Alternately, why I should have no access to friends or instant messaging technology.

Aunt Becky: “OHMYGOD, I need your help!!”

Dad Gone Mad: “Okay, what’s wrong?”

Aunt Becky: “I have been up since Sunday and I can barely concentrate and I don’t know who else to ask because no one else will talk to me anymore because there’s this song, right?”

Dad Gone Mad: “A song…”

Aunt Becky: “YES! That Elton John song, “Levon,” and he goes, ‘he shall be-LEVON.'”

Dad Gone Mad: “……”

Aunt Becky: “I DON’T GET IT.”

Dad Gone Mad: “I think it’s a double entendre. You know, ‘he shall believe on.'”

Aunt Becky: “….”

Aunt Becky: “I see…Dude, I’m not sure I’m any happier knowing that.”

Dad Gone Mad: “But what can you really expect from some douchebag who sells cartoon balloons?”

Aunt Becky: “OR calls his child Jesus. Let’s be honest: that name has KINDA been taken.”

Dad Gone Mad: “And when was the last time the New York Times said “God is dead”? That’s just a filthy lie.”

Aunt Becky: “I’m pretty illiterate, dude, so I don’t read the paper. My next question is this, who names their child that? Really? Levon. I don’t know anyone named Levon. I pretty much know everyone, everywhere. I think it’s a conspiracy, Danny.”

Dad Gone Mad: “You’re pretty fucking weird, dude.”

Aunt Becky: “Just be glad that you don’t live with me.”

Comments

comments

74 thoughts on “The Gentle Art Of Making Enemies

  1. YOU GET TO IM DGM?!?

    I can’t even convince him to read my blog, let alone comment on it, and YOU have his personal one on one attention?

    It’s because you showed him your boobs, isn’t it?

      1. From Wikipedia: On May 1, 1998, Thurman married actor Ethan Hawke, whom she met on the set of Gattaca. Hawke’s novel Ash Wednesday is dedicated to “Karuna”, Thurman’s middle name. Thurman acknowledged that they had married because she was pregnant – seven months at their wedding.[43] The marriage produced two children, daughter Maya Ray Thurman-Hawke (b. July 8, 1998) and son Levon Roan Thurman-Hawke (b. January 15, 2002).

        So very wrong.

  2. It’s a good rule of thumb to never try to make sense of lyrics written in the 60’s. That said, is “Crocodile Rock” about having sex with someone who has dentures? I’ve always wondered.

  3. Levon Helm. The Band. Sheesh. I have no idea if that’s who Elton John was talking about, that’s your brain that gets stuck on that song. But Levon? Totally popular for a certain set of people with body-armor referencing surnames like “Helm.”

    Now, “Tiny Dancer” on the other hand, is sticky. (I can’t believe I wrote that.) “Hold me close now, Tony Danza. Count the headlamps on the sidewalk. I heard the president is gay.”

    1. Oh I am so glad someone posted that, I love those lyrics .. hold me close now Tony Danza! I am killin myself laughing as I sing it in my head.

      1. Maybe they thought they were feminizing the name Chandler. Which is totally like FEMININE. But they were thinking of Friends.

        I work with a guy who’s first name is Phuk Yon Hong, so obviously he wanted to get an americanized alias. What does he pick? SKIPPY!!

        1. HAH – the funniest part is that he has this HEAVY HEAVY duty southern drawl (he is from Atlanta). Nothing about his name or voice match. He is totally American. I think maybe he may have thought that if he was going to have a really funny name anyway, he may as well make it good. I have never met a southern Skippy. Northeastern yes, but they are totally serious about their name.

          I was at an uppity wedding of one of my cousins and one of his ushers was called Skippy. He was totally offended when I laughed when introduced to him. Apparently it is not a funny name if you are in the Thurston Howell crowd. I seriously thought he was joking.

          That was right before I pulled a Tom Hanks from the movie Big when trying Beluga for the first time and was chugging champange and wiping my tongue off with a napkin to get the taste off. God PLEASE GET THAT TASTE OUT OF MY MOUTH.. (ironically, I DO swallow and it doesnt bother me)

          Not too many people in corporate feel comfortable saying phuk yon hong. Hey Phuk! (not sure they pronouce the ph the way we do in Taiwan, but am also sure he had fun with it)

      2. My mom worked in the medical field and saw a patient named Shanda Leer. I guess if you can’t make it happen with one name, used both to create a dumb word. My favorite was a friend of my aunt’s whose name was Aliki (pronounced AhLEEKee) who named a man by the last name of Tiddy. Yeah. I would have kept my maide name for sure.

  4. I just left a spring market event at our local civic center and here’s another tip for making enemies.
    When people try to sell you their craptastic trays that are wonderful for parties you can respond as I did, “Oh no thanks, I don’t need trays. I don’t have parties. I don’t like enough people to have a party and serve them food and shit.”
    Poor little man couldn’t even say anything.

  5. Why do people name their kids such fucked up things? If they want to be different, they could put their kids in tye-die, or gangsta clothes, or baby polo or whatever…but a name is something you have forever, unless you pay to change it. Can you imagine how awful it is to have a one of those made up goofy names? School would be a nightmare!

  6. For the record, I just checked the New York Times, and God, while extremely disappointed with the Catholic Church, is not, in fact, dead (though He/She may be on Spring Break). So much for “Levon.”

    FYI, the technical term for what you describe, Becky, is an ear worm. (Seriously, what did we do before Urban Dictionary?) If you ever saw “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan” or the latest “Star Trek” movie, you know, where the evil guy puts that thing in the good guy’s ear and it drives him mad? That’s it.

    Fortunately, I believe “Levon” is slightly easier to get rid of, and I have yet to hear an account of anyone being driven mad by that particular song, though for some reason hearing James Taylor sing anything makes me want to hurt puppies, and I love puppies.

    Slightly O/T, after seeing Lady Gaga perform with Sir Elton at the Grammy’s and then seeing her video for “Telephone,” I am convinced Lady Gaga is the musical love child of Madonna and Elton John. (Now if someone could only explain the meaning of that “Telephone” video…)

    1. That Telephone video is my next topic. I cannot begin to understand it.

      Although I was glad to know that she does not, in fact, have a penis. I really, really thought that she did.

      1. Dude, I would like to think of myself as pretty progressive, but damn!!!! That video! Holy shiznizzles! Was anyone else completely flabbergasted? Pretty much the only thing I remember about it was the crotch rubbing scene in the yard and I thought to myself, thank the gravy that my children are too young to watch and understand this stuff, and then I thought….FUCK, if this is out NOW, what the HELL will be out when my children ARE old enough to understand……what is the world coming tooooooooooo???????? Tell me I’m not the only one….please, tell me that.

  7. Totally O/T…but Chandelier? Seriously? Hey…could be Le-a. No, not pronounced “Leah,” like you’d think.

    But “ladasha”

    Don’t know if it’s valid or not, but it’s funny as hell!

  8. I generally dislike any song that requires too much thinking or knowledge of pop culture, past or present. I think all lyrics should be straightforward, like “The Thong Song” or “My Humps.”

    The exception being Tori Amos. I don’t understand *anything* that woman sings, but it rocks my world.

  9. Back to the names…my grandmother taught twin boys…Orangejello and Lemonjello. Get fancy with the pronunciation and it’s no longer crap in your cabinets…it’s a name folks! Also, I once taught LaPoochie. I kid you not. However, it was pronounced LaPorshe. He said he was named after the car. W.T.F?!?

  10. Yeah, I always thought it was “he shall believe on” too. That’s all I got today. So flippin tired I can barely see. Therefore, will shut up now. πŸ™‚

  11. Didn’t some idiot celebrity name a child Levon recently?

    I hate that song. If it weren’t for Elton John’s prodgious body of great music, I would shoot him just for recording it.

  12. Meh, that one didn’t bother me. Levon Helm from The Band (The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down). As Forest Gump would say, it’s a household word. What REALLY bothers me about Elton John is Someone Save My Life Tonight Sugar Bear. And everything about Philadelphia Freedom. And Crockodile Rock. And for the love of fucking god, dude, how many times are you gonna remake Candle In The Wind? What, everything that rhymes with Norma Jean is gonna be a song now? “Goodbye Pork and Beans.” “Goodbye Torn Blue Jeans.” “Goodbye Harry Reams.”
    Amorina and Madman Across the Water did not give you permission to piss all over Pinball Wizard.

  13. Until I scrolled back and saw that ‘Dad Gone Mad’ had a link the first time it was written, I thought you were having this conversation with your actual father. I was about to write, “Why are you talking to your dad on Instant Messenger and calling each other ‘dude’?”

    1. β€œWhy are you talking to your dad on Instant Messenger and calling each other β€˜dude’?”

      I went from Elton John to a line from a Cake song…maybe not enough coffee yet…

  14. Elton John’s songs are generally either really great or really terrible.

    I knew a kid named Jack Daniels.
    And when I was in the hospital with monkey, the woman I shared a room with named her newborn baby Winter – which is okay except that their last name was Snow. I mean, come on.

  15. Okay, I felt compelled to look up the name:

    **The name Levon has the following meaning:

    Combined in harmony. In the Old Testament, Levi was the third son of Jacob. His descendants, the Levites, were the priests of Israel.**

    I don’t get how they turned Levi into Levon, but Whatever. I have known someone named Levi, and he made me think of jeans.

    Also, I always assumed the simpler meaning of the song in that he was just saying, “He shall be [called] Levon, and he shall be a good man.” Of course, I also sucked royally at reading between the lines in Shakespeare plays. I’m a face value kind of gal, I guess.

  16. I actually have a friend name Levion, named after the song but the nurse couldn’t spell on the birth certificate.

  17. I heard that song the other day and laughed my ass off.

    I have been eating so much Mexican food this pregnancy that we are certain this little boy is going to come out wearing a sombrero. So, in that taste (poor), we have decided his name will be Jesus. People will oo and ahh over little Jesus, which they will pronounce assumptively, HayZeus.

    I will turn to them and sternly advise them, his name is Jesus. Not Hayzeus.

    See, this makes my husband and I laugh until we cry just about every time we tell it.

  18. I am lost, I don’t know what’s wrong with the name Levon, but I’ll take your word for it that that there’s something ….

    My favorite nephew is Levi (am I allowed to choose favorites? too bad!) and I wasn’t a fan of the name at all. Still not really. But I love my little man, it doesn’t matter that his mom gave him an odd name. She has 4 sons under the age of 13 so I’d forgive her for almost anything she did.

  19. I actually do know someone who name their son Levon. Levon Beck. He’s wandering around Hellinois not too far from St. Louis.

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