There I was, sitting in my homeroom, trying to see how quickly I could write “Becky Rules” on my desk without being caught, when the teacher said, “Now kids, it’s time for us to meet our new teacher. It’s Officer Malone!”

We were enchanted. A real cop. In OUR presence! Not arresting us or even asking who had spray painted “STC Suckz!” on the playground (it was Jimmy).

He spoke.

“Welcome to DARE!”

(cool, I thought, DARE sounds awfully kicky! Like a superhero or something)

“Do you know what DARE stands for?” he continued.

(no, no I didn’t.)

“Drug Abuse Resistance Education!”

(well, I thought. That sounds RIDICULOUS. That barely even makes sense)

I opened my mouth to tell him so when I realized he could probably arrest me for insubordination. I shut my mouth and tried not to roll my eyes.

“From now on, we’ll have this box,” he gestured to a box in front of him. “To allow you to anonymously report any suspicious activity you’ve seen.”

(Wait a minute, I thought. Now we’re narcs?*)

We went on to learn about drugs. I was, for the first time in years, fascinated. You mean these drugs CAN MAKE ME SEE SHIT THAT’S NOT THERE? COLOR ME IN!

Week after blissful week, we learned about drugs and their effects. For the first time ever, I took judicious notes.

I can successfully attribute DARE to what I like to call “The Lost Girl Years.” Because who DOESN’T want to see shit that’s not there? Or feel blissfully happy? Or SEE SHIT THAT’S NOT THERE? Jesus wept.

I learned later that they disbanded DARE because a) it didn’t work and 2) it made a fuckton of kids (including Your Aunt Becky) WANT to do drugs.

This is why I was surprised when my son brought home paperwork from The New DARE which is called something like, “We’re Not DARE,” or “DARE V2.o,” or “We’re SO Not DARE, Please Don’t Cut Our Funding.”

I wonder how long The New Dare will be a part of the curriculum before it’s proved to cause a new generation of kids to snort toilet bowl cleaner or linked to zoophilia or something.

And I can only hope that my kid doesn’t try to turn me in for gratuitous overuse of the word “fuck.” Because I would be SO busted. Because really, who wants their kid to become a narc?

Answer: NOT ME.

*My parents were hippies. I knew what a narc was before I could shit in the toilet.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

31 Responses to Tales of a Fifth-Grade Narc

  • Ewokmama
    Twitter: ewokmama
    says:

    They scared us off by showing us pictures of fucked up lungs, faces eaten by cancer, and all kinds of other shit. That was in elementary school. No way was I touching that shit!

  • Lauren Elyse says:

    I was a kid who didn’t understand how DARE was supposed to make me not want to do drugs. I learned all the proper names, all the street names, how to use the drugs, and all the amazing things drugs could do!

    I think I learned more about how to do drugs than I did why you shouldn’t.

  • ErinInFL says:

    My dad was a teacher who helped with Dare. Ironic since he is a former hippie who was at Woodstock and still smokes pot. It definitely doesn’t work but his involvement got me out of a ton of speeding tickets!

  • kadield says:

    The only thing I remember about DARE in school was that the cop was really, really hot. I blame DARE for my sexual perversion for being handcuffed and men in uniform.

    Don’t do drugs kids, or you’ll wind up being handcuffed to a radiator, beat with a nightstick by a hot, half naked cop…..mmmmmmm…..

  • Heather Hurd says:

    I was such a goody goody that I LOVED Dare. I had a Dare t-shirt. I prided myself on lording my knowledge of how BAD drugs were over everyone on earth. I was a Dare geek. Oh god that’s embarrassing.

    • You are not alone! I was also SO ‘above the drugs’. I swear I was the only kid DARE worked on. Maybe having it in elementary school [5th grade, a bit earlier than many people it seems] just scared the crap out of me?!

  • Yo Mama's Boyfriend says:

    The BAD thing is that here in NC, they are still doing the stupid classes. I sent the principal of my kid’s school an email about it, and she basically said “ummmm….we wouldnt pay to do it, but it was FREE”.

  • Meg says:

    Oh DARE…good times. I was on my way to party (well an AFTER party..we were pretty much already high as kites) with my boyfriend and a few of his friends. We ended up getting pulled over for a broken tail light. Long story short the car still smelled an awful lot like we were hauling a skunk around so I got a free pat down..by my high school DARE officer. Awkward much.

  • Melissa says:

    Damn, I never knew what it meant. All I knew was that people drove around with bumper stickers that said DARE to keep your kids off drugs. Since I didnt have kids I figured I could do them all I wanted. No wonder my 20’s are a blur.

  • Haven says:

    I use to love my DARE program. I remember being all “No! I’ll never do drugs. Not me!” I’m 30 years old and I can say I’ve never done drugs. Of course alcohol doesn’t count (I may have a bit of a drinking problem). Ok, maybe I smoked week once in high school, but I felt SUPER guilty about it. All in all though, I think DARE did an alright job with me.

  • FNJerzeeGrrl says:

    The DARE officer at my son’s school routinely showed up completely obliterated from his morning fifth of booze, or whatever they sold for cheap at the ShopRite Liquors down the street.

  • Hope says:

    Weirdly, the DARE program at the school where I taught taught me about advertising tricks to make MickeyD’s hamburgers look extra-scrumptious. ‘Course by the time I became a teacher, I’d left all those “experiments” behind.

  • Jenn says:

    As an awesome side note. The cop that taught us DARE got busted for a grow operation in his basement a few years back.

  • Jax says:

    I used to have a bumper sticker that said DARE…..Drugs Are Really Expensive. Best bumper sticker EVER! Well, maybe not the best….but right up there with “You’re just jealous because the voices in my head only talk to ME.”

  • Jonah Gibson says:

    My first exposure to the drugs was thanks to a Benedictine monk who brought an actual spliff into class one Monday after he had spent the weekend lurking around State and Halstead Streets in Chicago looking for his long-lost alcoholic, drug addicted, musician father. He didn’t even say anything specific about it, but somehow it came off as the single most frightening thing I had ever seen in my 15 years of existence. It took me six years to work up the nerve to try one for myself. The same monk took us to a convent one weekend and introduced us to a gaggle of novitiates who were wearing sheath skirts, black hose, and heels. They were the hottest girls I had ever seen up to that point. It took me six years to work up the nerve to ask a pretty girl out on a date. I didn’t appreciate the parallel of the six year waiting period until just now – almost 50 years later. I’ve always been a little slow on the uptake.

  • Emmerson says:

    Who else remembers just suffering through D.A.R.E for the card that would get you free fries at McDonalds? Sweetest part of that crap.

  • Stephanie says:

    Ah yes, DARE, what a fucking joke. (I’m from Wheaton, so we probably had the same officer). But did you have to learn the DARE song and perform in in front of the entire school when you graduated from DARE?! That’s right there is a song…with choreography. I though it was lame in fifth grade and am still embarrassed by it today….

  • Jenn says:

    DARE shirts were the thing to wear whilst getting high. We thought we were SO ironic. The thing only thing I really remember about the DARE program itself is how much I hated doing the skits.

  • Liz says:

    I am of exactly the wrong generation for DARE. Now they’re trying to seduce my kids. Luckily they seem to be all into the skits and songs, but they’re still young yet and haven’t learned to truly hate and do exactly the opposite of what they’re told. That’s for when they become teens.

  • Grace says:

    I just barely missed DARE when I was in elementary school. I think I was probably in Jr High when it started up in my town. I’d watched my dad destroy his life with drugs, so I probably would have been a DARE geek as well. I’m still totally opposed to most drugs, but how funny is it that I’m actually a proponent for legalization of marijuana! I still wouldn’t smoke it, but I think it would cut down on a TON of drunk driving accidents since most stoners don’t want to leave the house unless they’re getting munchies. LOL

  • Woah… DARE flashbacks!! Our DARE officer was actually kinda badass! But she got fired after she was caught making out with her girlfriend in the school bathroom. Damn Catholic schools felt lesbians were evil.

  • Gia says:

    Oh DARE. I learned WAY more about drugs from DARE than real life. I was a dorky kid, but at least I could pretend I was a cool drug user, with all my DARE education.

  • Elizabeth says:

    The thing I remember about DARE was the ridiculous definition of a drug “any substance other than food that affects the way the mind and body works”. Really? How does one define food? What’s the difference between spinach and marijuana exactly? I wouldn’t classify carbon dioxide as a drug but it can affect the way the body works. Stupid program and their stupid definitions. Gah!

  • Suze says:

    I remember having to watch a video of a guy with mouth cancer. Totally grossed me out.

  • Olivia says:

    You said they have a new DARE program? Well apparently my county is waaaayyy behind I’m 18 and went through dare 3 separate times in 5th 7th and 10th grade and it was exactly as you described it here’s what drugs are what they do how to use them and what they’re called.

  • Sara says:

    By DARE you mean “Drugs Are Really Excellent” right?
    I didn’t realize they had done away with it, even though I know it doesn’t work what so ever!

  • joemmama says:

    Oh and I thought it stood for Drugs are Really Expensive…..silly me

  • Pingback: I Think My Dad May Possibly be Lying to Me | Adulthood awaits… Flee.

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