Aunt Becky: “So I’ve decided that I’m not really a Cancer. I mean, I was born UNDER DURESS, many weeks early. The doctor says that I busted my way out of the amniotic sac somehow. I’m now a Leo.”

The Daver: “Can you do that?”

Aunt Becky: “Spoken like a true Virgo, Daver.”

The Daver: “I mean, does it really matter to you that your astrological profile doesn’t fit you? You’re not even INTO astrology.”

Aunt Becky: “Okay, so Cancers are all supposed to be in the kitchen and making fucking motherfucking PIE for you and all crying into their pies about how they FEEL and blah, blah, blah even the INTERNET knows that I need a stunt double to cry. I mean, Cancers are all about feelings and crying and they’re all moody and shit. Do I look like I’m getting my bitch ass back to the kitchen for you?”

The Daver: “Heh. No.”

Aunt Becky: “Okay, then. So we can agree that I am not a Cancer?”

The Daver: “Absolutely.”

Aunt Becky: *does a little dance*

The Daver: “I didn’t realize this was bothering you for so long.”

Aunt Becky: “I don’t cry into my pies and I barely have feelings and it’s always made me wonder if I was just a lousy judge of personal character. A Leo just makes more sense.”

Aunt Becky: “While we’re at it, can you call me Princess Grace of Monaco instead of Becky? It’s just such a DRAB name.”

The Daver: “Whatever, Princess. Oh! I took your birthday off as a “floating holiday.”

Aunt Becky: “Well, it IS a holiday. It’s my fucking birthday, yo. It should be a national holiday.”

The Daver: “Clearly.”

Aunt Becky: “I should probably write to Congress and tell them to make July 15 a National Holiday. Then I can call the Zodiac people and tell them that they need to make an exception and make me a Leo.”

The Daver: “Clearly.”

Aunt Becky: “I’m all over this, Daver.”

The Daver: “You go get ’em, Tiger. Or shall I say, LION.”

Aunt Becky: “That’s the spirit!”

*sprints off warbling Eye of the Tiger*


Last day to enter my contest, Pranksters!

94 thoughts on “Sympathy for the Devil

  1. Maybe you were actually born too late – and you’re whatever sign comes before cancer. I don’t actually know the signs, and am too lazy to spend 30 seconds googling the information, but I’m obviously right about this.

  2. Okay, this is going to sound slightly geeky, but I once read somewhere that since there are actually an average of 365.25 days each year (leap year, you know), traditional astrology is actually totally screwed up, since what would have been July 15 thousands of years ago is probably now like June something.

    That made more sense in my head, but what I’m trying to say is, you’re totally right. Science has proven it so. You are leo, hear you rooooaaaar!

  3. I was a slow asshole baby and didn’t want to come out.. so I was late… I used to insist I was a Pisces… but I’m sooooooo not…

    If you were a Leo instead of a Cancer it would explain why I love you so much though… I don’t like Cancers as a general rule- whiny bitches!! lol

    Lion eats crabs for breakfast!!! bahahahahahaha- wait… that kinda sounds a whole lot dirtier than I meant it to… my bad

  4. Not to get all technical and crap, but it’s not just your sun sign that you should keep in mind. You should also check out your rising sign and your moon sign ; )

  5. I’m a cancer, and while I do not bake, I’ve been known to cry into my spaghetti. Cancers are also moody, which is kinda you I think, but may just be the estrogen talking too.

    I’m not sure I qualify as a whiny bitch, but I’ve got exes who would be happy to argue the point.

    Lurve you either way. 🙂

  6. Hmmm, you def gave me something to think about today. I was born July 14 (knuckles to my fellow summer b-day friends) and never realized Cancers were supposed to be moody. I certainly am NOT (no talking to the hubby who would definitely disagree after last night’s meltdown, er, conversation) and never have been. In fact, I was once accused of being emotionless and stoic. I mean, I was 2 weeks early being born per the dr. going on vacation (Mom laid the blame directly on him). So, can I be an honorary Leo?? And do I have to give up my Ruby birthstone if i do??

  7. I was born on July 14th, which is awesome because it is Bastille Day in France – an entire country celebrates beheadings on the day of my birth! (That may not be how the French see it, but I like my interpretation better than the one about the symbolism of storming the Bastille during the revolution blah blah blah).

    I feel the need to defend us Cancers, so I’m going to buck the trend of agreeing that you’re more of a Leo – being a Cancer is awesome, and I think you fit the bill. We’re not all about the domestic, but can be quite creative (can I point you to your blog as evidence?), caring (your kids aren’t being raised by wolves…are they?), and while we can be moody (uh…) we also have that nifty hard crabby coating (do I really need to go on?). Aunt Becky, you might as well drink the purple kool-aid, you’re a Cancer, you just haven’t realized it yet.

  8. As a fellow Leo, welcome to the bunch. And don’t underestimate the grave importance and tradition of ordering takeout. It is a fine art that not everyone can get right. Embrace your inner takeout goddess. The kitchen is a good place to start the worship alter for you Princess.

  9. I was born on July 20th, sometimes that makes me a Cancer but occasionally I see horoscopes where July 2o makes me a Leo.

    I am so not a Leo. I don’t cry into my pies either, probably because I don’t make pies… I think I am an Aries actually

  10. Bex, I’m a Aquarian (born on the exact date the doctor first gave my mom, and it’s the last time I’ve been on time for anything)…and totally ruled by Uranus (he he he). It’s kind of creepy how well it fits me.

    Poor husband doesn’t know if he’s a Taurus or a Gemini. It all depends on which horoscope he’s reading. Some say Taurus ends on May 21, others say Gemini begins on May 21.

  11. So is the Daver a neat freak perfectionist? My husband totally is, he fits the Virgo to a T. My oldest is a Leo, and my baby girl is a Gemini, like me.

    I think that Mea and I have evil twin wars, it seems that the bad attitudes come out in both of us at the same time.

    This year my birthday falls on Memorial Day, so I get a paid day off and a 3 day weekend, it’s pretty sweet, I’ll sign a petition to make July 15th a National Holiday for you!

  12. I am a whiney, crying, pie-making cancer, but I like to think of myself as a Cancer-Leo Cusp or some crap (my mother told me this astrology crap) because I was born July 21st. The reason I’m telling you this is because my birthday? yeah. Totally a NFH. (National F-ing Holiday) as well, so that whole Making your Birthday A holiday Thing, I like to think of as a Leo thing.

    This was a giant run-on sentence of agreeing with you. 😉

  13. I agree with Trista. As a Cancer born July 8th, I have definitely had my crying jags, but I will also tell you to go fuck yourself in a heartbeat, so go figure. I guess that’s the hard outer crab shell.
    I’m not much of a baker, but I do like to cook when not forced to. I do save just about everything sentimental, so I definitely fit that part of the description. I have been unofficially elected the photo archivist of my family, and have boxes of deceased relatives phot collections stored in my spare bedroom. If I ever win the lottery, maybe I’ll have time to sort through them properly.
    So we’re not all whiny bitches. More weepy ones!
    One more thing- mmmmm, pie!

  14. Yo, I’m July 15th too! I am as far from domestic and nurturing as they come. I used to have taquitos and vodka tonics for dinner until I met my cooking-friendly boyfriend. I have some Cancer qualities but not everything fits. Anyway – embrace the crab: we can PINCH. 😉

    1. Weighing in as another July 15th birthday lacking cancer qualities… While I do bake pie, I eat it all myself without tears falling into it and mock the people who aren’t joining me in eating my delicious pie..

      Also, I’m a Chicagoan too, so if there’s a huge joint birthday party, I’m more than in. I’ll bring some tearless pie, and perhaps even share it with you…

  15. My birthday IS a national holiday (July 4th) and it’s mostly awesome (fireworks and I never had to work on my birthday!) but there are bad things too. People always already have plans on your birthday and everyone always remembers my birthday but I suck at remembering theirs so it makes me feel guilty.

    See? I am TOTALLY a whiny bitch! At least now I know I can blame it on my astrological sign. I would consider myself domestic too, but I don’t like pie. If someone gave me pie I probably WOULD cry into it because I’d be wishing it was cake.

  16. I was also born in July and am none of those things that some bored buttwipe used to describe those born under the cancer sign.

  17. gets me every single time – ten out of ten times – I read your blog at work and bust out laughing – OUT LOUD… then every little nosy co-worker is like what? what?

  18. I don’t know about the crying into pies (since I don’t bake either) but Cancers (representin’ yo! July 9 in da house) are generally concerned about their homes and your recent Jyhad on the local flora is definitely a Cancerian trait. Can’t say I am an emo whiny bitch but I am definitely in the stoic camp.

  19. Balls- to- the -wall Virgo!

    Pammy Pam, I agree to a certain degree, but the Queen has to “do things”. All the Princess has to do is her hair (and boink the handsome Prince).

    1. Aunt Becky makes pie by ordering her royal subjects to get their bitch asses to the local Costco to buy her some motherfucking pie.

      Or maybe she just buys frozen Sara Lee. Or Mrs. Smith. Or any of those damn bitches who make nasty frozen pies. No, wait, those require baking. And we all know what happens when Aunt Becky puts shit in ovens…

  20. Me too! Me too! Born June 26th (officially Cancer), 8 weeks early. Shoulda been a Leo.

    But … ummmm … I do make a magnificent pie crust. Like I’d be doing that now with the baybeee. NOT!

  21. My grandmother, my mom, myself, and my daughter are all Aquarius.

    Since it runs in the family I have to assume that it’s the correct sign for me.

  22. Dear Princess,

    It is entirely within your royal purview to have someone make pies and cry into them for you.

    See Royal Orders – Article 42.3B

    Your Loyal Taurean Subject

  23. I happen to be a June 21st baby — Summer Solstice — which means I straddle (oh yes I do) the line between Cancer and Gemini. I’ve always felt that Cancer suited me more, though I’ve never had my bitch ass in the kitchen, and I have NEVER made a pie. If I did though, I would totally cry about my feelings into it, so maybe that’s an accurate description after all.

  24. OMG!!!!1!! Aunt Becky, you share your birfday with my Moms! She is also a disaster in the kitchen but has mastered the crazy emotional crying stuff.

  25. I think you misread – Cancers like to eat pie. They don’t cry into them, because Cancers are all about repression of feelings – can’t let anyone know about your soft underside. And soggy pies are not good eating. I don’t know why you want to be a Leo. Half my family are Leos, and they’re all kind of annoying know-it-alls.

  26. Dude, Erf’s birthday is July 12th and he is SO TOTALLY A WHINY-BABY-CRY-INTO-PIE-FUCKING-CANCER. He’s all full of Moodiness and Broodiness and at 3:00 am he loves turning over in bed to ask me, “Do you still love me?” to which I respond, “Um, duh. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have fucking married you.” And then he asks, “Why did you marry me?” And I promptly respond that I married him for his giant penis. Which, hi? Totally true. And that loving him thing, too.

    Anywho, you are SO not a Cancer. But reading this post made me think of this Lamebook post where someone apparently posted on FaceSpace that says, “Keegan thinks that there’s a new species of crabs because these ones itch a lot more than the ones I had last year” Um, so go Leo! Ha, that made me think of Leonardo DiCaprio in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”. “Say ‘Where’s Arnie!!!1!!’ *batshit crazy giggling*”

    Whoa, tangents. Kthxbai.

  27. I’m a Scorpio, which means we just basically have sex and plot revenge, but not always in that order. We’re sort of the angry whores of the zodiac. I bet Cleopatra was a Scorpio. Leos are pretty kick ass too – most of my friends are Leos. And they’re more about loyalty and ass kicking, which is fine by me, since they can help during my revenge plots.

  28. I am SO a Sag. Fits me perfectly. However, our band mom is a huge astrologer and she says that your birth sign is only a small part of who you are. The placement of the planets the year you were born, as well as what planet was rising and how close you were born to the next sign and blah blah blah, all have something to do with it. And then there’s Chinese astrology…..

  29. I’m a Gemini — completely and utterly. So is my son. My daughter is a Cancer (so you have some good company, as does she). My husband is an Aries.

    And I, too, believe my birthday should be a national holiday. Because obviously.

  30. another july 15th cancer baby no-whiny pie crying here either. although i do like to cook. and i do care about my friends feelings and try not to hurt them. but then i go play some hockey and hit some motherfuckers really hard on the ice and giggle about it afterward yelling “suck it bitches”from the penalty box

    ahem. back to the birthday. my work has some of the awesome because we get our birthdays off (and if it’s a sat or sun, we get to choose another day). so hell ya, my birthday IS a holiday. this year, i’m going to montreal for a bender-ific long weekend for my first 39th. next year, perhaps pranksters in vegas? who’s got bail money?

  31. My birthday is July 14th!

    … I’m totally a Cancer. Although, I seem to be a little less moody/cry-baby as I’ve been getting older. I’m certain I’ll get back to the moodiness/cry-baby stuff one day, though.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *