Strange (under) Currencies
Some days, I really wish that I was a dude, and no, not just so that I could write my name in pee in the snow (I have a feeling the “y” would be the hardest thing to get out there, but this is neither here nor there). I’m not trying to be all dramatical and like, oh em GE, Internet, I HATE women, I’m ONLY friends with men because that’s SO missing the point.
But seriously, I think that men have something on women when it comes to dealing with (quote, unquote) issues. You pop each other in the jaw, then you shake hands and have a beer: it’s done.
I only wish that this was the way that I could solve things. It beats the shit out of talking behind each others’ back, playing fake nicey-nicey at social events and commenting passive-aggressively about each other on Facebook.
(Status Update: Of course you’re “Hermione” because you’re bookish and annoying.)
It seems that no matter how hard I try to bring issues, problems and misgivings out into the open, nobody wants to address them. Suddenly, I can’t pin them down, or they respond in an equally passive-aggressive manner. Working on solving anything (including things that *I* have done and am ready to own and apologize for) becomes as easy as nailing jello to the wall.
So rather than actually resolving and moving past, it’s a clusterfcuk of swirling undertows whenever I see these people. Better not bring up this or that; best shut your mouth and smile kindly. Because bringing up your flakiness or my aggression or that you hate me and yet stalk my blog simply won’t do.
(because we all know stalking someone is just another way to say “I hate you,” right?)
I lost one of my best friends before I got married. She simply stopped returning my phone calls, emails, or the phone calls of anyone else in the bridal party. This was the way she handled conflict, I knew this beforehand, but I had hoped that our friendship meant more to her than just cutting me off.
I still don’t know what I did, but I wish that I’d had the ability to at the very least defend myself, apologize for whatever I’d taken a crap on, and parted ways on better terms. Then, 4.5 years later, I wouldn’t be stuck wondering. I still consider sending her a Christmas Card every year, and maybe that’s just what I should do, because what do I have to lose?
(answer: nothing)
Maybe this will be the year that I reach out again. Or maybe I won’t. 50 million Tibetan Monks don’t give a shit.
Maybe I just need to work on my sucker punch and call it a freaking day. Besides, being punched in the face would give me a good excuse to have a drink**.
—————–
How do you handle conflict?
**WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?!
I have big plans for conflict that always fizzle out in the end because I’m a total wuss. Also, I don’t like yelling. Sends me back to a bad place in my childhood that I’d rather keep blocked thankyouverymuch.
Yelling totally blows. I avoid it whenever possible.
How I handle conflict is greatly dependent on whether I see a need to continue or foster a relationship with the individual. The folks I care least about generally need to worry most about the can of whoop ass I can open at lightning speed should they piss me off. If you’re a company who’s sold me a crappy product or service, you must be forewarned as well. I have no problem demanding what I paid for and that, if handles incorrectly, you will give me MORE than the value of what I paid in exchange for being a horse’s ass.
It’s always harder when it’s people I need to maintain some sort of connection to because of my work or my kids. You never know when you’re going to need someone. Also, never piss off a waitress or a mechanic until AFTER they’ve served your food and/or finished with your car. Trust me on that one.
As a former waitress, I agree heartily.
I had a really close friendship that fell apart like that too, with her getting all passive aggressive and cutting me off, and me twisting myself in knots trying to figure out just WHAT the HELL she wanted from me.
I’m more of a, “if you’re pissed off at me just tell me, we’ll talk about it, and then it will be DONE” kinda gal, and she was more “hang onto it and let it grow into some huge resentment that will blow like a volcano and be dumped onto you years later, at the worst possible time and then stop speaking for weeks and refuse to accept an apology” kinda person. Ya. It was ugly.
Wow. Run on sentence or what?
I’ve learned that I don’t need friends like that. I don’t have the time or patience for the passive aggressive thing, and I don’t need that kind of stress in my life. I would rather talk and have things in the open, but if they can’t (or won’t) do that, then it’s time to let them go.
Their loss, really.
I can’t wait to get to that point. You’d think after 4.5 years, I’d be kind of over it. And I am. But I just…want to know why.
I so miss having more male friends – that was the best part of the military. You could try to whine and be stupid and they looked at you, utterly mystified, maybe asked if you were over it yet so they could just go get a beer already.
It was great training, but not for dealing with the bizarro world of one up(wo)man-mommy-ship.
I’m pretty confrontational, IF someone means a lot to me. If they’re just a passing idiot that I know will blow by, I’ll ignore the petty BS as long as they’ll let me, or until they’re gone and are no longer an issue for me. They know where I am if they care to deal with the situation.
If I care about someone, and value their friendship, I’ll get all up in their face, tell them they mean too much to me for that mickey mouse bullshit, and demand a reckoning. This frequently means my apologizing, which I am ready to do 90% of the time, just as soon as I know where I screwed up.
Of course, my closest group of girls were also military, and I can’t even remember the last time anything petty came between us – it helps that we all live at 500 miles away from each other, I’m sure. It’s the new people I meet every time we move that mystify me. And the constant moving that allows me to tolerate them only as long as I have to, before I move on to a whole ‘nother crop of sketchy people. And by people, I mean people. Some men are just bitches.
I bet the military is good for weeding out all of the bull-shitty people.
I don’t handle conflict well at all. Perhaps this is why my circle of friends is ever-smaller. Which is fine with me. Quality versus quantity, etc.
The older I get, the less good friends I have. I can’t decide if this is good or bad. Or maybe neither.
I’m the hit it head-on type where if someone is pissed at me, I’ll say something non-confrontational, like, “What the fuck is your problem anyway?”
It’s a great conversation starter. I cannot stand the whole not talking thing, so I talk until I get an answer. Depending on how important the person is to me, I’ll put the energy into trying to fix it or I’ll just let it go. If it’s just some stupid-ass jealousy chick thing, I tend to run away.
Did I mention that almost all of my friends are guys?
I always appreciate this in a person, Lola. You know this.
Girl, I’m trying to get a handle on some conflict myself. I say punch something really fucking hard. That is all.
I’m thinking that breaking some plates would help. Smashing the shit out of them, you know?
wow, it’s funny you write this… hub and i were discussing this very thing over the weekend. i would agree with you, generally speaking men are a “let’s have it out, get over it, drink a beer, yea bro” when it comes to conflict. women are bitches. catty bitches. (is that how you spell catty?)
however………….. there are women like me who address issues. i HAVE TO or else it EATS ME ALIVE. if there’s something on my mind, no matter how much conflict it may bring, I MUST AT LEAST ADDRESS IT AND SAY MY PIECE.
hub, avoids conflict like he avoids the plague.
case in point…. dealing with parental units. dealing with friends who offend. a lot of our friends don’t have kids yet, so they don’t understand some of the demands we have on our hands. that’s not any fault of their own, but when some smart ass bud of paul’s gives him shit for coming home after work on a friday evening instead of heading to the bar with the other dickfaces that live around here, paul just turns and heads home and says nothing.
i can never NOT say something… sometimes it works for me, sometimes it works against me. but to answer your question, i handle conflict head on.
let’s start a fight club.
I would happily join your fight club. Undercurrents make me stabby. And Daver is the same way: he can just let things go and not be bothered by it. Me, I’m like, WAIT, can’t you people SEE there’s a problem? Let’s FIX it!
I’m the “let’s talk it out and fix the problem” kind of girl. Although it’s hard when nobody wants to talk about it. Sometimes I get my way and things are fine, other times the other party just pretends everything is just DANDY and goes about her business. That totally annoys me. Women! Can’t live with em and ya can’t wrap your hands around their necks and SQUEEZE really tight…
*HUGS*
I’m a fixer, not a pouter. Although, there are no scarier words than “we need to talk.” Except maybe, “I’m pregnant. It’s not yours.”
I say good riddance to that biatch. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of you trying to reach out to her one more time. She obviously doesn’t deserve it.
But! I would for sure punch something and have a drink or seven. Seven drinks always helps!
Seven is a lucky number, right?
This resonates with me more than ever RIGHT NOW. A friend (whom I would’ve called my best one at the moment) quit talking to me last Monday. Emails, texts, fb messages and a written note later – she is still completely avoiding and ignoring me.
I am calling it a day. I just have to get over it and move on. I don’t know what I did and if she can’t tell me, I can’t fix it.
It’s certainly not the ‘funnest’ answer ever but it’s mine, current and real.
For what it’s worth (read: not much) I am sorry. It hurts.
Bah. 90% of the world exists solely for the purpose of getting in my way.
I have no “former friends”. I merely leave a path of destruction in my wake.
You and Chuck Norris.
I have been friends with my 2 best smart assey girlfriends for the last 14 years, one of these friends even signed my marriage license. All of the sudden about 18 months ago, she dropped out. No emails, no calls, “unfriended” us on facebook, won’t answer a call, vm, email, or text. She has dropped off the face of the world. Other people still see her occaisionally, or people ask us when the last time we saw her was, and it’s all kinds of ackward. My oldest daughter works at the local DQ, and this friend came thru the drive up where my daughter was working, and acted all fakey nice to her, like nothing was going on.
It is just flat out bizarre.
So now we go out, get drunk, and send her “WTF” via text message. We are soooo mature.
That’s fucking crazy. WTF indeed. Why do people do that?
I had the same thing happen to me a few years back. My best friend dropped me like a sack of fucking hammers with zero explanation. A few months ago, I wrote her a letter and told her that what she did was bullshit and I didn’t deserve it. That made me feel A LOT better. I had a bunch of people in my ear telling me that I shouldn’t even bother, but I didn’t do it to grovel at her or beg her to be my friend. I did it so I could feel better about the whole thing. Telling her she was an asshole helped immensely.
I wish I could be one of those chicks that could just shake it off, but I don’t have a lot of really close friends that I care about. She was one of them. It sucked, but on the upside, I’m a lot more careful now about the company I keep.
I think that saying your peace is vastly underrated. Seriously, I have someone that I would absolutely love to chew out. Maybe one of these days, I will.
The way I handle conflict varies from person to person. Usually if I don’t say something and try to have a “dialogue,” it will drive me bonkers.
If you’ve tried repeatedly to make amends and figure out what the root of all the BS is and this person isn’t willing to meet you halfway, maybe it’s time to give up the ghost.
And that facebook status thing? Wowzers.
I think that this is what I need to do. Give up on it. But I’m so TIRED of this.
I am really very lucky to have not had this issue to much. I have to talk about something that is bothering me.. and like wise I EXPECT people to do the same for me. If I piss you off… I want to know.
I get mad… and get over it very easily… it is not in me to hold a grudge… I cannot remember to long enough 🙂
Besides, conflict is one of my biggest pet peeves. Seriously… Drama… who needs it?
I don’t care to hold grudges, either.
I know a lot of women like this….Probably why I have few REAL friends. I get stomach aches and the runs if I don’t resolve things. I mean…seriously…I’m 35 years old and I still get all crampy if my Mom is mad at me….
I feel that too. I really hate upsetting people. How lame am I?
I do not confront anything with my friends. It’s not worth the anxiety and grief that I feel over confrontation. I just let most things go. Anyone who bails me you for no reason (and it has happened two times in my life) is not a friend and not worth my time. . . or. . . there is a story there that will reveal itself eventually. I never let curiosity get the best of me in those situations. I thank the universe for removing an unbalanced person from my life and if they want to float back at some point, I’ll be gracious. If they want to talk, I’m open. If the conflict is with the hubster, I hit it head on though.
This is how Daver approaches things.
here’s two cents worth of free advice: decide if it’s really important. if it is, my measuring stick is two unreturned phone calls and i’m done. i have no desire to chase down people who don’t think *i’m* worth it. because clearly, i am. and not just because clairol says so. if they don’t want to hear my apology or don’t think our relationship is important enough to spend 5 minutes on the phone with me or 5 minutes reading my email, then i need to accept that. i am also not going to continually make someone’s day by letting them fuck with me by refusing to talk and me spending a lot of energy begging.
also, scary words to hear when you’ve been “happily married” (aka given up the will for freedom) for a while include, “See, what happened is…”
I’m pretty sure that I’m just craving some closure. I fucked up somewhere, she got mad, I want to know why. Or do I? I don’t know.
I hear you, Becky! I had the same thing happen to me after my daughter was born. One of my very good friends just quit talking to me/returning my calls/emails/un-friended me on FB and I still have no idea why. I will never understand why people can’t just talk to each other when they have problems.
I wonder this constantly.
I think that you have to pick your battles. I am a very upfront-in-your-face kind of girl, and I think people are both appreciative of that fact, and horrified by it. People usually know where they stand with me, if they don’t…more than likely it’s because they are clueless. I inherited a gene from my Mum that enables me to remove someone heart with words and they don’t figure it out until they’ve completely bled out. Which takes days if I’ve applied the sutures right.
Unfortunately, in regards to friends and family, it’s a mine field. I became quite unpopular when I brought up my MIL’s prescription drug addiction, but IT IS a problem, and when it kills her I will have take no glory in being right.
As far as the friend issue, what’s it worth? Was she a good friend? Worth your time and energy? Is her behavior in regards to “conflict” something you even want to deal with in the future? I think you should send the Christmas card and simply say “Hope everything is hunky dorey with you and yours” and let it go. It’s not like you had some big blow out, or you would know what was eating her…obviously. If you get nothing back, at least you were the better person. One more in your court for winning at LIFE.
We BOTH win at life!!
I am so weird about confrontation. I hate it really. I have always gotten along better with guys because of all the passive agressive bullshit. If something bothers me I will ignore it for a LONG time.
I am only good at telling my husband exactly how I feel. It’s safe and he is not going to judge and be all stupid about it.
I don’t relish confrontation, but sometimes it’s the only way to get over and work through something.
Surely, the “k” would be harder to write?
I handle conflict rather badly, blaming it all on myself, then punishing myself, and then never talking to the other person again, because “surely they hate me”. You weren’t looking for advice, were you?
I have a terrible time wanting to blame myself, too. Some things, of course, ARE my fault. But some have nothing to do with me.
i’m clownshit so i have issues with people anyway. i let everything fester until everyone hates me. but most people know that i’m insane so they usually forgive me. when i hang out with guys, though, i have no issues. even when i hang out with girls with guys, i’m cool. i think pure estrogen must be social poison. add some testosterone in there and everyone is happy. add some alcohol with the testosterone and everyone is REALLY happy.
i also have the weird urge to try to make people laugh or smile when they are upset. like even in extremely inappropriate circumstances. i usually keep “the silver lining” under wraps in these occasions because i don’t want to be institutionalized or beat up. no one wants to hear “at least you don’t have to pay for that home anymore” when grandma dies.
I have to stop myself from doing stand-up at funerals. I get this completely.
I put up with all the crap in the world and hold it in. I’m sure it’s not healthy and that causes me to get trampled on by a few, but oh well. That’s just the way I roll. I may moan and groan under my breath and on rare occasions I’ll say something by sending out an e-mail that blasts everything they have done in the past 20 years and then it’s over. We’re back to being who we were. Annoying one another for the next 20 years until I blow up and rant and rave again.
I think it’s all in what you personally can handle.
I am passive-agressive and indecisive. But on the other hand, I’m not…
I tend to agree with the person slamming me (because all my arguments fly out of my pretty head as soon as someone gets confrontational with me) and then afterward I scream all my arguments into my pillow as I cry a gallon of uber-sad tears. And then, most importantly…. I do nothing about it.
Or I write them a letter… and with my wasp-like tongue and fondness for $5 words, usually means they stop talking to me. I’ve written (and sent) two such letters, and both people stopped talking to me. One of those people was my birth mother – she didn’t talk to me for about four years. However, I usually don’t say anything that I don’t believe isn’t true.
On an unrelated note, our office smells like farts.
My daughter’s butt smells like farts, too!
meh. Facebook is evil.
It’s Of The Devil, for sure.
I’m big on talking things out. If something bothers me and I don’t talk about it, it just builds up inside and drives me crazy. I don’t know why I can’t let things go without telling someone how I feel. (I actually feel sorry for my boyfriend, because sometimes he’s the only one who listens… or at least he’s really good at pretending to listen. 😉 )
I think that so long as someone nods politely when I speak, I’m golden. You don’t have to care or listen, just pretend.
Depends on the circumstances and if the conflict is really worth it. I’m a “talk about the elephant in the room” upfront kind of person and I don’t tend to pull punches, but I do let a lot go because some fights just aren’t worth fighting until I get to a breaking point and then it’s done. I mean sometimes it’s just best to let it go and fade into the back ground because you KNOW the other person will escalate it to no end.
Sometimes I just forgive because I feel like the friendship is worth more than that. Til it’s not.
Case in point? Over the course of a year, I forgave getting left in a bar at 2 am so she could go home with a 55 year old guy, being blamed for her getting pregnant, the snide comments and back handed remarks, making me look easy by association when she hooked up with a guy she’d known for 45 min or so in the parking lot of the bar we were in and sleeping with a guy who I had some serious interest in…But when she told me time and time again that she did nothing wrong and then told me I was being a judgmental bitch for suggesting she shouldn’t put it on the internet that a guy had an achem small package and was crazy, well that didn’t fly. I was done and just stopped talking to her because clearly, things I had said weren’t well received if received at all and there was no use in wasting the breath to do so.
But I’m not afraid of a knock em down drag out good old punch in the face either, I just carefully weigh my choices before doing so. Is it worth being locked up because your “friend†is crazy? Nah… 🙂
Sometimes Fists of Fury to the face resolves it all.
(I’m the hit it head-on type where if someone is pissed at me, I’ll say something non-confrontational, like, “What the fuck is your problem anyway?†)
Totally me. I also have mostly male friends. Plus, I like to rag on people. Hard. Women have too many feelers.
Me included.
What the fuck are feelings?
Ok, so I totally suck at handling conflict. I loathe confrontation, but am quick to apologize if I’ve done something to hurt someone. But..back to the conflict thing. I blame my parents for this. Growing up in a house where issues were screamed at blarring volumes and the silent treatment was given to one another sometimes weeks at a time provided me with little skills for resolving issues.
I know, I know…poor me! I am really sensitive of how my husband and I handle disagreements in front of Jack. Because seriously….and this is sad to admit….I have probably lost friends in the past because I just couldn’t man-up and talk through my feelings.
You just never know what’s going on in someone’s life behind closed doors. What issues they may be harboring, or difficulties they may be working thru. I try to remember that if someone does something that I don’t quite understand.
I am queen of excusing other people’s behavior until I can no longer do so. Because you’re right, you never DO know what is going on with other people.
Wow, Becky – I haven’t seen you in MONTHS (maybe even a year!) and the first social event I see you at over the weekend engenders this blog post??? Should I be taking it personally? I wasn’t aware of any undercurrents swirling under the table, but I tend to be oblivious about things like that.
😉 It was good to see you!
Me, I’m all about the yelling and screaming and then having a beer together when I get pissed off.
Ha! This is ALL ABOUT YOU, Gail. Except no. I think you and I could duke out whatever we were beefing about.
I don’t have any conflict because I don’t really have any friends.
Oh BP, hugs to you.
I had the same thing happen. A friend from high school just stopped talking to me. I have no idea what I did. This was 10 years ago and I’m still wondering. I even tried sending her an email a few years back, no response.
Unfortunately, when I’m mad or upset at someone I show it. I can’t hide it.
It’s weird, I can let some stuff go, but it’s the being dropped out of the blue that kills me.
Send her the card, Aunt Becky. Christmas cards are sufficiently “out of the blue” that while it’ll seem odd, it won’t be completely weird. They’re also an excuse to write the barest minimal sentiment without having to explain yourself, because anyone receiving it will already be in the Christmasy-love-thy-neighbor-holly-and-mistletoe-eggnog- and-cheese platter-sorta mind.
Don’t make the card ALL about how wonderful your life is right now, but don’t bring up the whole situation. Just mention that you often think of her and would love to know how she’s getting on.
In the meantime, you can take up kickboxing.
I think taking up kickboxing is a lovely idea.
Same thing happened to me 3 times. The first was a friend that was trying to get pregnant, I got married and 6 months later got pregnant and she would have nothing to do with me, found out later it was jealousy. She eventuality became pregnant but we never spoke again. The 2nd was a friend from high school, my husband and I started moving up in the world and they were not. When we bought our new house, I asked her over and she said, no I can’t come because it will make me so jealous and I will not be able to stand my house. I never called her again. The 3rd was a friend from
grade school. After her 2nd divorce she said to me, you’ve always made the right choices in your life, and she wasn’t saying it kindly, she then said I need to go off and do my thing (drugs), see you in the rapture. That was it, never saw her again. Never bothered me, those kind of friends I don’t need. When it comes to family, I make sure everything gets talked out, won’t let anything get shoved under the rug. I have a very close family, they are my best friends, the only ones worth fighting for.
Was that too much information??
Not even close to TMI. I’m relieved to not be the only one. Seriously, I feel better already.
I’m a drinker and a manipulator. I tend to work on the subconscious level of retaliation. And if/when that doesn’t work, flat out public humiliation.
I would say I’m not proud of that except that by posting it online, I guess I am. So…funk that.
Public humiliation can work wonderfully sometimes. I’d be proud as hell of that.
Becky, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Totally sucks.
I’ve changed a lot over the past, oh, 10 years. I have a friendship from college, well, two actually, that fell apart. Even though I wish we had been able to deal with it in the open back then, I’m really just kind of “over it” now. Not worth the trouble, you know?
I completely get this.
oh i have similar issues – a friend from highschool didn’t agree with a decision i made about my life, that had nothign to do with anyone but me! so she decided i was a bitch…. now she feels bad about it, i guess, cuz she FB and blog stalks me….
one of my oldest friends won’t talk to me anymore for, i don’t know why. it sucks, but i just kind of let it go.
if it were my sisters or family – it would be all on the table, but if someone else wants to be all catty and ridiculous, i just let them! sometimes, i try, but it always bites me in the ass…
How–seriously now–do you handle being blog stalked, when you know the person not only knows you well, but hates you and wishes you ill?
The 35-45year old rest of playgroup commitee dealt with me (24) by shaking their heads and dismissing what I said with a nervious laugh (what do young mums know about anything). The chairwoman gave me a teacher to child talk about respecting (read agreeing with) my elders. I dealt with the conflict by accidentally letting slip in the playground details of the affair she’d had with a married man (he dumped her and went back to his wife and toddler) not long ago….. To the playground gossip…. Damn, not sure I meant to do that… :p bitch.
You’re my fucking hero. Bwahahahaha!
I deal with it from a distance. I inherited my fathers temper. If major issues are not dealt with from a distance there is a good chance they will be handled with fists, flying chairs, and possibly a flip flop. All discussions are done via phone or at least in seperate rooms.
That admitted – my friends have said that I am the one they would go to if they have a problem. And many of them have. I may have a temper, but I am also a very fair and level headed person. So yeah, at least I have that going for me.
That’s really cool. See, I have a temper too, but a really, REALLY long fuse. I’m not sure I’ve ever exploded at a friend before, although I would if I had to.
I’m a human doormat. I go out of my way to avoid conflict, so eople walk all over me. Occasionally, I explode and when I do, it isn’t pretty. I probably need to read a book on assertiveness, but I’m too timid to check one out of the library…
Aw, Lucy. I’m sorry.
Wow. Really, I have to comend you on your commenting on everyone’s comments!! Impressed am I oh young Jedi! (Sorry, I was hearing the Star Wars theme song in the other room and it just all came tumbling out!) But really, your comments rock!
As for your post, I love to talk things out! And when I say talk things out, that means the giving of the stink eye, the finger flying in ALL directions, loud random words being hurled across the room, the occasional cursing of God for her creation of that human being, etc. You know, all the mature things us young Mom’s are known for.
After that, I go to church, help old ladies cross the street, volunteer my time at a blood bank and help Angelina down at the UN. Yea….right.
I breast-feed crack babies when I’m not cutting my grass with my teeth. Which are pearly white.
The thought occurs to me that your advice column could turn into a collection of womanly wisdom gained from the replied you gather on your blog. They say the “general” wisdom is usually correct and of course the universal experience is much the same from human to human. Maybe there’s a book in there for you.
Being a stepparent has taught me some valuable lessons about learning how to leave the scab alone: Don’t pick at it.
I think we need to be heard, we women. There isn’t anything wrong with that. But I have learned that being heard rarely changes anything and I would rather conserve my energy. People who will not communicate with you suck the life out of you.
I want to hear about what I’ve done wrong, but I am very likely to write you off if you become unreasonable. Walking away unheard is not that difficult when their need to be heard turns into random bitchiness you can’t escape. When it gets to that, you need to drop it. Random bitchiness includes not responding, unfriending, p/a comments in emails or FB and such.
Conversely, I will do something about owning up to my own jackassedness and doing something about it if you really want me to. But you don’t get to sap my energy. Don’t let it get to you, Aunt Becky.
I learn more from my blog people than from anything else. Seriously. You guys rule.
I suck at handling conflict. I have a tendency to take negative things way too personally. That said, I don’t like things to fester and I try to face them head on. It doesn’t always work.
Festering = rot and rot = bad. I’m with you.
Oddly, I’m facing the same situation. My best friend from college was my right hand at my wedding. She wasn’t standing up with me, but she was running the show for me which meant even more than anything else. I made it known that she should have been up there with me instead of one of the girls who was, etc. I haven’t heard from her in 2 years now and I have no earthly idea why. She added me as a friend (after 3 or 4 months) on FB but won’t respond to my posts on her wall, my emails or any status replies. It sucks. No advise, just really hate the passive aggressive BS (does anyone else do the cheerleader thing when spelling aggressive?).
I think I need to learn this cheerleader thing, stat.
I sometimes, apparently, like to stew in a heady broth of my aggression and anger. I stew on a low, simmering heat for far, far too long. Long enough you’d think the broth would just evaporate, but no. I sometimes am what’s referred to as “One who hangs onto crap beyond it’s expiration date.” Then I bring it up – but only at apropriate times, I swear ! – and often don’t get anything resolved, so it’s back to the back burner on low again.
So, yeah, I wish I was a guy, too. My husband apparently has not a care in the world. He can also fall asleep and be snoring like a baby at the drop of a hat. I damn well wish I was a guy for that trait alone!
I find a particularly well timed kick to solve it all.
This is why I could never be a lesbian. Women are crazy!
I think the dueling sets of hooters would make me crazy.
I have no idea how to handle conflict. I’m too excited about your responses in bold! What a nifty little bonus! Shiny!
Hooray!
Ok, so I’m no expert at handling conflict, that’s for sure… but I would prefer to talk it out. It drives my husband nuts, because he would much rather just forget about it if it doesn’t rock his world. This, of course, drives ME nuts. It’s what husbands/wives are for.
Now, I also had a friend “drop” me, but I guess that was because I met and fell in love with my husband and he had secret huge crush on me. Who freakin knew? I tried to amend the situation after I found out, but to no avail. Five years later the guy got himself wasted and kicked out of a bar because my husband and I were there, happily dancing. I’ve come to the conclusion that despite the fact that some people seem cool, they can be secretly not friendworthy (new word for ya). These people probably get off on the attention they get for behaving this way, so I’ve decided that anyone who ever does this to me gets absolutely NOTHING in return. If they’re not grown up enough to talk about it, go blow. I’ve got better things to do. And so do you, Aunt Becky- you have all of us little blog-stalkers to pay attention to… and we, unlike the unfriendworthy person causing you anguish, love ya. Screw’em.
And I love you. I think friendworthy is an awesome word. Almost as awesome as “yankee” which Scrabble, and my spell check, deny is a word. Which…huh?
I tried that punch in the face thing and that bitch would not even look at me at our 20 yr Reunion. I totally should have punched her again!
Honestly at this point in my life I do not care what you say about me, just that you get my name right! If I do something bad, I want full credit!!
Hahahaha! I can totally see that. I want credit for MY suckatude too!
I usually leave the country.
But when that doesn’t work I try and bring it up and cry and sometimes it works. But sometimes it doesn’t. Conflict totally sucks. But friendworthy friends make an effort when you try to resolve things.
That’s absolutely true. And friendworthy friends usually WANT resolution.
Oh yeah. I’d be going nuts wondering what the deal is and want more than anything to be able to say to her, “WTF?” Do you think she has any idea that YOU have no idea what the beef is?
I often wonder if she still thinks of me.
The passive-aggressive bullshit that comes hand in hand with relationships with other women drives me insane. And being the mother of two girls only compounds it when trying to help them maneuver the turbulent waters of girlhood.
I used to play the game until about 5 years ago. Then I was in a relationship with a neighbor Mom whose daughter was friends with my oldest. Her crap was making me crazy and affecting my family. Finally one particular incident broke the camel’s back. We came face to face at a 4th grade “sing” at the elementary school and I just gave her the cold shoulder because I didn’t want to have it out there. Time and place and all that. The next day she called me and at first I was going to play the game but then just decided to have my say and lay it all out on the table.
It felt so good! Our daughters had already gone their separate ways (I had continued the relationship for their sake) and I just decided that I didn’t need the stress having a relationship with her and her husband was causing me. We are still neighbors and over the years have mellowed out a bit. We’ll never be as close as we once were but we are cordial now. I have so much more self respect now because I quit playing the game.
I’m always telling my girls to just be up front and open in relationships. Nothing worse than not knowing where you stand in my opinion.
Not knowing where you stand with someone is torture. Pure torture.
After reading the comments I wanted to chime in a bit more…I had a best friend in high school who, after my wedding totally dumped me too. Out of the blue, she just suddenly stopped talking to me.
I suspect it had to do with me meeting her new boyfriend. He was ranting and raving at her, and being such a complete ass that I called him on it then and there. She never spoke to me again. I always wondered about that, until my 10 yr grad reunion when they showed up engaged, and she was uber-bitchy. I was SO over it after that.
As for the “blog stalking” thing, I have come to the conclusion that if I’m going to be public, I can’t control who reads my blog. It could be my Mom, ex friends, or some greasy large man wearing leather. Who knows? I have been accused of ‘blog stalking’ myself, and it’s not that I wish her ill. It’s that sometimes, I genuinely MISS her. She hates me, obviously. I don’t hate her. I do miss the friendship that we had, and I see now that if we had met in real life, we likely would have never been friends in the first place.
http://cookienotes.blogspot.com/2009/07/robin.html (that story is here).
But women…ya. I don’t have many girl friends, either. Fine by me. Honestly, I have a hard time trusting many of them.
I need to read this story. And you’re absolutely right: because I’m open here, I need to accept fully that anyone, anyone at all can read what I have to say.
Ugh. This is exactly why I have so few female friends… or maybe why I’m pretty introverted in general. But I have to say, as much as it sucks, don’t give up on her– send that Christmas card. She might need a little noodge. I agree with Krissa above, I would want to go up to her and say, “WTF? Do you even realize what you’re doing?” But the truth is… she might not even realize why she did it.
I went through this a few years ago with a friend, someone who I had been friends with for a very long time and counted as one of my sisters. She ended up pushing me away,and hard, for no discernable reason, and I had no idea how to handle it. Years later, her and I rand into each other and had a long, long talk… turns out she was going through a bunch of family issues and depression, didn’t know how to handle it, and just kind of collapsed in on herself for a long time.
Of coure, some people are just jerks, and not deserving of your time, and it takes them acting like a**holes for you to realize it. But I would send a Christmas card anyways this year. If nothing else, you get a warm glow from knowing you’re a nicer person than she is…
I think sending a Christmas card is what I will do this year. I need to reach out. And this is an easy way to do it.
Conflict. The very sand in our vaginas!
I usually just say “HERF DERF!” and bitch about it to my husband. Then I cry, take a hot bath and hold a guinea pig.
And then I figure its no use being upset at the situation and/or person anymore.
I *have* sort of e-stalked an ex or two to skip the bitching at my husband step, though.
Tee hee.
E-stalking exes can be sort of a riot. Especially if they’ve not gone very far.
OK…..I have not read everyones comments. Maybe later 🙂
I myself do not have time, or the patience to deal with everyone’s crap anymore. At 45 I’m sick of it. I got really sick of backstabbing and the “Why the hell do you talk to her?” that I dumped a bunch of people from Myspace. I talk to people who I think are funny. I talk to people who are nice to me. I talk to people who I think need a friend who will listen to them and not judge. I don’t want to deal anymore with people who are judgemental. So I dump them. And then feel guilty as hell!
I get the massive guilt going too. How much more irritating is that?
When I was younger and had The Crazy, I would throw ice cubes. You could get a shatter without getting cut.
I’m a wuss about confrontation but will fret and worry about things till I have an ulcer. Also, have a tendancy to rant and rave but NOT to the involved party. AKA Taking It Out On The Hubs.
Not good, I know.
Kind of in love with the ice idea, actually.
geeze….that makes me sound like a bitch 🙂
i love me again……
You are SO not a bitch.
I hate the hide head in sand, sweep shit under the carpet approach. Am more likely to state how I felt about a person’s behaviour and how it affected me, or prod around for them to say the same thing to me if I can sense I’ve stepped on toes but not sure exactly what I did. This approach does not always make me popular with others as they are wary of my frankness and never know when I’ll be loudly pointing out the elephant in the room, or that the Emperor has no clothes on. Ooops.
The workup before the confrontations almost always brings me heart palpitations and a mild anxiety attack, and I run over my side of the conversation in my head endlessly, but most of the time I do jump in and state my piece. I don’t always get a resolution and I don’t even necessarily get heard, or acknowledged, but after it’s done, I feel like I did my part and can rest easier.
It is SUCH a pleasure to engage in conflict resolution practice with a person who knows the rules, and puts their ego aside to play the game properly. (I trained in this area, and what I discovered is that most people are so bat shit scared of conflict they will pay hundreds of dollars an hour to hire a professional to come sort it out for them [in their workplace at least]). So, it is a rare bird who deals with conflict well. But conflict resolution is just a skill set like any other, and people could learn it and practice it, and then they would find it could change their whole life – certainly improve their relationships, for a start!
I am having major conflict with my BFF right now who is preggers and I am not, in rather difficult circumstances. Fortunately she is also excellent at resolving conflict and working through feelings without getting the hump. So even though right now sucks balls and hurts like hell for both of us, because we are being excruciatingly honest and holding nothing back, it is going to pay big dividends long term and will be what eventually saves the friendship.
Um, why does my two cents always turn out to be more like two dollars??
I would love to take some sort of class in this: learning to effectively engage in conflict resolution.
And please, now I want the $4 comment!
I dont blog because I know there are peeps out there that I wouldnt want reading my blog (but it kills me because I have things to say darn it!), and I am super selective about who my friends are on FB yes I have hit ignore several times for friend requests….if that person wasnt good to me in the past, then they dont get to share in my life now.
These are all valid reasons NOT to blog and I respect that. Sometimes I toy with the idea of another private blog, and the I realize I have no room for more.
When it’s something I’ve done wrong I try to get it resolved as quickly as possible – apologize, air it out, explain myself, whatever. When it’s something that’s been done to me… that’s where I have the trouble. I try to forgive and forget, get over it, be the bigger person. Nine times out of ten, though, I get no apology or explanation and despite my best efforts, I end up being sad or resentful.
It’s amazing how an apology can work magic. Seriously I want acknowledgment and an apology if it’s some great transgression on their part.
Off Topic! How exciting that there is a mistake in my post. Noooo, that isn’t why I came back.
I do the cheerleader thing whenever I have to spell success:
S-U-C-C-E-S-S! That’s the way we spell success! Go Stallions.
I wasn’t a cheerleader, but I remember that cheer.
And now I will work on this cheer to get Dave to mow the lawn. See, if I annoy him enough, he’ll do loud chores to drown me out.
When I was growing up, we handled conflict by ignoring it and not speaking to each other.
I am trying real hard to be an adult.
Even though my sisters still suck.
Being an adult can be a fucking drag.
As my Mom would say, “No one likes a truth-sayer.” And we both are! I like to resolve things by talking them to death. My DH is the opposite and likes to avoid, unless it’s with me. I had a good riend who asked me about her drinking habits, and I told her that I was concerned, but that I loved her and would be there for her. And then *poof* she was gone. I have also had some major verbal drag down fights with my in-laws. In both of those situaitons, my mom was right about the whole truth-sayer thing. But to hell with it, is what I keep telling myself.
Your mother is very, very wise.
Ok – so the aggressive cheerleader thing is much like Caron’s success cheer.
Be aggressive B-E aggressive. B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E! *cheer stance*
No, I wasn’t a cheerleader either, but they were the cool kids so I learned their cheers. Back to my stat book I go. LOL
I am SO doing this when I need Dave to vacuum. I bet it’ll work, too. The vacuum will drown out my shrill voice.
Hopefully.
I learned a long time ago that it is much better to let people show you who they are through their actions, rather than tell who they are/what they think/how they feel.
Aunt Becky, your “friend” is a loser. Feel good that her toxicity is not in your life, or that of your beautiful family’s.
Seriously, when that book comes out and you become even more famous and beloved, lots of people will not be able to handle it.
When toxic people leave your life, they leave room for true friends to enter.
This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.
As someone that was bonr in a female body, lived female for 36 years, I can say you are right! Men are different from women in this area. I know, I have lived both. I can have someone fuck me over at work and have it out with them verbally…then the next week forget about it and go on. That is not to say that I will every trust them again. I just keep my distance but I am respectful and nice and move on.
Being a woman, in my opinion is so much harder. I have to tell you that under the influence of estrogen life sucked. All that back stabbing, interperonal, gossip, bullshit sucked. I cared what other people, especially other women said and thought about me. I was never sure how to go about being firm and addressing a matter vs. being a catty bitch.
Three years later…testosterone has change my body, my brain, and how I look relate, communicate, feel , fuck…you name it.
I am by no means saying I don’t like women but as someone that has lived on both sides of the female/male world….I can say that females have the short end of the stick.
Oh and did I say how glad I am to be a gay man? Because i could not deal with all the stuff women need. I’m not trying to be an ass. i was one of those women. PMS would come calling and the tears would start falling. My poor husband would come running with gin and tonic, brownies, and anything else he thought I might need or want to feel better. Life was a roller coaster on the estrogen ride. I love my T. Oh how I love it.
I’m sorry that life seems so hard an complicated. Try to find some relief in the fact that most women know what you are talking about and struggle to.o.
I think I just need some testosterone, Edward. And SQUEE! I miss you. I must send you an email when my brain stem is functional again.
Shut up.
I can’t begin to say how much this post resonated with me! A difficult situation I’ve been dealing with for a couple of years has now deteriorated to the point where the other person is doing the passive-aggressive FB-commenting, blog-stalking, etc. that you mention (and passively-aggressively commenting on my blog on Facebook, as a bonus!). And while she’s doing these things, she also totally ignores me in group and family settings, while I feel like an idiot because I’m trying to be polite and not make everyone else uncomfortable. Why do women do this? I’m sure some men behave this way also, but women seem especially terrible at dealing with conflict in a way that can leave a relationship intact, or at least allows everyone to walk away with their dignity and self-respect intact. So much for sisterhood, eh?
Sad, isn’t it? Really, really sad. I’ve got some passive aggressive commentors that pop by now and again to say the sort of thing that makes me go, HUH, wait, was that mean? Because I think it was mean. But maybe it wasn’t mean.
I’m glad this helped. I was feeling kind of stupid about this post.
You have a recessive stand-up comic gene. If 99 out of 100 people love us, but that one person in the crowd is an asshole, who do we obsess about? Exactly. It sucks and it drives me crazy. In fact, it drives me crazy that it drives me crazy, which in turn… well you understand.
This explains more than you can know.
Christmas card? Dude, you know it’s August, eh?
I think, if it’s been four and a half years, and you’re still thinking about this friend, it’s because you would like her to still be in your life, in a good way, not because you can’t get over some petty bullshit. I think you should email her…before Christmas. Tell her that you miss her, and that her friendship is worth dealing with whatever it is you guys have to deal with.
Sometimes, it’s only the people who are closest to me that tell me what an asshole I am – and believe me, I am sometimes – not intentionally, but I am incredibly flaky, selfish, and clueless sometimes. It SUCKS to have to hear shit like that from my friends, but it’s worth it in the end.
You really kind of answered your own question, right? When you said that what you have to lose is: nothing.
Btw, I’ve been stalkering your blog for a while now. I’ll come out of the lurker closet soon. Or maybe I just did?
Hooray for un-lurkering! It’s very nice to meet you, Lurker.
I added your blog to bookmarks. And i’ll read your articles more often!
You had me at “Breast Feeding Crack Babies”
I grew up in the south, where we fix our problems. Out loud usually. And if the table is full of food, and all the relatives are present, so much the better. Dammit, we love a show!! :o)
Now I live in Illinois. Wow. My husbands family talks about NOTHING!! Except other peoples families. My mother-in-law had no idea whether or not her brother was divorced. They didn’t want to ask. SO STRANGE!!
I can’t understand it either. And thankfully my husband isn’t this way. Hell, we’d have NEVER gotten married!! lol He is just like me, can’t shut up. I like to talk out problems….see if we can fix it.
Sometimes we can’t. It’s like I tell my nieces, everybody can’t be your friend. Sometimes people are just fuckers. :o)
I think it will serve them well in life.
Because. Obviously.
I wonder if this is a Yank thing. I bet it is.
I sort of let people have it. Holding it in just makes things worse, and the problems get compounded. Oftentimes, the people on whom you unleash your commentary fail to appreciate what you’re saying, at least at the time. Sometimes they come around, sometimes they don’t.
But, if you do get it all on the table, you don’t sit around wondering if something would be different now.
I say you send the Christmas card. It’s who you are, and you’ll feel much better. If she doesn’t want to reciprocate, then it’s on her, but you tried.
Exactly. I gain nothing by not trying because it’s not like I got any last word in at all anyway. I got dropped like I was hot.
I favour the direct approach. One thing I find a bit odd in the comments is the “just drop the people bothering you right out of your life” approach as isn’t this approach that made you obsess about your (ex)friend – the just being dropped with no explanation?
Yes. She did. With no explanation.
I highly recomend the book “What Did I Do Wrong?: When Women Don’t Tell Each Other the Friendship is Over”. It really helped me heal from a baaad friendship breakup.
http://www.amazon.com/What-Did-Do-Wrong-Friendship/dp/0743286324
I’ll have to check it out.
Dear Aunt Becky (I love writing that because in actuality, you and I are probably peers, but Cousin Becky doesn’t have that same ring to it); My husband routinely (seriously that often) comes home and tells me about how so-and-so at the office thinks they can “take” so-and-so and that HE can TOTALLY take him but blah blah blah, and I always think, wow, I can’t remember ever sizing up another lady in an office and saying, “I’m pretty sure I could beat your ass, you know, if it all went down like that yo.” No, women are far more subtle, and by subtle, I mean sneaky, shitty and mean. A couple punches would make things a lot easier and at least you know where you stand with a fist in the face!
A fist in the face absolutely says what you mean. I like that.
BTDT. I feel your pain. At the beginning of my paid blogging gig the powers that be put up a poll: “What do you think of our new blog? A. Love it! B. Like it! C. It’s okay or D. Get rid of it!” Talk about obsessing.
It’s like an itch you can’t quite reach. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. Somehow you’ve got to scratch.
I’m still scratching my head like a damn monkey here. I need to get over it, no doubt.
I’m usually first to reject people, so I don’t usually worry about people not liking me. But if you are already my friend and I think you are mad at me? If I can sense something is off and you are just not telling me? I will obsess and obsess about it. I’ll ask you five hundred times what is wrong, and I won’t take “nothing” for an answer.
Exactly!
women r so petty! i don’t necessarily enjoy confrontation, but i’m very up-front & direct…i tell u how i feel & let u know if there’s something u’ve done that i have a problem with…then we can talk it out & move on…i’ve always had way more guy friends than female 4 this very reason
Being able to move on either way is so, so important.
I’m really bad at being friends with women, because I’m not good at returning phone calls, and then when I haven’t talked to you in months, I act like we’ve been talking all the long. All but one of my bridesmaids still talks to me, because apparently I suck as a friend. Jason does the same thing to his buddies and they still love each other.
I promise to always call you on your shit, Becks.
You fucking better.
I have a friend or two like this. I wasn’t cut off cold turkey but most of my communication has gone unanswered. It bothers me but I’m trying to just let it go.
I have to be honest and say that I’ve never just shut someone out of my life but I may have been guilty of the passive agressive thing on occasion. Usually before long though, it seems to blow up. Then, when it does, we’re either friends or have parted ways.
I think it’s the not knowing that kills me more than the being cut off. Truthfully, I DO miss her and I WOULD take her back as a friend, but I’m not pining any more.
If we’re not honest, why are we here? And yet, one of the hardest things to understand or accept once you enter the TRUTH ZONE yourself is that others are not going to be there with you. That you can’t expect others to blab about their emotions like you do, offer up their straightforward opinions like you do, and spill their guts on the floor like you do. No, no, no, instead they keep it all bottled up. On the one hand, you feel uplifted and confident that you are a straight shooter, and on the other hand you undoubtedly end up feeling like an ass because you are standing in the middle of the crowd with your pants down. Ass HANGING OUT.
Call her up. Get it over with. Mend or don’t mend. Either way, you’ll be able to move on. You’ll find out the reason for the rift. Maybe you’ll be happy because it wasn’t YOU, and maybe you’ll feel like even more of an ASS because she calls you out. Either way…. it’ll be and end or another beginning.
Excellent points.
Sometimes I wish I was a guy too. I love that they seem to be able to just move on. My wife is like that though. She just drops it, and 5 minutes later she is smiling again. Unless it is her sister, then she’ll stew for weeks!!!!
What I hate is the passive-aggressive bullshit. I’m aggressive and once I want to talk about it then I need to talk about it until I’m done. Imagine how that went over with my abusive, alcoholic ex. I have people at work that I don’t like, they don’t like me but they’ll be nice to my face and then find another way to stab me in the back. Screw that! Let’s just agree to not speak, and we can move on from there. Stab me in the back and I will find a way to destroy someone.
I sound like the nicest person on the planet right?? No one would ever realize how easily I get hurt by stupid shit, and how many nights I spend crying because I was sooooo mad the right words would not come out of my mouth.
“I’m pretty sure that I’m just craving some closure. I fucked up somewhere, she got mad, I want to know why. Or do I? I don’t know.” I used to be a person who ran from confrontations and would just put people out of my life who made me mad, so I know about this a bit. In my case, it was because I grew up with a rage-aholic and was severely punished for any objections or angry reactions.
Now, I’d much rather talk it out, just tell the person I think they owe me an apology or whatever. If someone gets mad at me and stops speaking to me, I figure that’s an unhealthy relationship to be in, because hte person doesn’t know how to “fight” in a healthy way, so as to arrive at peace again. Sometimes the other person can also be projecting their shortcomings onto you, and that’s another situation that’s pretty unhealthy to have in a friend.
I’d much rather have a person bluntly tell me off than have them drop me for no apparent reason. I’ve lost quite a few friends that way, but once I stopped doing it myself, I became aware of why I lost them, and learned to replace them with people who have a healthier style.
I can’t stand when people hate me for no reason. I just like to know why people do hate me.
My favorite example comes from high school (of course) Some chick stole MY boyfriend, and then hated ME for it. And there are much better reasons to hate me. If she would have just picked ONE, I wouldn’t have egged her car randomly over the next few years.
I also don’t like people who pretend that nothing ever happened and we all just go along our merry ways pretending the other person isn’t the biggest bag of douche on the planet! (My entire family, AND my in laws do this crap!)
My best friend in hs did this to me. We were like sisters and going along fine until one day in senior year, she was so angry with me but would not tell me why. Her only response to me or anyone close to me was “she should know what she did and if she doesn’t, I’m not telling her”. 17 years later, it still bothers me that I still don’t know what I did! I have never had a best girlfriend since then.
Holy hell I just spent 3 days of my life trying to smooth over “mama drama” between some of my friends. What a time suck! I hate confrontation, but it’s better than the alternative of waiting around wondering WTF. Kind of like yanking the band-aid off quickly, if you will. Follow your heart. Send the card if you feel like it. If she doesn’t reply, well, that’s her loss, not yours.
Are you **sure** you aren’t stalking me because I just wrote the same damn post about drama (albeit a little different).
I know, I know…wishful thinking will get us everywhere.
Getting back to YOU and YOUR question though…
If it were as easy as just deciding hey, it’s their loss not mine. Send her the card but ONLY if it makes you feel better somehow – but honestly, I’m not sure that it will because in the end, even IF you get to ask hey, what did I do? You won’t get an honest answer.
Ugh, women are our own worst enemies. Who needs anyone else?
I’m stalking you and you like it.
I think we, women, have all gone through something like this at some point or another. Whether we drift apart or realize, we never liked the bitch anyway, it happens. The way I look at it is if someone decides that my friendship doesn’t mean enough to bring up what’s bothering them and deal with it, then I don’t need them in my life. I mean, if she decides she doesn’t want to deal with whatever it is I have done, that’s her issue. I have actually been wronged by someone in a VERY public manner. I decided she was just having a crappy day and took it out on me. Then when the dissing continued, I decided, “Nope, don’t need ya!” and abandoned ship. I am still bothered by the fact that I didn’t stand up for myself but I don’t have to ever go through that BS again. So I just say, “Oh well!” Her loss. If she was meant to be a friend and be a meaningful part of my life, we would be talking now. That’s my two cents… word.
Word UP!
I try to stay as far away from drama as possible. I find it really upsetting though that women in the workplace also generate a lot of drama and end up not helping fellow women. The ones that are higher up are even less likely to hire another woman.
I wonder if this is a fixable problem at all.
I have noticed the same thing. And I wish I had an answer.
You know what? If I make an attempt to contact them to find out what’s going on, and I get the silent treatment or the “if you don’t know what’s wrong I’m not telling you” response, I inform them they are NOT the friend I thought I had.
I don’t keep company that would do that, either. Because I don’t need that shit. I have enough stress.
If confrontation of the matter doesn’t resolve it the first time, they can KMA. If they start stalking me, that means THEY have issues. They can still KMA. Every time. I don’t care. I tried to address it, that person doesn’t want to resolve it, that’s THEIR problem. ANd I will delete any communication that doesn’t start with, “I’m sorry I’m a twat and can’t communicate with people” and mean it.
Don’t let it get to you. To hell with people who want to make more of petty shit than it’s worth. It’s not like you don’t have enough shit to wrangle without that.
I just love you. Can we be BFF?
How do you get your site to do those commenty replies like that? You are so much cooler than me.
I tend to like men better for all the reasons stated in the comments above. I, too, had a best friend who dumped me, and after that I kind of became an official fag hag.
I go into “QUICK EDIT” on the comments and add my drivel at the bottom.
Also? I need to hang out with more gay men. I miss being a fag hag.
What? Send a Christmas Card? Bad Move! I *always* sent one to the woman who *used to* be my BFF in high school. We haven’t really seen eye to eye since she met her husband (during our senior year of HS) but I tried to keep things status quo. Then I sent one when I was pregnant with Baby Girl…and apparently it arrived on a day while she was in a bad mood. She actually called and bitched me out FOR SENDING AN EFFING CHRISTMAS CARD! I refused to engage in a fight (which I think pissed her off even more) and I ended up bawling (presumably because I was eleventy months pregnant) AFTER ending the call. She eventually called and apologized (on the day after my birthday in April – without ever acknowledging that it had been my birthday) but we still don’t talk. Some people just aren’t worth the effort.
Oh Em Ge. What a nasty bitch!
I can relate to much of what you have said and many of the good folks who have commented about this thread. I had my BF from college drop me with no explanation after a 10 year friendship. My lifelong BF from home was there and witnessed how incredibly painful the whole experience was for me. I recall her telling me what a bitch that so called friend was and how heartless she was to do something like that to me. That life long friend of 25 years …someone I thought to be more of a sister than a friend, turned around and basically did the same exact thing.
It was far more cruel and heartless than anything the former college friend had done. To add insult to injury, she even involved her family who I was extremely close. Her mother sent my Christmas card back with RTS written on the front. I was never given any reason for the ending of our friendship other than a brief email that said “I don’t hate you but my life is better without you in it.” That was four years ago. If I think about it too much, the pain is great. I had to allow myself time to grieve the friendship. Now days I try to remember the good times because she can not take those memories. Those are mine to keep. I don’t know who she is now, and I don’t care to be friends with the person she has become. I thought I was the only person something like this had happened to but it sounds like girls drop friendship without explanation with some frequency. I’m sorry to find others have been through similar experiences but I have to admit it is nice to know I’m not alone. Good luck with your search for finding closure and peace.
Your story is breaking my heart. Especially the part about RTS. I’m so sorry. They don’t deserve you, but I know hearing that doesn’t help.
Wow, so many awesome comments, and I love your responses! But I had to stop reading about 50 comments, or you would never have been subjected to my ramblings.
I have been stewing over this very topic lately and in fact started a blog entry titled “Rage is a four letter word” but couldn’t seem to put it together in a way that wasn’t either entirely more than I feel like it’s my right to share, or else just plain whiney.
I’ve always been a girl with guy friends. I didn’t “get” girls. Then college, and I had actual girlfriends. When I had kids, I discoveredI mommy friends, and I finally understood what women friends could do for you. I met someone, and we started to get friendly, you know, sort of low key mom friendly. There were some conflicts and some problems, and I owned up to them. I explained what saw in the situation, what I had done, what I could do. And she understood. Things were okay. And then she did something totally passive aggressive, totally “fuck you and your apologies, and fuck your family and fuck everything you’ve worked for. This is what you get!” (I’m still really angry.) And though I know I need to move on, to accept that sometimes people do things for reasons we don’t understand, that sometimes they’re just jerks, I’m still upset every time I think about it, which is a lot.
I haven’t un-friended her in Facebook, and neither has she, which is weird. I guess I’m holding on to this completely unfounded hope that someday things will be better again. I think she’s trying to pretend that she didn’t do anything, and we’re still friends who don’t speak.
I’ve lost touch with most of my college friends and was really trying to make friends, and I feel like I got kicked in the balls for my trouble. So I don’t know why people do that, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m just trying not to let it take up too much room in my brain.
Passive-aggression makes my balls itch. It just sucks.
I fucking hate that BS. It’s probably why I don’t have many “real life” girl friends. I can’t stand the drama.
Just had to report back…after reading all the comments about this friend dropping business and reading the suggestion for Liz Pryor’s book. I checked it out on Amazon. I ordered the book and got it this past Saturday. I sat down Sunday morning and couldn’t put it down. I polished it off in a couple hours. You want to talk about making sense?! It helped me to understand what they hell was going on in my former friend’s heads (or at least I kind of think I have a better grasp) and I certainly feel a heck of lot better about what I felt during that period of time. If I thought they would read the books, I would send both of them copies. I really suggest checking it out! Her website is pretty insightful as well. Just thought I’d let you know. I was tormented by all this crap for a long time, and this was really helpful!
Okay, I am totally all about it now. Thank you.
Ok this is the shit that nobody wants to admit to…this kind of stuff haunts you…late at night, EVEN after you have read a GREAT book. So I am going to come clean…and atleast say this much…the book was good but even after all these years, I’m torn. After the great message…I’m struggling. I want to reach out to my former friend with a secret hope that we will connect again…but I know based on what I learned from the book…it isn’t going to happen. So what I am struggling with at this moment is NOT doing what I know I shouldn’t do. We females…such creatures of need. You would think after four years strength would be so easy. Not so. Thanks for giving me a sounding board. Gives me place to find my footing…so for that I’m grateful. Thank you!
You are very welcome. You all helped me to work through my feelings too. I felt like such a whiner after I posted this, seriously.