The January Theme for Band Back Together’s Bringing Happy Back Project/Make 2011 My Bitch is “Looking For Small Things To Make Ourselves Happy.”

I’d petitioned for “Kicking Things In The Crotch,” but was vetoed. AGAIN. SIGHS.

There are many small things that make me happy. Rocks, for example are small and make me happy. So do snails. Because they’re fucking cute.

But what made me extra-Happy-Dance-Booty-Shuffle-Around-The-House-After-I-Stopped-Laughing kind of happy was this:

See, after I’d gleefully showed you that my soul does, in fact, look like an Epic Fucking Wolf (also: Adam has a pretty lady hand), I’d gotten a comment from Dustbag saying that if I read all of the reviews on Amazon for something called a “Three Wolf Shirt,” he would buy me this Epic Fucking 3 Wolf Shirt.

Now.

How could I resist a shirt that would cure cancer? And baldness? And WORLD FUCKING HUNGER?

This shirt simply had to be mine, Pranksters. It had to be!

My migraines could vanish! My laziness would be a thing of the past! Why if I could simply own this shirt, I would be a SUPERMODEL with MY OWN REALITY SHOW! (side note: I do not want a reality show) No longer would I have to suffer in mediocrity any longer!

I WOULD BE A FAMOUS BLOBBER AT LONG LAST!*

MOVE OVER, DOOCE! AUNT MOTHERFUCKING BECKY AND HER EPIC 3 WOLF SHIRT WERE GOING TO TAKE OVER THE BLOB WORLD!

So I read the reviews, and Dustbag, Dustbag knew what the fuck he was talking about. HILARIOUS. I told him so, as I scrounged up loose change from under the dryer and behind the couch so that I too could become one of the pack. I didn’t actually assume Dustbag would follow through on his Offer Of Awesome.

But he did. On Saturday, bright and blurry, this wee nugget of awesome fell into my inbox.

And now, now I know my destiny involves this Epic 3 Wolf Shirt.

I wonder not if, but WHERE I should get the matching tattoo. And who can possibly put together a new Wolf-Themed Blog Design. And if it’s too late to rename my kids “Canis” and “Lupis.” I wonder if I should change my name to Mommy Wants Epic Wolves. Or what I will do once I conquer the Internet with my Wolf Pack.

What I do know, is that in addition to my “Thinking Hat,”

I’ll be wearing this when I blog (You may want to put on sunglasses, lest you be BLINDED by the AWESOME):

My only complaint is that it’s not bedazzled.

When I was nearly burned by the awesomeness of the “Order Now” button, I saw this. And I think I may have to buy it. For special occasions, like when my Epic Wolf shirt is being washed (twice a year):

*the next time I get a blobber asking me how to be a Famous Blobber, I am simply pointing them to the Epic 3 Wolf Shirt.

There comes a time in every blobber’s life when you wipe the Pringles crumbs from your shirt, slurp the rest of your soda down and say, “Blobber-self, it’s time that I look deep within myself and find my soul.” Maybe you will have some mystical music playing or something because I feel soul-finding should have some Enigma or something playing (I don’t own any, but I may have to buy some).

Then, if you’re me, you spend a good bit of time wondering what your soul looks like. Mashed potatoes? Peas? Barry Manilow? A mashed potato sculpture of Barry Manilow? The possibilities are both endless and frightening.

This, however, this is epic.

Meet Adam. He’s also Avitable. And my BFF. Here we are in Vegas.

Adam and I decided that it was Time To Search Our Souls and find our Spirit Animals. I was scared. He held my hand.

We found the perfect person to guide us! Erial “meditates and tunes into you” to “get your unique essence”, and once he “gets an aspect of your celestial self”, he will transform a normal photo into a Celestial Soul Portrait!

This, Pranksters was a win! I needed something unique for a VD-Day Card (I’m too lazy to send out Christmas Cards) and this? This was just TOPS. So we anxiously sent off our questionnaires and waited.

Finally, the day come and I tore open my email and this is what slipped open.

The most beautiful souls on the planet:

Apparently, THAT is what our souls look like. And THAT is our Spirit Animal.

Pranksters, which one of you is going to buy me an Epic Wolf Shirt to go along with it?

Photo courtesy: AngiePangie