I’ve been joking that “purple should be a flavor, dammit,” for as long as I can remember. I probably got the idea from somewhere else, I can’t be certain.
I used to have a blog theme with a changeable tagline, probably intended for people to say things like, “Mommy Wants Vodka: The Best Gosh-Darn Blog Ever,” but I’d change mine to say things like “Mommy Wants Vodka: Now THAT’S Fucked Up,” and then, “Mommy Wants Vodka: Encased Meats Are The Two Finest Words In The English Language Besides ‘Hooray Beer’,” because I am classy and that is what classy people do.
Someone recently said that “her name tastes like purple” because she’s got Synethsesia, a neurological condition wherein the activation of one sensory stimulation automatically evokes stimulation from a second sensory pathway. Basically, using one sense (touch, taste, hearing, smell, sight) stimulates another sense. My Metal Head friend Scottie once, while very, very intoxicated, informed me that he could see the music coming from the speakers.
So, there you have it.
It’s kind of a neat way of looking at things, although, of course, I don’t have it. I just like to put together words in unusual ways. When I’m not here, I write groups of essays that I will one day put into a larger collection. A “book,” if I may. And watch dancing cactus videos.
Fucking love dancing cacti.
Today, Pranksters, I’m off to the Chicago Auto Show, probably annoying The Twitter with tweets like, “Wonder if I can steal a fucking car and run these assholes OVER,” because, well, obviously.
And I’m offering you a chance at immortality.
My friend Jimmy, who makes tea, (it’s his hilarious ad on the sidebar) and sent me a story to cheer me up yesterday about how he was once beaten up by a gang of Jewish guys dressed up as the Pope, wants to do something for you. I laughed, of course, because I knew it was probably true.
So anyway, now that I’ve explained what an asshole *I* am because I laughed at my friend who had been hurt by a group of Jewish thugs dressed as the Pope, here’s your shot at immortality, Pranksters.
He wants you to describe your perfect tea blend. Maybe it’s a green tea with rose. Or maybe they want unicorn blood and the tears of angels. Either way, for the randomly selected winner, I’ll do my best to create the blend and then I’ll even put a photo of themselves on the tea created.
Your own tea blend WITH A PICTURE OF YOU. You could probably make him put a picture of whatever. I mean, the ad picture is Mr. Sprinkles, my fake dead cat.
(oh, and he gave you all a free shipping code: ShutYourWhoreMouth )
Mine might look like this, for example:
Because I’m still laughing at it.
(modeling agencies, CALL ME)
So, HAVE AT IT, PRANKSTERS. You can be IMMORTAL.
P.S. Make him work.
P.P.S. Modeling agencies, CALL ME.
P.P.P.S. I cannot wait to see what you come up with.