On Monday, the UPS guy came to my house. Generally, that signifies something a) FULL of the awesome or b) mind-numbingly boring, but this week, I hadn’t ordered anything. So I figured it was probably the dyslexic UPS guy delivering something for my neighbor. Which is option three, I guess.

However, the package was addressed to me and it weighed approximately 600 pounds. That had to be good, right?

(I learned one year, after my brother wrapped up a small book in a large television box that size really doesn’t matter)

But heaviness? WIN.

Eagerly I tore into it, confused as to who had sent me anything – forgetting it had just been my birthday – and came to a nicely wrapped box from my friend Crystal.

In it, I found this:


Six motherfucking cans of Spam.

While I do admit to an unnatural love of encased meat products, my love does not and has never involved Spam. Especially Spam with bacon. There’s just something so terribly wrong with this.

I gagged as I neatly placed them in my china cabinet, next to the Cock Soup another Prankster sent me, and realized precisely what this Spam needed.

Fucking cats with fucking laser beams coming out of their heads.

I have the best Pranksters ever.

32 thoughts on “Spam, Spam, SPAM

  1. You might be surprised. I abhor Spam…but the Bacon Spam. Is. Fucking. Awesome. Slice that shit up, fry it up, add some eggs, some cheese, and some salsa.

    Ok. going to get that for dinner this evening!

  2. This disproves the theory that everything is better with bacon…

    Do you have any Hawaiian friends? Spam is a delicacy on the big island, and one of my friends raves about his wife’s “Spam Taquitos.”

  3. EEWWW Spam with bacon?!?! I am gagging right along with you! Although I know there are people out there who like it. Well, they can have it!

  4. eugh. gross. meat does not belong in a can, i’m sorry aunt motherfucking becky. and i love bacon as much as the next non-vegetarian but really, this is just too much.

    also? vegetarians love bacon-flavored things too. did you know bac-os are not actually made of bacon and are, in fact, vegetarian friendly? true story.

  5. Glad your friend supplied you with the best food in time of famine!

    Even Mr. Snarky Anthony Bourdain got into the insanity of the Island-style of Spam consumption some years back…

    Our president’s favorite childhood snack – Spam Musubi – available at all Minit Stops (our local version of gas station/snack supplier). Eat it for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Get your protein, carb and kelp any ol’ time of the day. LOL!

    And now with Bacon? Wow… special indeed! Not sure if it is on island quite yet. I’ll hear the stampede to those aisles soon, I am sure.

  6. One Christmas my brother wrapped a huge rock and gave it to me. It was heavy (feels exciting!) and he talked it up for weeks before Christmas. Total big brother move.

  7. That just made me throw up in my mouth a bit. Good thing is, if we get attacked by Zombies or whatever you’ll be ready. That stuff lasts forever.

  8. Meat should not come in a can with a key. I know it’s not a real “key” anymore, but remember when they had that?

    Does Spam have a born on date?

  9. Well I obviously have f*cking PMS because I saw those cans and thought, “holy shit that would be excellent fried with an egg then topped with cheese and made into a big ass egg/spam grilled cheese.’

    I just clogged an artery looking at it.

  10. Do you want me to send you some Taylor Ham instead?? It’s freaking amazing, not in a can, did I mention AMAZING?

  11. Am I the only one who assumed this post was going to be about Spam, as in unsolicited, unwanted, and annoying email messages? I’m SO off my game today.

  12. If I was on the verge of starvation (in any possible situation) and the only food source was spam…….I would let myself die! That’s how fuck!ng gross this sh!t is to me. I think you should burn it……..burrrrrrn it!

  13. For some reason I have been hearing and seeing Spam references all over the place the past week. Comments here notwithstanding, most of what I have heard has been good, so good in fact that I have had my curiosity piqued even though I have been busy abhorring the very thought of Spam for decades. …Now with bacon. That’s the shizzle!

  14. Oh, Aunt Becky, you have saddened me for the first time ever. How could you not realize how full Spam is of teh awesome? OK, no, it’s not vodka. Or vicodin. Be that as it may, the world would be a sadder place without Spam. And Spam with Bacon? Possibly the only thing more awesome than Spam would have to be Spam with Bacon.

  15. Sounds like the only thing missing from that china cabinet is a nice big can of Spotted Dick! (available at Cost Plus World Market)

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