She comes into full view from my spot on the gurney and I only know that my parents are going to be so pissed at me.

Rebecca, keep your eyes OPEN. Now, open them. No, don’t cry – everything will be okay.

I try to tell her that I’m sleepy, that I should go to sleep, but what comes out is my address:

734 Bluff Street apartment 101. 734 Bluff Street apartment 101. 734 Bluff Street apartment 101.

Rebecca, do you know what year it is? Do you know what happened? Who’s the current president?

I try to remember the answers that should be staring me in the face. The words are elusive. What comes out is:

734 Bluff Street apartment 101. 734 Bluff Street apartment 101. 734 Bluff Street apartment 101.

She motions to someone out of view – another parametric? The driver? I can’t be certain if we are, indeed, moving.

Suddenly another face appears in my line of site. This one looks extremely concerned.

734 Bluff Street apartment 101. 734 Bluff Street apartment 101. 734 Bluff Street apartment 101.

I can hear myself speak, my voice is wobbly and nearly impossible to understand.

The new person produces a pair of scissors and begins to cut off my pants while the first parametric continues with the questions and begins palpating my leg. I scream. Fuck, I realize, I broke my hip and femur again.

Rebecca, who is the current president? Do you know what happened to you?

Trying to shake my head no, I realize they have stabilized my neck. Frighteningly, I have absolutely zero memory of the incident leading up to this ambulance – I only know that my femur and hip are broken. For the second time in two months.

Once again, the correct answers get hung up somewhere between my gallbladder and my pancreas and can’t make it to my mouth:

734 Bluff Street apartment 101. 734 Bluff Street apartment 101. 734 Bluff Street apartment 101.

Then it all goes black.

———-

Surgery went well, the surgeon updates my parents. We removed all but one screw of the old hardware from her last hip and femur break. The last break, when exactly was that?

End of September, early October. She had an orthopedic doctor before – why isn’t he involved in her care?

This break was far more extensive and the surgery was far more complex than the last one, so Dr. Choi called me in. I deal with traumatic orthopedic surgeries. She’d snapped the titanium rod in two pieces.

Wow.

It was by far one of the worst breaks I’ve seen in all my years doing this.

Thank you for your update. When can we see our daughter?

There was a complication with the surgery.

A complication? What happened?

Well, he faltered a bit. She still hasn’t woken up from her surgery.

WHAT? Why? What happened?

We’re not sure what happened. We’d like run some additional tests, and do an EEG to determine if she has brain activity.

Yes, absolutely. Please run all the tests you feel important.

———-

She has an infection, this may be contributing to why she hasn’t yet woken up after surgery, I could hear the doctor. The cultures from her femur are a nasty group d streptococcus. She’s going to both need a central line and indefinite antibiotics.

Indefinite?

Yes. Absolutely indefinite. We don’t know what’s causing the coma, we only know that she has brain waves indicative of excellent brain function.

It’s been 4 weeks and nothing. Not a single change in her condition.

I’m terribly sorry, the doctor continues. There’s only so much we can know about the inner-workings of the human brain brain and its response to traumatic events.

———-

She is terminal. We are very sorry. We’ve done all we can, I can hear them say. Her children should say their goodbyes.

I’m right here, I try to scream.

———-

I woke up the next day.

 

 

 

Comments

comments

70 Responses to Updated! Terminal Velocity

  • Teri
    Twitter: OkieLlama
    says:

    Wow, Becky!

  • Holy shit. You. Must. Have. Been. Hysterical. And then there’s … Your poor parents. Your poor kids…. Oh my GOD. I think you should not try out for Wolverine.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Damn. I was SO looking forward to being Wolverine! Or an artificial life form. Because, obviously.

      I’ve now got SO MUCH hardware in my femur/hip. I’m slowly becoming bionic.

  • Karin says:

    I’m so glad you woke up. I hope you heal quickly and this is the end of your health woes for a long tim@

  • Amy Scalf says:

    Glad you’re doing better Aunt Becks!

  • Krista says:

    Holy crap, Becky!

  • Andra says:

    *tears* Just. Wow.
    AB… I have always known you are a strong person… But holy shit lady! So very glad to have you back in the land of the living.

  • J says:

    Dayum. That is goosebump inducing, tear making, crazy shit. Congrats on flipping the bird to the Reaper, keep fighting.

  • Andie
    Twitter: lilmscreant
    says:

    Omg that’s crazy. So glad you made it out

  • Gayle says:

    Wow! You snapped a titanium rod ?? That’s crazy.
    Good wishes for your continued recovery.

  • MFA Mama says:

    So what DID happen to cause this break? Did you fall or get hit by a car or what? Why did they tell your family you were terminal if you still had brain activity on EEG and weren’t in multi-system organ failure (or were you?). Was the titanium hardware defective or something, for it to have snapped like that? I’m trying to understand, because I am worried about you.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I fell. That’s what caused the fracture. A stupid, well-timed fall. I can’t remember the falls – not really. I get bits and pieces of it – that’s all. And since I was alone, no one else can verify the story.

      They didn’t know about the infection in my legs until I began running ultra high fevers that they couldn’t get down, no matter what. When the infection control doc found that my cultures had grown – it took a full nine days for the cultures to grow – I got placed on antibiotics. Indefinitely. I’m guessing that they told my parents I was terminal with the coma (despite my EEG results) and they weren’t getting the fever down. Period. No real idea, it’s just a guess on my end.

      I have to believe that the titanium hardware from the first break was both contaminated and faulty. There’s no reason that this should’ve happened. None.

      I’m planning to start with a new ortho once my next visit with my current ortho is complete. I’m hoping they’ll be able to tell me more as to how a fall could fracture my femur – the strongest bone in the fucking body.

  • Sam says:

    I’m also trying to understand what happened. Why would a dr say you were terminal if you had excellent brain functioning? Hoping you’ll give more details.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      In the comment above yours, I try to answer a lot of questions.

      I do not know why a doctor would say that I was terminal when I was in the coma. I’m thinking it had a lot to do with the infection and being able to control the fevers. I think by terminal, they may have meant, will not wake up. I don’t really know and my parents are too freaked to talk about it.

  • Marian Allen
    Twitter: MarianAllen
    says:

    Hells bells, girl! That doctor must have gone and read your blog. “Stand right here, parents, and listen to me tell you she’s terminal. Bet you a monkey she wakes up tomorrow.” BOOM!

    Seriously glad you’re back. Naturally, all your frands (friends and fans) want to Know All, but (grudgingly) respect your privacy. So we’re here to listen to whatever you want to tell.

    HUGZ

  • Julie says:

    So, SOOOO glad you are back, AB. All the Loves and Hugs.

  • ParalegalMom says:

    holy shit. I’ve followed it on Twitter, but wow.

  • james Rosario says:

    so happy your back was very worried hope everything is ok we are here for you

  • Sherry says:

    So so SO happy you’re back and okay. The Twitter kind of brought me up to date but damn!

    Love and hugs and happiness to you!

    Sherry

  • a says:

    Wow! That sounds really scary! Glad you’re OK – I don’t do Twitter, but I should clearly send you a FB friend request. I hope your recovery is progressing well…

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I’m doing much better than after the first break – PT, my parents, my friends, they all confirm that. I think it was the inpatient rehab – I was there for over a month and it really kicked my ass. Which is EXACTLY what I needed. I couldn’t even sit up on my own when I got there. Now? I’ve got a super sexy walker that I’m mastering. Next step? Cane. That’s HUGE.

      • a says:

        Definitely get yourself a super-fly cane with some sort of animal rendered in gold on top! And it should probably turn into a sword…or maybe not, as you seem a tad accident-prone.

  • Lesley Bishop says:

    Oh, sweetie!
    They would never say you were terminal due to a head injury, even in a coma. I think you either misunderstood, or I. Your impaired, seriously injured state, your brain tried to fill in a answers for you. Terminal refers to condition that is, by its nature, self programmed to destroy cells and cause your death. If you had been in a coma, your brain wasn’t killing itself. It might be unable to regenerate, on its own (though thankfully, it did!), but unless another incident occurred, or an infection traveled to your brain (which is near impossible for the step you had to cross the blood/brain barrier) you wouldn’t be terminal. Even if the infection had traveled , it wouldn’t be terminal. It’s not surprising your brain would fill in the pieces the best it could, though. There’s so much we don’t know about its workings, but we do know it’s job is to make sense of those things which don’t seem to, at all! Best wishes for a speedy recovery!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      My parents did confirm that the doctors didn’t think I’d wake up or get any better. I think it was the fever – which was uncontrollable – and dangerous. I don’t know. It’s what I remember hearing, but maybe I was wrong!

      • janey says:

        I don’t think “wrong” is the right word. I think you were traumatized and need to make sense of it or own a narrative, any narrative, to help you make sense of what you faced. But, it’s important to get to the root of fact, not perception, when you communicate your experience in this type of forum. You’re awake now. Get your chart. Get your doctor and team and have them give you the accurate narrative. Then, you can begin healing.

  • Mitzi says:

    But none of this happened, nor does it remotely make sense. You sound like you suffer from Munchausen Syndrome and thrive off the attention you receive from feigning sick or near death. Consider getting checked out.

    • Becky's Bitchface friend says:

      As a friend of Becky’s in real life who has been talking and texting her for the last 5 months while this has been going on I can assure you it happened. I have countless late night/early morning texts from her throughout all of this sharing what was going on, freaking out because she thought something was wrong, and in the hospital before her coma. Becky may not have every detail correct, but having been through several severe traumas while already suffering from depression it can be hard to recall exact details. As Becky has mentioned, she was suffering with severe depression after the first break, and honestly probably before that too. Sometimes it was obvious with the things she said, sometimes it was more subtle, however comments like yours (that were and still are being said) don’t help someone in that position. I am sure with all of her time at the hospital and rehab center that a complete psych evaluation was done, and if there was anything past depression (and anxiety from the incidents) that she would have been told. It is not her obligation, duty or desire to share every detail of her life with you, so sometimes the details might not add up. My suggestion is if you don’t know her, enjoy her writing or just want to find out what the hell happened to her to just not read her blogs or posts. Becky does love attention, that’s why she blogs, but no one is forced to read what she writes. While your attention is appreciated I’m sure, I would avoid making diagnoses if you don’t have the proper training. Munchausen is a mental disorder in which individuals intentionally produce or pretend to have physical or psychological symptoms of illness. Yes, this can manifest in ways such as physical injuries, however breaking bones is very severe and more than likely would be obvious to the professionals that have surrounded her the last few months. In Becky’s case she has horrible luck, combined with a reluctance to getting medical attention right away.

      • Anna says:

        Really? She texted you through the whole thing? Late at night? While in a coma?

        Listen – Becky definitely has some medical issues, but they are psychological. If you are her friend, help her get the real help she needs. Don’t enable this.

        • Andra says:

          Wow… Judgmental much?

          Becky, and her friends do not need to justify themselves to you. However, here I am. Obviously you are not here to be supportive of Becky, and the recent trauma she has had to deal with. Maybe you should go find a more conducive blog to stalk… And leave the negative comments where they belong… unspoken.

          Have a nice day

  • janey says:

    I’m so sorry, dear. Sadly, I have to agree with the people above. I’ve been a silent reader for a long time because I generally don’t like to comment on the lives of others. In a voyeuristic way, just reading is enough to keep me entertained and interested. But, I think, and I say this with genuine kindness and from a place of concern, that you have created much of the narrative above out of a desire to understand what happened and, potentially, to provoke a greater sympathetic response. What you might be failing to understand is that this over dramatization is completely unnecessary. You suffered a trauma…more than one, actually. A broken femur is among the most traumatic injuries out there and I’m unsure why you feel like it, in a n d of itself, isn’t a scary enough tale. There are just too many aspects of your recollection that take it from the realm of fact to fantasy. Art (tv, books, movies, etc.,.) portray coma patients as silent captives wherein everything is heard and experienced but without capacity to respond. That’s not the way it works. The biological processes that cause a comatose state preclude the formation of short term memory. That’s why people wake up and think no time has passed…because they weren’t forming new memories. Hearing is possible and the brain CAN catch parts of that, but when you talk to Neuro patients, they recall voices, not words: sounds of the normal hospital experience, but not entire chunks of conversational dialogues. And, had you been in a state of waking, the doctors and nurses can see the difference using brain waves and other physiological cues. The movies make us think coma patients are passive tale recorders but it just doesn’t work that way. I’m sure your parents were there and I’m sure you heard them. I’m sure there were discussions about your progress, but… you were also, almost certainly (given your state) in an ICU. You can’t be comatose and have a massive infection with a cebtraline and be chilling in a normal hospital room. In trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, I have to wonder if your subconscious was subject to conversations about other patients and you absorbed it. The term “terminal” isn’t said lightly and it’s certainly never presented in the manner you share or with your list of symptoms. Your brain activity being “excellent” says that no one would diagnose your neurological status as “terminal”. Doesn’t work that way. Your infection, while bad, had been diagnosed and was being aggressively managed. Even the worst infections aren’t terminal. It’s what the infection does to your other organs and bodily functions that might be terminal. But, you didn’t mention other organ involvement or failure. And, crossing the blood brain barrier is exceptionally difficult.

    My friend, I believe you suffered and I believe you were scared. A month in patient is scary. Your family was worried and scared and your doctor’s probably conveyed appropriate diagnostic and prognostic expectations. But, trauma is trauma and there’s no award for the worst case. It’s enough that you are here now and thank God you are. Your tale doesn’t need an infusion of drama. It’s dramatic as it is.

    Please, please seek therapy. You’ve been through a lot and this post shows that the events had a huge impact on your emotions and your family. Give yourself the gift of perspective and time to heal.

    • ender says:

      I shouldn’t engage a troll, but frankly? You don’t know shit about what happened so STFU. This comment is not helpful, it’s passive-aggressive bullshit intended to sound pretty while actually being petty. It’s a blog. Let her tell her story her way. If you don’t like her way of telling the story, then stop reading and just let it go.

      • janey says:

        Ender, I’m sorry you see the comment in that light. I like her and I m concerned. It’s not passive-aggressive, it’s how I speak. You said, “let her tell her story”…But, it’s not supposed be to a story, it’s written as fact. If you were ANY sort of friend to her, you would take a step back and see that she admits to not having a clear picture of what was going on with her health and “could be wrong”. My advice was to GET. The. Truth. So she can heal and stop guessing.

        You, also, don’t know what happened beyond what was posted here.

        • Your Aunt Becky
          Twitter: mommywantsvodka
          says:

          Hey Janey,

          I’ve verified what happened with both my parents and my doctors. I’ve had appointments with them since the surgery and we discussed what had happened – but no one was able to tell me why. I still don’t have that answer and I desperately want it so that I can avoid the shit out of it in the future.

          When they swabbed my femur before the second surgery, it grew – group alpha strep 9 days later. I do have appointments with the infection control doc and I am on what he termed “indefinite antibiotics.” I see him again at the beginning of March and maybe THEN I can get off the Ceftin. I’m just pleased they took out my central line. No more IV antibiotics for me.

          I understand that what I posted about sounds insane. If I were outside looking in, I’d doubt the shit out of this story. I don’t blame you for questioning me and what I heard, because again, I understand the skepticism. I’d feel the same damn way.

          However, if you want to talk about this further, or have questions about my medical care and you’re ACTUALLY coming from a place of concern, I’m happy to talk about what I’ve been told and what I heard in the coma. Just email me becky.harks@gmail.com I’m happy to have an open discussion with you – I’d love to talk to someone about it all. Honestly, I would.

          I *also* understand I left a lot of what happened out of this story, but the first order of The Internet is “you don’t owe anything to anyone. Ever.” I wrote what I wrote as I remembered. That’s all I’m saying I did. The validity of it? Not really up for debate. This IS what I can recall of the time in which I was in a coma. Like it or don’t, believe me or don’t, it’s what *I* experienced. That’s not open for debate. These are the words I heard, the sounds I experienced, and the problems I faced down. I only ever said I’d describe things as I remembered/felt/experienced them.

          That’s all any of us do.

          • KC says:

            Just in case there are people reading this who don’t recognize what is actually happening and think this entire story is factually true, let me make one quick point. I won’t belabor this by pointing out the multitude of details that make absolutely no sense. Just one that has been repeated several times already that is just plain 100% scientifically wrong.

            It takes less than 20 minutes to complete a test for group alpha streptococcus antigens. A full culture from swab for group alpha strep takes 24-48 hours. It is biologically not possible for a strep culture to take 9 days. The only biologically possible way to have a strep culture not show positive until 9 days after the swab would have been to freeze the sample for a week, which no hospital would do with a comatose trauma patient.

            Had there been strep present on or around the surgery site in the amount required to cause an uncontrollable fever/infection, it would have been found long before the surgery was even finished (likely before it had moved past the initial stage). Even if the strep was present in an incredibly small amount, it STILL would have been found within 24-48 hours.

            Ignoring the rest of the absurd claims in the story, this one “confirmed by doctors and parents” detail is biologically and medically impossible. Source: my husband is an MD and had me Google it to back him up. I highly encourage everyone else do the same, as a simple search for “group alpha strep culture time” will show that everything I just wrote is true.

            • Your Aunt Becky
              Twitter: mommywantsvodka
              says:

              You’re SO right and I’m SO wrong!

              What was written on my discharge papers said group alpha strep (I could scan them to show you, but that would mean I had fucks to give about you, and sadly, I’m fresh out).

              I learned just how VERY wrong I was today.

              It was NOT group alpha strep.

              It was group *D* strep.

              I BOW to the ALTER of my WRONGNESS!

    • Becky's Other Friend says:

      A great many infections result in terminal states. That’s what sepsis is. By implying that no one has ever died of an infection you are clearly demonstrating the depth of your medical knowledge.

      Also, a person can be in a “coma” and have varying degree of mental and even physical function. A coma where a portion of your brain is shut down. How large that portion is can vary greatly.

      • janey says:

        No. The majority of infections are resolved quickly and easily through the use of antibiotics. Sepsis occurs when an infection is either resistant to therapeutic dosages of medication or when the infection has spread from its point of origin to a systemic process. I never said no one ever diesel infection, nor did I imply that. Get a grip. Read what I said, not what you wish I said. I said even the worst infections aren’t terminal…it’s what they do to your organ systems that can kill you. That is fact.

        A comatose patient is rated on a scale. She is suggesting that she was,unable to move, communicate, or “wake up” to such a degree that she was deemed TERMINAL (a very specific word). So, either her coma was severe or it wasnt. People are asking questions and offering information because what she’s saying and what is possible are two different things. That doesn’t mean we question the fact that she was hospitalized with severe trauma, a bad infection, and an altered neurological status. We’re just saying she’s doing more harm to herself than good by presenting her experience in a way that makes it tremendously easy to dismiss. What she went through is bad enough.
        You don’t have to agree and you can do whatever you like. Feel free to block me so you don’t have to read what I have to say.

        Btw, a coma is NOT, when a portion of your brain shuts down. It is a state of unconsciousness, measured by degree of response. Brains that “shut down” are dead brains. Comas are not, and never have been, related to the brain “shutting down”. That’s laughable. The brain is very much alive during a coma. As the author of the blog communicates well by admitting that her brain function was anything but shut down. Someone whose brain is so gravely injured that the brain has shut down would be regarded as being in a vegetative state, with no function.
        I have a medical degree. Do you?

        • HB says:

          You obviously haven’t been that much of a silent reader our you would know that Becky was at one time a nurse so yes- she DOES have a medical degree.

  • Fran says:

    Fuckity fucking fuck! I knew you lived and I was still freaking the fuck out reading this. Welcome back, dear Aunt Becky. You have been missed <3

  • Grace says:

    Wow! Is it Troll Season already? I thought they didn’t usually come out until April. I guess the Groundhog was wrong.

    • Remember? The groundhog died. Next year, there’s a good chance it will be named “troll’s day’ instead of groundhog’s day, so they’re getting a head start. In fact, they’re probably trying out to be replacements. We have to help them out here. They want to win the contest and live in the hole in a ground in Puxatawney Pennsylvania. Be sure to nominate the best for the trolliest troll award.

      • Grace says:

        I’m all for burying trolls and only allowing them out once a year. How many holes can Puxatawney Pennsylvania handle?

        Wow. That sounded dirty.

  • Tanya says:

    It was a very scary time. I personnelly went to see her In the hospital. As we live in the same apartment complex. Her parents and oldest son were actually preparing for the worst. It was very sad to see her son in tears. This is beckys blog and she’s recalling how she saw everything take place and how she feels. I don’t think that is a crime. Think before you post rude comments and make her feel like sh!t. Like someone said this was very traumatic for her and her family, so why are you being a cyber bully?

    • Anna says:

      Her parents couldn’t see her but some lady in her apartment complex was able to? Sorry, but no.

      If you did see her in a hospital, and I do believe Becky was hospitalized, but for psychiatric and not physical ailments, then support her privately and don’t contribute to the mistruths on this site. Lying, or at the very best, omitting the truth or passing off speculation or exaggeration as fact, has gotten Becky arrested and charged with felonies in the past. She needs real support, not enablers.

  • Andra says:

    Wow. The trolls are coming right out of the woodwork here, aren’t they! I do not understand why they are a. Reading your blog: or b. Commenting on it. Wonder where they acquired their medical knowledge… Wikipedia?

    I love the hell out of you AB! Fuck the trolls!!

  • Rho says:

    I’m glad you’re back. The trolls be damned. This is your story to tell, and tell it how you remember it.

    Everything you gone through sucks monkey ass, but I’m glad you’re still here

  • Sarah says:

    Holy shit! I’m so far out of the blog world, I didn’t know any of this. So glad you are here and writing. Big, giant – but not bone-crushing because you’ve had enough of that – e-hug.

  • janey says:

    Trolls? Not so much. We’re readers, like you, who worry when someone, by her own admission, doesn’t have a clear, accurate picture of what happened. Talking through the process helps most people.

    • Andra says:

      There is a huge difference between talking about a situation, and the resulting trauma… And accusing. What you are doing is creating a conversation that is destined to be full of hurt, and accusations.. If Ms Becks wants to talk about it, then she will.. in her own time. Its no ones place to call her names, and/or accuse her of being untruthful, I trust Becky, with my life. So, unless you can play nice, maybe you should just turn off the notifications for her blog for awhile…

      And yes, professional in the medical field.. thankyouverymuch.

      Have a nice day.

  • Frankie Hopkins says:

    Becks! Good to see you writing again, even if it’s about these bullshit happenings. Healing thoughts being sent from Montana.

  • Courtney says:

    Becky!! I’m glad you’re okay! Is your phone # still the same, if so I’ll text you and you can have another shoulder to lean on.

  • Jane says:

    I’ve been following along and keep getting frustrated by the” terminal” argument. I think there is a misunderstanding going on here and I can’t help attempting to clarify. Putting aside all suspicions, questions and defenses about what happened, it seems to me that some remarks about the word terminal are being taken the wrong way.

    Becky is telling us she has a memory of being aware while unconscious and hearing a doctor say she was not going to make it. While most of us know the word terminal is sometimes used in this context, some who work in medical settings are just trying to point out that the word terminal is unlikely to be used, in this situation, about someone in the condition Becky described.

    Terminal is usually used to refer to progressive diseases like some some cancers or heart disease.

    This is a semantic point. Pointing out that the word terminal is extremely unlikely to have been used in this situation does not necessarily indicate that the condition Becky describes could not be potentially fatal. Of course infections sometimes do cause death; it’s just that a doctor is unlikely to use terminal as a descriptor in a case of a patient with severe infection who is not expected to make it.

    Sorry to belabor the point! I just kept thinking wait… you guys… don’t get mad at each other over this point.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Well said. Thank you. It IS semantics and it IS what I heard. Like it or don’t – believe me or don’t – this was what I specifically remember. My parents confirmed it a couple of weeks ago. I don’t know that THEY used the term “terminal” or not, but I do know that it was thought my condition would never improve and that I may never recover.

  • Jennifer B says:

    Glad you’re back, and mostly on your feet, Aunt Bex!!! Not sure why people feel they have the authority to tell you what did and did not happen TO YOU, since none of them were there… But, regardless, there are still many of us out here who are very happy that the dark cloud has lifted and you have pulled through. Gnarly X-rays, lady. Keep healing, and do feel free to vent or write it out when you need to!

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