The good news: Alex is nearly potty trained.

The bad news: Amelia decided that she, too, needed a potty chair.

You’re all, “AUNT BECKY, THAT’S A GOOD THING,” and that’s where you’d be right…sort of. Because my daughter isn’t one of those kids who will just DO as she’s ASKED. Oh no. That would be too simple.

On Sunday, I marched wobbled my happy ass to Target to get her her Very Own Potty Chair. Awesome! It’s sitting in my kitchen. It makes noises and cheers sometimes. I’ve decided that I need a cheering section for the bathroom. It would make peeing a lot more exciting.

Alas, I digress.

Monday, Amelia took off her diaper and streaked no less than three times. Cute, right? ADORABLE. She’s a mini-frat boy.

THEN, as she was eluding my shuffly arms, she took a gigantic pee in the hallway. She was probably holding her bladder for 12 hours just to do that. As I screamed “AMELIA, NO!” she began to tap dance IN HER PEE as she laughed. Mouth open, head tilted back, uproariously laughing as she splashed around in her pee puddle. It was like Singing In The Rain…but with pee.

She was so proud of herself.

I aged 20 years.

The teenage years are going to be incredible.


When my friend Jimmy from Shui Teas sent me some tea, I was pretty excited. Mail makes me happy in the pants because normally all I get is bills and anytime I get something that’s not a bill, I do a Snoopy HAPPY Dance.

Jimmy from Shui Teas, who is also one of my advertisers, sent me the Vodka Tea Infusion Pack to try out because, well, obviously, and suggested that I give one away to my Pranksters as well. He’s also given you a 10% off code: MOMMYVODKA for any orders from his site through December 12.

So to enter the Vodka Tea Infusion Pack from Shui Teas, you must leave me a comment telling me if you were a flavor, what flavor tea you’d be.

For additional entries (up to four total), you can follow me on The Twitter, follow Band Back Together on The Twitter, follow Mushroom Printing on The Twitter or become my Facebook Friend. Just leave a separate comment for each of the things you do.

The contest will end at midnight on December 14 and a winner will be randomly selected on the 15th of December.

In the meantime, I’ll be engaged in a battle of the wills with my daughter.

Send help.

121 thoughts on “Tea Bags Are Total Bullshit. So Is Potty Training.

    1. Purple is definitely a flavor. I just had a sample of a grape-pomegranate tea-thing and my sister and I debated if the flavor was purple or navy blue. Purple won.

  1. Im not really a tea drinker yo, but if I were a tea, or more matter of factly if there were to be a tea made after me, it would probably be called off your rocker tea or hallucinogenic mind spittle tea (sp?!?!?)

    No actual flavor just makes you see pretty bows and like people. Or you know, at least not want to stab them in the eye and junk.

    1. When and where can I purchase this tea? No. Really. Hallucinogenic mind spittle tea that makes me see pretty bows and like people? Where do I sign what I assume is a liability waiver?

  2. If I were a flavored tea, I would probably be that Pink Antibiotic that kids get prescribed when they have the sickies. No, that would be gross.

    I would probably be bacon flavored tea…?? But only for my breakfast tea………

    I’d probably be tea flavored with a hint of salt and various tropical fruits. But you have to get the oceany salt flavor in the tropical fruits or it just won’t be right. Yes, that’s it! The Tea of Me!

  3. I would definitely be orange spice tea because it smells delicious (which I do not, usually, but not in a disgusting way… so it would be a change of pace) and it tastes delicious (which I’m pretty sure I already do).

  4. My kid does the snoopy happy dance when she pees on my floor! That girl would sit on her potty seat all dang day watching Backyardigans if I’d just let her wipe wipe wipe the entire time (don’t think I don’t know what you’re really doing little girl!)

  5. If I were a flavor of tea it would be perpetual confusion tea. As my lady friend has pointed out (several times) I have this almost constant look of amazement/confusion on my face a look that simply says “What the HELL is wrong with you fucking people?!?”

    The tea would have a subtle flavor that does nothing to calm the nerves and would inspire the urge to bang ones forehead against solid stationary objects.

  6. If I was a flavor in real life I’d probably be laundry hag flavor. In my fantasy flavor, some sort of skinny supermodely mango flavor….

  7. Our boys have peed standing up in the middle of anywhere. And they did this when they were about a year old and they look down like, “Wow! Cool!” I can see when they pee in the bath water, because they look down like, “That is just so coool!” So good luck with your daughter!

    On a tea flavor. Hmm I’d have to go with Joyful Pomegranate. I’m generally a happy person, because I know things could get worse and I love Pomegranate juice with my vodka, LOL!

  8. Gird your loins people. I’m about to spill the gospel, as it were. Tea tastes of Jesus. That’s right, I just blew your minds, (I heard the sharp intakes of breaths from here). but pause, sit thee, rest you and let that sink in.

    There are those through the years who have convinced themselves that their teas have many flavors. Nay, I say. Tea has only one flavor. And it is of the Jesusness. Peace be with you.

  9. Tea flavor?

    Chocolate Awesomeness of Amazitude.

    Yes. That is totally the flavor I would be.

    That is also the flavor of coffee, breakfast cereal and furniture polish I would be, so I’m hanging onto this one in anticipation of future contests.

    And I already follow BBC and MP, so one entry will do me just fine there, ma’am.

  10. tea is awesome. Margarita tea would be awesomer.

    So far, I;ve got one girl and one boy potty trained. Girl was easy, I just plopped the chair in the front room by Dora and ignored her. She won’t do anything I WANT her to do , so I make it seem like it’s her idea. Boy…Boy oh boy. I was at the height of morning sickness for The Babe and he thought up things to do with his poo and pee that The Girl never would. For instance: I could not locate him one sunny afternoon and found him in the driveway, totally naked. “Look, ma! I made a pinacle!” Pinacle is Pine-a cle, the 2 year old equivalent of pine cone. What? Where? Yeah, he pooped right ON the driveway. that kid would pee in the weirdest places and wanted to be like my MIL’s dog, who pees outside. I found him naked more times that i CAN COUNT. Once, when the neighbors were having a graduation party. IN their backyard. He was a hit.

  11. Your daughter dancing in her pee…priceless! LOL.

    If I were tea, I’d be sugar cookie flavored. I’m sure if any bit into my flesh I’d taste like cookies because that’s pretty much all I ingest. Well that and tea of course 🙂

    I follow you here and on Twitter. I don’t have a Facebook account for Jumble Mash or I’d totally follow you there, too.

  12. I totally feel your pain. My youngest monkey is finally nearing the end of the potty-training PITA stage, but he has peed so many times in the playroom, because he was clearly MUCH TOO BUSY playing with Thomas the Train, that he just couldn’t peel himself away for A SECOND to pee, in the toilet.

    I am begging The Man to tear it out, and replace it. But alas, since money doesn’t grow on trees, I have to settle trying to ‘clean’ it. Pure bullshit, if you ask me.

    Oh – and I’d totally be Coconut Tea. I have a hard exterior (with fuzz that I work hard to keep removed) and am totally sweet on the inside. And, for the last several years of my life, I was also milky (ala breastfeeding my monkeys). So yes. Coconut.

  13. LOVE me some sweet tea. However I’m on south beach, so no dice.
    I was known as the blue jeans girl by my great uncle when I was little. I turned into the flannel queen in HS. I still love me some flannel and jeans, or t’shirt and jeans if the weather is ideal. So I’m gonna have to say I’d be “comfy denim sweet tea” if I were a tea! :o)

  14. At the risk of sounding boring, I’d be Earl Grey, specifically Tazo’s Earl Grey (can’t speak for the other brands). At first glance (and first taste) it seems a very serious tea, but upon closer inspection you notice the lively orange-y flavors hidden on in there that really make it a lot of fun!

    Also, hi! I’m Kathryn, and I’m a longtime lurker, first time commenter. Hopefully you’ll see more of me in the future!

  15. Well if I were a flavored tea I would be hmm……… Vicodin and honey flavored I know vicodin isn’t so much a flavor as an additive but what a kick ass additive for a tea. I suppose you could even substitute vicodin with Xanax if that’s your thing.

    1. I really wish I could make vicodin tea happen. Really. I guess for now it’s a do-it-yourself kinda addition, like milk or honey. How great would that be?

      Server: “What do you take with your tea?”
      Me: “I’ll take milk and vicodin, please.”

  16. My kinda tea would be Mojito. I get tea like that in the iced variety, but it’s premade. A mojito hot tea would be awesome.

    Oh, and just pray that Amelia doesn’t paint with her crap.

  17. Did you know that I recently had a delicious drink called The Ice Pick that was sweet tea mixed with vodka? Y.U.M.M.Y! That’s what I would be, if I could be a tea. Make it a Raspberry Ice Pick. That would rock.

    On another note, my daughter wanted to potty train about two months ago. I had to roll up my throw rugs so she didn’t ruin them. After utilizing the three day potty training method, and peeing in the playground at Chick Fil A, she is in diapers again.

  18. If I were a tea flavor, I’d be violet riot–a mix of violets and lavender and ginger with a black tea base–sweet summer flavor and a jolt of caffeine to keep you going.

  19. If I was a tea, I think I would be Southern Sweet Iced Tea (I know that is not really a flavor) because I am southern (duh) and I am as sweet as can be, until you piss me off, then I am a cold bitch..LOL 🙂

    check out my blog @

  20. How did you resist rubbing her little nose in it? It worked for my mom..
    If I were a tea, Id like to be “Snappy with a Kick in the Teeth”

  21. Pee dancing! Awesome! I would enter, but I really dont like tea. And everyone I know that DOES like tea wouldnt like vodka infused tea. Can he hook me up with a Teepee? Because THAT would be awesome.

    I already follow you everywhere, I am a total stalker dude.

  22. Your story trumps mine. Squirrel girl peed in the tub, while tasting it she slipped in it and clunked her head. It happened all at once. She was crying and I couldn’t stop laughing.I’m still laughing. My kids are so fucked!
    AS for tea, I would be something regal. Probably earl grey. One must always be prepared in case the Queen comes for tea.

  23. Dude you definitely have to remember that and when you are old and she is taking care of you you can pull off YOUR diaper in the middle of HER hallway and pee then dance in it.

    I am living to get old just to pay back my kids just like that 🙂

  24. Once again you’ve made me lol. Actually laugh to myself. At work. People think I’m nuts. Which I am. So my tea would be a vanilla spiced nut. A litle sweet, a little spicey and a little nutty. That’s me!

    Oh, and once you infuse your vodka with the tea, you must try it in some lemonade. Yum!

  25. Once again you’ve made me lol. Actually laugh to myself. At work. People think I’m nuts. Which I am. So my tea would be a vanilla spiced nut. A litle sweet, a little spicey and a little nutty. That’s me!

    Oh, and once you infuse your vodka with the tea, you must try it in some lemonade. Yum!

  26. I just love you, Aunt Becky. For the potty that makes all the noise, for the fact that your girl peed on your floor too (erm, I sort of did diaper-freeish with three beastlies, so I’m reliving the puddles right here …) AAAAAND because I just love you.

    I’d be the tea of lurve.

  27. whilst I don’t really “do” twitter because I have to do SOME housework, I follow yer ass on the twit. I’ll get to Band and Mushies later … if my brain doesn’t fall out of my head first.

  28. Oh, and I friend-requested you on FB. But I haven’t followed you on the Twitter, because I can’t remember all of my The Twitter information and because technology scares me (even though I write a blog). If I weren’t so busy chasing after my own daughter’s urine stream, I’d look into that further.

  29. I would definitely, absolutely be Guinness flavoured tea. And the longer this pregnancy goes on–and therefore the longer since I’ve TASTED Guinness–the more I wish that existed as an actual flavour.

  30. I’d be raspberry because um, it’s sour AND sweet and particularly delicious when topped with whipped cream and/or rum. Just raspberry. Not raspberry tea, because even *I* don’t approve of adding rum to tea. They’re mah favorites but not TOGETHER. And my children are constantly hearing “that is NOT appropriate!” which usually results from spastic naked dancing, usually not in pee, but I can’t say that’s never happened.

  31. I had to take a full week of vacation to potty train my daughter. She’s a stubborn little wench and the only way was the cold turkey method. She would just stop in the middle of whatever she was doing, look at me and let loose… She knew what she was supposed to do, she just chose this as a battleground. It did take the entire week and a lot of carpet stain remover but damn it, I won.

  32. Tea… I would probably be some kind of licorice infusion! Naturally sweet and a little reminder that I looooove a little glass of Ricard after a long day on the job 🙂

  33. Hrmm, you asked about flavor, did you mean generically, or tea?

    Generically, green apple- So yummy, but kicks you in the mouth.

    Tea- Spiced Chai, heavy on/add ginger. Sugary, sweet, smooth, but again, kicks you in the mouth.

    And now I want tea. Damn.

  34. I think I just peed my own puddle imagining you doing the snoopy dance!Bwahahahaa! My kids did that to me too, so did the dog I stood there helplessly as they pissed my hallway & laughed, then ran away tracking piss throughout because..clearly,I don;t have enough to do:)Happy Mothering!

  35. If I were a tea, I would be a light mint flavor with a touch of pomegranate and/or mango and a splash of honey. We’d have to call it something like Snow Princess.

    The problem with being as obsessed with tea as I am is that I suck at clever responses to these types of things… All I can think is ‘doh…I like tea..’

  36. Mmmm alcohol tea. Toasty and warm and uh…alcholy. Kinda lost where I was going on that. Anyway, I’d be peppermint chocolate or something mixed with chocolate because mmmm chocolate.
    So on the Amelia thing, maybe cover the floor with puppy pads? No clue, I feel for you though!

  37. If I were a tea… I’d be Snarky-sauce… sounds more like gravy than tea… which only makes me want to drink it more.

  38. I would be the flavor of silence. Because when you’ve got kids, there’s nothing more delicious than that. And nothing makes a better mixer for vodka!

  39. If I were a tea it would be called CRS tea because I can’t remember sh*t!! The flavor would be something spicy to snap me back to reality.

  40. I would love to say something exotic like mango, but it’s more likely I’d be something incredibly normal and comforting like English Breakfast.

  41. If I were a tea flavor I’d be black coffee tea. Chicory coffee on Sundays and holidays, all the time if I could afford it.

    I do agree, though, that tea bags are bullshit, only because they aren’t coffee. Did I win? Can I have coffee or the kinky sex that we don’t have at home since we got so damned old instead of tea? I don’t much care for tea.

    The potty training? Just raise that kid to want to have several boy babies. You can then have plenty to laugh at when you are a grandmother.

  42. Okay, so, my DD decided one day to refuse to take a nap at naptime. After about a half hour of listening to her on the baby monitor not-sleeping, I went in to check on her:

    Not only had she gotten into her diaper… and its contents… she had decided it was a perfect painting medium! Yep! Poop smeared all over her, the crib, the wall above the crib… Yeah… fun…

    Then, like a week later? SHE DID IT AGAIN!!!

    So, she’s 6 now and aside from the occasional damp bedsheets in the morning she’s well potty-trained. I’m saving the story for her first boyfriend. I expect it will be especially entertaining when told in sign language. 🙂

    Oh, and tea is not really my “bag” (OMG I’m gonna kick myself in the nuts for that one) but if I was making a tea flavor, I’d infuse it with wacky tobacky, vicodin, and probably some kind of chocolate. And it would be strong enough to be served as a shot like Chinese tea so I wouldn’t have to sip it since I don’t much like tea but I’d get SUPER fucked up. Oh, and purple. Because Purple IS A FUCKING FLAVOR DAMMIT!

  43. Not sure I’d get any tea shipped to Sweden. But I suppose I could do with extra strenght Dammitol flavour. 🙂

    Also. What’s with all the notes about following and friending, and whatnot? I mean, by all means, do, but why is it also posted as comments? Is that some automatic feature?

    And pottytraining. I had forgotten, but the memory came back… of my daughter not peeing, but pooping in the tub. Cue quick pickup of baby, sanitation of tub, and lather – rinse – repeat of baby girl.

    On other end of spectrum, son wouldn’t have baths until … oh four years old? Until then, he’d *stand* in two inches of water, be wiped with a washcloth for cleaning, while screaming. Once, I had to give him a shower while visiting friends, so warned them… He really screamed bloody murder while I had a death grip on his arm not to let him slip and fall in the dangerous luke warm liquid. You know these scenes from poor african villages, where a mother holds her kid under a pump at a well, by the upper arm, and the kid screams to get away. Like that. After a year or so, he didn’t scream so much, but would whimper to himself, “no danger, no danger” in his little baby words.

  44. Amelia can’t be ready for potty training! She’s just a widdle baby. (A widdle baby tap dancing in weewee! Hilarious!) Damn, time does fly. I mean REALLY, how can I possibly have a one year old?

    As for tea flavor, ummm, I need coffee. Sunshine has her first ear infection. I’ve hardly slept the last three nights.

  45. Right now my flavor would be, um, alfredo. Because I just had an enormous bowl of pasta for lunch. It had broccoli in it, too, which means my aroma for the rest of the day is going to be quite fragrant. You’re welcome.

  46. If I were a tea flavor, I’d probably end up being “Nutballs” or something. I’d end up tasting earthy with a hint of nuts. You be the judge of what kind of NUTS I’d be. My husband has his theories…

  47. I would FrumpyMochaMint . A Full Bodied Black tea with a sassy and mouth Herbal infusion of Vanilla and Chocolate with a HINT of Mint to keep me balanced 🙂 Best of Both Worlds with Vanilla and Chocolate 🙂

  48. I’d be chai vodka tea. Spicy, warm, and boozy – that’s me

    and I swearz I’ll finish the Bozo pictures for you someday, I have one so far, but I think I need a whole photo essay for maximum crazypantsness

  49. If I was a flavor, i would be that miserable trash tea you find in the sodey fountain at the gas station. all the lovely sweetness of mouth rot beverage, but with the illusion of health (i’m not opposed to health, it just seems like SUCH a commitment. I mean, seriosly, wtf is this, an intervention?). its sugar, and a white trash pat on the back, in 64 oz size, because i am a sugar whore. a big giant sugar whore who takes every opportunity to pat herself on the back (drinking healthy? fuck yeah, thats right)

  50. if I were a flavor of tea, I would be “Dammit Freshmen! STFU! Tea” It’s a very full bodied tea that tastes of the tears of small children and crushed hopes.

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