My youngest son has been incredibly accident prone (his dad is, too). When he was 2, we went camping and another child accidentally hit him in the face with an entrenching tool, which is a pointy shovel used to dig trenches. A few millimeters to the left or right and his eye would have been gone. Luckily, he just had a small slice on his cheek and in between his eyes. Didn’t even need stitches, and he has some cool scars.

Then, about a year later, he and his older brother were playing on the tile floor of our apartment, and he fell flat on his face, knocking his front to teeth almost completely out, but not quite. There was blood gushing everywhere, and his teeth were just hanging. It was gross and scary, and I was never more glad that their father was actually home at the time. We rushed to the ER, waited about two hours, and then were sent with an army dentist (we followed him in his truck) to one of the dental clinics on post to get the teeth pulled. The poor boy didn’t have front teeth for about two years, until his permanent teeth finally came. He looked super cute, though!

A few months after that escapade, the boys were playing in their room, throwing a ball into the top bunk of their bed, when said ball hits the light cover, breaking it and lodging a chunk of glass into my little one’s collarbone. Yeah, right next to a major artery. Luckily (again), it hit the bone and damage was pretty minimal. He had to have stitches and has a huge scar there, which he still claims hurts if you touch it too hard. I was actually worried that the doctors would think that WE were doing bad things to him, since we’d been there not too long before with his teeth dangling in his mouth.

Now for the boner/ER story: once when Douche took me to the ER for a terrible migraine that wouldn’t go away with my usual meds, they gave me something that made me all loopy. I was lying in the bed, all drugged up and feeling weak, and Douche actually tried to have sex with me! Right there in the ER! I shit you not. I could have killed him. This is the same man who tried to have sex with me the day after I had all four wisdom teeth pulled. Jackass.

Well, let’s see. You already know about my trip to the hospital with pneumonia – big fun. I think I already told you about the miserable ER doc who told me I was miscarrying Bean at 9 weeks and there was nothing he could do for me and why was I taking up his valuable time, right?

My other trip to the ER was after I crashed my car 2 weeks before high school graduation and tried to exit my car via the windshield using my face, which I don’t recommend. The nurse at the ER tried to torture me by digging the needle with the local around in my eye socket until an intern took pity on my begging and shooed her away to do it much more gently. I think I promised him something sexual. They thought I would need plastic surgery to repair my forehead and the area around my eyebrow but as it turns out, I am an amazing fucking healer, and some heavily gooped Neosporin for a few weeks did the trick.

Bean’s been to the ER twice thus far. Once, last summer when he split his forehead open like an overripe tomato after a fall at daycare. We got right in, he got 3 stitches and was only pissed when we held him down to get those. The next day, he plucked every stitch out. Surgeons couldn’t have taken them out any more precisely.

Then one Saturday morning he woke up and there was blood coming out his ear. I freaked out more than with the forehead thing. Turns out he had a bad ear infection and his eardrum ruptured, which sounds awful but really only requires antibiotics as usual. He never even cried except when they wouldn’t let him have the oxygen tubing to yank out of the wall. Good times!

I’m glad Alex is on the road to recovery.

Now, for a good boner story…um… how can I not know any good boner related stories? WTF?

when ryan was little he was dx’d with asthma (finally! after MANY mis-dx’s of pneumonia and the docs wondering if he had CF). i knew nothing about asthma as it does not run in my side of the family and ‘the dude that got me preggo’ was not in our lives so no idea of his medical history (although I do recall him telling me that not a lot of guys in his family live past 50 because of heart issues, but i digress). So one evening his chest is retracting while he is sleeping and after a miserable nurse line conversation with the nurse asking me 12 times if he swallowed a button – i finally brought him to the ER. His sats were hovering in the low to mid 80’s when we got there so he was brought right back. Well after several neb treatments and O2, he was perking up, but sats were not holding steady. So the admitted us for 24 hours and my ’sick’ child proceded to bounce all over the place, running around, and eating them out of house and home. I got no sleep and was worried sick and was wondering if the docs thought I was crazy for bringing him in as he wasn’t ‘looking or acting’ ill, but I am glad I did. Amazing what some albuterol does to a person – perhaps I should try that in place of my coffee…