Yesterday, everyone freaked out as the Great Storm of 2011, SnOMG made it’s way towards the Midwest. I was reminded of the Great Hamdemic of Aught Niner. I was one of the lucky ones felled by the Swine Flu (I actually ended up SUING it at the People’s Court. I won. No, seriously. I did.) (I owe my victory to I Eat My Kids Snacks.)

VICTORY IS MINE

I remember laying around in a sick, feverish haze, watching Dexter – hating Lila – drinking buckets of Delsym when I saw on the Panic! section of the news, they’d interviewed a cat. A fucking CAT. A cat that had the swine flu.

Now, that brings up so many more questions than it could ever answer.

7) Where did that cat come from?

13) Was the cat actually a dog?

19) Did that news anchor go home and cry because she hadn’t gotten straight A’s in Journalism School to live her life interviewing animals?

23) Why would anyone care?

And now I have one more question:

31) Where was that cat during SnoPocalypse 2011?

All week, all I heard was “put on some fucking pants,” (my family) and “ZOMG STORM ZOMG” (the Internet) and I couldn’t help but wonder: was this going to be another HamDemic?

Yesterday, I sat, waiting for SnoGasm2011 to turn me into a Popsicle*, I felt kinda…unprepared. I mean, I had some candles somewhere (probably) and a flashlight without batteries somewhere else, and I even had some bottles of water. I went as far as to charge my phone as the sky remained bright and clear. SnoPocolypse 2011 seemed…a bit dull.

But Twitter hit a fever pitch. I’m not even sure anyone on The Twitter was actually in any areas affected by SnoTorious BIG.

Begrudgingly, I checked the weather.

Great Storm 2011 Midwest

Well, that looked mighty impressive. Especially since I live in the middle of the two arrows.

Why, those arrows made me want to get some cardboard and write THE END IS NIGH and run around my neighborhood screaming about the end of days. Or, at the very least, maybe find something to eat. Arrows make me hungry.

After I looked at the arrows, then sadly at my microwave, and back at the arrows again (microwaving is an awful lot of work!), I got that old familiar DING sound. Had I just won another 10000000$ from a Nigerian Relative? COULD IT REALLY BE? OH HAPPY DAY!

Frantically, I checked my email.

Oh. No. Not money. It was an email from the school district (BOO) telling me that school was being let out 45 minutes early (DOUBLE BOO) and canceled for the following day (TRIPLE BOO).

Apparently, those arrows did not make other people hungry.

It took many hours for the snow to begin. When it did, I checked the weather again.

Midwestern Storm 2011Oh. So. Now we had 50 MPH winds, snow, ice storms, blizzards, and floods? Where were the plagues of locusts and cats and dogs living together in total anarchy?

But wait. The End of Days may have been upon us, but I was more concerned about one thing: that map had no arrows! It was just a map with blue stuff on it. This was not a map befitting the Storm of the Century. I mean, we had ThunderSnow!

I had to step in.

Midwestern Storm Map Well that was a little better. The arrows added a little something to it. But it was snowing AND thundering AND flooding. This map did not do SnotoriousBIG 2011 justice!

Great Midwestern Storm 2011PHEW. This map is a little more impressive. When you add a skull-and-crossbones to anything, it’s WAY more hardcore. Plus, DANGER and NO with a line through it? This map is practically OSCAR-worthy.

It was missing something.

But…what?

SnoToriousBIG 2011

PERFECT. It’s now a FESTIVE LET’S! PANIC! map befitting the end of the world in the Great Blizzaster of 2011. This map was getting pretty awesome!

It’s only missing one adorable thing. My fake dead cat, Mr. Sprinkles!

SnowtoriousBIG

Why, that crazy fake cat gets into everything in a wily, yet adorable way!

Screw blogging. I’m going to make MAPS. Festive ones that SCARE people in a decidedly ADORABLE way.

79) What flavor would I be? That question will keep me up all night.

Comments

comments

54 thoughts on “SnoToriousBIG

  1. Your maps would cause all SORTS of panic and chaos and rioting….
    Therefore I think it’s your calling in life.
    To stir up the masses.
    To rouse the fear in the general public.
    Let’s get you on this map making thing, you mad cartographer you.
    I’d like to see your maps of the impending zombie invasion next.
    If *that* one doesn’t deserve little candy V-day hearts, no map would.

  2. It’s days like this I curse my kids for making me fucking incontinent. I had to GET UP and go to the bathroom to pee before I could finish. And then? Mr Sprinkles in his pretty little scarf? Had to go again. DAMN KIDS!

  3. Ya lost me at flowers…sorry.

    Somewhy that softened the delightfully threatening, and colorfully diverse arrows. It made me smile, in that same odd way I do just after the voices have charged me with some needful act. I have bad dreams when that happens. I didn’t like that the flowers and bears and candies, oh my, made me feel that way.

    I need to find a corner.

    Caliban

  4. SnotoriousBIG. Not to be confused with Snow noTORIous, the brief-running, family-shredding sitcom loosely based on Tori Spelling’s life in a blizzard. (spoiler alert: she cried about her mom the whole time.)

    Also, you should consider cartography as a profession. I feel like Hurricane Katrina could have been slightly more uplifting if the Weather Channel had had you on staff.

  5. Snow WAY! You rock at making maps. I think you should be prepared for your email to bog down at the masses asking if you’d make maps for their channels. YOU are AWESOME.
    And naturally I voted yesterday for your bloggie. You know I got yer back.
    Keep rocking the maps Aunt Becky!!!

  6. LOL. Oh, Aunt Becky. If you are 10% the personality that you have on this blog, we need to hang out the next time I’m in Chicago. There just aren’t enough people like you.

  7. Why hope for a bloggie when you can probably make a better award yourself? Judging by the way you were able to amp up the weather maps I think you could google->download->pump-up/pimp-out your own to be much better.

    Or you could do your own from scratch;
    You could start with the Heisman, but instead of a helmet put the Stanley Cup on his head (with a Grammy in the cup), instead of cradling a football in his left hand put in an Oscar, and have his right ‘push-off’ hand shoving away an MTV moonman (why would you want that piece of crap if you already have an Oscar and a Grammy?)

    See? Doesn’t a Bloggie seem crappy by comparison?

  8. it’s a lot of snow. seriously, yo. days like today i don’t hate living in florida as much as i usually do.

    still, would MUCH rather be in new york. like MUCH MUCH.

  9. Ugh. I was another of those lucky ones who caught the Swine Flu. And so did my then 2 year old. That really WAS the worst sickness I have EVER had.

  10. Haha, well I see that the snow hasn’t hampered your creative skills. I think that final jpg should be the graphic of some lame, I mean great, award. Like the SnOMG you are awesome, award. Or something way more creative you will come up with 🙂

  11. Snow is stupid. That’s why we live in the PHX AZ area. No snow! On the other hand in another month the tempature will shoot up and try to kill us desert dwellers with triple digit temperatures!

  12. You can pimp a map baby. Y’all gotz SKILLZ. I voted for you, but they never sent me my ‘verification e-mail’ so I guess I’ll be voting again. Hey! Maybe they’ll let me vote twice since they so screwed me on the first one! I scrolled down and found your blog in, like, 3 or so catagories…plus the Band Back Together so make sure you get ’em all!

    1. What robot uses the word SKILLZ? Robots are apparently much stupider than I previously thought. OMG, MAYBE I AM A ROBOT!

  13. I miss real weather since moving to England. I have been here over a year, and still have not seen any lightning, and have heard a grand total of one clap of thunder, which could have been mistaken for my tummy rumbling.

    I used to live in Manitoba, Canada, where at this very moment they are having windchills of -46 and mountains of snow falling. -46!! I miss the cold. Here it is sort of dull, sort of grey, sort of wet. Which is pretty much the sum total of all weather conditions in this neck of the woods. I need me some snOMG.

    And all voted up. :o)

  14. I knew we were hosed when Al Roker started reporting from here! (Love SnoGasm, BTW.) Off to put on my extra-padded bra so I am not nipping out all day in this -8 Chicago weather.

  15. You crack me the fuck up! And I need a laugh after being frozen into my house for 4 days during SnOMG here in Dallas, maybe a more appropriate title would be DisICEter 2011. Seriously – I might be locking my kids in the closet if it weren’t for the uproarious laughter that just spewed forth all over my computer. Thanks Beck!

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