Hey, The Internet, did you hear? There’s this flu out there called the Swine Flu. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of it. Also, there’s this website where you can upload pictures of cats and write hilarious (and not AT ALL ANNOYING) captions like “I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER.”

AWESOME.

and

ANYWAY.

I figured you could thank me later for letting you know about these two things that managed to fly under the radar.

Because LORD KNOWS, every time you turn on the television, they’re not doing another FEAR MONGER SECTION about the Swine Flu and how it killed yet another innocent family of 41 who was just casually minding their own business, not showing any symptoms (certainly their T-cell count was off the charts normal and not, you know, 1).

Or maybe how of the 6 billion people in the world, The Swine Flu has somehow infected 6 billion and ONE people because it is just THAT wily and awful.

Trust me, it’s not that I don’t take it seriously, because I do. I’m just tired of the media whipping the public up into a fucking frenzy about it. The flu happens every year and every year some people die from it and it sucks every year, but do you have to scare people into going to the ER in droves for a cold? I feel sorry for anyone in heath care right now.

Maybe the media should go back to stringing up people Mothers who Drink (FOR SHAME)(THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!) and burning them at the stake.

We had an outbreak here. A substantial one, truthfully. The high school was shut down for a week when 1,000 kids called in sick, and, well, now Casa de la Sausage has it too. Mostly, Your Aunt Becky has it. My kids seem to have developed minor symptoms while I am, apparently, dying.

So I tested the theory that the Swine Flu was universally scary by telling my children that I probably had it. This is what happened.

“Hey, Amelia, I have the Swine Flu. OOOOOOOH!” (pantomimes scary faces until overtaken by coughing fit)

Amelia’s response: “Amamamamamamama” (laughter) (gnaws on my leg)

Then I interviewed Alex:

“Hey Alex, I have the Swine Flu.”

Alex’s response: “OH NO MOMMY. THE STARS, MOON AND EARTH IS STUCK!” (falls on ground dramatically) “HELP ME FIX IT!”

Hoping that someone might care about my very important sickness, I interviewed Ben next.

“Hey Ben, I have the Swine Flu.”

Ben’s Response, “You should have washed your hands.”

Touche.

Lastly I informed The Daver.

“Hey, The Daver, I think I have The Swine Flu.”

The Daver’s response, “Well, SHIT, that means I can’t go into work and I have to work from home FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK.” (paces around the room nervously)

Aunt Becky, picturing the prospect of being home with The Daver, pacing the halls and chewing loudly ALL WEEK LONG: “I’m OKAY I’M OKAY.” (tries to get up and faints)

It seems as though no one in my family is altogether impressed by the flu. I’m certainly not, although the amount that I’m sleeping could put my high school self to shame.

And what’s keeping me giggling is the mental picture of some guy walking up and down my street ringing a bell and yelling “BRING OUT YOUR SWINE.”

The fever, she rages mightily.

—————–

Strap on a mask, kiddos, grab a bottle of vodka and come and tell Aunt Becky a story as she battles the mighty flu virus.

What is going on with YOU? Oh yeah, I’m talking to YOU!

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

149 Responses to So I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Flu

  • Sarcastica says:

    ROFL this post is awesome!! bahaha

  • maya says:

    If they close schools around here somebody is gonna have bigger problems than the swine flu.

  • Tamra says:

    I’m pretty sure I have swine flu too. Which isn’t too sucky for me (besides maybe dying, etc.) because I would get a break from my roommate for a week AND have free room service.

  • gaylin says:

    Very sorry to hear you have piglet flu. I hope you get better quickly or at least spread it to a lot of other people, I heard that giving it to others makes it go away quicker. (snort, like that would work)

    I had the flu just after Christmas last year and after a week of it I was really tired of me and my fucking small apartment. Then I got better and had to go back to work, hmmm, maybe the flu wasn’t so bad.

    When I phoned into the office to say I was sick and wouldn’t come in, my co-worker graciously asked, Who Is This? Guess I was sick enough to not even sound like me.

    Also the sneezing so hard I peed – I am beautiful and amazing when I have the flu.

  • Well, shit… You should at least be getting your shot on The Today Show. I mean, Levi Johnston was on and he doesn’t have the famous Swine Flu. He’s just posing naked for Playgirl. Maybe if you posed naked while barfing your guts up on the head of an actual swine you could get on The Today Show, too. Oh, wait. I think Levi is also swine so maybe you could just puke on him. I’d watch that. Is delirium one of the symptoms of the flu? Because I’m suddenly seeing some very disturbing images.

  • Deanna says:

    I don’t have a fever but I do have the start of a fatigue-induced migraine since our mechanic called at 5am to tell us we forgot to give him a piece of paperwork, then tried to upsell us to an $800 unnecessary repair. If I could have formed words I’d have told him where to shove that electrical hose. Feel better!

  • moonspun says:

    both my boss and my husband have colds. Not the flu, just coughing and green snot. My husband is running a 50 miles (yes you read that right) race on Saturday. My boss is training for a marathon. Me? I’ve fallen off the running bandwagon now in favor of studying and I am not sick at all.
    yet.

  • Nona says:

    I had the Porky Pig flu, the baconic plague, hamtrax, whatever you want to call it. Not that bad really.

    Felt very tired and sleepy, but I hardly noticed since that’s kind of my default setting.

    The four days off from work were great.

    Kinda wish I could relapse. *Cough*

  • Kori says:

    Well, what’s going on here? I wrote a post thinking I was going to start a shitstorm of hate and discontent and was a little worried but then I realized it didn’t happen that way and I am not sure whether I am glad or a little hurt. Clearly I WANT to be a shit starter, but not REALLY. Shit-starter lite? Mmmmmmmm, maybe. Nope, no Drama for me.

    And then I looked at another sweet newborn baby and reliazed I am ovulating AGAIN and that made me want to run home and attack the man BUT: he is at work, they already think I am a little questionable so maybe sex in the shop is out and besides, he doesn’t want another baby. Again, the insanity bell, she is a ringing.

    That all said, hope you feel better.

  • Ed says:

    Well, I had something. I’m just not sure if it was Swine Flu or really intense apathy.

  • MFA Mama says:

    We always knew the bestiality would catch up with you sooner or later, but…PIGS? For shame.

    We’re a little more paranoid in my house due to the youngest child being medically fragile and have all had shots. Funny story: my kids got the seasonal flu shot and I couldn’t find H1N1 shots anywhere at the time so told them NO MORE SHOTS FOR A YEAR! Then the pediatrician called me and said three of their twenty doses were ours due to high-risk status and I told the kids OKAY ONE MORE SHOT AND WE’LL ORDER PIZZA FOR DINNER AND THEN NO MORE SHOTS FOR A YEAR! PROMISE! YES, I TOTALLY PROMISE THIS TIME! And now? I just found out that kids under ten need a SECOND shot.

    I think I’ll make their father take them during his visitation and then act all shocked and be like “well you KNOW I can’t control what DADDY does to you…”

    Seriously.

  • Cute~Ella says:

    OH no! Feel better. What’s more stressful? Having The Daver work from home all week or taking care of the kiddos while you’re sick?

    My best flu story is when my soph year roomie (who also was a Red Cross Sex educator but had never had sex and put condoms on our wall…) decided that me having the flu and not able to move, but yet was barfing every 45 min was the perfect time to cook Curry Chicken IN OUR ROOM! I got her back though. When she left for the weekend and the power went out on her side of the room, I “didn’t notice” that her clock was off and her mini fridge wasn’t running…No more Curry Chicken for her!

    But the smell of Curry still makes me want to barf.

  • amber says:

    Now is the time to gather everyone you hate (or dislike at least a little) and cough, cough, COUGH on them. Then tell them you have not just the swine flu, but the most deadly form of it. And watch them panic.

    Wouldn’t get you karma points, but it would make you feel better.

    Just a suggestion.

  • Lucy Cooper says:

    I’ll tell you who I’d like to claw today- the parents who KNOW damn well their kids have fever, and oh, yeah, probably the flu, too, but they dose their asses up, put them on the bus, and send them to school to cough all over everyone. I have a friend who’s a school nurse and she said every day her office magically fills up with kids raging with fever at 12:30- after the kids’ big ole morning dose of Tylenol their parents gave them wears off. Who do they think they’re kidding? No schools would be closing if people would keep sick kids where they belong- at home. I know it sucks-mine are home sick this week-but come on, peeps, keep ‘em home!

    • p jane says:

      Oooooooohhhh yes…One co-worker did that (kinda bragged to us all, actually) for three days before the school finally said he couldn’t come back without a doctor’s note. CW griped and moaned about having to pay the $15 copay when she already knew it was the flu since his brother had it, too, but HE was fine at school. I wanted to slap her silly and say, “Maybe if you didn’t buy your usual two bottle of Crown this weekend you could manage that copay,” but instead said, “Hope y’all feel better soon.” STupid people suck.

  • toywithme says:

    Stay off the computer girl, this little piggy could go viral.

  • Shari says:

    yeah, the media sure hypes the flu up to epic portions. I blame them for this huge scare. (although we did loose 2 kids that were in the same family last month. They were just 16 and 18) sad as it is it pisses me off. I am a buyer for our local hospital and do you know how hard it is to get masks and hand sanitizer in the BULK. lemme tell you.. slim to nil. oh.. and lets not talk about the coveted Pediatric masks. Every fucking thing is on allocation. oh… wanna talk about getting the Quick Vue FLU tests? gah.. I am telling this place is giving me more grey hair than my kids.

  • kbrients says:

    Yep– That damn Pig came to our house too. Thankfully it left. All we were left to show for it was a cough… for weeks.

    Fun stuff. Fell better soon!

  • Honestly, you lost me with the title. Because then I started to hear Elton John in my head and completely couldn’t picture you with Swine Flu.

    More like I pictured you rocking a purple shiny shirt and trippy sunglasses singing into your hairbrush. With Amelia gnawing your leg and Alex flailing. And Ben judging you. I guess I absorbed more than I thought.

  • Kristin says:

    Feel better soon Becky! And, if you need a good laugh, head on over to my blog and read about my night with Gabe yesterday.

  • a says:

    I have some sort of virus, thanks to DAYCARE:The world’s largest Petri dish! My girl had a fever for the last couple days, but it was done yesterday, so back to work I go…

    Hope you’re feeling better soon.

    Also, thanks for the Monty Python reference – my favorite movie!

  • MamaOtwins+1 says:

    I like the idea of sleeping more than I did in high school – at least today – because today I feel like crap. But I’m not sleeping, instead I’m at work typing on your blog. Very worklike of me huh.

    No good stories today. I have the strange desire to make one up just so you will feel better. But I’ve got nothing except this that was sent to me today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zb3fhsfs6ZU&NR=1&feature=fvwp

  • Sarah S says:

    Not the flu – something else entirely:
    I went to Mexico last weekend (I live in Southern Arizona so it is just a 40 mile drive for us college kids). And I came back with pink eye. Not as painful. Twice as embarrassing. And one whole day off work because of it. (Something to keep in mind next time anyone desperately needs a day off…)

  • Badass Geek says:

    Bummer, dude. I sort of guessed it was the Hamthrax, but hopefully it’s not.

    Feel better soon.

  • Tricia says:

    I would totally take that flu off your hands, Aunt Becky. I’m only one good stomach flu away from my goal weight.

    Bring out your swine… LOVE IT!!

  • Anjali says:

    Oh, dear. Feel better soon.

  • Dang! Totally sucks to be you. I, on the other hand, along with my boys, received my vaccine last week (I was one of the few) and hope to escape it all together.

    The only thing going on here today is that I’m working at home. Like I do every Wednesday. Except today my husband also decided to work from home. And he’s totally cramping my style. grrrr

    Get better soon!

  • Kelly says:

    I am so sick of watching the news and seeing all that crap, people are so freaking paranoid, we had someone come into the bank the other day and freak out, because we didn’t have hand sanitizer out! WTF? Is that suddenly a requirement now, that all retail establishments have? Jeez.

    I hope you get to feeling better, any flu sucks, but apparently swine flu oinks and sucks.

  • Laura says:

    I am so fucking tired of the Flu! The stress of getting it is going to kill me! On a slow news day, we are all going to die and when there is a big fire or a stabbing, it is like the flu didn’t even exist… grrr.

    And as for all of the parents with sick kids who get sent to school anyway – I hate them. Swine flu, strep, pink eye or just a pile of green snot running down their offspring’s nose – I hate those parents.

    Feel better.

  • Swine Flu (A Play In One Act)

    Lady of The House (played by Ann Hathaway)
    Husband (played by Dave Grohl, lead singer of the Foo Fighters and that ‘ole group Nirvana)

    Setting: Our home. Dishes piled up, tissues strewn about. Children dirty and wide eyed from constant tv watching. Husband arrives home from work (the market is open so.)

    Lady: Babe I have swine flu.
    Husband: You know what helps with that?
    Lady: Why are you always trying to get a blowjob?

    The End

    • Brianna says:

      Men suck. Mine does the same thing. I could be DYING and he’d be all, “You know what’ll make you feel better? *eyebrow waggle*” Fuck you! Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou. And go buy me some tissues.

    • toywithme says:

      Ann Hathaway – nice choice. I hate when the ending “sucks”. And if a blowjob cured everything prostitutes every where would be rolling in dough curing swine flu.

    • MoranChick says:

      I KNOW how obnoxious this is. (Fortunately my husband doesn’t try it when I’m sick. He knows me. He knows it would not go over well.) So why is the Swine Flu Play just making me laugh and laugh and laugh? *sighs* Men.

      • Your Aunt Becky
        Twitter: mommywantsvodka
        says:

        They’re something else, aren’t they? Daver hasn’t thought to do that, thankfully. His head’s shoved pretty far up work’s ass right now, otherwise he probably would. At the risk of getting my foot wedged up his ass.

  • Thanks for the news flash. I had no idea. None. If you have the swine flu you will join the prestigious ranks of “Celebrities” who have also suffered from the outbreak including: one of the guys from Boyz to Men, Brian Littrell (from Backstreet Boys? or is it N’Sync?) and Melissa Rycroft (of “publicly dumped bachelorette fame). Doesn’t that make you feel like one of the elite?

    For new of the flu in my world, see my blog. *sigh*

  • Anna says:

    I was pig-n-fested a couple weeks ago.

    And the swine is all “Ima letyou finish.. but not wiffout gettin yous a cough to hang out wif fo weeks.”

    Fucking Kanye. I blame him for this.

  • Brianna says:

    I’m pretty sure my youngest child and I both have piggy flu. I’m hanging over the toilet half the morning with a raging fever, coughing, hacking, hardly breathing, and my child is the same… minus the puking. Which is good, because cleaning up puke sucks ass. But I’m also pregnant, which sucks ass to begin with.

    How did I get it? My niece was hacking all Halloween night, and they had another confirmed case of piggy flu in their house. I know missing Halloween is akin to flaying oneself alive, but what, we couldn’t add a mask to the costume? Seriously? The child won’t even cover her mouth when REMINDED.

  • Mwa says:

    You manage to be hilarious while sick. Damn, you’re good. What’s going on here? No swine flu, just a recurrence of my anthrax of the breastbone. All fine apart from that.

    Get well soon!

  • Nel says:

    Belle just had the might Swine Flu and I am pretty sure she almost died. She was NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT. And I have been avoiding her because I don’t want to die.

  • amy d says:

    OH NO BEX!!! NOT THE SWINE!!!

    Ben’s comment made me spit out sour cream & chive kettle chips all over my monitor. I love that kid!

    I am currently enduring my 127th day of living with my in laws. It’s not even that it’s so excruciatingly bad anymore. I think I’m kind of numb. 165 more days to go.
    Note to self: scream incoherently at the husband of how much this idea BLOWS!!!!

  • Are you sure it’s the swine flu? Cuz’ from what I have been reading lately it’s being misdiagnosed due to the feeling of ‘well what else could it be?” by doctors. Apparently they mostly don’t test for it anymore just go by symptoms and turns out they are often wrong. So all those people that were just told it was H1N1 maybe didn’t actually have it. So probably there is a mystery illness floating around that nothing is being done about because its assumed to be the swine flu. But the government can’t admit it because they have sunk way too much into it being H1N1. I think the aliens brought it. I read it on the internet so it must be true (on CBS’ website, though not the bit about the aliens)

  • Betty M says:

    Sorry about the flu.
    Here I am cross as the husband is out at gigs two nights in a row and keeps announcing more unmissable business jaunts to places foreign at inconvenient times. So I need that vodka.

  • Shin Ae says:

    I have every sympathy for you at this moment…I hate the flu. The Swine is raging through my kids’ school at the moment and I’m a bit worried. The area we live in has got to be the Asthma Capital of the World (thank you, DuPont) and not wanting to be standoffish or anything we developed some of that goodness ourselves. So…high risk here.

    Also, my glasses broke and I need new ones. And I looked around for some cute new shoes today. Those are the big doings.

    I quivered and had a tiny palpitation when you said The Words, if that makes you feel better.

  • Barbara says:

    Awww…sorry you are so sick. I had the flu last year when I came home from Europe. Makes me feel like I picked it up there and then spread it around the US. But hey….this one started in Mexico! So not my fault! It was horrible. I have never been that sick with a flu before. And I’m someone who doesn’t even get a cold. Ugh….
    Today is the One Year Anniversary of my Blog! I’m proud of myself for sticking with it and blogging every day. **pats self on back**

  • Liza says:

    Yowza… may you recover speedily! And all kids & the Daver stay healthy, too!

    I’ll tell ya about my lovely adventure with some non-piggie form of flu I had while it was my birthday – another day…

    In the mean time:
    Malama pono o ka kino – take care of your body (if I got that translation right).

  • Amanda says:

    What is this flu you speak of?

    Seriously – hubby and I both had some sort of icky at the beginning of the month and, like I said, thought I might cough my lungs up but alas, I did not. I’m sure though that the dudes on the bus would have preferred it over my constant hacking.

    Hope you feel better soon and HA on the Daver – he gets to see what your life is like!

    Hugs to you today!

  • Cat says:

    Alex is da bomb.

    Not much is going on with me. Work, baby, exhaustion, repeat.

  • My husband has been sick for nearly two weeks, and home for nearly a week. This whole ‘in sickness and in health’ business is riding a nerve. Yeah. I said it.

  • Kate says:

    My family hasn’t had so much as a cold thus far this winter (no small thing with 7 kids), but I have to go to the hospital for a couple days with kid #7 and I figure if we’re gonna pick up the flu virus, that’s where it’ll happen.

    As such, I will be touching as little as possible, washing my hands (and his) frequently and actually using the tiny bottle of hand sanitizer that’s hiding in my bag. :) Maybe we’ll get lucky and avoid the plague.

    I’m sorry you’re sick, Aunt Becky. Hope you’re feeling better soon.

  • Tara says:

    Sorry you’ve got H1N1. My husband took my son for our county wide/health dept flu shot clinic deal. Got there before it started and still waited a total of three hours. Only got out of there as quickly as they did because he opted for the mist & not the shot. SO looking forward for a repeat for the booster in a month.

  • Lucy says:

    I’ve got the old Hawaiian disease – Lackanooky – but other than that, I’m OK.
    I hope you feel better. My mother survived the 1918 Flu as a baby and other than that, she sucked at life, whereas you Win At Life, so I’m sure you’ll be fine.

  • Coco says:

    Didn’t you hear? Vodka totally kills off the H1N1 virus. So it’s like NOT drinking is just ASKING your kids to get sick. (WHY WON’T YOU ALL THINK OF THE CHILDREN?)(hand wring)

    Seriously, babe, I hope you get well soon.

  • Rebecca says:

    I promise that I (normally) don’t spread vaccine fears, but with the flu vaccine, we have had very bad luck. When my son (who catches EVERYTHING and spends a week in the hospital sick with something that was as simple as an ear infection) was about 6 months old, I signed him up for the flu shot. As we all know, the first year you receive the flu vaccine, you get it twice. (Signed Isabella up for the mist, but it never shipped, so she didn’t get it) The first dose of the flu vaccine sent his head spinning. He did this weird head shaking thing for about 3 or 4 days. I brushed it off as babies do strange things. Well, a month later when he went in for the ‘booster’ vaccine, he came home and did the exact same thing for about the same amount of time…….????

    We skipped it last year. This year they both got the FluMist (seasonal). Joey did fine….Isabella?? She got the vaccine on Friday. Ran a fever Sunday, Monday. Huuummmmmmm???

    Should I get the booster mist for her or just leave good enough alone??? This was her first year getting the flu vaccine.

  • melanie Kerton says:

    I just stood in line for 2 hours to get the h1n1 vaccine for my two kidlets….. and yes I know they want me to do this AGAIN in a month…just dont know if I can do this again in a month…. waiting in the cold……ARG

    hope you all feel better soon!

  • Jennifer says:

    Our schools have 2 week breaks every 9 weeks. Boo, our youngest, got sick with the swine flu 1 day into it. It’s been 3 weeks since I also caught it (at the END of their break dontcha know) and I think the cough is gone now. At least laughing doesn’t equal passing out anymore. Hubby, who was 2 days behind me on getting it, still is hacking up a storm.

    But at least he didn’t suggest a blow job.

  • Nic says:

    I swear every ass at my work had that crap and since Im the designated driver (aka The HR Department) they all had to come to my office and tell me that they were sick while hacking up a lung. Since Im super sympathetic I told them to get the hell out and stay the hell away from me. Who goes to work with the flu!? Idiots! I need one of those airfreshner things that shoots lysol every 15 minutes.

  • Katy says:

    We all had the swine flu here a few weeks back. I had a fever of 104 and thought I was dying. But, let me tell you, piggy flu has nothing on the secondary infections that hit you after. Good GOD, I’ve been coughing for 2 weeks and have a sinus infection that won’t go away. At least with swine flu people want you to stay the hell away from them so you can stay in bed and not worry about it.

    To make you laugh, here are two websites. http://uglydress.com/
    http://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/

    Feel better soon!

  • Ms. Moon says:

    Got no stories. But I will say that because the media has to shovel us some more crack every two seconds, they have to milk the most of out of whatever they have.
    Swine flu- good example.

  • Manda says:

    I don’t know about the swine flu thing.

    My knocked up self has read some pretty scary things about it, but then again I’ve read some pretty scary things about the effects of flu vaccines.

    When I asked my doctor what he thought, all he was allowed to tell me is that he was forced by law to tell me that the CDC recommends the vaccine. Big help, doc.

    I know it makes me a horrible person, but I don’t think I’m getting the vaccine.

    On the other hand, when a friend joked about having the pig sick just two days after I KISSED HIM HELLO – ON THE MOUTH – I kind of flipped out on him. Because having that q-tip shoved up my nose and into my brain once was enough for me.

    • Erica says:

      I’m in the same boat you are. I’m preggers and have never gotten a flu shot in my life. Asked the doc about the HINI shot and she says….”I’m not going to tell you that you have to get it…” and started talking about side effects down the road. So the media is telling me “get the shot” my doc in so many words told me “don’t get the shot” Since that’s my default instinct, I don’t think I’m getting the shot either.

      • Brianna says:

        For the record: I am 21 weeks preggers, have the dreaded piggy flu, and it’s no better or worse than any other flu I’ve ever had. And since I get hit every 2 years out of 3, I’d know. It sucks hot sweaty monkey ass, but is not terribly concerning.

        • Your Aunt Becky
          Twitter: mommywantsvodka
          says:

          Perhaps you should call your local news for an interview. Maybe they’d..uh, I dunno.

          And now that I, too, have the Swine Flu, I agree. It sucks, but shit, I don’t think I’m ACTUALLY going to die.

  • Mrs Soup says:

    Wait….where are these cat pictures with captions? That sounds AWESOME.

    The whole thing is crazy, making people freak out is never a good thing. I’d *HATE* to see what would happen if/when a true emergency happens. Like when the Zombie-pocolypse occurs.

  • carissajaded says:

    Sorry you caught the bacon flu! I haven’t known anyone in person who has actually got it yet.

    But honestly? I’m ready for people to quit talking about it already. This has been going on way longer than the Bird Flu did…

  • Choleesa says:

    My daughter had the flu. The Swine Flu. She was wiped out for about a week. But she got over it. I did wipe her out for about a week though. I too am tired of hearing the whole “end of the worlds population due to swine flu” crap. Hope you feel better soon.

  • Chris says:

    I think they need to play Queen “Another One Bites The Dust” everythime they talk about this shit on the news. Feel better :)

  • Melissa says:

    So have you heard that there is the first confirmed case of swine flu in a CAT today? << totally not kidding here, but it made me giggle. Not sure why a coughing cat makes me laugh. But I digress.

    Feel better, it sucks, my Mom has it now (that damn CHUCKY CHEESE on Friday did her in). I was furiously purelling that night. Its not too bad. But it is definitely not awesome by any means.

  • Dual Mom says:

    I’m seriously thinking of breaking into the local Public Health office, stealing a shipment of the H1N1 vaccine and selling it on ebay. I figure with the hysteria surrounding this thing I’d make a killing! Interested in driving the getaway car?

  • Bluebird says:

    Oh that SUCKS!! I’m so sorry and hope you’re feeling better soon.

    I agree with you re the media hype being b.s. But, I also have to admit that I’m terrified of getting sick. I really think/hope/believe that’s just because I’m pregnant and am confident that I just haven’t turned in to a weenie ;)

    GET WELL, AUNT BECKY!

  • This was funny. Not the whole “Aunt Becky has swine flu” part, but the reactions.

    I am lucky enough to get to go to school for a WHOLE EXTRA YEAR! That’s right, all because I trusted my advisor and can’t get permission to take two crucial classes in the same semester. I hate school.

  • p jane says:

    Sorry to hear you’re sick. I don’t have good stories but will share some places that make me smile–hope they don’t make YOU barf. ;)

    http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com/

    http://existentialsockmonkey.com/blog/

    …the last one eludes me, but I’ll find it…

  • kys says:

    You’re handling it better than my husband did when he was sick. You mean you aren’t checking out from life for 6 days? People aren’t waiting on you? And letting you sleep for 14 hours at a time?

  • toywithme says:

    Maybe if the Daver tends to your lady bits that will cure you. Hey if it works for men it should work for us too.

    Guzzling vodka straight from the bottle (my way of marking my territory), and having a swig in honor of you. Feel better soon girl.

  • So sorry you got Hamthrax. I hope you feel better soon.

    I think I’m getting sick, but not as bad as you. I did a line of the regular flu a couple days ago, and so of course I’m probably going to get sick.

    6th move in 6 years tomorrow. I’ll pay you to come infect me with your Hamthrax so I can get a break!

  • Jenn says:

    Next to gay rights (and how I think they should actually have some), I bitch about this the most. EVERY year it’s something. One year it’s the bird flu, before that it was SARS (remember that ridiculous epidemic?).

  • Jenn says:

    By the way, I the kids’ responses. Haha.

  • Jenn says:

    … I the …

    Aaarrgh. I think I was just destined to leave multiple comments tonight. You must miss me or something. :)

  • Jenn says:

    What the hell??? Your shitty comment box keeps deleting the word LOVE between the words I & the. WTF?

  • Cristina says:

    Get well soon, Becky! Even half dead and you’re still funny :D Hope the kids don’t get it.

  • GingerB says:

    Oink, oink, honey. I’ll try to come back with something funny to entertain you later. I am full of the funny. For example, my sister is writing a graduate school paper on the enigma of pubic hair. See? Funny!

  • Sandy says:

    First of all (since I rarely put you first), let me say that I’m sorry you’re sick and please feel better soon.

    If you die, can I have your Twitter followers?

    In all seriousness, I hate the media and I hate the internetz (except for my blog readers and twitter followers, of course). Basically, I have been told (by every person on the planet) in no uncertain terms that if don’t vaccinate my son he WILL get the flu and DIE, and if I do vaccinate my son he will suffer horrible seizures, paralysis, and life-long brain damage. And he might one day vote Republican.

    So I’m screwed either way.

    Get well soon! :)

  • Becca says:

    Get well soon! I have to admit this flu has me worried more than most, but I also have two health compromised daughters (FUCKING asthma SUCKS!!)

    Beyond that, I am training the woman who has to be the most ignorant person on the planet. And…..she thinks she knows every damn thing about how to do my job, GAK!!

  • So sorry to hear that you are sick!! I hope you feel better soon!

    Well, my kids have been sick on and off since August. Today my 7mo old went from 100.3 temp to 103.4 in the course of the 1 hour we spent at the dr’s office for HIS SISTER’S appt. I am thinking of getting the H1N1 shot because that temperature for him alone was much too much stress.

    As for the media, i feel that they have completely irresponsible in their coverage. They are not putting numbers in context. They need to give us the information without all the hype and emotion.

  • Krissa says:

    Ooooooh Nooooooo! NOT THE PIGGY POOKIE!? Damn! Could not have happened to a nicer blogger, either! You BETTER do what the doctor says and make The Daver do EVERYTHING else around the house for AS LONG AS IT TAKES. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
    Seriously, be good and take good care of yourself!

  • IB says:

    Shit. I was so disappointed when the swine flu raced through our house like a California wildfire. I thought there was real potential for late nite rides to the ER and gut-wrenching fear as my loved ones clung to life. But, as it turns out, it was a lot less exciting than the news reports led me to believe it would be. A couple of low-grade fevers, some coughs, a body ache or 2 and then pfffft; done. no one even barfed, except the dog, and that was more to do with a chicken bone than H1N1. I stayed home for a few days ’cause everyone at work voted and said I couldn’t come back just in case I was like dying or something. Blah. nothing to it. Not even remotely interesting. I’m pretty sure that anyone who actually dies from this flu would have gone soon anyway. I’m not trying to be insensitive, it’s just that, if you can’t get past this one, then your number’s up anyway and you’re likely to drop the next time you catch the common cold.

    So get your groove on and don’t worry about it.

  • lauren says:

    I thought that you were invincible? My mistake. Get better dude.

  • emma says:

    Oohhh poor Aunt Becky that sucks. We also had the Pig Flu in our house, not me thankfully but my poor little Chick. She had the full works…the flu, barfing, headache was glad to get back to work for a break ;-) Am amazed that I have managed to escape it so far. Hope that you soon start feeling better xxx

  • mumma boo says:

    I’m telling you, tequila kills the germs! Feel better soon, duder!!

  • I had a case of the flu so bad last year I passed out from dehydration. Full story, I needed to run to the bathroom in the middle of the night for approximately the 40th time in as many hours, started feeling woozy as I sat there on the throne, finished quickly, stood up, and found myself sprawled out in the bathtub. And I was very suddenly wide-awake and fully alert. I DID, however, decide to stay there for a few minutes, just to be on the safe side.

  • Sorry to hear that you have the bacon flu but I am SO glad to hear that you’re sleeping like a high schooler. You’ve got a lot of missing sleep to make up for. Do you think you could feign illness after you recover and catch up a few extra weeks of Z’s?

  • MK says:

    Flu? What flu? My line of defense is cupcakes. I’m trying to find a way to get them to stay in that mask so that I can eat them all day long.

  • Dawn says:

    We see to have a particularly nasty strain of it moving through here. My boss has been sick with it for the last 3 weeks. This is the 2nd time her doctor has ordered her off work and she now needs an inhaler.

    I have been coughing like a silly for the past 2 weeks, but only have a dry cough and it doesn’t seem like it’s flu, but have semi-quarantined myself (going to work but avoiding crowds) because if this isn’t a mild case of H1N1, I’m in deep doodoo if I get it on top of whatever’s set up camp in my lungs.

    Get better soon! Stay hydrated! Tip your waiter!

  • Cheryl says:

    HAHAHA.

    I don’t think I’ve had the Swine Flu this past week, but something has indeed been trying to kill me dead. Reading this made me feel not as alone in my dying. Swine flu be damned, being sick as a mom pretty much blows. Thank G-d some of us (YOU) have a sense of humor in the midst of their death throes.

    Cheers! Oh, and I hope you feel better REALLY soon.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      We can die together, laughing and moaning and twitching and passing the Vicodin, right? It’ll RULE.

      Also, please tell me this ends. EVER? Because I am TIRED OF BEING SICK.

  • I think my household all got the lame version of swine flu, where all you have is a bitching sore throat and nobody feels sorry for you.

    But on the bright side, I’ve discovered a cure for man-flu- it’s baby-and-mom-flu. See, while my husband would normally call in sick if he had the flu, then mooch around the house moaning and asking for soup, he took one look at me (dying, and trying to hand over the baby to get a freaking break, because mothers don’t get sick days, and why is that?) and put on his suit and went to work without complaining. Gee, I love that guy.

    On the real bright side, though, I got that job I was going for :) And now, holy shit- I have three weeks to put the clingy baby in daycare and find pre-baby business clothes that still fit (and to be honest, I can’t wait! Yay.)

    Hope you feel better soon.

  • Um, I am LOVING the Elton John ref AND the lolcats ref.

    Srsly.

    I haz a luff.

    Brent comes home a week from Friday and I am PUMPED! The first week he’s home will be super fun at my blog so you’d better stop by!

  • Stone Fox says:

    i don’t even know what you are talking about. who *doesn’t* love mass hysteria? it’s my second favorite thing right after “looting and starting structure fires.”

    i don’t get to watch much news, mostly because i’m doing things like COOKING, and CLEANING, and RAISING KIDS when the news is on. good thing i have a husband who sits on his hairy ass and watches the news. i prefer his vague, wandering, missing-details news “updates” over the real stories anyways.

    what i know about swiney flu is that there is a war raging about whether or not to get vaccinated. there is also so much fucking MIS-information out there, especially on facebook (quel surprise), it’s ridiculous.

    so it sucks you have the swine flu. allow me to serenade you..

    “Don’t wish it away
    Don’t look at it like it’s forever
    Between you and me
    I could honestly say
    That things can only get better…”

    annnnnnnd, end!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I ignore anything on Facebook or Twitter or blogs, really, that threatens to pass as real information. Especially if it seems to be full of fevered emotions. Facebook seems FULL of that shit, doesn’t it?

      It’s totally absurd. But looting is awesome.

  • The swine flu has been a big fucking deal where I live. My boss’ kids have had it. Classmates in all three of my kids-in-school’s classes have had it…

    We’re already on cold-with-fever incarnation #3 of this flu season, and EVERY GODDAMN TIME, I think it’s swine flu. So far, it hasn’t been. The kids have had fevers for about 24 hours, and then they’re fine. Good thing I haven’t annoyed their pediatrician by bringing them every time. Geez. Oink.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      They closed the high school for a week here after a thousand kids called in sick. Stupid swine flu. Just got a call tonight from Alex’s sitter. Of the 4 kids she watches, turns out that one of them does have the swine flu.

      Which means, that’s what we have.

      ROCK ON.

  • Jennifer B says:

    Seriously, the flu! Aw man.. .I guess my wish for a less shitabulous year isn’t workin out for you. Well, I’m sorry for that. I’ll try harder. Honest. Because you are my favorite blog of all time. I can live without any other, but not my Aunt Becky.

    On a side note, totally with you on the pissed at the media bit. People are such stupid idiots, they believe anything. Flu sucks. End of story. We had a lovely puking disease raging through our neighborhood for the last 3 weeks. It was fun in that I lost 2 pounds after a 12 hour stint. I got lucky, others had it for a week. Poor little childrens, no less.
    Ugh…
    Feel better Aunt Becks. Sleep as much as you can, even if you have to ignore us internet peeps for a bit. Much love-

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      The media, man, they should be ashamed at the frenzy, you know? People are so scared that they’re rushing to the ER with a COLD. Seriously, I feel sorry for anyone in health care. Blech.

      Have no fear. I’ll be around. Blearily.

      xoxo.

  • Nitza says:
  • Beth says:

    Well, crap! I hope you feel better soon. On the bright side, being sick makes you appreciate feeling better.

    We’ve had several cases of the flu at my school and it totally pisses me off when parents knowingly send their sick kid to school because they couldn’t find a babysitter. Thanks for spreading those germs around. People can be so selfish.

  • Sam says:

    I am a lucky, lucky girl since I’ve been vaccinated for BOTH flus this year! Last time I had any form of flu, my fever was around 104 for a few days, and I’m pretty sure I hallucinated. I cried a lot. I cry when I get a fever. I expect some sympathy from the world. :) Feel better Aunt Becky!

  • SciFi Dad says:

    I will thank you kindly for refraining from dragging your disease-ridden carcass over to my blog for the time being. I read somewhere that you can catch it from comments left by the infected.

  • SciFi Dad says:

    Oh, and I hope you get better soon and other thoughtful shit.

  • Suzy Voices says:

    And yet you manage to blog AND still be funny!! You’re my idol, Becky. I’m glad that no one is freaking out about it in your household. My mother is driving me crazy always asking if I’ve had the kids vaccinated and telling me how many kids have died. “I’m getting to it, OK Mom! Sheesh!”

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      My dad is a pharmacist and my parents are both so low-key about stuff that they barely register pulses about anything. It’s annoying when you want to be all ‘OH MY GOD’ but nice when it’s something like this where you just have to ride the wave, baby, and hope that no one poos on your shoes.

  • TheBeerLady
    Twitter: TheBeerLady
    says:

    OK, I may seem a little hard-hearted, and I do feel sorry for anyone suffering through the flu. Really, I do. But if it hasn’t been touched on earlier (I skipped some comments – my bad), did y’all know that the swine flu also comes with a nifty gastro-intestinal option?

    Yes, indeedy. Call now, and you too can have explosive diarrhea! As an added bonus, you can discover the GI symptoms when you start coughing and simultaneously shit the bed!

    Yeah. Good times.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Trust me when I tell you that I DID figure this one out for myself. Luckily I didn’t find this out while shitting the bed, but wow, was that ever a lovely treat! This week has been a true joy.

  • Dot says:

    I was unable to figure out if you actually have the flu or not, but ultimately decided you probably did. The hysteria is annoying, especially when I found out that the mortality rate for adults with H1N1 is less than half the mortality rate for adults with the regular flu. Feel better soon — I’m getting over pneumonia myself, which is scarier than both of those, and I’m doing fine.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Pneumonia is much scarier than the swine flu but you’d never know it with the way the media is carrying on.

      Glad that you’re feeling better. That’s scary stuff, my friend.

  • Tell me more about those crazy cat pictures with captions that you speak of! Fascinating…..

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Trust me, IT NEVER GETS ANNOYING EVER. Especially when people start using the LOL speak! It’s practically music to my wee ears.

      Ha! A cat eating a cheeseburger. NOW I’VE SEEN EVERYTHING.

  • leanne says:

    We got the flu here, too. Well, it’s just me now that’s still sick. Everyone else is pretty much back to normal. Or their versions of normalcy.

    Hope you are back to your normal (or better) soon!

  • MamaSkates says:

    oh don’t even get me started on this topic! i hate that u have it, but glad u know u’ll make it thru…thankfully, no one in our home has had the flu – EVER! well, Curt & i have when we were younger, but not in many many years…& get this – no 1 in our home gets the flu shot! (& sure as hell isn’t getting the h1n1 shot!)
    can’t believe the hype can ya?
    feel better soon girl!!!

  • Jennifer says:

    I gave you an award!
    See it here.

  • Karly says:

    Feel better, Aunt Becky.

  • Kristine says:

    I hope you feel better. I was sick myself this week and I was basically just nauseated for a few days. I have never in my life been accused of being pregnant so many times in a 48 hour period as I was this week. And no, I’m not pregnant. But I guess at least no one oinked at me.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Taking Topamax has made me nauseous for months now. And pretty much, it’s like morning sickness, so yeah, no, I’m not pregnant either, thanks.

      It’s funny how people assume, no?

  • statia says:

    I think you’re hallucinating pigs.

    I’m so fucking OVER the swine flu. I had the flu last week, very mildly. It sucked, but I wasn’t about to go running to the doctor. Although, I did feel like the surface of the sun with that fever. I had no idea. The last time I had a fever, I was like, seven.

    With the kids, I at least call the doctor because I don’t want to fuck around, but there’s nothing I can do if they have the flu anyway. I’m just trying to be a responsible parent.

  • Oh, Poor Baby!! Virtually sending you some homemade chicken soup, fluffing pillows, and bringing you trashy magazines.
    I hope you feel better soon.

  • Tanya says:

    WE are so NOT getting H1N1 thank you very much. In October we dealt with head colds, ear infections, sinus infection and the stomach flu. It’s definately not our turn to be sick.

    Oh… and the lingering nausea from the stomach flu… yeah, apparently I AM pregnant.

  • Nyx says:

    Man, that sucks. I just got over it (nanananabooboo).

    Feel better dude. It should only last a (few) week(s).

  • MoranChick says:

    I’m sorry you’ve got the dreaded evil horrible fearsome SWINE FLU!!!11!! Being sick just sucks (and not the way some husbands would like it to, note to husbands), especially when there are people around who are NOT there exclusively to cater to your every fever-inspired whim and delusion. Here’s hoping you get over it posthaste.

    I, too, am unimpressed with the hysteria surrounding the dreaded SWINE FLU!!!11!! (And yes, I do always say it like that.) I try to refuse to call it H1N1, though occasionally I slip. And I amuse myself by pretending that every little physical discomfort or ailment I experience–indigestion, allergies, migraines, menstrual cramps–is in fact the SWINE FLU!!!11!!, when I totally know that it is not. (I am, perhaps, rather easily amused.)

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      That’s brilliant! If I didn’t have the SWINE FLU!111!!!! I would totally play along. Turns out it totes is the SWINE FLU !11!11! Got confirmation that my kid was exposed at daycare (daycare is 4 kids so yeah, this is it!).

      I am always easily amused, even now, which I think adds to my charm. I love it.

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