Go Ask Aunt Becky

Aunt Becky Mommy Needs VodkaDear Aunt Becky,

Hypothetically, let’s say you have an obese ‘friend’ (more than acquaintance, not BFF’s). You see something that you think would interest them because of their size, like a show or a blog. Do you tell them about it knowing they’ll make the connection to their size? Or just keep it to yourself?

*whistles* Oh Prankster, this question seems positively fraught with peril.

My dad gave me two pieces of advice (he’s given me WAY more than that):

1) “Put on some goddamned pants, Rebecca.”

3) Don’t ever talk shit about the in-laws, ask if someone is pregnant unless the baby is hanging out of their vagina, or bring up weight.

Recently, I got a PR pitch, something that rarely happens to me because I swear a lot (because swearing = awesome), so I was a little flattered. This company was offering me free plus-sized clothes.

Awkward.

I’m not plus-sized. I don’t know that you’d know what I weigh or what size I wear by reading my blog or anything, but this was a little…awkward. It didn’t hurt my feelings or anything. I mean, I’m more offended when someone expects me to jump up and down for a $5 box of chocolates, but if I’d gotten the pitch when I still losing the baby weight? I might not have liked it. No, scratch that, I’d have cried. I was really sensitive about it.

So, I don’t know that I can tell you what you should do since I don’t know you or her or your relationship to her, but I’ll tell you that I ignored my dad’s first rule (pants are bullshit, after all), but I do try and follow number two. Unless she’s asking you for referral, I think this is better left alone. Hurt feelings aren’t easily mended.

Pranksters? Advice?

Dear Aunt Becky,

The night I was born, my mother called my father at 1am in the morning saying “This baby will not go to sleep!” And I basically haven’t slept ever since.

Quite literally from the day I was born, I’ve been an insomniac. Actually, even worse than an insomniac, I’ve been a nocturnal insomniac. A term I’m 20% certain I made up, meaning I’m about 99% more likely to have luck falling asleep during the day than at night. No matter how exhausted I feel during the day, the sun goes down and suddenly I’m wide awake. I’m not sure if I’m a vampire or an opossum, but either way, it’s ANNOYING!

I’m 20 1/2 years old and this thing has been messing up my life my. whole. life. I would rather like to NOT go through the remainder of my life feeling like a zombie. As I have everyday of my life thus far. And sleeping pills are NOT the answer! So speaking to a fellow insomniac and fellow merry pranksters, are there any magic tricks I can try or voodoo people I can see? Because my internal clock really needs to be reset.

Sincerely,

Sleepless In A City Other Than Seattle

Oh Prankster, my Prankster, I’d love to churn out something flip and witty and coy about insomnia, but I can’t because I haven’t slept properly in weeks.

Like you, I’m nocturnal. I’ve spent thirty years trying to reverse this. Thirty years trying to fit into a world that doesn’t operate on my schedule. And you know what I’ve learned? I can’t.

I also go through cycles where sleep doesn’t come no matter what I do. Insomnia is a wily bastard. I have no doubt that someone like Heath Leger, who reportedly suffered insomnia, was just trying to get some freaking sleep.

As for curing your insomnia, I wish like hell I had anything of substance to offer you. I write (in my head) when I can’t sleep. I take sleep aids. I’ve tried a bedtime routine and chamomile tea and candles and visualization and meditation and relaxation and exercise and sex and melatonin there’s nothing that’s much helped me. I’m a shitty sleeper.

Tonight I’m certain I’ll be up with some catchy commercial jingle in my head because it’s not bad enough that I can’t sleep – I have to hear the Turn The (fucking) Tub Around song while I lay in bed watching the minutes tick by growing more and more irritated with each passing second.

Maybe I’ll catch you on IM sometime.

Pranksters? Any advice for Sleepless and Your Aunt Becky?

So, Pranksters, I have a Go Ask Aunt Becky question up over here and it’s about cosmetic surgery. As in: what would you tell your daughter if you were going to be getting a boob job? I haven’t been able to look at the comments because I’m terrified that I’m being shredded in them. Plastic surgery, it seems, is one of those things that people get very up in arms about.

And, as always, please feel free to pick up where I left off in the comments. I’ll be interested to hear what you have to say in response to all of these questions. Because, obviously.

Blah, blah, blah, BLOGGIES.