Because Pottery Barn is an asshole and I cannot possibly resist their tempting overpriced wares, every time they come out with their Halloween Issue, I tear into it like it’s a brand new issue of Maxim magazine. Eagerly, I examine the overpriced costumes and figure out which ones my kids MIGHT allow me to dress their very particular bodies in before the inevitable day when they say, “Mom, I want to be a ghost” and beg for a simple sheet.

This year, I managed to grab the magazine as I was headed out with Alex, who was highly INTERESTED in what I was looking at.

I’ve been TRYING to get one of my children to be the Land Shark for years, and no, every year they deny me. Which means that I need a costume party to be the Land Shark and be all ‘CANDYGRAM’ and then no one will laugh but me, but I will laugh enough for everyone else.

Well, anyway, I’m in the car with Alex and I’m all, “you could be popcorn! or rootbeer! or a carton of milk!”

And Alex, my miniature clone, said, simply, emphatically, with his mind made up, “No.”

Perhaps he is paying me back for these costumes.

The Halloweenier.

Or this:

The Hedgehog of DOOOOOOM.

Because he said, “I’m going to be a beautiful butterfly. But be careful, Mom, don’t step on my wings!”

The butterfly costume is this, Pranksters:

Pottery Barn, you win again. My son will be the most beautiful, manly butterfly in a dress, ever.

And I will never, ever stop hearing the end of it from his father, grandfather, my brother and every other male he comes into contact with. But I don’t fucking care. If my kid wants to be a beautiful butterfly, he can be a beautiful fracking butterfly.

I just might buy him some wee combat boots to go along with it. And maybe a spike collar. He will be the most beautiful butterfly on the block.

And I will punch anyone who looks at him funny. Because it’s a MANLY TUTU and he’s just a little boy who likes butterflies and flowers and light and for GOD’S SAKE his first word was PENIS and he can throw a ball better than most 20-year old’s I know, and really, Alex is composed primarily of sweetness and light and snips and snails and puppy dog tails and I have never met anyone more wholly good than him.

So yes. A butterfly. My son, Mister Butterfly. Spike The Butterfly.

Sounds kinda manly.


123 thoughts on “That’s *ahem* MISTER Butterfly To You

  1. Yeah Aunt Becky! Strike down those gender norms! He will be a manly, beautiful butterfly and it’ll be awesome. My daughter has decided to be a doctor, so I must find scrubs in size 2t.

  2. Honey, you are not alone! We haven’t had the discussion about what to be this Halloween yet, but I’m sure that my son would be RIGHT THERE with yours, in full-on butterfly regalia… and my son’s would be by-God PINK! I don’t worry, though, and neither does his Dad (although he cringes sometimes when son says in public that his fave color is pink), because our boy will tell you FAST that “girls are for kissing!”

  3. Butterflies are awesome. Anybody who doesn’t know that isn’t worthy of sending their opinions out into the universe anyway.

      1. We are so damn smart. and DEXTER? OMG I’m so going to gencon. what the hell is it? do they have drinks? i’m THERE baby! Dude would not know where to START with us, but I believe we could handle him.

  4. Granted I know next to nothing about the reproductive process of butterflies, but assuming they are *not* asexual, there must be male butterflies. And, I suspect, they are like birds and the most colorful and beautiful ones are indeed males.

    So yes, being a beautiful butterfly is indeed very manly. Go Alex. You rock.

    And that hot dog costume? AWESOME!

  5. Land Shark? The best costume idea ever.

    When my son was around 3, we bought him a plastic shark’s head on a stick from the zoo. It had a trigger at the base which opened and closed the mouth. Pretty funny when he’d hide it behind his back, walk up to unsuspecting visitors, and say “Candygram! Flowers!” and then chomp them.

    1. THANK YOU! Best response ever.


      That was a lot of caps. I feel a lot of rage. And also I only buy my son girl’s pajamas because I am scared of sharks.

  6. Well, I LOVE the Hallowiener costume! That’s adorable! Maybe he could be the butterfly without the tutu? Does it come in other colors? It really is sweet and there must be boy butterlies too! Do they have any caterpillar costumes? He could be in the pre-butterly stage. Anyway, those are really very cute costumes.

  7. Don’t worry, Aunt Becky. At least he doesn’t go around telling people he’s a girl. My friend’s son will protest to his last breath that he is a GIRL, damn it.

  8. Does it come in green or blue?

    I think a spiked collar & combat boots will go a long way with the pink costume. Maybe get him a fake green mohawk wig to wear with it? And some fake piercings?

    Punk rock butterfly. Full of the awesome

  9. Someday when your son is all grown a woman will compliment him on how secure he is with his masculinity. How awesome it is that he will dress up like Princess Lei for her yet totally man up when it’s time to change her tire. Oh yes..they will, and he will be sought after. And he can thank you for it!

  10. I have a set of monarch wings from halloween years ago. My kids all still play with it years later. It kinda flops over now, but can’t get rid of the thing. Maybe he’ll opt for a monarch? They are orange and black after all. πŸ˜‰ When my kids wore it (and they all did), I just used black sweatpants and sweatshirt. What would really set a butterfly costume off is attaching the long straw-like tongue to it. Now THAT would be cool. Then it could be like a super hero!

  11. I think it’s great! When Alice was that age she wanted to be the “Gwim Weapuh.” I only said no because I didn’t think I could find a small enough sickle. She wound up being what we dubbed the drag queen dinosaur. Hot pink body with a turquoise sequined belly. It was great. This year she wants to be the solar system.

    1. Ben wanted to be Jupiter one year but settled on a very realistic astronaut. Oh, check Pottery Barn Kids. They have a kick ass airplane costume for Katy (not quite the solar system, but it looks like a rocket).

    1. I would LOVE for ONE of my kids to want to be a princess. I think Amelia wants to be a mermaid. Because the mermaid is standing next to the butterfly. It’s hard to tell with her.

  12. first, I would TOTALLY laugh if you were the land shark saying mmmmm candygrammm. I would respond: ooooh nooooo! mr billllll! (see? I have 13 years on you.

    second, I was going to give you a break from my comments and then you do THIS.

    Last week, Thursday to be precise, my manly alphamale son went to the park with his (instigating) sisters and dad with a full mani/pedi (think it was yours) in a lovely blue sundress. I was not napping with the blankets pulled up over my head in a heatwave to avoid making comments as they left. Proud papa who can put his money where his mouth is and not judge (himself or his lovely progeny).

    OF COURSE then he calls from the park and asks if I can switch gears from the dinner I am producing to whip up a picnic because all of the girls okay r) classmates are picnicking and they want to join in. When I arrive the moms are all, like, “Oh, that is SO YOU to send your boy to the park in a dress, HILARIOUS.” when really it is a lot harder to do that than to say you would … in theory. I’m gooood with it, no reeeeeeaaaaaallllllly … I wanna be good with it … but my teeth hurt.

    the end.

    Oh, and your boy will make a fantastic butterfly. I would put mine in a butterfly costume to, if that was his heart’s desire.

  13. When my son Alex was three, his favorite color was pink and his favorite show was Dora. I was a little concerned. Not enough to ban Dora, but still…Now that he’s eight, his favorite color is green or camouflage and his favorite thing is guns and pretending to shoot bad guys/aliens/his sister.

  14. My three year old son insists on wearing a princess dress for a few hours a day, but forces me to tell him he looks handsome instead of pretty, because, hello, Mom, only GIRLS are pretty. I say let the kid be a butterfly, take lots of pics, and use them as blackmail when he’s in highschool. Every good mom gathers dirt on her kids that she can bring forth during their teen years. I think this is in the Bible.

  15. Awesome butterfly costume! I love it. And, yes, he will rock it! We want pix!
    Thanks also for reminding me that I don’t have to drool over Pottery Barn catalogues any more as I am no longer in the states.
    I am so not going to go look at PB online now.

  16. I don’t know why, but I, too, am obsessed with the pottery barn halloween catalog. I recycle all the other ones immediately, but those costumes get me every time!

  17. You are a badass mom. That’s all I have to say about it.

    When I worked in a daycare, I got a yelling lecture from a dad who came in to find his two-year-old son playing in “Housekeeping” and wearing a set of heels.

    Whatever, DoucheDad.

  18. It’s ok if he wants to be a butterfly. My DD is always making fun of my DS b/c he wants to do girly things. She started collecting beads and making bead bracelets and he saw that and wanted to make some too. It looked fun FFS he is just 9 and wants to make some god dayum beads. Jeebus fucking Krist. That doesn’t make him sweet in the pants but DD looks at him sideways if he starts singing the ICarly theme song. She is convinced he is going to grow up to bat for the other team. Fuck that! If he does he does but I am not going to make him feel bad about it at 9 years old. I say GO FOR IT butterfly boy!!

  19. I say go for it! My son was a whoopee cushion for his first Halloween, so there’s nothing wrong with being a butterfly. Though I might suggest a home-made costume instead.

  20. Excellent – good for him (and for you). I remember being able to dress my oldest girl up as the catepillar from A Bug’s Life – now, it’s all vampires and shit. And I am looking forward to the little peanut being, well, maybe a little peanut for Halloween.

    Hopefully the little guy will always march to his own drum – how cool would that be?


  21. Dude, totally let him be the bestest butterfly ever: who cares if it isn’t manly? Isn’t his self-worth and belief that he can be whatever he wants to be in life more important? I know you know the answer is yes, so I say do it.

  22. I bet that’s obnoxiously expensive. I say, if Alex wants to be a butterfly, then a butterfly he should be. It will be far too soon when the other kids make him feel self-conscious about his choices, so let him enjoy them while he may.

  23. Oh, Alex is so full of the AWESOME. Now don’t you step on his wings, or you’ll have to answer to Auntie Dora.

    BTW, do you know where I can find a Land Shark costume to fit an 11 month old? (OMG! My girl will be 11 months old for Halloween. Practically leaving the nest!)

  24. LOVE it. He’ll make the most awesome manly butterfly ever.

    And…I have a friend from college who IS the Land Shark. After…um, many years, too many…I’m getting old…anyhow, all we need to say is “Candygram” on the other end of the line, email, tweet, etc and we know it is the other. Simply awesome.

  25. The Halloweenier really is made of awesome. Also, my two year old son is attracted to pink things the way moths are to light. Oh well, I say, he’s still the bestest kid in the universe.

  26. Got the link on Twitter. I love you Aunt Becky! When my son was 3 he loved to wear high heels. “Grandma, can I wear your ‘clapping shoes’? His favorite toy was Barbie Dolls. We were criticized. “Why do they let him do that?” BECAUSE IT MAKES HIM HAPPY. It was, and is, his personality. Now, at 34, he’s a BADASS architect.

    1. I will allow NO ONE to rip apart his costume in front of him. If the kid wants to be a beautiful butterfly, HE CAN BE ONE BECAUSE (like you said) IT MAKES HIM HAPPY.

      If only such things made US happy, right? Your son must be AMAZING. Just like mine.

      SO glad to know you.

    2. Oh yeah. My little one also loves shoes. Especially Mommy’s – he does a better job walking in high heels than his Mommy or his 12-year-old sister. It’s hilarious, and he enjoys it, so I agree: leave him (me) alone!

  27. Heimlich- the caterpillar on Bugs Life is a male. In the end he grows these tiny wings to his huge green body. He yells “I am a beautiful butterfly” in his cute german male voice.

  28. I love the landshark idea too. For the longest time I tried to get my kids to dress up like Donald Trump, a Trump Chef and Trump cocktail waitress. My husband worked at the Taj at the time, my older son was fascinated by “the Donald” and I had a Taj Chef costume already.

    Damn kids never want to f*cking cooperate!
    I am sure your son will be a very masculine butterfly. Good for him!

    1. BWAHAHAHAHA! That would be BRILLIANCE. I’d DIE to see those pictures, dude! We could photoshop your kids into those pictures and PRETEND that’s what they were for Halloween. Why not, right?

  29. I wouldn’t mess with Mr. Butterfly. I hear he bashes his head into walls and stuff. No girly, sissy butterflies would do stuff like that!

    I think that I have Mea convinced to be Minne Mouse this year. I think I can make her little afro puff piggie tails into Minnie Mouse’s ears. Too cute!

  30. you and alex go on with your awesome selves. If they make it passed you, send em my way and I can try to finish them off, please post pics-now I am excited for Halloween, and ps-love the wiener costume, which reminds me of something funny that will hopefully make you laugh as you always seem to make me laugh… me and the man are walking our dogs yesterday and it is really hot here. We come up to these two asian gals who obviously do not speak very good english, and they could not remember the name for ‘hot dog’ so they said ‘he he eh look at the wieners’ hahahhahah sorry I hope you find that as funny as I did!

  31. He’ll be an awesome butterly! My 2.5yr old son has just started liking pink too. His dad is fine with it – it’s all the other males in the family that are freaking out. So I tell them, would you prefer he wear pink now and get it out of his system (he has a short attention span – i’m betting it’ll last a few weeks), or would you rather he become obsessed with it if we ban it and he’s wearing pink in his teens and twenties? That usually shuts them up. His favourite toys are trucks, fire engines and trains anyway – he completely ignores the lovely pink baby doll in a pink pram I got him a year ago!

  32. I love Pottery Barn. Love it.

    And I have a party every year just so my husband and I can match. Last year we were Wayne and Garth. This year we are being the Wizard of Oz family. I will be the Wicked Witch (of course) and he will be the Scarecrow(because sometimes I doubt he has a brain). The kids will be Dorothy, the Tin Man, and the Lion. And we will skip to every house. Skipping and holding hands and singing songs. I pretty much have it all worked out.

  33. I freaking love this post and I love you for letting your son be what he wants and who he wants and everyone else can suck my…
    Sorry. Got a little carried away there.
    But you know what I mean.

  34. Didn’t he rock a tee shirt with cupcakes on it? He’s totally secure and bucking gender stereotypes. He’s a pioneer! Ya know, without the animal skin hat. Because that’s gross.

  35. I would totally laugh at the CandyGram Landshark πŸ˜‰ At three, my daughter was Diego for Halloween, no, not Dora, Diego! And that was fine by me, slick her hair back and put on some cargo pants, whatever floats your boat kid!

  36. The Halloweener costume made coffee come out my nose.
    You just need to wear your Shut Your Whore Mouth shirt so people know you and Alex don’t give a shit what they think. I bet he will be the best damn butterfuly on the block.

  37. While I’m all for bucking the gender norms (seriously I told everyone not to buy anything pink for my daughter), I would only slightly cringe at how much he’d hate me years later for letting him wear that and having the 7 million pictures all over the world to remind him of it. Butterflies are not inherently feminine, but pink tutus are. I would just ask him how he would like to be the most beautiful butterfly of all, the Blue Morpho- it really is magnificent. And the punk butterfly idea just kicks ass. Very cool.

  38. That is 110% awesome and he can be a frickin butterfly if he wants to be. He’s a little boy and I think its darling!

    And either way it will make for amazing blackmail pictures you can use to embarrass the hell outta him with when he’s 16. πŸ˜€

  39. Way to stand up for who you are, Alex! My daughter (who is 2, and I’ll admit that she owns a lot of shirts with flowers on them, but that’s as hard as I’ve pushed the “girly” thing) is full on into being beautiful right now. She wanders around the house with her pink wand, telling everyone that she’s a beautiful princess. But what really cracks me up is that her favorite “beautiful” outfit is a tutu pulled up into her armpits, and perhaps a pair of pants. THat’s all. I highly encourage being beautiful on your own terms!

  40. Before I could comment, I had to go and watch that SNL skit again (thank you Spike). Too funny.

    I think that it is awesome that Alex wants to be a butterfly. My own Alex rocked heels, a wedding dress and nailpolish in his day. Sadly, 12 year olds are more self conscious. You must go door to door with him for this one!

  41. When you ask my 6 year old brother what he wants for any birthday/Christmas etc., the answer has always been “a rainbow”. He is so infatuated with colors and music, rainbows are his favorite. Every year my dad forced him to be a football player or Mario (yes the Nintendo Mario). I think one year he got to be a pumpkin, but never a rainbow. Rock on Alex….rock the shit out of that butterfly costume. One day I’ll sneak my brother a rainbow one πŸ˜‰

  42. I LOVE Land Shark. Love it. I do that every time I have to knock on one of my kids’ doors. They are quite likely sick to death of me. Maybe that’s why one of them moved away 4 years ago and the other one left yesterday. Or it could just be the normal course of life. Who knows? Anyway, to me, the Land Shark never gets old.

  43. Hilarious! Way to roll with it, though, Mom.

    I got away with four years of adorable (read: expensive) Halloween costumes for Big Brother. Until last year when he insisted on the polyester, nasty a** Spiderman costume from Target that ripped the minute he (no joke) brushed up against a small twig.

    I think I’d prefer a PB butterfly.

    1. That’s TOTALLY what I’m saying! The Target costumes are SO FREAKING CHEAPLY MADE that yeah, they fall apart the second the light hits them. It’s BULLSHIT.

      What, me worked up? NEVER. heh.

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