Several years ago, I wrote the first in a series of posts to my television husbands, this one to Vincent D’Onofrio, where I divorced him for having the audacity to impregnate someone else. This of course, was shortly after I’d popped out crotch parasite numero dos, Alejandro, and blatantly overlooked that I had recently had a baby that hadn’t been presumably sired by him.

I also frequently called myself the “anonymous Midwestern girl with kicky hair” which should have told anyone that I didn’t take myself SERIOUSLY. The letter was, of course, a total over-the-top joke. I had to Google his fucking name to even write the damn thing.

But after I wrote it, my tens of readers laughed, because writing a fake love letter to a fake TV husband is kinda funny (shut up) and then an odd thing happened: Google Reader picked the damn thing up as in, “if you like, “xxx” you’ll LOVE “yyy””

THEN the Lovers of Vincent D’Onofrio showed up on my doorstep. I’m not talking about people who have some Law and Order: Your Doesn’t Suck So Hard on DVR, no, I’m talking about the people who have entire BLOGS devoted to him. Who know his wife’s name (he’s married?) and paint murals of him on their walls.

They were *ahem* displeased with Your Aunt Becky.

And I was shocked that so many people could devote so many hours a day to caring about celebrities. It just hadn’t dawned on me that anyone, well, WOULD.

I still get people who swing by and yell at me about it, just like the teens who yell at me on Twitter for misspelling David Archuleta’s name. Not, oddly, that I said “I thought about buying David Archuleta’s book until I realized he’d been a Barbizon Model and then punched myself in the face.”

(I’m bitter that my parents wouldn’t let me take Glamor Shots and for some reason I have my wires crossed and Glamor Shots = Barbizon = Be a Model, OR JUST LOOK LIKE ONE)

But now, I’ve realized that my true love is not Vincent D’Onofrio, Lovers of Vincent D’Onofrio, so you can all back off.

Because after years of searching, I’ve finally found The Love of My Life:

Rod Blagojevich’s Hair: (he’s the former governor of Illinois, where I live. State Motto: We Impeach our Crooked Governors! He’s also…just…wow.)

When we met, I was immediately smitten. Sure, politics aren’t my thing, but the hair, people, THE HAIR.

His magic hair and I went for long walks on the beach, looking at rocks, rotting fish and hypodermic needles.

And just when I thought I couldn’t possibly be any happier, his hair took me for a long romantical visit to Detroit, where, over fried chicken and waffles and cans of Diet Coke,  his hair asked me to be it’s bride.

The day I married his hair was the happiest day of my life. My dad walked me down the aisle to strains of “Dude Looks Like a Lady” and when I met his hair at the alter, I promised to “Love, Honor and Repay” his hair for the rest of my days on Earth, til baldness (or Rogaine) do us part.

His hair just floated there, like a mystical being from another planet while I beamed serenely. My heart was finally happy.

His magic hair completed me.

You know what happened next, don’t you?

9 months later, the product of our Magical Union, the sweet Hair Baby baby popped out of my crotch.

The day I had his hairs’ baby, well, that was the second happiest day of my life. Second only to the day I became, Mrs. The Magic Hair Blago.

Of course, a mystical being like Blago’s Magical Hair can’t be contained for long, so I’ve been left to raise our Love Child alone, but that’s okay. I’m lucky to have had his Magic Hair for as long as I did.

If you love something as special as Magic Hair, you have to let it go to be free. If it comes back to you, it was always yours.

Or…uh, something.

Comments

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110 thoughts on “Star F*cker

  1. I once wrote about having seen Meredith Baxter Birney at a trade show, only to have a rabid fan call me out on my blog for the fact that she dropped Birney YEARS ago and to please refer to her properly henceforth. Dude. I get like, maybe five comments a day on my blog, maybe 10 in my heyday. But this lady must have been out there cruising the internets for people writing about Meredith. All I can say is it must have been a slow Meredith Baxter news day.

    1. ZOMG. That is SO FREAKING HILARIOUS. I had to delete some comments on that post which is the only time I’ve ever had to do that because people got so bent out of shape. Freaky people, man.

      I bet that person had her name on Google Alert or something.

  2. I’m right there w/ you. Lenny Kravitz, my husband he just doesn’t know it yet, is the father of my yet to be conceived, albeit unwanted, children. He’s living a celibate life until he meets the right woman or until I can find a way to get into his bedroom and bring meaning into his life. Our delusions should get to know each other.

  3. Wow. Just yeah.. wow. I am speechless with envy over the sheer awesomeness of your love tryst. Or, I’m just afraid you’ll stab me with a banana, I’m not sure which.

  4. Good thing you dropped D’Onofrio. Because HE’S MINE!!! I don’t care if he’s married and greying and looks 100lbs heavier these days… HE’S MINE!! *Pulls out 10 years worth of love letters returned to sender* See these? A testament to my love! I’m still plotting… never mind. You don’t need to know that.

    I do hope you and the magic hair will be very happy together. You make such a cute couple.

  5. I think the state motto would more accurately be “We prosecute our corrupt governors. Sometimes.”

    I have seen your husband in person. He looks like plastic. 🙂

  6. We actually have a “celebrity clause” in our marraige in that if that person ever shows up and asks you to run away – you get to, no questions asked. Mine is Jason Bourne. Not that dummy Matt Damon and surely not sappy Will Hunting. I want kick-ass Jason Bourne.

    I think I just brewed up a blog post for myself!

  7. Congrats on the birth of your hair child. He (she?) seems to take after you for sure, what with the arms and legs and face…and well, body parts in general.

    I married a bookshelf last week, but I’m thinking of divorcing him for a bottle of beer, which doesn’t require assembly and is much more likely to get me knocked up.

  8. I cannot stop laughing. I love the beach shot! You have mad photoshop skillz!

    Oh, and perfect timing on the Blago post, because people will REALLY have to scroll today!

  9. So, first, I live in the Detroit area and we have more to offer than chicken and waffles. We have muthertruckin’ coney dogs, yo. That’s a boiled wiener in a bun with a shit ton of chili piled on it. Nom.

    Second, I feel the same way about my harem of husbands (when you’re an atheist, anything goes). There’s Bono, Clooney (he SHOULD just go by one name, who needs “George”?), Johnny Depp (could we just call him Depp? Or 21 Jump Street, to commemorate when I first fell in love with him?), Dexter (I’ll share with you, Aunt Becky), and that dude who plays Chuck (he’s nerdy, so he can sex me AND do my taxes or whatever). I have set them all free, and wait patiently for any or all of them to come back to me. Lord, that sounded kind of stalker-ish. Oh well.

    1. That coney dog sounds like fucking HEAVEN on a bun. CUT ME IN.

      I also am currently husband-less. Except for my Twitter husband. AND WE’RE GETTING MARRIED AND IN LOVE SO THAT’S THAT.

  10. Such a beautiful love story, Becky… and those pictures, priceless.

    Also, off to Google David what’s his name (never heard of him)…

    1. Well, apparently, that David kid has a ton of teenage fans. And they hate me for daring to misspell his name, EVEN THOUGH I almost always misspell MY OWN name.

      I’m going to change my own name to something like Jon Smith so I can spell it.

  11. Dude, the body-attached-to-your-hair-husband’s wife was on Celebrity Stuck in a Jungle (or something) and she became very very good friends with some professional ball player (which was odd) and they traded sentimental stories in a rain forest river, only to curl up at the fire with Sanvagina from Idol and one of the (500) Baldwin brothers. It was a very weird show. I was also so distracted by Heidi and Spencer and their rampant religious antics that I couldn’t really pay attention to your hair-husband’s-technical-wife. But I thought you should know. (She could still be in that jungle.)(You should check.)

  12. First, a very merry un-birthday to you, Aunt Becky!

    Your crooked ex-governor celebrity husband is a bit creepy looking, but I must say, his hair looks nicer without his head in it. Your hair children, will most surely get a good head of hair out of this union.

    With just the hair to deal with you won’t be picking up dirty socks, or underwear all the time. Or having to do laundry period. You are such a lucky girl!

  13. Dude, for real, it was time you moved on. Cuz the hair is hotter than the Criminal Intent dude.

    Hell, many forms of fungus are hotter than him.

    You could at least have held out for Jeff Goldblum 😉

  14. I had to leave my husband George Michael because he insisted on wearing a policeman’s uniform all the time, and well, then there was the incident when we were on vacation in Florida and his fans couldn’t even let him use a public bathroom in peace.

  15. I married Ryan Reynolds’ abs. I think I win. Scarlett Johansson thought she was entitled to them for some reason, but I beat her with her own ginormous breasts and she backed off.

  16. This is why I love you Aunt Becky. Only you would look those marriage laws in the face and say I’m going to marry the Magic Hair regardless of you or your narrow, single-mindedness!

  17. The key to a perfect relationship with a pretend husband is to marry the character he plays. The actor himself is probably an idiot. The exception to that rule are vampires and other supernatural creatures, no matter how good they look with their shirts off.

  18. the amount of time people devote to following the lives of celebrities is rather depressing (types the girl in the comment section of one of the hundreds of blogs she follows… blogs of people she’s never met in real life…)

  19. Now you’re going to get all the political crazies coming here on top of the normal crazies.

    FINALLY, you’ll be able to honestly use that line from “As Good As It Gets”.

    I’m so happy for you.

  20. Ha! No one should show up on your doorstep to yell at you about a blog anyway, but I guess it makes your life funnier and gives them something to yell about 😉
    But they defintitely shouldn’t be yelling at you about the Barbizon model quip if they aren’t old enough to remember getting Barbizon flyers in the mail. Ah, those were the days!

  21. I have a thing for Rafe on Days of Our Lives. I DVR the show every single day and watch him “act” before I go to bed at night. I then have sweet, sweet dreams about him cuming inside of me. TMI? Shucks.

  22. While I am much too normal (no laughing) to have a secret celebrity spouse, my husband…well, he is having a hard time picking from his long list. At the grocery store, he talks to the magazines and his girlfriends on the cover. Let me repeat that, he talks to the tabloid magazines. I am afraid that some day he might make out with the magazines. Which, if it wasn’t so weird, would be fine with me. The worst thing that can come from that is a few embarrassing paper cuts. Rock on sister!

      1. He is awesome….but we will just keep that between us. No need for him to go around chanting how awesome he is. My life is miserable enough 😉

  23. I love this… I can marry anyone I want?

    Tonight is gonna be aweSOME

    Thank you, Aunt Becky, I’ve been waiting for Mr Right, didn’t know I could just do this.

    Saves lots of time and heart ache and personal embarrassment.

    I love Aunt Becky.

  24. I was all good with your post until I started thinking about how you and the magic hair would go about getting yourself all knocked up and then I skeeved. Must stop overthinking your posts!

  25. I thought for sure you would cut and paste that hair on the baby. Somehow, I think that would have distressed me… Glad you didn’t. 😉

  26. Oh how did I miss this? It always surprises me, the um, whackatude I mean vehemence that fans have for people they love that they don’t actually know…

    Like sometimes on tv shows people will show tattoos people on their body – okay not that if you got one of that hair that wouldnt be normal cause that would be totally cool, right?

    But the ones of people. I guess I don’t get that at. all. Half the time they dont even look the person anyway they look like ernest borgnine or soemthing… and its supposed to be anna nicole smith or maybe madonna but its like all mchales navy.

    anyway.

    I think I got lost but I agree with you whatever you said.

  27. I really need a haircut, and the heat and humidity are counteracting all my hair-drying hair control efforts. Just yesterday, I realized I had developed Blago hair. I’m sure if you write it a nice, passionate letter, it will come live with you. Then I won’t have to deal with it anymore either!

  28. Oh Aunt Becky, how I envy you. This is how I wanted my life to be… Alas my one true love, David Beckham’s cannot remain faithful. Not that the hair ‘cheats’ on me, no Aunt Becky that I could handle & accept, for why would I want to deny other the wonders & joys of David Beckham’s hair.

    No, my problem is much deeper & darker than that. David’s Beckham’s hair, unlike the wonderful Blago’s hair (worry not, I respect your territory & only enjoy from afar) cannot maintain one style!

    One moment it’s Californian/Spanish sun kissed lustruous flaxen locks, then next cornrows, faux-hawk, or… Oh I could go on for days. But that’s not even the worst of it Aunt Becky. No, sometimes, some horrible times, it’s entirely shaved off! I don’t know how much longer I can handle this Aunt Becky! I have nowhere else to turn, what is that sad abandoned hairosexual to do?

    1. His hair is a beast that simply cannot be tamed. It cannot! It must be FREEEEEEE like the WIIIIINNNNNNDDDDD.

      We must accept that David Beckham’s hair, which is glorious (BE STILL MY HEART), will always be untamed.

      WILD HEARTS ROAM FREEEEEEE.

  29. This reminds me that Jack Bauer and I were to be married as soon as he was done saving the world. Hmmmm 24 has ended but he hasn’t shown up yet. I swear if some bitch is trying to stop this marriage….

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