Now, I don’t watch much reality TV. Putting twenty people in an isolated bubble for six to nine months and expecting them to perform incredible acts and engage in weird wild behavior is kinda boring to me. If I want weirdness, all I have to do is look at my kids. Or in the mirror.

The only reality television show I’ve watched in recent years is American Idol, and I stopped watching after Mormon-Face won.

(I did, however, adore The Real World, with Puck and Pedro. ZOMGBBQWTF I am dating myself.)

I’ve occasionally tuned into the Biggest Loser for a minute or two, because it makes me feel good to eat cheeseburgers and be all, “YOU KNOW YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS, DON’T YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS?” to the poor contestants sweating of their pounds. Then I quickly switch to something MORE gruesome and dark, because that’s what I prefer.

It seems I only watch depressing, dark television shows AFTER they’ve been pulled off the air. I’m going to guess that my funk is due to the end of Prison Break, which still makes me weep.

Last year, I noticed half the blog world was doing something called “The 30 Day Shred,” a workout designed by the cute-as-a-button Jillian Michaels. Well, I thought flippantly as I ordered the workout DVD from Amazon, I bet I just lost like 7 pounds just ordering it.

I was gonna be a SHREDHEAD.

I got the DVD in the mail and stared it down, knowing that just OWNING it would make me lose a bunch of weight.

Eventually, I realized I should probably take it out of the plastic wrap and open it up. BINGO! Another 4 pounds gone, I figured, patting myself on the back heartily.

Now here’s the thing, Pranksters, I kinda love to work out. Which is probably not something you’d expect from me, but it’s true. There’s some sick part of me that loves to get all hot and sweaty and strong. So when I went to the basement (to avoid roving crotch parasites who would most certainly smack me on the ass while I worked out), I was pretty pumped to get my workout on.

I did it.

Then I did it again.

Then I did it the next day.

I felt great….for someone who couldn’t walk. My leg muscles had turned to jello, and the very act of rolling over in bed caused me to cry out in pain. Some sick part of me was awfully proud of this.

So I kept on it. Shredding my cares away.

Until, I noticed pain in a place that I couldn’t quite explain away.

My foot.

I’d hurt my foot when I’d fallen down the stairs, very early into my pregnancy with Amelia. I’d never been able to properly treat it, thanks to my gestating crotch parasite, instead, I wore Das Boot and iced it whenever possible.

(sidebar: do you KNOW how people treat you when you’re pregnant, wearing a gigantic boot? Like you’re suffering an IQ of 12. It was, quite possibly, the weirdest thing I’ve ever experienced. People talking to me slowly and loudly while making it clear they thought I was mentally-challenged.)


And we all know what happens when I get pregnant: I get fat. All that extra weight on my poor injured foot lead to more pain. By the end of my pregnancy, my feet had swollen so badly that I couldn’t wear shoes and the hurt one was approximately the size and shape of a cinder block.

I delivered the girl and the swelling went down, and frankly, I had bigger fish to fry than my poor ickle foot. It could have been on fire and I wouldn’t have noticed.

Last spring, when I decided to do Das Shred, it aggravated my old injury. I had to stop.

I was a #ShredFailure

Unfortunately, this injury also put a stop to my gardening abilities last year. So it’s no surprise that my garden is half-complete, my roses sadly suffering from Black Spot. I’d managed to get outside this weekend, before it got Ass Cold again, to fix some of what was left undone, but I’m actually ashamed by the state of my yard.

So, Jillian Michaels, wherever you are; you can crawl out from under your piles of money and get your pert, perky ass to my house and help me fix it.

Hey, I’ll even let you wear your green sports bra and spanky short-shorts.

69 thoughts on “Somehow This Is All Jillian Michaels Fault

  1. Jillian Michaels is a bitch and you’re perfect just like you are, Motherfucking Aunt Becky! I wanna see a pic of your foot. Gah, that sounded fetish-y! And zomgbbqwtf was FULL of the awesome.

  2. Oh that just sucks. It’s not just you though. I did it for two weeks and badly pulled my meniscus ligament. It’s still messed up 7 weeks later. Yeah. Jillian sucks. Woman is a menace. Ha.

    I’ve heard that she doesn’t have you stretch enough first.

    I’ve started doing the wii fit. Much lighter but still a work out…you know, when I turn it on.

  3. Blaming Jillian for your gardening woes is justifiable and won my heart. So did your accurate use of the word parasite. I had to subscribe just for those 2 reasons alone. Great post!

  4. I got the same video after the birth of my daughter. I did it for about two weeks, and every time I put it on, I had to crank the volume to about 80 to be able to hear it over my screaming child. She only screamed when she heard Jillian Michaels’s voice. That’s when I knew Jillian Michaels is evil. It was a really good workout, but all the screaming killed the mood.

  5. Well I say blame it on Kim Kardashian, because that skinny bitch put her hot little face on this diet pill that would supposedly cure all my fatness. Hmph. Thought I’d give it a try, because my work-10-million-hours job doesn’t let me do the whole workout thing that I’d love to do. And sitting at my desk in the dining room (right next to the kitchen) all stressed about not meeting my deadlines… not so good for the willpower to eat less. Yesterday the cute purple pills gave me an awesome caffeine high. Today, nausea. yay! I guess that’s how it helps you lose weight… Better than tapeworm, right? Maybe she and Jillian are in cahoots.

  6. puck was an asshole!!!! pedro was awesome, what a sad loss. did you know that pam and the curly headed cartoonist dude got married and rachel and eric did too??

    im dating myself right along with you :D:D

  7. The Amazing Race….only reality television I’ve watched with any consistancy and seeing how the last time I watched it they were on Amazing Race 2 or 3…it’s been awhile………..All I watch these days is Chuggington.

    But yeah……..exercise is dangerous and sucks and it’s always Jillian Michael’s fault.

  8. There must be some strange time space something or other problem within my home because the time thing below my name says that I posted this 5 HOURS AGO… has barely been 5 SECONDS. Maybe it’s the whole blink of an eye phenomenom (spelling?).

  9. Jillian’s 30 day shred also aggravated 2 dormant injuries in me as well. It’s been 4 months since my last shred workout and my knees and shoulder are still completely fucked.

    I’m not fitness newbie either. I love to work out and consider myself fit. It’s a shame that such an awesome workout can cause such damage. I have heard this quite a bit actually.

  10. I Blame Jillian for most everything that is wrong with my life okay her and others but you know. And I have several work out DVD’s I stare at to lose weight I feel skinnier already cause I stared at them this morning. I am full of the win already today. No I must get Jillian Michaels to my house after she goes to yours to do my garden simply because I don’t know what to plant and I am to lazy to think of things so yeah.

    1. Oh Also we’re moving and I don’t want to spend a shit ton of money but I want it to look like the best damn garden EVER and she has piles of money she needs to come spend her money cause it would be chump change for her.

  11. I can sympathize with the foot injury. I too love to exercise and have an injury that flares up and disables me from not only exercise but other things like paying bills and cooking and cleaning…. whoopsies.

  12. I haven’t gotten to watch any of Jillian’s videos but I DO know that My Lovely Fianceeโ„ข has three of her DVDs festering atop her entertainment center. I think my window scraper has been used more than those DVDs lately (I haven’t been able to find it since November). And I like Rebecca’s spelling better: Phenomenomnomnom.

  13. I am also a #shredfailure.
    Mostly because of the jumping jacks and jump rope moves. Do you KNOW what happens when you jump around after having 2 children? And I refuse to wear depends when exercising, soooo…

    1. Amen, sistah! I have the exact same problem. Great workout, totally doable, even for a chubster like me, except for the jumping jacks/jump roping

  14. I too am a shred failure. But more because I find Jillian Michaels to be a shrewish harping bitch in her video. I don’t need someone to treat me like the enemy and tell me all the reasons I have to stop being a quitter. I need someone to tell me to keep at it, that I can do it, and that it’s going to work as long as I keep moving. I’m a Walk Away The Pounds success. But Jillian Michaels, can suck my ass.

  15. I had to wear a stupid boot after bunion surgery twice. It was so unbelievably cumbersome, I can only begin to imagine what an asshole it would have been while pregnant as well. You are a warrior woman.

    After my first bunion surgery, Mea was still small (eighteen months) so I still had baby gates everywhere. I was attempting to jump (ha!) the baby gate with my lovely boot, and slipped. Caught myself on the door frame and the bookshelf so I didn’t fall, but managed to pull a mucsle in my armpit.

    Even the percocet couldn’t dull that armpit pain. I shit you not.

  16. 30 Day shred is responsible for nearly knocking me out. I was doing those jumping jack things & slipped on the floor, fell forward and in my attempt not to fall into the tv, I ducked to much and cracked my head on the edge of the tempured glass tv stand.

    No shit. I saw stars & everything went black for a couple seconds.

    That DVD is damn dangerous.

  17. Okay, so this made me laugh: ZOMGBBQWTF
    And this: Dubya-Tee-Eff
    Hooray initialisms!

    Also, having done the 30 day Shred (though certainly not 30 consecutive days — was that really the idea? If so, #shredfail), I feel your pain. Except mine is in my knees.

    I don’t think that “sink it way down and around” stretching is enough to prevent the pain and loosen things up. Also, lots of jumping probably doesn’t do much for my knees either.

    I never had knee problems before.

    Damn you, Jillian.

  18. I am such a spaz that I often hurt myself whenever I try and improve my physical fitness… I’m trying Crossfit now. Luckily, there have been no injuries as of yet. But really, it’s only a matter of time.

  19. my solution to this problem is to just never do anything that involves exerting more than 100 calories per hour. It works really well; i haven’t been injured since high school!

  20. I just did a spit take after reading the ankle boot line. Hilarious, or should I say h-i-l-a-r-i-oussssss in case the ghost of pregnant with boot foot comes back. And next time I see Jillian’s cardboard cut out at Target I will punch her in her cardboard foot just for you.

  21. The pregnant/big boot part made me laugh out loud. Thank you, I needed that.

    I just heard Jillian say on TV she hates to work out. Really?! Her life must really be sad in that case!

  22. I personally think that anyone who looks as perky and happy as Jillian Michaels does when she exercises is evil to their very core.

    And, I may be clueless but who was Mormon-Face on American Idol?

  23. I’m pretty sure Jillian Michaels is trying to create an army of minions with overdeveloped shoulders and bad knees…

    Also, I found level 3 much easier than level 1.

  24. Jillian is Satan. And simply watching informercials is the quickest way to become thin, beautiful, and a better housekeeper & cook. I know this because I saw it on an the TV. And my television NEVER lies.

  25. I know what it’s like to watch “dark” shows after they’ve gone off the air. My sister was a “my so called life” fan, and I never got into it.
    I did however get into it when I first got cable and they had it on this network called “The N”.
    I watched the entire show (not much of it, eh?), and was pissed right along with my sister that it ended so abruptly. Of course it had been discontinued a frickin’ decade before I had started watching it. But hey, I got there eventually.

    I’m off to go watch Daria on DVD. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  26. Heh. About halfway through reading this I started laughing and have not stopped. I am not sure why. Something about Jillian and the shredding and cheeseburgers…funny.
    I want a cheeseburger.

  27. I am a #ShredFailure too…mostly because I haven’t even bought it yet. But I have given thought to buying it, so that has to count for something, right?


    Kids these days don’t know what they missed in the beginnings of the reality TV phase.

    When I first started running, my son was born. We drove down to Delaware to pick him up (because, you know, there’s no tax when you buy your kid from Delaware…oh, and he was adopted). At some point an elderly woman rolled over my right foot with a luggage cart stacked with Under Armour bags, breaking my big toe. After a few weeks of “the ow,” my left big toe started hurting . . . I was walking differently and gave myself turf-toe in the other foot.

    I, too, blame Jillian Michaels.

  29. Satan’s messenger came to me in the form of Billy Blanks. His black drill sergeant ass kicks my ass multiple times a week. And I will tell you, that bastard is not one bit remorseful of it either!

  30. I have an old foot injury, in high school I was heavy into kickboxing and did a fracture on the bottom of my foot right under the two first toes.
    That shit doesnt heal. In the winter the crack widens to where I can fit my pinkie in it. (just me id straight up smack anyone else who was retarded enough to do that to my foot, only III can cause myself pain for no reason other to see how wide the crack is haha) and im stuck in socks all winter.

    If it was cold while you were working out, try it again in summer. I miss my kick boxing and my running but most of the working out I do has to be low impact to my feet and ankles so it doesnt make the great foot crater of shelly expand and make me cry!!

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