Probably the first thing that went through my shiftless, lazy, baby brain when I said my first word to a rousing round of laughter was “Holy shit, I have to do that again.”

The word? “Fuck.” I’m not kidding.

Over the years, it’s remained my favorite of the dirty words, but I’ve gotten more amused by pairing up other, less dirty words into combinations that, when combined, are even dirtier. Take the innocuous “meat” and the always fun “curtains” and pair them together and you have one of the best terms on the planet: “meat curtains.”

Shockingly, I am neither the user, nor the asker. This somehow ended up in my iPhoto account. I nearly died of happiness.

My first blog was named after another series of innocuous words strung together to make something even better: “Mushroom Printing.” I doubt you’ll find this in a Yahoo Answerbag forum, but if you don’t know what it is, let me tell you once and for all.

A Mushroom Print, My Merry Pranksters, is also known as a dick slap. To the face. Still confused? Think about it a little.

Anyway. There are lots of opportunities to make great combinations of dirty words out of NON dirty words if you do it right. I pride myself on that, especially as my kids get older and I can’t possibly run my mouth like I used to. So I just get more creative.

So hit me with your best shot in the comments. What can you put together to make us laugh?


I’m at Toy With Me talking about lousy lovers. It was one of those articles that SEEMED like a good idea when I wrote it until I realized that it MAYBE wasn’t such a wise idea. Probably because I’m going to get my ass beaten.


And if you haven’t checked out Part I of my Podcast with Dr. Dick, the podcast can be found here on his main site and here on his sister site.


Lastly, I’m redoing my blogroll, and I need you to go and see if your blog is on there (if, of course, you should be). I periodically go through and delete blogs that appear to be abandoned. If I’ve done so in error, or if you’ve updated your link and I haven’t done so, or you’re just. not. there!! Please, oh please! send me an email to with BLOGROLL in the title.

In the body, of course, give me the full website address as well as any compliments or complaints or promises of lavish gifts to be bestowed upon me.

If you’re asking for a link on my blogroll, please make sure that I am on your blogroll as well, because obviously.

I may not get to it today, but I will get to it this week.

111 thoughts on “Talk Dirty To Me

  1. Lint licker. I saw it on a commercial for Orbit so supposedly it’s a cleaner way of calling someone a rug muncher (I’m guessing), which to me just makes it even dirtier. And I giggle every time without fail.

  2. Well, my hub can make anything dirty, so I could hit you with a bunch of ’em, but my favorite dirty words substitute is “nut cluster.” A less offensive way to say cluster fuck, in my world…

  3. Thank you so much for the education! My coworker nearly had a heart attack (from stifled laughter) when I used the term “Reach Around” innocently. Bless his heart he was kind enough to send me off to Urban Dictionary to be straightened out.

    This assignment will keep me entertained the whole day. You just made a lot of people walk around with mysterious Mona Lisa smiles all day. πŸ˜‰

  4. Oh the joys of the double entendre…is that the right phrase? I hope so. Whatever.

    While I absolutely love meat curtain, one of my favorites is snatch latch.

    As In, a man may say to another who has been pussy whipped…”bitch has you in a snatch latch”

    1. Oh god. Snatch Latch. I am making it my life’s purpose (for the next two weeks or until the novelty wears off) to use “bitch has you in a snatch latch” as many times as possible. I love you right now Momma Kiss!

  5. Also, a friend of mine & I had a contest about who could come up with the nastiest name for the female anatomy. I vomited on a regular basis during that contest.

  6. I actually camped out a couple of NASCAR races in my early 20’s and got to see what “tea bagging” means.
    (man sitting on another man’s face with his balls out) Scarred for life, I know.

  7. I’d heard it as a ‘mushroom tattoo…’. We had to explain ‘tea bagging’ to a friend – she’d always hear that ‘bagging someone’ (also a ‘flop’ – flick a guy’s junk with a backhanded motion. Not hard, just a flick) was the same as ‘tea bagging.’ O lord, was that ever FUNNY! My husband offered to show her! We usually come up with some good ones whilst we’re consuming beverages…and for the life of me, I can’t remember any of them.

    I’ve used ‘Cheese & Rice’ instead of J.C. and ‘Hot Ham!’ instead of G.D. (you know what those are…). If I come up with more, I’ll let you know.

  8. Wood Pussy! Actually saw this phrase used in a silent film when referring to an old lady gossiping. Since then it’s become a favorite of myself and friends. “Those PTA moms are a bunch of wood pussies!”

  9. I can’t take credit for it, but at a big gathering heard a little boy crying to his mom that another little boy had called him a penis wrinkle. Not quite so innocuous, but still 2 words I would not have thought to put together.

  10. I have heard of mushroom printing using shoe polish so there is a visible impression. It is usally done when the person on the receiving end is asleep.

    These were guys in the military so it was supposed to be a pay back of sorts

  11. lessee, there’s fudge packer, which I’m sure you’re all aware of, then there’s another favorite of mind from the song Mr. Richard Smoker by Ween, which is, you eat dark meat. In fact, that is one HILARIOUS album. I think it’s called Country Favorites and again, it’s by Ween. It is most certainly NOT for the faint of heart.
    Along with the lint licker there was the biscuit eating bulldog which my children adore.
    Gosh, someone needs to put together a list of “alternative” cuss words. I’d still have my love affair with the originals, but my oh my how my tongue would love to be set free with something I’m able to utter around my children.

  12. Ok, I’m not feeling well today so maybe I misunderstood, but… are you kidding? Your first word was Fuck? That’s awe.some. Or is it the first word to a rousing round of laughter? Either way. Awesome. It’s my favorite word too. and as the kids get older, they just know that just cause Mommy says it doesn’t mean they can. (Although home is for free expression, not good impressions) Oh and we’re from NY, so people don’t get as upset, although living in Florida I don’t seem to have much of a problem meeting other foulmouthed broads. =) Now I’m rambling. I think I’m going to go back to bed. (you’re totally on my blogroll, BTW)

  13. Honestly lover, anything said correctly can be dirty. Just last night I asked my husband to give me a “Richard Simmons.”

    1. Dude, were you trying to get him off you? ‘Cuz if my baby momma said that to me, I can guarantee it would be a good 2 weeks before I could get an erection again.

  14. Thanks to the Big Z, we now call people wore instead of whore, because she told us she wanted to watch the “Clone Whores” instead of Clone Wars.

    Also, eff salad sandwich is a really great thing to yell when little kids are around. Creative swearing is my favorite.

  15. hmm

    Most of mine contain the word fuck. fuktards, fukwits, ….I just like the word fuck! its fucking fucktastic!


  16. Ah, the mushroom stamp! Big fan. Of the word, not the action. I use “kitten killing” for jacking/jilling off. As I’ve seen the graphic around your site, I know you get that one.

    I had something else, but all the tax work pushed out the funny. I might have to come back….

    Oh, oh, oh!! I remember (like how you’re just getting my random thought stream?). Have you seen the article where a grandmother wrote in to an advice column concerned that her grandson wanted to go to the pool to check out the “camel toads?” Hilarious!

  17. Not as sneaky as your two examples but my roommate in college would always combine two bad words together to make an even more powerful word. My favorite example of this is when he yelled “Motherbitch”.

    Something I’ve enjoyed doing recently is to incorporate some spanish into my swears. I’m more likely to swear in spanish then in english. My favorite phrase so far has been “What the pinch?” Changing the spanish slang word pinche (adj: to fuck).

  18. Dearest Aunt Becky: You need to get a copy of Creative Cursing. It’s a flip book, one side is dirty words, and the other is everyday words. Twat muffin is my favorite!

  19. I have a lot of jerk holes on the road in the morning. . .

    My grandfather was a minister, and when my father was a kid, he and his brother would amuse themselves while Grandpa was preaching by opening the hymnal to a random page, and whatever the title of the song was, they’d add “under the bed.”

  20. I am so sad that I have lived my life never knowing the beauty of a meat curtain. My favorite term these days tends to be “ass hat” but everyone’s heard of that. Also? Anything with “nugget” in the title qualifies as dirty in my book.

  21. Ahh, creative cussing for mixed company, now that I can relate to. I have no idea where my husband came up with it, but we always let out an exasperated “mother fudgebucket” around here instead of the real thing. I’m sure we have more, but my sleep-deprived brain isn’t coming up with anything good right now. Fun reading today!

  22. Off to read your post that you think you could get in trouble for.

    I have a “toy” review that I’m trying to find a way to write without hubs wanting to throw my laptop off the deck.

    I should totally be on your blogroll. WAAAAAAAHHHHH!

  23. Meerkat Mountains

    It means… uh… I’m not sure there’s a delicate way to put this… tittie fucking. Yeah, we’d been drinking, it was late, and the Discovery Channel was on.

  24. This has got to be one of the best and most educational fucking posts I have read in a long time! It’s full of The Awesome and has me laughing like a loon at my desk at work. I wish I had some gems to share, but alas my brain has not been on that track for a while. I am most certainly going to work on it using these wonderful phrases though and see who knows what I’m talking about.

  25. my personal faves to call people all involve twat. twatmonkey, twatlobster, twatwaffle and twatmonster.

    my friend Nik once described a vajingo he saw as it looking like someone “karate chopped a whopper” and i almost died choking on my vodka tonic.

    feel free to add me to your blogroll after you stop envisioning that one.


  26. I should so get around to making a blogroll. I know it’s antisocial not to have one, but I’m such a fickle blog reader I’m always changing the blogs I read. Every week, I delete some and add some others and it would kill me if someone listed me, then deleted me. Not sure what to do about this.

  27. As teen, I used to call my brother a Butt Nugget. My dad used to flip out screaming, “Do you know what a butt nugget is?” and proceeded to go into great detail. Super hilarious. I still laugh at the thought of it.

  28. First of all, I just love your post. Since laughter is the best medicine, I haven’t felt this good in along time. Keep up the shenanigans. Now there is an old world. I’ve found a great educational video to pass on to your interneteez. Fits in perfectly with this post.

    It’s called:
    A lonely bathroom graffiti penis has a much better time once he’s wrapped up; and so will you.

    It is safe, but NSFW.


    Thank you for all the laughter and bless your wonderful family.

  29. Well, my sister and I used to call each other ‘poop deck’ (or is that one word?)…we did it because it wasn’t *technically* a bad word. We did the same thing with ‘pigment’.

  30. Twatwaffle and asshat are my favorites. My Daver would like to add “shitting dick nipples”. I hate that one. Wow, that’s the most vulgar words I’ve used in one post. Thanks Aunt Becky!

    Oh yeah, and fuckstick!

  31. my most commonly used word while driving is “knobjockey”. Said it once and it fit so well it is now pretty much how I describe any driver not doing what I want them to (which is generally staying the hell out of my way) I try not to say it too often with the kids in the car though…

  32. LMAO!! I love that the Asker’s Rating was 3 stars, and her comment was “oh my goodness.” I wonder who she is and if the answer hurt her virgin ears/eyes. Also, mushroom printing! Haha! I’ve been known to be totally oblivious to innuendos and stuff. So thanks for the explanation. Awesome!

  33. I’m not very creative when it comes to cursing. When I was a kid I called my brother a shitball. My mother freaked out and said, “What did you say?!” “Um, shi-ball?”

    But I do get a kick out of some names, like Dick Button. Now that’s potentially dirty and in a good way. Could be an urban legend but I heard about an exchange student named So Long Dong (Li Ping Shu attended my high school). Some kid in one of my high school classes many moons ago signed his friend’s paper, “Hugh G. Rection.” The teacher kept calling out, “Who’s Hugh G. Rection?” Then she found the student’s real name on the paper and said, “Oh, that’s Rusty.” Naturally I thought of Rusty as Hugh forever after.

  34. Nozzle-knuckle. Much more fun to say than “jerk off” or “hand job” – just listen to that alliteration, baby!

    C’mon, say it with me. Nozzle-knuckle. Nozzle-knuckle. Nozzle-knuckle. My work here is done.

  35. lmao Melissa, I’ve heard ‘blue veined yoghurt trucker’ before too. eeee

    I’ve never heard meat curtains, but I do hear beef curtains … maybe it’s the Canadian way πŸ˜‰

    I still think the Magic Bullet is dirty .. yes, the blender they sell on As Seen on TV … I laugh everytime people talk about how much they love their Magic Bullet.

    Ass muncher’s funny too.

  36. I don’t know how to check a blog roll (new to blogging) but I’d love it if i were on there.

    I didn’t know about meat curtains, but I have been informed. I DID, however, know about mushroom printing. DH says it all the time. Like, in name calling and stuff. ~eye roll~ Leave it to a man…

  37. Twat waffle. Dick bag. Toby (as in Toby Dumbfuck). Bitch wagon. Bitchfacedhookerwhore. Motherpussbucket (thanks to Dr. Peter Venkman in Ghostbusters for that one). Don’t care they all have swears in them.

    And I apparently did not get ‘balloon knot’ until someone above explained it two words. I’m a Toby.

  38. OMG these are freaking HILARIOUS. So many I hadn’t heard!!

    I learned this one playing dirty pictionary about 10 years ago … “dirt star”. This poor guy was drawing this for like 15 mins and nobody had any clue he was drawing a bungus. Do people still say bungus?

  39. douchenozzle, as in your most likely purpose in life would be to fuck up the pH balance in my sensitive and precious vagina. That is the one I save for my true foes. Everyone else is some version of fuck, be they fucksticks, fuckwads, fuckheads, I won’t go on, because this is an exhaustive list.

    BTW, can’t believe I saw Dirty Sanchez up there…..eeww, I threw up a little in my mouth, then immediately went and washed my face. Reflexive, everytime I see or hear that, I just feel dirrrrrrty.

  40. my favorite swears that aren’t swearwords are from tv/movies

    gaylord focker: as in, “you are such a gaylord focker.”

    “Oz-wee-pay”: this is from SNL a million years ago when nicolas cage was playing a character whose name was spelled Asswipe but pronounced “Oz-wee-pay”. as in, “don’t be an Ozweepay.”

    because my oldest is now old enough to tell me not to swear, i can be heard yelling, “SHIITAKE TERIYAKI” when i get mad.

  41. From a household where my husband entertains me but clenching his butt cheeks to a tune, you’d think I’d have something to add, but all of my bests have been posted.

    You people are killing me. How am I supposed to get any sleep now.

  42. I know it as ‘Turkey slapping’

    Makes Christmas dinner all the more entertaining when MPS slaps me with the drumstick and the relatives between 18 and 40 fall over laughing while the kiddies and oldies are all ‘why are they doing it again? Is it a strange Hungarian custom?’

  43. don’t know where it came from but “pig bitch” is one we use quite frequently at our house (specially when we’re having trouble putting something together). and i absolutely love “cum bucket”! been snorting at my desk for the last 10 minutes and getting strange looks from the students :O)

    i have your button on my blog page and i am hoping one day to be as snarky and have the Awesome that you do! you inspire me aunt becky!!!

  44. Well ever since my daughter told me about “blumpkin” we’ve sort of been trying to fit it into every damn situation.

    I don’t get the whole point of that yahoo answerbag. If I want to know what something is, I just type it into a search engine and usually get my answer. I don’t need to make a complete fool of myself by actually submitting it as a question for other people to answer and then laugh at me for it.

  45. I guess this is not so much two perfectly innocent words, but the combination is hilarious none-the-less
    Twat waffle and cunt muffin
    two of my favorite insults ever

  46. Burrito garage. Balogna smuggler is also one of my favs. Also, the Sofa King commercials on SNL are just freakin’ brilliant. “It’s not just cheap, it’s SOFA KING cheap!”

  47. I see your meat curtains and raise you lizard sleeves. (Note: I haven’t actually ever seen your meat curtains. That was just a poker analogy. Oh hell, let the rumors begin.)

  48. I feel like a big loser because I don’t have one of these creative words I always resort to using the real thing. Note to self: come up with something like nut clusters.

    Sadie at heyMamas

  49. So, I just wanna say that “fuck” is my FAVORITE curse word ever!! Its awesome and I’m glad someone else shares my love of the word.

    Except that I’m giving it up for Lent. I’m really giving it up for my mom – because it really bugs the shit out of her when i say it like every other sentence. I wrote about it on my blog. (Which by the way you inspired me to create so thanks).

  50. We like to substitute “goat rope” for the ever-popular “cluster fuck”. My grandfather the sailor also referred to all SOBs as “sons of sea cooks” (as they didn’t stay, their sons would be bastards children).
    We also entertain ourselves by substituting “kitteh” for the profane word in any expression: kitteh-hat, kitteh-hole, jack-kitteh, mother-kitteh. After a while we tend to get confused. πŸ˜‰
    When all else fail it’s “mother-fucking fuck-fuck – don’t say that!”

  51. ‘fingerling’ from my hubby.

    as in potatoes, but also you know, what it sounds like.

    So, do you what fingerlings with that?

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