Yesterday, I was standing at the sink, using my new reverse osmosis water system, giving my orchids a drink and silently going over the vertebrae subtypes (“Certain Doctors Love Saddling Coeds”), trying desperately to get the Facts of Life theme song out of my head, when he laid it on me.
“Mom,” my eldest asked. “What’s a ‘sexual favors?'”
Had I been drinking anything, it would have ended up on the window in front of me.
After I stopped choking on my tongue, I carefully said, “What do you mean?”
“In a Mario video, they said, ‘Why does everyone try to rescue the Princess?’ and then Bowser says, ‘Sexual favors, of course.'”
I silently thanked autism for giving him the inability to read my face, because if he had, it would have said, “OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT.”
“Well,” I said, the cranial nerves long-forgotten, “it means like, kissing and stuffs.”
“EWWWWWWWWWW!” he yelled. “GROSS.”
He scampered off to play with his siblings and I returned to watering my orchids. I stood for a minute, watching him before I sang under my breath, “You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have, the Facts of Life, the Facts of Life.“