Yesterday, everyone freaked out as the Great Storm of 2011, SnOMG made it’s way towards the Midwest. I was reminded of the Great Hamdemic of Aught Niner. I was one of the lucky ones felled by the Swine Flu (I actually ended up SUING it at the People’s Court. I won. No, seriously. I did.) (I owe my victory to I Eat My Kids Snacks.)

I remember laying around in a sick, feverish haze, watching Dexter – hating Lila – drinking buckets of Delsym when I saw on the Panic! section of the news, they’d interviewed a cat. A fucking CAT. A cat that had the swine flu.

Now, that brings up so many more questions than it could ever answer.

7) Where did that cat come from?

13) Was the cat actually a dog?

19) Did that news anchor go home and cry because she hadn’t gotten straight A’s in Journalism School to live her life interviewing animals?

23) Why would anyone care?

And now I have one more question:

31) Where was that cat during SnoPocalypse 2011?

All week, all I heard was “put on some fucking pants,” (my family) and “ZOMG STORM ZOMG” (the Internet) and I couldn’t help but wonder: was this going to be another HamDemic?

Yesterday, I sat, waiting for SnoGasm2011 to turn me into a Popsicle*, I felt kinda…unprepared. I mean, I had some candles somewhere (probably) and a flashlight without batteries somewhere else, and I even had some bottles of water. I went as far as to charge my phone as the sky remained bright and clear. SnoPocolypse 2011 seemed…a bit dull.

But Twitter hit a fever pitch. I’m not even sure anyone on The Twitter was actually in any areas affected by SnoTorious BIG.

Begrudgingly, I checked the weather.

Well, that looked mighty impressive. Especially since I live in the middle of the two arrows.

Why, those arrows made me want to get some cardboard and write THE END IS NIGH and run around my neighborhood screaming about the end of days. Or, at the very least, maybe find something to eat. Arrows make me hungry.

After I looked at the arrows, then sadly at my microwave, and back at the arrows again (microwaving is an awful lot of work!), I got that old familiar DING sound. Had I just won another 10000000$ from a Nigerian Relative? COULD IT REALLY BE? OH HAPPY DAY!

Frantically, I checked my email.

Oh. No. Not money. It was an email from the school district (BOO) telling me that school was being let out 45 minutes early (DOUBLE BOO) and canceled for the following day (TRIPLE BOO).

Apparently, those arrows did not make other people hungry.

It took many hours for the snow to begin. When it did, I checked the weather again.

Oh. So. Now we had 50 MPH winds, snow, ice storms, blizzards, and floods? Where were the plagues of locusts and cats and dogs living together in total anarchy?

But wait. The End of Days may have been upon us, but I was more concerned about one thing: that map had no arrows! It was just a map with blue stuff on it. This was not a map befitting the Storm of the Century. I mean, we had ThunderSnow!

I had to step in.

Well that was a little better. The arrows added a little something to it. But it was snowing AND thundering AND flooding. This map did not do SnotoriousBIG 2011 justice!

PHEW. This map is a little more impressive. When you add a skull-and-crossbones to anything, it’s WAY more hardcore. Plus, DANGER and NO with a line through it? This map is practically OSCAR-worthy.

It was missing something.

But…what?

PERFECT. It’s now a FESTIVE LET’S! PANIC! map befitting the end of the world in the Great Blizzaster of 2011. This map was getting pretty awesome!

It’s only missing one adorable thing. My fake dead cat, Mr. Sprinkles!

Why, that crazy fake cat gets into everything in a wily, yet adorable way!

Screw blogging. I’m going to make MAPS. Festive ones that SCARE people in a decidedly ADORABLE way.

79) What flavor would I be? That question will keep me up all night.