but 15 pounds of Alex weight when I got pregnant with Amelia, and piled 60ish pounds on top of that. The result is not pretty. I’ve tried the Alli, which, even with the oily ass-butter, didn’t help. I tried cutting out fast food, cupcakes and butter as food groups, and still nothing. I knew I was going to be fat for BlogHer and while I wasn’t happy about it, I thought at least a couple of pounds might budge.

Not yet, ickle grasshopper. It doesn’t appear that my body has gotten the message to drop these pesky pounds, and so fat I will be. Diet and exercise, just as an FYI, don’t ALWAYS work.

I considered calling in fat to the conference, but since I already paid for my tickets and got self-absorbed enough to have business cards made, I figured I probably was stuck going. Besides, skipping an event because you’re fat? Kinda pathetic, yo.

So there I was, in H & M trying to find anything that might fit. I got discouraged enough looking at the legwarmers and oversized shirts that I left for greener (read: fatter) pastures. I did end up finding pants, and I will tell you that I actually cried when I saw the size.

It’s going to take awhile to get these pounds to consider budging, and I guess that’s okay, even though maybe I should take up a Little Debbie Habit since I already look like I have one. I’ve found a way to work exercise into my schedule next month, once Ben is done with swimming lessons, and I’m probably going to try Weight Watchers again, after the conference just so I feel like I’m doing SOMETHING to combat this.

And decided that I’m (mostly) done apologizing for being heavier. Done. I’ll get the weight off, but in the meantime, I’m not going to shove myself into ill-fitting clothes. No, I’m going to do things that will make myself feel pretty: I’ll go tanning, get my hairs did, buy some freaking clothes. Why not celebrate what I’ve got right now?

But I celebrated last night. Not the loss of pounds, but the removal of clothes from my closet. Anything I hated, anything that wasn’t going to fit anytime soon, all that stuff, most of my maternity clothes, into bags. I filled up three garbage bags and I celebrated. The same way I celebrated when it rained in the wee hours of my birthday: I feel like I’m wiping the slate clean and starting again.

Last year on my birthday, when I was all pregnant and spotty and hormonal I remember hoping and praying that this year would be better and hahaha! 28 has been the hardest of my life so far. There’s obviously no guarantee that 29 will be any better because most of what happens is stuff I have no control over anyway, like that song about Jesus and the Wheel goes.

But I’m taking this all as a Good Omen. I’ll probably eat my words along with my humble pie slathered in ketchup because this is what I usually do, but for now, I feel lighter.

Come on up here and sit on your Aunt Becky’s lap and tell her, what do you find to be Good Omens?

————

I think I am going to make a separate page for the Amelia stories, which, by the way, thank you for reading and being kind about. I read up on the therapy for PTSD and apparently, talking about it rather than keeping it inside, you’re supposed to talk about it. And after I received the first bill from the therapist, I’m all “dude, I’m just going to tell the Internet. That’s free-er and stuff.”

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

53 Responses to The Great Purge Fest of ‘Aught Nine

  • SciFi Dad says:

    Congratulations. You have just written the first fat/purge post in the history of the internet that wasn’t about bulimia.

  • Dot says:

    But you look exactly the same from here. ;-)

  • Pingback: Weight Loss » Blog Archive » The Great Purge Fest of ‘Aught Nine

  • Kristin says:

    Sadly for me, the fastest way to lose weight is get pregnant. Yeah, I’ve got a seriously fucked up metabolism and I lose weight when I’m pregnant.

    And, I totally think you should regard that as a good omen.

  • Kristina says:

    I gave up on good omens. Every time I thought I had one, something shitty happened. So now, I just do my best to roll with the punches.

    P.S. The 80’s stuff? Doesn’t it mean you’re officially O.L.D. when the clothes you grew up wearing have come “back” into style. I never thought I would see the rebirth of 2 pairs of neon socks on each foot. But mark my words- I will never wear stirrup pants again.

  • Lola says:

    Well, you could always jog to the Cooter Convention and back or you could buy some Hammer pants. I hear they’re back in style!

    Ahh, I’m sure you’ll look great, cuz you’re sexxxay as hell. You just need to give yourself a break and realize that you had a baby not that long ago and tons and tons of stress for months.

    Good omens: The batteries in my scale died, so I can’t depress myself today. I’m feeling lighter already.

  • calliope says:

    wow- a closet purge is pretty intense. go you! but seriously- you are a beautiful person- inside & out.

    good omens: I always feel lucky if I happen to look up and notice that the time is 11:11

  • Kim Hartman says:

    I’m exactly where you are, only quite a bit older. I quit smoking and gained 33lbs…of beautiful non-smoking fat…..yeah, I started smoking again….now I’m in the process of quitting again, have only been back at it for about 7 or 8 weeks, so it won’t be too hard to quit with the little helper called Chantix…I’m feeling good about that, but BAD about the weight.

    wanna start a somewhat snarky support group and tell each other our weight (like weigh-ins) each week? I only want to be in a group of people who understand the level of scarcasm goes hand in hand with the weight gain.

    And, as always, I love hanging with my gnomie.

  • Mrs Soup says:

    *snuggles up with the loverly Aunt Becky*

    I want a pony and a Barbie and…oh wait.

    (Just as I was about to hit post I realized how that could seem like I’m commenting on your weight. For the record, THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION! Anytime anyone comments on lap sitting that’s immediately what I think. So no. That’s not what it was suppose to be. Unless it makes you giggle, and then I totally meant it that way….)

    I find good omens tend to be random. A random line in the Bible found while flipping through, a blog post, an animal seen on the side of the road. It makes me wonder how many I miss in my life.

    You look gorgeous. Especially with your new clothes!

  • violet says:

    Just like Stacy and Clinton (What Not To Wear) always say, size is just a stupid number and it doesn’t matter, what matters is what you wear and how you wear it! that has helped me out tremendously. I gained 30 lbs when I got married, I had a baby and got divorced and still haven’t lost the damn weight. I just make sure I wear clothes that enhance my natural curves!!! embrace it!

  • Enjoy Blogher regardless of the size of your ass. Remember, it’s your brilliant wit and turn of a phrase that they are there for, not to scrutinize the size of your pants.

  • harrytimes says:

    I just started losing weight using sparkpeople.com– it’s been surprisingly easy to follow. I don’t use their pre-planned meals, but I do use the journal to keep track of everything I eat, and I’ve lost 10 pounds in 7 weeks. I also take my kids to the gym daycare everyday while I work out because it’s awesome to have someone watch my preshus angels for an hour, and I can read some Wired and Us Weekly on the treadmill. Good luck!

  • Tara says:

    Cleaning out the closet and dresser is the best. Then you get to go buy all new stuff to fill it back up again and you feel AWESOME. Don’t look at the # on the clothes, just look at how HOT you truly are. You are an awesome mom (well from what I read on here) ;)

    I love cleaning out my cupboards and fridge. I love the pinesol smell that comes out of the fridge when I open it and everything is so damn sparkly clean, only for my hubby to spill something and not clean it up. But hey it usually lasts a week.

  • a says:

    I saw some stirrup pants for sale somewhere, and I just about fainted. I thought for sure that would be one misstep that wouldn’t be repeated. But, like night follows day, once a belted shirt comes back into fashion, leggings and stirrup pants are sure to follow. Sigh. Fortunately, my eternal wardrobe of jeans and t-shirts/sweatshirts/sweaters never go out of style!

    Trust me when I tell you that you should work your ass off (ha ha – great pun) to get to whatever weight you want to be at as soon as possible. Your metabolism does not go anywhere good from here.

    Good omens? Usually when the birds land outside my window at work and just hang out there – it always happens when I’m having a difficult time.

  • Daniel says:

    You could try doing a fast? I do one day a week but i’m playing with a 10-day fast idea.

  • MK says:

    Listen. I’ve just decided my husband has turned into a Chubby Chaser. That helps me get thru the day. Nevermind the fact that he married someone 30lbs lighter (That was 7 years and 2 kids ago)…He must have changed his
    ‘tastes’ right. That, or he’s waiting for the magic ‘pill’ to make his wife a Hottie again.

    :p

    Good luck w/ the feeling better plan! We all need a lil help!

  • Mwa says:

    My good omens:

    All the lights being green when I get to them.
    My favourite songs come on the radio.
    A friend I’ve been thinking about calls out of the blue.

  • Danielle says:

    Good for you for taking the wheel! I know the reference is wrong, but how can one NOT think your God-like and stuff ;o)

    Have SO much fun at Blog-Her! Take tons of pictures for the uncool kids that can’t go *me*. We wanna pretend that we were there, at least!
    *HUGS*

  • fidget says:

    i make killer key lime pie and it’s WAY tastier then humble pie. You should visit

  • Melisa says:

    I’m coming up on my 15 year class reunion with 100 pounds I didn’t have in high school. Alli can only do so much (and eating mac-n-cheese and cornbread for lunch today didn’t help)…So don’t worry about whatever weight you may weigh today. Weigh your heart. I hope it’s full of love and friends and happy thoughts. I know all kinds of skinny bimbos that may have the body but can’t create a complete sentence. We all have our own crosses to bear. Just love yourself. After all, if you don’t, no one else will.

  • Lu ~ @masmom says:

    I have been all over the place with my weight. It blows. I too am sick of it. Right now I am between recovering from ankle surgery and just not giving a flying f*&k anymore. I hope you find a happy place with it, or with out it.

  • Bluebird says:

    Ah, I’m sorry. I was really hoping the Alli (or something) would do the “trick”! I, too, purged my closet not too long ago. . . I had dreams of my pre-pregnancy size (I insisted I would not have a mom body when I was not – in the eyes of the world – a mom) – but I seem to be completely lacking in motivation (plus, I’m convinced my metabolism is jacked now). Anyway, suffice it to say that nearly 8 months later and there’s no sign of that happening – so I made myself clearn out my closet and go shopping. I stomped and pouted the entire time because I didn’t *want* to buy that size pant! But – wearing them makes me feel much better than something that has to be left unbuttoned. *Sigh*

    Well, I’m proud of you. And I hope you’re able to feel sexy and confident at BlogHer!

  • Bluebird says:

    Ah, I’m sorry. I was really hoping the Alli (or something) would do the “trick”! I, too, purged my closet not too long ago. . . I had dreams of my pre-pregnancy size (I insisted I would not have a mom body when I was not – in the eyes of the world – a mom) – but I seem to be completely lacking in motivation (plus, I’m convinced my metabolism is jacked now). Anyway, suffice it to say that nearly 8 months later and there’s no sign of that happening – so I made myself clearn out my closet and go shopping. I stomped and pouted the entire time because I didn’t *want* to buy that size pant! But – wearing them makes me feel much better than something that has to be left unbuttoned. *Sigh*

    Well, I’m proud of you. And I hope you’re able to feel sexy and confident at BlogHer!

  • LeAnn says:

    Good omen: Finding the pants that I’ve been searching for – right color, right style, and they fit. Unfortunately, I had to buy them in a bigger size than I’ve ever worn before. I feel your pain. I wish I could blame it on my baby, but I don’t think anyone would buy it. He’s turning 16 this week. ;-)

  • Tanna says:

    Not sure ’bout Good Omens, but the book was good!

    Hats off to you on your closet purge. I suppose now you can stock up on more 80s styles. Go make the folks on what not to wear proud!

  • Hope says:

    A good omen is any time I don’t have the ‘impending-doom-knot-in-the-stomach’ feeling. These moments rarely happen.
    I lost about 8 pounds since Memorial Day on the Special K diet – a bowl of that + fat free milk for breakfast, a small banana for a snack at about 10 AM, a Special K protein bar for lunch, 2 metamucil wafers for a PM snack (and to keep the old digestive system moving things along), and a normal dinner – normal for being on a diet that is, which means some lean protein (I eat chicken 4 – 5 times a week), a small salad w/very little dressing, and some veggies.
    Special K also makes waffles, crackers, and snack bars, and no, I’m not getting paid for writing this.
    I’ve been at a plateau for a few weeks, mostly due to the fact that I’ve been cheating – by eating Lean Cuisine for lunch!
    I don’t exercise – I believe that if God had wanted me to exercise, I would have been born into a Vietnamese rice farming family.

  • kbrients says:

    Good for you. I decided after hours of crying over the clothes that I did not fit into, to do the same thing. I still have a drawer of cute skinny clothes that I once in a while look at and remember the good old days.

    I then close the drawer and move on.

  • Mel says:

    I too found myself chunky after 2 kids so I joined Chub Club (my affectionate name for Weight Watchers) and am down 8 lbs in 4 weeks. Sista’ I could tell you all the low point goodies for days.
    You go & enjoy blogher. My friend has a quote that I adore “I may be fat but at least I’m intersting”

  • Eva says:

    I wish I had the guts to get rid of all the clothes I’ll never be small enough to wear again. Or, uh, for the first time.

  • Gforbes says:

    You are an amazing writer and I look forward to the time when I can pick up your book at the nearest store.

    You may blog to help yourself but you really are helping us out here in the Internet.

    Thank you.

  • amy d says:

    Ok, Please don’t hate me for my comment. I just know what works for me, so I’m sharing…what works….for me, in the hopes I can help even a smidgen.

    With that said, I am always the butt of the “skinny bitch” jokes. Ironically, I find this most insulting. I work REALLY hard to maintain my weight. That, compounded with a good diet works well for me. Now, truth be told, I was a super skinny kid. I attibute this to a high motabolism and a mom who was a personal trainer. We never had an exorbitant amount of junk food in the house and she did a really great job in teaching us how to eat healthy. This mentality transferred into adulthood and I don’t eat any sweets. This is somewhat easier for me to do b/c I’m a “salt” person. Give me french fries over chocolate any day! And I do eat french fries, and fried chicken, and all that yummy grease stuff, just not very often.

    Anyway, do I get the “DUH” award for most obvious advice? Don’t get discouraged…you will lose it! And hey, you’re still a sexy bitch;)

  • I didn’t realize BlogHer was this weekend. I’ll be in Chicago, but I’ll have the boys with me. :(

    You’re gonna be the belle of the ball, babe.

    The best omen for me is seeing a rainbow. Yeah, it’s a total cliche, but how often do you see them? Also, when you can see the rays of the sun coming down from the clouds.

  • Great job on the closet purge. I make myself do it every so often too. I’ve been fighting 20lbs since DS2 was born in 2004. I only gain baby related weight while pg & am my old weight within days of the birth but I put on weight while nursing. I gave myself 10 visits to a personal trainer for my birthday hoping to kick start my stagnant exercise routine.

    Have fun at BlogHer!

  • Lindsey says:

    Good omens? Every day that I don’t kill my husband or two dogs. I think that is a good omen.

    No but really, the best omen I can think of is that I found out I was pregnant on the due date of a baby that I miscarried. That was a good omen because Luisa is THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE!

  • Susan says:

    Aunt Becky just called me out as, “kinda pathetic, yo.” Cuz I try not to go anywhere BECAUSE I AM FAT. Seriously. I’m thinking that’s a bad omen and you were looking for good omens so I seriously fucked up the comments sections and shutting now. Really. I mean it this time.

  • Betts says:

    I’ve only got 8 to 10 lbs of unwanted weight, but they’re stubborn. My usual wieght loss methods aren’t working. I know I just have to get off my fat ass to get my fat ass off, but I’m all about the lazy. Anyway, I wouldn’t judge you ’cause you’re not able to wear sample sizes.

  • excavator says:

    I’ve been reading through my old journals. And I wonder what I could have accomplished with all the time and energy I spent on worrying about my weight.

    Anyone born without a metabolism that naturally results in a size 2 body has a sh*tload of baggage to carry.

    It’s so hard to swim upstream.

  • Kristine says:

    It took me a good 2 years to lose the baby weight from Landon…and I really think the breastfeeding had a lot to do with it sticking – Eff those people who say breastfeeding help you lose the weight – Breastfeeding just makes your ass hungry and then you eat more and more and more.

  • Ms. Moon says:

    I love your attitude! It’s all about the attitude!
    And listen- about the age- I did not START to feel my power and beauty and all that good stuff until I hit my thirties. So- the best is yet to come.

  • Melissa says:

    Ms. Moon nailed it. They don’t call it your “dirty thirties” for nothing, yo. ;)

  • Angellee says:

    Oh Aunt Becky!!! I gained wayyy to many frakin pounds with my little Blayne… like wicked much lbs. The alli didnt work? I had thought about trying that… Honestly as for the birds as it is… I take two fiber pills every day and drink a gallon of water. and I walk my kid and my dogs around town. it kinda? works? good luck derka!

  • “I should take up a Little Debbie Habit since I already look like I have one” is pretty much my philosophy on eating. Everything.

  • Lucy's mom says:

    So you mentioned you have a tendency to gain in your stomach. Here is what I’m thinking (per my own experience). I have a “popeye” body, always have. I have a long, skinnny torso and tree trunk limbs. I also have a genetic history that resulted in low weight gain with my two pregnancies (about 19 pounds with both). BUT… and this is a big deal to me… while I didn’t really show until my seventh month, my ankles and calves looked like I was trying to root to the spot I stood on. Yuck!

    I am willing to bet you have great legs and well defined arms (I am so jealous) and that what you need to do is go pick up some cute, short dresses that show off your attributes while minimizing your stomach. You are being waaay too hard on yourself and you need to know there are women like me who wish we could accentuate the positive of our limbs – those short skirts are so much more appealing than pants. Go back out shopping, take a friend and buy some clothes that show your stuff.

    And because I’m an old woman I have to say, looks aren’t anywhere near as important as heart and soul, which you clearly have. Go have a lot of fun in Chicago….

  • Fancy says:

    I’m really glad you did that for yourself, and accept yourself as is. As someone who seriously has used the too fat excuse to shun her life for the past few years, I will try to accept who I am. Thank you.

  • Laura says:

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’ve called in “fat” to so many events over the last year, it is positively ridiculous. Hooray that you’re moving in a positive direction. I’m beginning to realize that life is too short to let the little things matter.

  • SCY says:

    Purging my cupboards always makes me feel better. Have fun at Blogher :) (even with the extra stuff you’re carrying and I mean your business cards here ;) )

    xxx

  • Coco says:

    I think you’re absolutely gorgeous all the damn time, baby. And you’ve got it right, IMNSHO – buy clothes that fit and make you feel good NOW. Do good stuff for yourself. Don’t punish yourself because your body has changed.

    You rock. No matter what.

    I think you’ll have fun at BlogHer – I’m only depressed I’m not going because I would have gotten to hang out with you for reals. Yes! The ONLY reason I would consider going to any conference at all is to be with my darling Becks. So there. You’re awesome. Am I gushing? I am. But so what? You really are one of my favorite people.

  • Coco says:

    Oh, my good omens include finding cash in the dryer that I’d stuck in my pocket and forgotten, my cat NOT dying this week, and having 2 good hair days in a row.

    Also, unexpected rainstorms that power up the sky with lightning strikes.

  • Heather says:

    I totally need to follow your lead. I have several things in my closet that… um… yeah…. NEVER going to wear again. I just feel like such a failure getting rid of them… but I need to.

    Oh and I just stopped looking at the size. I’d have a friend go with me and just hand me a size and try it on. It depressed me too much.

  • Hey girl – Let’s get guts together. I’m sure there’s a Lane Bryant somewhere between you and me. (heh)

  • Whoa – I just found your blog, and you’re so … me! This post resonated (throughout my entire flubbery body) in such a profound way. I’ve been pregnant three times in five years; right now I’m fatly incubating my third son with less than two months to go. With each child, I have gained a MASSIVE amount of weight – 80 pounds with my first, 90 with my second, and 60 so far with this one. Ugh.

    But the similarities don’t end there! I am also 28, and this has also been the worst year of my life (ohhhh, by FAR).

    My name is Rita. We should be friends. :)

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  • Lisa says:

    I heart your blog. I got pregnant for my 27th birthday, so I know exactly what you are talking about. I gained 60 pounds too, and have dropped all but 15 pounds of it, which refuses to budge. I was a model of diet and exercise for a while after my son was born, and I remained 187 pounds for months, until suddenly my body decided it was okay to lose some weight again (just not TOO much, right, bod?)

    Not many people tell it like it is, especially when it comes to pregnancy and kids. So first time moms feel like failures because they want to behead their husbands and leave their baby with the first passing maternal-looking person and run away into the mountains forever. Except that’s the way that everybody feels. Except for a choice few who really are “suffused with joy.” And they can pretty much bite me, right ladies?

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