Eleventy-billion (read: 6) years ago, I was in school. Nursing school, if you want to be pedantic about it, which, as Pranksters, I’m sure you do, because obviously.

As the three of you who have read my blog since I started spewing my words and polluting the Internet may remember, Nursing School was not = to Aunt Becky’s BFF. In fact, Nursing School was PROBABLY my archenemy, if it had feelings, which, I’m presuming, it did not. Otherwise it’d have spit on me whenever I got too close…kinda like that patient on the psych ward.

Alas, I digress.

I was the Bad Kid, the Black Sheep, the Outcast. I’d gone from sitting in the back row, eagerly spitting out answers to questions to sitting in the back row, playing Bejeweled on my phone as I pretended to be anywhere but, well, there.

Every break I got, I popped out to the front steps to smoke my cigarettes and glower at the happy college students bounding past me – probably carefree music majors – until one day, a boy showed up and introduced himself. Ryan was his name, and he was one of two boys in the program, which meant that he was as big an outcast as I.

We’d pass the time that way, he and I, sitting on the stoop of the Nursing School building, me smoking while he talked about his time as a Patient Care Tech. Having never worked in a hospital before, I was fascinated by stories like, “So this one time, I helped this old man onto the toilet and his balls actually dipped into the water.” I hadn’t realized that testicles got REALLY dangly as men age. On those steps, we devised an invention to keep ball bags out of the water: a small intertube that the testicles could comfortably rest in.

As our college (Elmhurst College, for those of you curious about which institution would give a diploma to someone like me) was set on a forest preserve, it wasn’t too long before his bizarre-ness came to light.

One day, as I carefully threw away my omnipresent Diet Coke bottle, a squirrel popped out of the garbage can, just like it owned the fucking place. Like the teenage girl I was (not), I shrieked and jumped back.

“I hate those motherfucking things,” Ryan said, as he chased it away from me.

“Huh?” I wasn’t sure if he was talking about my Diet Coke or the garbage can. With Ryan, you never did know.

“Squirrels. They’re fucking rats with tails. And have you seen their creepy, beady eyes? They’re going to murder us while we sleep,” he said.

I goggled at him, mouth hanging open wide enough for several squirrels to make their wee nests in.

While I’ve felt particularly vitriolic about some things (see also: the color orange and earwigs), I couldn’t imagine anyone actively HATING squirrels. They’re just so…cute! And fuzzy! And fluffy! And FULL of the awesome.

Before any roving squirrels could nest in my mouth, a mental picture popped into my head: squirrels banding together into one gigantic murderous squirrel, breaking into his dorm room, to murder him in a nut-filled haze while he slept. And then, well, I busted out laughing.

“What are you laughing about?” he demanded. “I’m putting together some fliers to post around the school, trying to ban the squirrels from living here.”

I laughed so hard that my sides ached and I couldn’t breathe. He was just so…serious.

“Will you help me?” he asked.

“Sure,” I replied, gasping for air. “Can we ban the color orange, too?”

“NO!” he nearly shouted. “That’s my favorite color.”

“I heard that squirrels love the color orange,” I lied. “You should probably get on that immediately.”

“Oh,” he replied. “I guess I can support your cause if you support mine.”

“You got it,” I agreed, even though I find squirrels to be the apex of awesome.

And that was how I ended up putting up hand-drawn posters all over campus that said, “BAN THE SQUIRRELS. THEY’RE PLANNING TO EAT YOUR BRAIN AND DRINK YOUR BEER.”

Because that, Pranksters, is how political Your Aunt Becky gets.

—————

So dish, Pranksters: what’s the dumbest thing you’ve gotten behind?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

55 Responses to Squirrel Boy

  • Erin says:

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ryan sounds JUST like my husband. Unfortunately for my husband, we have a family of squirrels in the tree in our backyard that just continue to breed. Ryan would have a fucking coronary!

  • Haha!!!! I’ve been actively terrified of squirrels all my life, until March of 2009 when I met some lovely little British squirrels in Greenwich Park while on vacation. British squirrels are fucking cute like whoa – they’re all gray and furry and chubby. Not like American squirrels (read: skinny, redheaded like a stepchild, mean, etc). I’m pretty sure they chattered in a British accent, too.

    So apparently it’s only American squirrels that I hate, although I still swerve to avoid them if they run out in front of my car. The hate doesn’t run THAT deep. I’m no murderer.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I once ran into an opossum (the meanest animal ever) and felt guilty for 4 seconds until I realized it wasn’t dead.

      • Amy says:

        Those things FREAKY. We sometimes get them in the back yard and they are supposedly very aggressive as well as bigger than my dogs. HATE them. Usually see one or two dead on the road every week on the way to work. Bleh.

        Silliest prank? Duct taping someone’s room in University. EVERYTHING in the damned room. Payback was a bitch though.

  • Catherine says:

    How funny, they are capable of choas. So much so my husband built 2 houses for the squirels placed high in the oak trees. They have little doors even a deck. Hilarious, they actually layout in the sun. One house is called The Nut House and the other says Public Housing. He built the houses because one year a hawk snared each of the 5 squirrels, so 4 of them ran around with no tails, No.5 was never seen again.

    They are amusing as is my husband, but they do plan to rule the world.

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    I helped promote Safer Sex Week while at Duke and handed out condoms on the walkway.

  • Whitney Soup says:

    i guess unless you’re in nursery school, smoking is bad for you. ha

  • CycleNinja says:

    “…what’s the dumbest thing you’ve gotten behind?”

    The little old lady in traffic.

  • CycleNinja says:

    Actually the dumbest thing I ever got behind was the Cubs in ’89, I think.

  • I’m not saying United Way is a bad organization or that they are somehow not worth of support, but the only reason I volunteer is for the big soup banquet they put on at the end where you get to gorge yourself on 12 different soups, salads, and breads… oh and I get time off work to organize pay to play events for the office. I choose to mind the bean bag tournament.

  • Auntie Dee says:

    We had a flying squirrel in the house one year and my big burly husband was freaked out…my twin boys were told to stay in the living room while the hubby took a bb gun and “hunted” the thing down. It took over an hour and numerous bbs to kill the poor thing. Very sad (and by sad I mean gross).

  • Pete In Az says:

    Dam tree rats.. :(

  • Irant says:

    That picture is obviously fake – squirrels use M-60s and AKs . . .

    K

  • tilly says:

    My neighbor feeds our squirrels peanuts. I though it was cute. And then, I was sitting on the porch, playing Angry Birds, when the squirrel came up to me, looking for some nuts. It was really close, and at first I was all “How cute and amazeballs is this?” And then I shifted a little, and the damn thing went up on its hind legs…and Growled. At me. I was terrified, held hostage by this thing with beady eyes and, apparently, the ability to eat my face.

    • Carrie says:

      I went to Kent State University where there is an annual festival in honor of the many, many black squirrels there. I used to feed the squirrels who had come to expect it. And God help you if you ran out of squirrel chow because they do become downright pissed. They will growl, make these unhappy screechy noises, whip their tails around and make you feel like PREY. The good news is, if they do attack, you won’t get rabies; they aren’t carriers.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. GOD, I wish I had a picture!

  • Carrie says:

    I’m from PA’s neighboring state, Ohio, and had many friends who attended college in Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania is not a state, it’s a “commonwealth”, whatever *that* is. I should add that PA is very long and takes a long time to drive through, east to west. My sister lived in NJ at the time, so I made the trip a few times. Add to that the fact that the speed limit for the entire drive through the state was 55 m.p.h. For these reasons, at some point, I began referring to PA as The People’s Republic of Pennsylvania (or PRPA for short.) One of my friends had an extended college stay in PRPA, then an extended visit to a Pittsburgh grad school that seemed hesitant to let him leave. I finally sent a letter to Amnesty International seeking their help in his release. No, they never responded.

  • No no no no Ryan had it wrong it’s Chipmunks that are lookin to take us out! On my honeymoon(which clearly this was a sign things would go really really bad but I was too dumb to get it) I saw one chipmunk sitting on a fence while hiking. I went up to talk to it(yes yes I know….crazy) and it jumped on my leg. Then another chipmunk came running from under the bushes and hopped on my leg, then one must’ve lept out of the tree because there was a third one on the back of my shirt….chattering away in their own little chipmunk language. Before long I had 10…yes 10 chipmunks climbing and clawing all over me as my EX husband did NOTHING but stand there.

    Damn chipmunks

  • Amanda says:

    hmmm that would have to be San Diego’s Cutest Pet Photo Contest!!! I entered my dog on a whim and after my sister got REAL gung-ho about it (ie. checking his status EVERY SECOND and registering every email she had with a username to vote for him!), I became obsessed to. I basically assaulted all my classmates/friends/family and made them register and vote for my dog every day. ITS JUST A CUTE DOG CONTEST!!!

    Ps it doesnt end until the 7th so feel free to go vote. HAHAAHHAHA

    http://uniontrib.upickem.net/engine/Details.aspx?p=V&c=38889&s=11159371&i=1#SD

  • Alexis
    Twitter: theangelalexistwitter.com
    says:

    I don’t have anything against squirrels as long as they remain at least fifty feet away from me at all times. my cousin is in the U. S. Navy, and while he was waiting for his security clearance to come through, his job was to use a mop to keep squirrels off wet cement until it dried. Once one of those fucking squirrels actually charged right at him, and he had to kill it with his mop. That was the closest we hope this particular cousin will ever come to combat during his military stint, because even though we love him, the idea of having him as our last line of defense between us and the terrorists is pretty damned frightening.

    Anyway, squirrels can exist or not as long as they keep a safe distance from me, but what I REALLY hate are opossums. Have you ever seen an opossum up close and personal? Those freaking things absolutely ooze pure evil out of every pore.

  • Grace says:

    I love squirrels. My neighbor has a yard full of trees, and I’ve watched the cute little buggers play back and forth from tree to tree. But the neighbor has done some major trimming recently, and he’s pissed them off. Pretty sure they’re plotting his demise…

  • Andrea says:

    I’ve never really and truly gotten behind a cause, but this post makes me realize that I should…with absolute reckless friggin abandon…no matter what the hell it is!!!!!! Love it! Love the story. Love the laugh! Thank you!

  • Caroline says:

    Squirrels are evil. The black ones actually have a bounty on my head. They tried to kill me thrice (oh yeah, that’s a word). Once while I was on my bike, once when I was walking and once when I was driving (this one actually cost me a tire). They are evil little bastards and their cuteness is meant only to distract you from their murderous intents. Watch your back.

  • Wombat Central
    Twitter: wombatcentral
    says:

    Anyone else here a little worried that Ryan the crazee squirrel hater was going to become a nurse and take care of people in fragile states? Just me then?

    Okay, I will admit that I want my dog to eat the squirrel that comes in our yard. Or at least scare it away. She practically high fives the damn rodent.

  • Jonah Gibson says:

    I once made plans to rob the place where I worked with my mentor who was a manager in another division of the same company. He wanted to make my boss look bad. I wanted the money. Fortunately the idea did not seem so compellingly awesome once I’d sobered up.

  • Tom
    Twitter: DiatribesAndOs
    says:

    Once upon a time, I had a buddy at the office that smoked so I would go outside with her to walk and gossip (bitch) when she took her breaks. One day she was wearing a brown skirt and a green sweater and must have looked like shrubbery because a squirrel climbed her leg and its little claws got caught in her pantyhose. She screamed bloody murder and danced around like a tribal medicine man until it finally freed itself. By that time, everyone in the office had their faces pressed against the windows and they were laughing their butts off. Priceless! But still not enough to get her to stop smoking.

  • Mandy says:

    I have to say I agree with Ryan. A friend of mine was accosted by a squirrel back in college. Had to go to the emergency room to get her ear sewn back up and a rabies shot. Aggressive little bastards. Never put up posters around campus about it, but then again I’m not very political when it comes to squirrels.

  • Dawn says:

    Marriage.

  • Marta says:

    That is so absurd, I almost doubt its authenticity. The dumbest thingI got behind is that I didn’t break up with my college boyfriend after he had an excorcism. A FUCKING EXCORCISM. And you know why? Because the demon inside of him let me blow him. Makes a girl feel all warm and tingly when I guy gets an exorcism after that.

  • Suniverse says:

    Ugh, sorry Aunt Becky, squirrels ARE awful rats with giant tails. They suck and make stupid noises when trying to taunt our cats. Also, there’s something really furtive about the way they’ll hide on the other side of a tree when you’re walking past, like they’re trying to kill you.

    Rat fucking bastards.

  • john says:

    why do I hear a Dr Demento song playing in my personal life soundtrack?…

    Perhaps I can get you to join the organization that is working to ban Di-Hydrous Oxide. The stuff is really bad… its found in acid rain and cancer cells! Just don’t make up posters with the formula written out. Most people can figure out what H2O is, and then they won’t support the cause.

  • Christy says:

    I know I’m late to jump on the comment bandwagon here, but I have a perfect example of why the squirrels are evil. At least on par with possums.
    I was sleeping in one morning when I felt something skitter across my shoulders. Then heard the clickety-clackety noise that was claws on my desk. Yes, it was a squirrel. My brother thought it was hilarious to LET ONE IN THE HOUSE…purposely to amuse himself and make me pee in my pants…and to promptly call my father to come home from work immediately to capture the little bastard and put him back outside. TERRIFYING….they might still make me pee a little when they get too close…

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