Pranksters,

Meet Mark Zuckerberg:

He’s dating The Bloggesses Beyonce.

He’s also the culmination of approximately 291,727 years of work on my house.

Some people, they get stressed and eat a cake. Others drink a bottle of wine. Still others go on mad shopping sprees until they’ve amassed a houseful of garbage and appear on Hoarders so that I may watch and then go clean my house obsessively.

When my kids were little and I got stressed, I’d vacuum. My formerly white carpets were spotless* whenever I had a particularly bad week (read: year). They were too small for me to bundle up and take out back so I could do what I really wanted: to get into my garden.

I know there are babies out there (reportedly) who sit in things like “strollers” and “hang out calmly,” but I’m telling you Pranksters, THOSE BABIES WERE NOT MINE. I got more snide comments from people – “well, I didn’t GIVE my child the option to NOT ride in the stroller,” during those years. I never responded with – but should’ve – “wanna give it a shot with them? How far can you take ‘em before DCFS gets called due to reports of child abuse?”

I’ve owned three strollers. One was a shitty Graco stroller that made an uncanny clicking noise when we walked. Ben – as a baby – screamed whenever he got near it**. The second was an umbrella stroller I could occasionally coax my then-five year old son Ben into. The third was the Cadillac of Strollers (some overpriced Bumbleride), which I bought for Alex. That fucker is still sitting in my garage like an albatross, reminding me that I could’ve WAITED to see if my child would actually allow me to put him down.

(answer: no. Not ever)

Anyway, when they were small, gardening went like this:

Aunt Becky: “I’m going outside to garden.”

Daver: “Can you take the kids?”

Aunt Becky: “No, I’m working in thorny roses.”

Daver: “Okay.”

Then the kids would stand sadly at the window, like a pile of weeping puppies, pointing at me until I let them outside.

I got nothing done unless it was naptime or bedtime (for babies).

That’s a fucking shame: the previous occupants of my home had let the landscaping done by the previous PREVIOUS occupants go to shit – the house was shrouded in bushes. My house, overgrown with bushes, looked remarkably like a serial killer lived here.

This was AFTER I’d removed a couple of bushes.

Turns out the seventies bush wasn’t just for pubic hair.

I was super embarrassed. Like, you can only claim, “it’s from the previous occupants” for so long before people start rolling their eyes.

So my front yard was full of bushes. My backyard was full of patchy grass and fake flowers.

Yes. Those are fake flowers. In the middle of February. It took a long fucking time to get rid of all that shit.

Luckily, I have. My house, while still a horrifying shade of yellow (the insurance quote only noted hail damage on TWO of the four sides = fuckers), is finally becoming something I’m not entirely horrified to show off.

I planted a rose garden. The gutter guy totally knocked one over and I am thinking about paying him a “visit” with my “shovel.”

I planted more roses. And gardened in a swim suit.

(don’t judge – I had the stomach flu)

So thank YOU, to the stress of the last few months, for allowing me to whip my yard into shape.

I think it’s time for a Prankster-Only Encased Meat Festival. Who wants in?

*yet still dingy – I need new carpeting. Terribly.

**He also, I should report, screamed when the sun shifted to a forty-five degree angle, any time anyone said the word, “the” and from 4-10PM on every day that ended in “day.”

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

20 Responses to The 70’s Bush Wasn’t Just About Pubic Hair, Pranksters

  • Hope says:

    Oh, laws-a-mercy, I love the photo of you in the bathing suit with the chainsaw. Okay, not a chain saw. A power pruner of some sort. Almost inspires me to help my husband with the giant pile of mulch in the driveway. Ooops, too late. He already finished with it. I’ll go pat it down around the weedlets.

  • chrisinphx says:

    Any possibilities of getting a shot of you in a wedding dress on a riding lawn mower? That really seems like the only way to follow up with bathing suit/chainsaw shot. And I love that you’ve trimed the bush….es.

  • Mayor Gia says:

    Oof! Stress isn’t fun but YAY for productivity instead of stuffing your face when you’re stressed which is what SOME people do or so I hear…. :x

  • Erin says:

    Encased meat?? WHEN? Will you be calling it Sausage Fest? I would like to RSVP right now, whenever it is please!

  • red says:

    You are gorgeous and a fabulous gardener! Personally, I kill green things. Also, I would never think to judge someone else’s garden/lawn. Are you saying people are probably judging mine? Because the tenant before me was awesome at it, but I’ve totally let everything run down.

    …well it’s not all me. A nasty winter storm killed the yucca.

  • Grace says:

    Count me in for encased meats!! I wanna be part of the fun!

    Meanwhile, I LOVE that peacock!! My new MIL’s mom had one just like it at her house when we went there for the open house, and I fell in love. But I figured that would be a bad time to try to steal it and take it home with me.

  • Coleen says:

    You should totally sell the stroller on Craig’s List (Not Just for Serial Killers!) and use the money to buy more garden stuff. Or encased meats. OR A BOUNCY CASTLE!

    I have yard envy. I still rent and our “yard” is concrete

  • cynthia says:

    I think Beyonce is (or was) male but nobody is very careful about their pronouns around him/her. In any case, love is love. Whether it’s a boy metal bird and girl metal bird, or two boy metal birds, or two girl metal birds…. I am open minded.

  • This is kind of making me laugh AND cry because my kids, including baby, are so clingy that I cannot get anything done EVER right now. And it’s looking like it’s going to be another 2 years before that changes.

    Thank God the landlord just put little pebbles all over everything outside. Guess she saw us coming.

  • Kim@Amommaly says:

    On the heels of a little thing they call “spring break” and all 3 of my children being here instead of learning great stuff at school, (which resulted in my getting a scratchy throat and seeing lots of floating white spots a few times) I can COMPLETELY relate to getting things NOT done with kids who wish they were back in the womb, or kids who wish they could officially ruin your life ( mine being the latter)…

    On another note, LOVE those little lanterns hanging from the tree…:)

  • Cindy DuBois says:

    I like your yellow house. Yellow houses mean sunshine. I’m sure there are cold days in Chicago that you are happy to have sunshine. :)

  • Teala says:

    I’m totally down for that!

  • Alison Bohn says:

    I have that same peacock greeting anyone who comes up my front sidewalk. His name is Francisco.

    I also have children who do not sit nicely whilst I do things. Right there with ya.

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    I’m slowly, oh so slowly, working on our yard too. The grass SUCKS…more weeds than grass. It’s horribly hilly and bumpy (lots of trees lost to a hurricane years ago and no proper landscaping done afterward). But, I’ve planted two fabulous sycamore trees that have doubled their height in 4 years. I just put in a dogwood. And, hopefully by next year, my lilac bushes (currently 1 upright stick with a few leaves) will be big enough to plant and not then be run over by the lawn mower.

    I desperately need to know where you got Mark Zuckerberg. I could get one, no I’ll get two and they can be the Winklevoss twins.

  • 'cuz I'm the mommy says:

    Interestingly, gardening was my outlet for the first few years of my bean’s life, the result being several pictures of him in a diaper with a pot of dirt clutched in his chubby arms, face covered with drool (teething) and dirt (Hey, I’m a good cook, at least when it comes to my potting mix)

  • Marta says:

    Can you come and do my garden? Its like 10 times the size of yours and has lots of weeds, and little grass. Its currently home to two ill behaved dogs and some moles.

  • Mrs. One Day says:

    It’s coming together nicely! And you look beautiful gardening in that fabulous bathing suit.

  • hthrm says:

    If only i lived closer i’d totally be there for the encased meat fest…. i envy your yellow house. it’s what i really really want instead of this gawdawful beige we have….

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