Hey, The Internet, did you hear? There’s this flu out there called the Swine Flu. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of it. Also, there’s this website where you can upload pictures of cats and write hilarious (and not AT ALL ANNOYING) captions like “I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER.”
I figured you could thank me later for letting you know about these two things that managed to fly under the radar.
Because LORD KNOWS, every time you turn on the television, they’re not doing another FEAR MONGER SECTION about the Swine Flu and how it killed yet another innocent family of 41 who was just casually minding their own business, not showing any symptoms (certainly their T-cell count was off the charts normal and not, you know, 1).
Or maybe how of the 6 billion people in the world, The Swine Flu has somehow infected 6 billion and ONE people because it is just THAT wily and awful.
Trust me, it’s not that I don’t take it seriously, because I do. I’m just tired of the media whipping the public up into a fucking frenzy about it. The flu happens every year and every year some people die from it and it sucks every year, but do you have to scare people into going to the ER in droves for a cold? I feel sorry for anyone in heath care right now.
Maybe the media should go back to stringing up people Mothers who Drink (FOR SHAME)(THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!) and burning them at the stake.
We had an outbreak here. A substantial one, truthfully. The high school was shut down for a week when 1,000 kids called in sick, and, well, now Casa de la Sausage has it too. Mostly, Your Aunt Becky has it. My kids seem to have developed minor symptoms while I am, apparently, dying.
So I tested the theory that the Swine Flu was universally scary by telling my children that I probably had it. This is what happened.
“Hey, Amelia, I have the Swine Flu. OOOOOOOH!” (pantomimes scary faces until overtaken by coughing fit)
Amelia’s response: “Amamamamamamama” (laughter) (gnaws on my leg)
Then I interviewed Alex:
“Hey Alex, I have the Swine Flu.”
Alex’s response: “OH NO MOMMY. THE STARS, MOON AND EARTH IS STUCK!” (falls on ground dramatically) “HELP ME FIX IT!”
Hoping that someone might care about my very important sickness, I interviewed Ben next.
“Hey Ben, I have the Swine Flu.”
Ben’s Response, “You should have washed your hands.”
Lastly I informed The Daver.
“Hey, The Daver, I think I have The Swine Flu.”
The Daver’s response, “Well, SHIT, that means I can’t go into work and I have to work from home FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK.” (paces around the room nervously)
Aunt Becky, picturing the prospect of being home with The Daver, pacing the halls and chewing loudly ALL WEEK LONG: “I’m OKAY I’M OKAY.” (tries to get up and faints)
It seems as though no one in my family is altogether impressed by the flu. I’m certainly not, although the amount that I’m sleeping could put my high school self to shame.
And what’s keeping me giggling is the mental picture of some guy walking up and down my street ringing a bell and yelling “BRING OUT YOUR SWINE.”
The fever, she rages mightily.
Strap on a mask, kiddos, grab a bottle of vodka and come and tell Aunt Becky a story as she battles the mighty flu virus.
What is going on with YOU? Oh yeah, I’m talking to YOU!