Remember how awesome Oregon Trail was when you were a kid?

I do.

I’d purposefully name my banker and his mess of kids after people I hated and deliberately kill them by being all, “YEAH, FORGE THAT RIVER NOW, MOTHERFUCKER. SEE IF YOU CAN AFTER I’VE OVERLOADED YOUR BAGS.”

Then they’d drown or die of Typhus or something equally glamorous while I rubbed my small hands together, cackling evilly.

What? Don’t tell me you didn’t do it too.

Now I’m old and I bought the Oregon Trail app for my iPhone (it may be the only app besides Cat Paint I actually used) and was still all, “VENGEANCE SHALL BE MINE! MINE!” until I realized that the game sucked. Like, I don’t know if it sucked so hard when we were kids but now? It blows ass. No one dies. No one gets mysterious diseases. No one can be easily drown in the river. Especially not computer people you’ve named after people you hate (see also: Starbucks Lady).

I don’t even think there are yaks in that game. And without yaks, what the fuck good IS it?

(answer: a hot pile of bullshit)

I was pretty mopey after I realized how much the game sucked now.

Just like I’m mopey at this particular moment because I woke up sick. Again. If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, first let me give you my deepest apologies. Then, I will remind you that every other week I am sick.

You’re probably all, “Yo, AB, stop licking toilets and shit, and you’ll feel better!” and you’d be right. Except that I’ve never licked a toilet NOT EVEN ON A BET (which is saying a lot)(I love a good bet).

It turns out that some of us (read: me) have shitty immune systems. I have since I was a baby. And considering my mother was on Lithium while she got pregnant with me, I think that I got off pretty easy. I mean, that shit is HARDCORE.

Doesn’t make having to explain to people that “yes, in fact, I am sick again. Also: you can call me Typhoid Aunt Becky if you want to. Also also: send presents” any better. Why? Because people are like ‘HOLY FUCKBALLS, ARE YOU EATING POO OR SOMETHING?”

Which. Um. No. Ew.

But it makes me wish I could tell someone I was suffering from malaria or glandular fever or something more glamorous than being like “I Haz A Virus.” Then, at least, I’d have an excuse to feel like I’ve been run over by a truck ON MY FAVORITE FUCKING HOLIDAY. Then, I could mope around the house WITH REASON and moan histrionically because I had a glamorous Oregon Trail Disease.

Instead, I’m just going to ice my eyeballs and see if I can disable the doorbell so I don’t cry each time it rings tonight. Which, since I’m giving out big ass Twix bars (thank YOU, Twix) should be often.

But fuck, I wish I had one of those Oregon Trail Diseases.

39 thoughts on “Sometimes I Wish I Were Dying Of One Of Those Oregon Trail Diseases

  1. Holy shit! I did the exact same thing. I loaded that Oregon Trail app and was gonna destroy some lives.

    Sucks balls.

    I’m still all about Zork on my phone tho. (look for Frotz app)

  2. My nickname as a kid was Typhoid Emmy cuz i was ALWAYS sick. I’m a lot better now but when i get sick now it isn’t pretty. Feel better soon Aunt B!

  3. Being from Oregon, this is a big thing to us out here. When I was in grade school and we played it on the Apple II’s in our computer lab it was adding your BEST FRIENDS as your members on your trip and possibly adding the girl you like as your wife. Buy tons of oxen, bullets and clothing and hope to GOD that your shit don’t break.

    Also, does anyone get Dynsentary anymore?

  4. And if you did survive forging the river, and caught a cold, at least you’d be a sick hero.

    I loved that game so much. I deeply disappoints me that nobody dies anymore, that was the best part. That and killing buffaloes guilt-free.

  5. Hey Aunt Becky,
    I’m not a doctor (but I play one on TV…no wait, I don’t even do that, but whatever)…
    What’s your WBC count like? I used to be sick constantly, and a new GP took some blood tests on a regular basis and as it turns out I make enough WBC, but then my body destroys them. Therefore, sick. All. The. Time. I am managing it with a shot a week of gin (no wait, Neupogen) and I fell like a billion dollars. With inflation like it is these days, it’s not good enough to only feel like a million dollars.
    You can schedule your next appointment with my receptionist.

  6. I feel your pain, sister. My hypothyroidism (I refer to it as hippothyroidism, because, shit, shy would God give me the one where you LOSE weight) and proximity to a 1-y-o in daycare make me feel sick all the time. I find the more beers I have, the less sick I feel, though.

  7. I sended you a GLORIOUS prize in the mail last week and you got sick? I haz a sad. Maybe you should stick one of those wolf stickers on your head. Then you can be “I haz a wolf on mah head, diseases! Stay away!” Or just look like you tried to do something for Halloween.

    1. That shirt is awesome!! But I have to wonder, does the girl modeling it have any idea what she’s wearing? She can’t be old enough to remember the game.

  8. Yup, i named my Oregon Trail characters after people i hated, and killed them too! i’m so glad someone else admits to doing that – it seemed i was the only one!

  9. Dear Favorite Aunt Becky,
    This Becky is sick on her favorite holiday too. Let’s find someone to blame it on and beat the crap out of them….


    The other Becky

  10. My husband has a “You have died of dysentery” shirt. He put it on to go to work one night, and I reminded him that he works at the Mayo Clinic and he might actually see someone who has dysentery, so he decided not to wear it. Maybe you could get one of the shirts and just tell people you have it?

    I hope you feel better soon!

  11. All I know is that it’s not Lupus…or most likely not. I mean, we’ll probably assume it’s Lupus for 2/3rds of the show and then that theory will be debunked and we’ll be back to square one thinking you eat too much poo.
    Sorry you’re feeling shitty on this great day 🙁

  12. Oregon Trail fucked me up as a kid. I would stress so hard about my family dying that I would cry. But it was like crack. I kept going back to it, even though I knew I was a killer. Fuck you, rattlesnake in a boot!

  13. Haha I had to ask my husband what Oregon Trail was (10 age difference comes in handy sometimes)

    I’m all “Baby WTF is Oregon Trail?” Hub is all “OMFG best game EVER you could play on the Apple. You could kill people off. AND you could have a girlfriend”- I knew he was a nerd but OT computer girlfriend is kinda sad….

    I hope you are feeling better soon! I totally feel you on how hard it sucks being sick on the best holiday ever. My kids are all infected and snotty. And pissy. *sigh* At least I live way out in BFE so no little beggars ringing my doorbell tonight. Which is probably a good thing. I’m liable to strangle some little goblins for waking my disease ridden(did I mention pissy?) brood.

  14. (1) I have a horrid immune system too.
    (2) I LOVED Oregon Trail — oxen dying left and right and Susie getting Scarlet Fever or Rickets or Scurvy or whatever-the-fuck. Oh how I miss the old days…

  15. Many a happy moment spent playing Oregon Trail and the original Where In The World is Carmen SanDiego.? Back when computer games were awesome and simple.

  16. Let’s share in the Sick or Treat suck together. I woke up on Sunday with the miserable fuckshitedness known as a sinus infection. Just in time to ruin my favorite holiday of the year and just to add to the misery…it effing SNOWED. Nothing makes me more stabbity than being sick and snow. My two least favorite things in the world for sure. Gone were my dreams of dressing in my ridiculous Snooki costume. In preparation I spray tanned myself a beautiful shade of carrot and now I just look like Rudolph the red-nosed carrot. Epic Halloween fail.

  17. God bless you. My poor husband gets sick ALL the damn time. Like OMFG. People in my family don’t get sick. Or they do very rarely and when we do its not the flu. We have to get weird serious chit like phylonephritis or cancer or some other major bullshit that requires hospitalization. I’ve wished I could just get the damn flu instead of something freaky. Well be careful what you wish for b/c I married my husband and damn if he doesn’t get it. That man gets sick over EVERYTHING. And his mother is the same way! And she’s a doctor! Turns out they’ve got some sort of low levels of some sort of immuno-serum-ness-thingy so its no wonder they get sick all the time and its one of those chitty genetic things. I’m hoping our kids can beat the odds and instead of winding up w/ the worst of both worlds (get sick all the time AND get big/weird sick) and instead get my never-catch-the-flu-ness with his never-get-big-weird-sick-ness and be like unbreakable or some chit like that. … I lead a rich fantasy life we know. But hey, it could happen!

  18. I just always tell people I have consumption when I get sick. I think it sounds kind of glamorous.

    PS The computer version of Oregon Trail [WHICH IS AND ALWAYS FANTASTIC] has lots of death and destruction.

  19. In the Preschool Thanksgiving play, my 4yo has been asked to dress as — and act out — the line in the play “Many Pilgrims did not survive that winter.” I bet you’re jealous…

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