In a stunning fit of personal irony, The Daver and I were called upon to serve on a jury of our peers on the same day.

That day is tomorrow.

One of us is going to perform his civic duty, while I have to call in sick so that I can go back to the doctor. Again. And trust me when I tell you that I wish like hell that I was going with him.

Going to the doctor for this latest miscarriage is only going to dig the old nail in a little deeper and remind me that hells yes, my body is expelling yet another ickle and well-wanted critter. And then I have to suffer the indignity of another ass shot performed with the sterile equivalent of a ball-point pen. It’s going to be AWESOME.

It’s weird, I never really knew how I would react to having a miscarriage. On the logical side of my brain, I am pleased that it didn’t happen any later than it did: having it happen at all is sad, but having it happen at 4 months, 7 weeks, or 9 months is far worse. The emotional side of my body is telling me that this is yet another loss of something I really had wanted. I would have loved the wee critter as much as I love my not-so-wee critters and I wish this had a different outcome.

The hormones aren’t helping matters one tiny bit, but I think ultimately I will decide that this is neither here nor there. In the end, I suppose it all comes down to the idea of luck. I hate the concept of luck. If I am lucky because I have a truly wonderful husband and 2 hilarious kidlets, that makes someone who doesn’t have these things unlucky.

But what did I do to deserve these wonderful things that I do have? And what did someone who doesn’t have these things do to not deserve them? Should I feel lucky to not be those people, or should I have survivor’s guilt and feel terribly for them? (I’ll let you guess which one I feel, and it’s not the first option). I’d love for The Universe to shower good fortune and luck onto everyone in the world, but it’s just not the way it works, and I don’t know why.

I can accept having one early miscarriage, hell I can accept having two, although it seems a bit careless. In the grand scheme of things, I’m still pretty blessed and I don’t forget it for a moment. Honestly, I never do. But to have two of these miscarriages/chemical pregnancies within 30 days just seems cruel and unusual to me. I comforted myself by telling myself that I cannot be so unlucky so as to have two in a row, but it seems that my luck has changed. And I am beyond devastated.

Despite my devastation, I refuse to subscribe to fear, though, and let that overrun my life. I’ll have another baby, or I won’t. I’ll go back to school or I won’t. I’ll paint the kitchen or I won’t. But I won’t not do something (hello double negative!) because I am afraid of a bad outcome. That’s a stupid way to live my life, and I refuse to do it.

Maybe I’ll never get to the truly peaceful place again, and maybe I’ll always be a little afraid of things outside of my control, but that’s okay. It’s what makes life interesting and us humans.

It happened, I’m suitably wrecked, and I’ll survive. It’s what we all do.

31 thoughts on “The Minor Fall, The Major Lift

  1. oh Becky I am so sorry to hear that.
    don’t let fear of “ifs” hold ya back.

    Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.
    Harriet Beecher Stowe, writer

    Dolly Parton, singer
    If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain.

  2. You are incredibly strong. You are handling this exceptionally well.

    I agree: so many things are out of our control; luck plays too big of a part in our lives; but we should still do our best and never succumb to fear.

    Hang in there. I will be thinking about you tomorrow.

  3. Becky–I’m not a very religious person but I’m a man of faith. I truly believe that every thing that happens happens for a reason. The only thing that’s frustrating is that while we are in the thick of things we really can’t identify these reasons are. Only when we are free from the moment where we fully realize why things happen.

    Ok, I just confused the hell out of you. What I really wanted to say is hang in there.

  4. I’m sorry. Very sorry . . .

    I am struck by your strength. By the fact that you just seem to GET life . . .

    “Maybe I’ll never get to the truly peaceful place again, and maybe I’ll always be a little afraid of things outside of my control, but that’s okay. It’s what makes life interesting and us humans.”

    Wow . . .

  5. “But I won’t not do something (hello double negative!) because I am afraid of a bad outcome. That’s a stupid way to live my life, and I refuse to do it.”
    Good for you Becky, I am so glad you said this.
    I hope you have a peaceful night, you are in my thoughts

  6. Well, I don’t think they’d let you both do jury duty on the same jury, so one of you would have probably been kicked out anyway. Sigh. It’s always the women who make the sacrifice for the greater good.

  7. The hormones make it so much worse….I’m sorry.

    But don’t let the IFs hold you back – yes, you do lose that innocence and blind optimism once you’ve lost one (or two). But look at all your dead baby mamas – I suspect every single one of them would tell you that despite the gut-wrenching heartache and fear of the next one, it’s worth every minute.

  8. ‘“But I won’t not do something (hello double negative!) because I am afraid of a bad outcome. That’s a stupid way to live my life, and I refuse to do it.”

    Welllll, I’m the stupid person. I don’t know if I believ ein “luck” either, but I’ve had the bad thing happen, and I know full well lightning can indeed strike twice (in fact, the docs have made that fairly clear). So I tread lightly on the universe now, knowing that I didn’t take the statistical bullet for my friends or neighborhood, I might not have chewed up the odds suitably for myself. If I could lock my family in a closet for the rest of my days, I probably would.

    That said, once thorugh the bad thing, the only option we really do have is to survive, wake up, paint the kitchen. However, unlike you, I will always weigh how much something might break my heart before proceeding. Thinking of you Becky, I’m really so sorry.

  9. I’m an asshole, I’m sorry. Due to my own not-so-dramatic personal drama, I’ve not read your past 8 posts until now. I missed this, and I missed supporting you and I’m sorry.

    You will get through this, as you say. We have no choice but to get on through the pain and survive. The situation is horrible, and the fact that you’ve faced this twice in the past couple months is appalling. Who wouldn’t feel devastated? You’re a strong woman, something which was evident way before you’ve written this post and experienced the pain of miscarriage.

    Thinking of you!

  10. No, I don’t think you can live your life in fear. I think I’m going to try and join your fearless train and try like hell to move forward with my life too.

    Maybe we can have wee ones at the same time?! Wouldn’t that just be the cat’s meow?

    I hope today finds you a bit brighter and not so full of gloom. I’ll be home later and try to catch up with you then!
    XO me

  11. hug, hug, kiss, kiss, i love ya, Aunt Becky, i sure do love ya, sorry this is happening to you and the tenants of the sausage factory.

  12. I am so sorry. Two in a row, I don’t know what to say that you haven’t already said in your post. I don’t know what to think about luck. I have never subscribed to “the universe is random” theory but now I am starting to throw out the lucky/unlucky theory too. Do you think we will have to start using that annoying “it is what it is” phrase?

    A big hug, Becky.

  13. I am just catching up on your blog from the weekend. I am so sorry! Hang in there. I don’t have much comforting to say to you right now, except that I am here if you need me!

  14. Auntie,
    I am so sorry for your pain.
    I recently lost a little soul and I can only say that you shouldn’t make any decisions while the hormone storm still rages. Mine lasted about a month.

    I am to the point now where the little things don’t make me cry and I can just enjoy my kids without tearing up over the one I lost.

    I have also wondered about whether this is a sign, or whether or not I should tempt fate again…

    Give yourself time to heal and then think about what you want to do.

    Oh and this sucks. It sucks big time and I am sorry you have to go through it.

  15. Two in a row? That’s just shit. Thinking of you, Becks. Wish this one had a different outcome. Hoping that the next one will.

    I am so very sorry. XO.

  16. Have you heard Rufus Wainwrights version of this song? My favorite version. As for what happened, you didn’t deserve it. But ttc isn’t about what you do or do not deserve. It’s luck. Pure, dumb, blind luck! You have two beautiful children, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to have 100 more if you so choose. I’m thinking about you guys, and wishing you peace.

  17. It IS really really wrong to have this happen twice like this. When I read this latest one I thought that my google reader was malfunctioning and giving me old posts. No, no, I thought. This can’t be right. This is last month’s post. I am so sorry that you are experiencing such suckitude and sadness.

  18. A loss is a loss no matter the time. I’m sorry to hear your struggle but it will all work out for you in the end. Hang in there and try to keep a positive attitude. It looks like you have a lot of support from your blog friends and I’m happy to say I’d like to add my name to your list of supporters.

    By the way, I found your blog through DadGoneMad. I’ve posted a complete list of everyone who left their blog link in a post called Blog Rolling With My Homies over on my blog, so if you want to see it come on over and sit a spell. I don’t bite..…that hard anyway!

  19. I’m having a bit of “survivors guilt” myself right now after reading your last few posts. What happened to you is just not fair, and it’s definitely not right. A wonderful woman like you DESERVES to have another child. I’m so very sorry that you are going through this right now. Just know that I totally feel for you and I’m here if you need anything.

  20. I have to totally disagree with the ‘everything happens for a reason’ comment. I do not believe that babies die for a reason, ever. Bad shit happens because bad shit happens, that is, sadly, the way this thing called life seems to work.
    I don’t think you did anything to deserve this, I don’t think there is a “life lesson” to be gleaned from this. I think that it sucks and when your hormones have had their way with you, then you can decide what feels like the right thing for you in the future.
    Have you also talked to your OB about multiple loss work ups?? Sometimes after two back to back they will let you(i.e. your insurance will cover it) do it so you don’t end up going through another loss if they can isolate a cause for the two miscarriages.
    I hope you are doing okay, I so know how you are feeling, at least some of it and I know it’s awful.
    Take care of you.

  21. Stupid as it is, I pretty much let my life be ruled by fear of bad outcomes. For myself and for everyone else. I hate that this happened to you.

  22. So sorry Becky! I haven’t been reading as often but I just caught up and I am thinking of you. There isn’t really anything that one can say in these situations other than this really sucks and I am so sorry for your loss! I think you are amazing and deserve great things.

  23. Sending you happy healing thoughts, anything I would have wanted to say has been already said! Your an amazing women who deserves the best life has to offer and I have NO doubt you will have peace and happiness life has to offer! 😀

    HUGS FROM HERE! And ya know you still flipping rock!!

  24. You needn’t be so…..stoic. It isn’t what we *all* do. It’s what you’ve done, and I’m so sorry, again. Still. It sucks. It does. And you do tough well. Just know you don’t have to.

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