I am notoriously dense.

Okay, that came out wrong, because you’re thinking of me like I’m a piece of particle board or something, which I am most certainly not. I am much more glamorous than particle board, Pranksters. But I’m not always very smart when it comes to things that will deeply, mortally wound others. That’s why I was really hesitant to post the question from Prankster #1 yesterday.

The first time I really wounded someone unintentionally, I was in high school. It was Christmas time. I’d just gone shopping for my friends, and if you know me, I’m a great gift-buyer…so long as you don’t expect anything you want or anything useful. A light-up shower head, perhaps, or a toilet seat that sings “Take Me Out To The Ball Game” when you sit on it. These are things on my own want list, so you can imagine what I’d have picked out at 17, when my budget was a little tighter.

I’d bought one of my friends some sparkly Crayola* bath soap and another some Jack Daniels flavored coffee. The one that I deeply wounded, I’d bought some lotion.

It was called “Udderly Smooth.”

Smoove B

Now, I found this uproariously funny. The lotion, that is. It’s lotion, that’s all, “I’m for udders, motherfucker!” I really couldn’t see anything not awesomely hilarious about this. I was certain that my friend, who loved a joke as much as I did, would love it.

This was not what I expected to have happen. I’ve added some pictures so that you can better feel like you were there.

Aunt Becky: “Merry Christmas, yo! Sorry I didn’t wrap it. Wrapping is bullshit.”

My Friend: “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?”

Aunt Becky: *giggles* “Isn’t it awesome? It’s like it’s for COWS but it’s NOT. It’s fucking WHIMSICAL. I FUCKING LOVE WHIMSICAL SHIT.”

My Friend: “How could you DO this do me?”

Aunt Becky (thinking that she’s joking): “….”

mommy wants vodka

My Friend: “THIS IS NOT OKAY.”

Aunt Becky: “…”

Mommy Wants Vodka

My Friend: “I thought YOU WERE MY FRIEND.”

Aunt Becky: “….”mommy wants vodka

My Friend: “We are NOT on SPEAKING TERMS. (flounces away)”

Aunt Becky: “Uh….”

mommy needs vodka

It took her flouncing away for me to understand that the lotion had offended her. I, of course, was baffled. It was LOTION that was HILARIOUSLY HILARIOUS. I crawled back into the hot tub with my boyfriend who tried to comfort me with his penis.

I spent more time knocking my three brain cells around my skull trying to figure out what the problem with the lotion was than I’d spent trying to logicate who had the better version of “Hair of the Dog.” (the jury in my head is still out) I think I finally got it.

She thought I was calling her fat.

I wasn’t, of course. I’m not oblique or shy and if I have something to say, I’m not about to say it through a toilet seat or a bottle of lotion. And, quite frankly, the day that I end up caring about someone else’s weight is the day that I have entirely too much time on my hands.

Anyway, it was good preparation for blogging. Because you can’t say ANYTHING without pissing someone off. Or mortally offending them. It would be hilarious, if it wasn’t so annoying.

Like this:

Me: “Mayo is bullshit.”

Response: “My great grandfather invented Miracle Whip, you know, and it cures diseases. So I’d appreciate it if you never talked badly about it again.”

Response: “Mayo is my religion and we pray to it every night. Are you, Aunt Becky a blasphemer? *THROWS STONES* I SENTENCE YOU TO DEATH, SINNER!”

Response: “I cannot be friends with someone who hates mayo.”

Response: “U R a bitter asshole. Why can’t you be happy for other people who LOVE mayo? Why do you have to be MEAN to people who hate mayo?”

Well, I’m tired of being the person who isn’t offended by things. I’m SO tired of letting minor irritations pass me by unaware, each tiny infraction not complained about, not picked apart piece by ever-loving piece. I, too, can be outraged! I, too, have wells of untapped anger that I want to unleash on the world!

I want a Twibbon and a snappy blog campaign full of righteous indignation! Maybe I can even turn my avatar a different color to support my cause! I want to set a Google alert and troll blogs of people with the opposite viewpoint! I WANT A BUTTON, DAMMIT.

Now, I just need a cause. My broken fingernail? Black socks? Thousand Island dressing? …powdered gravy? These ideas all have merit.

Pranksters, I think that the time for Pranking is afoot. We need a fake campaign of indignation that sounds real.

Suggestions?

*not paid endorsement.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

85 Responses to Smoooove Moooove.

  • Raquel says:

    You know I kinda figured she thought you were calling her a cow. Sad. oh well just Moooo-ve on! Ha! Ha!

  • im sorry — im dying of laughter & have no useful advice. ;)

  • Janelle says:

    Chicken in a biskit crackers. Not chicken, or biscuit. Fraud!

  • a says:

    Well, it’s probably better to give the cow joke gifts to your male friends.

    Let’s see…how about a campaign to get slow drivers off the road? Or maybe a boycott of healthy eating and organic food – every mentions shopping at Whole Foods all the time. Or Target – you could have so$e sort of campaign involving Target and land on all of those deals/couponing blogs. Or Walgreens or CVS

  • Jessica says:

    Ya know what makes me indignant? Chocolate diamonds. They are not chocolate. They are the bottom of the barrel as far as diamonds go, the cheez whiz of the diamond world if you will. And yet, jewelry retailers seem to think they can pull the collective wool over the eyes of fashionable women everywhere by naming them after a tasty treat. Indignant I tell you!

    • Regina says:

      The Cheez Whiz of the diamond world. Classic.

      • Christina says:

        Yes. Exactly this. It IS the cheez whiz of the diamond world. Unfortunately, I think it works on some people.

        • Your Aunt Becky
          Twitter: mommywantsvodka
          says:

          BWAHAHAHAHA!

          I hate semi-precious stones in general, so you know. I was all, um, those look tacky, but THEN I REMEMBERED.

          I was at Movado one day and talking to the sales clerk (I was buying something, I guess), and made a quip about how I thought heart-shaped diamonds were tacky.

          Now, I’m about as tacky as they come. Seriously, I love tacky. Except that I like a classic engagement ring/wedding ring. I wear costume jewelry or the kind you have to insure.

          I figured, you work at Movado, you like fancy jewelry, right?

          WHOOPS.

          Her mom had one. She was planning on inheriting it.

          FOOT, MEET MOUTH.

          I nearly died. Because how can you un-say that one?

  • Beth
    Twitter: star_momma
    says:

    I vote we go with “Outrageously Outraged,” do everything in neon colors, and act offended if anyone ever DARES to ask what we’re outraged about. Cuz they should, like, TOTALLY know already.

  • Ms Dreamer says:

    Yeah, I’m with Devan: I got nuffin. I’m that kinda gal who would have gotten the joke on the lotion. Because we’re a bunch of farmers who use Bag Balm on everything!

  • Erin says:

    Oh dear…that’s so sad! Mostly because that cream is AMAZING though. I sat here reading going ‘OMG – WHY WOULD SOMEONE BE OFFENDED?! AWESOME HILARIOUS GIFT – AND AWESOME CREAM. FOR REALZ.

    Seriously one of the best gifts I’ve ever been given by a COW FARMER.

    …Maybe THAT’S why I didn’t get offended.

    Also – Mayo IS bullshit. I’m totally not offended. Because it really is.

    We should probably start a campaign against odd looking vegetables. I grew a potato last summer that grew into conjoined hearts. It freaked me out and I could never eat it. For serious.

    • Anna says:

      I’m with Erin, but I’d extend it to all vegetables. They’re taking up the prime real estate that cows could stand on around getting fat. So I can eat them. Oh, and? Mayo is nasty.

  • “I crawled back into the hot tub with my boyfriend who tried to comfort me with his penis.”

    The line of the year.

  • Melissa says:

    lol, I love getting people totally oddball stuff! Every present from me is an adventure. (I do wrap everything though – I will use a full roll of packing tape, or 3, at Christmas time. my nephews love it.) Some people need to lighten up and appreciate the gift, not think there’s sinister meaning behind it.

  • MidLifeMama says:

    I do get this. I got myself blocked on twitter by someone who completely misunderstood something I said. I found my way to her via her blog and said as much, so we made up, but WOW you cannot predict how some things are going to be interpreted. I generally assume most bloggers and people on twitter have their tongues firmly entrenched in their cheeks, but somehow everyone takes me seriously. Sigh. I have no idea what fake campaign you can start. I am not an idea person. I implement ideas. Once you have one, I am your gal.

  • Thousand Island Dressing IS bullshit.
    That is all.

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  • Tershbango says:

    Whatever, she’s crazy. If she’d actually TRIED it, she’d know that lotion is the bomb. I use it on my own udders. ;)

  • Marie says:

    Oh, yeah “tried to comfort me with his penis”. Best. Line. EVAR! (not copying from above, it was so good, I had to type it again).

    I also am hard to offend. I’m all “whatever!”. This comes from a woman who currently is pissed at hubby because he called me “angry, irritable and not cute because of it”. THAT shit offended me. But from random people, eh, you are SO not important enough for me to care!! AND I totally would have gotten the joke. NO ONE gets my jokes!

  • Susan says:

    “I want a button, dammit.” One of the best lines EVER! I, unlike you, started offending people early on in my life. I really don’t understand how people can be so thin-skinned and actually survive in this world. And Erin, you are correct, that is an amazing cream. I started using it when I was breast feeding (no comment), and still use it 25 years later.

  • Regina says:

    I second the vote for people who drive too slow, but especially slow drivers who are on the phone. Get off the goddamned phone and drive, mother fucker!
    I have actually given udder cream to my sisters as a joke. Luckily, they all have a good sense of humor!

  • andygirl says:

    I’m in. and you know what else I’m sick of? people who comment just to disagree. I don’t mind disagreement, but where are these people when they like something I say? why only pipe up to say something negative? they’re not even trolls so much as naysayers.

  • amanda says:

    I would love a campaign against thousand island salad dressing! It’s only good on rubens…… for all other intents and purposes its gross!

  • amanda says:

    I would love a campaign against thousand island salad dressing! It’s only good on rubens…… for all other intents and purposes its gross!

  • ColinP says:

    I have another to add to the list of things that should not be mentioned:

    (a little back-story first) My mother bought a new house down in Florida and she needed help moving some stuff. Being the dutiful son I flew down for a long weekend and hauled items from house A to house B. My mother knew that her immediate next-door neighbors were a mother/daughter sharing a house. While I was racking my brains trying to figure out how the timer for the automatic lawn sprinklers I heard my mother speaking to one of the ladies next door.

    After a few minutes my mother came into the garage shaking her head. She then told me that she thought the woman she was speaking to was the mother of the mother/daughter combo and it turns out it was the daughter. At this point I started to laugh. She shot me a dirty look and then I said “It is ironic that I have to explain this but when you encounter a situation where you have unknown ladies with varying ages always, ALWAYS assume she is the younger.”

    • Regina says:

      This is the corollary to the rule, “Never ask a woman when she is due”. My sister has done this twice to women who were not pregnant.

  • I have nothing but this was just hilarious. And I am with the other about the boyfriend trying to comfort you with his penis. Line of the year. Maybe That Should be a Campaign Me Who Try To Comfort Women with their Penises. Cause I know my husband tries to comfort me with his every time ANYTHING goes wrong!! I could be on my death bed and he’d be you know what would make that better my penis. That is a campaign. At least in my world. I’m going to picket in my home now.

  • The Mommy says:

    I used udder cream during every pregnancy and I only got stretch marks where I DIDN’T use it (the top of my hips. Seriously? I didn’t know you could GET stretch marks there!). I recommend it to every pregnant woman who I know personally (and some I don’t) and I’m well aware that pregnant women ALREADY feel like cows so how can I possibly go wrong?

  • WalMart discontinued my favorite evil dip. WalMart is always discontinuing all sorts of things I have gotten used to purchasing there – specific type of dishwasher soap, Little Smokies sausages, certain brands of underwear. We need a campaign against WalMart! And there are so many good reasons to campaign against WalMart people might take a bit to realize we only have a barely adequate but not really even that reason for ours.

    Stop WalMart! from discontinuing selling things I want to buy

  • Pam says:

    Ah, the male of the species is ALWAYS trying to comfort us with their penises–but, if that’s all they’ve got…LOL

    I would have gotten the joke. It’s kind of like that crack cream.

  • April says:

    Lets boycott people who get Offended!
    Or Florida!
    Or pickles!

    Twitter is also a good start!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      You know what? Let’s be offended by people who are offended!

      • April says:

        Im in! How about you write us all a blanket statement and we will google the frick out of “I am offended…
        And we will post it all over there blogs and link back to you! While we are offended at them being offended…lets try to OFFEND them some more!
        What publicity!

  • Danyelle
    Twitter: dhutton
    says:

    That cream works great!

    There are lots of things we could get our collective panties in bunches about: thousand island dressing is disgusting; black socks are bad, but even better would be outrage over black socks worn with sandals.

  • Tasha says:

    I have a few ideas:
    - when the “view larger image” image is exactly the same size as the original
    -people who inch their way through cross walks
    -the word “irregardless”

    P.S. I totally would’ve loved the lotion :)

  • MommyLisa says:

    wow. weird cause to promote on the interwebs?

    how about chocolate diamond idea – they are not CHOCOLATE they are muddy brown for crying out loud. How am I supposed to get excited about a BROWN diamond that isn’t even filled with caramel.

    Pink? Sure.

    Yellow? Why NOT!

    But brown and then BLACK diamonds. Ugh. Who am I? Morticia Adams?

    • Regina says:

      I was just saying to my husband that I wonder about these so-called “chocolate diamonds”. Never heard of them until these Valentines Day commercials. Men are going to run out thinking they’re getting their women the latest in fashionable jewelry, when it’s actually some crap that the jewelry industry is trying to get rid of. At least black goes with everything, but BROWN?! Sorry not buying that shit.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Yeah, if you have to explain that it’s a diamond, you shouldn’t wear it.

  • Coleen says:

    When I was in college (at the school which was the inspiration for PCU), people used to use chalk and write on the sidewalks with ads and slogans for various events and causes. Some friends and I thought it would be funny one night to go about and chalk some signs about how all the chalk signs were hurting the chalk population (we wrote things like “SAVE THE CHALK!”)

    Someone wrote a letter to the school paper about our chalkings because HE TOOK THEM SERIOUSLY. He couldn’t believe how people would want to use chalk to save chalk and didn’t get the humor at all. Someone will be offended by everything, though many of them are morons (wait, did I just offend morons? DAMMIT!)

  • Leslie says:

    Hi AB! You know what bugs me? Mixed breed dogs sold at the pet store for hundreds of dollars and given breed names like “Jug” or “Chi-A-Russell”. There are lots of dogs just like them who need homes at the animal shelter. I don’t know how you’d talk about that without really offending someone though (as I cautiously look around to make sure I haven’t offended anyone!).

  • amber says:

    some people are too sensitive, the lotion was fucking funny, get over it…

  • irant says:

    You know what I hate? People with opinions. I fucking hate them! These frickin’ people sitting around stewing about shit that nobody cares about. Which is total bullshit! But then? They “EXPRESS” their opinions! Like I fucking care what these dumbasses think! I mean, where did these dipshits come from? If it was up to me, I’d send them to an island where they could have their fucking “discussions” and “debates” and perhaps even “salons.” Fuck ‘em – they’re not worth the keystrokes to talk about!

    Get on this shit, people! If you haven’t noticed, this whole “opinion” thing is getting out of control …

    K

  • Lanita says:

    I’ve never seen a jar of Udderly Smooth, but I do have a green tin of Bag Balm…it’s great for your feet.

    And a friend of mine likes to give cans of “Spotted Dick” to people. She is just kind of funny that way.

  • Kelly says:

    Last week my stupid cousin, who I barely know sent me an email, via Facebook asking me if I hated her. I told her no, and to get a grip. She totally flipped out, and blocked me, my sister and my oldest daughter. Fucking crazy. Sometimes, people just over react to stuff.

  • cyndi says:

    Because I was born a troll, I regularly fuck with people who get offended just to get them more offended… this chick would have gotten yearly shipments of laxative tea and hemmoroid cream to deal with the butthurt.

    I didn’t think it was possible to live in this society with THIS internet and still be shocked or offended about ANYTHING, but there are hundreds of thousands of people who succeed in whining every day. Speaking of that, I need to post something pro-gay marriage on my FB status just to piss off my redneck family. :D

    • steph gas says:

      i must be your long lost twin sister of sorts, because i too am part troll. i can’t help it. it’s just so easy sometimes. and entertaining. i do it when i’m really really depressed about myself. that or go answer people’s stupid questions on yahoo!answers.

  • badbadwebbis says:

    Humorless college studets. Let’s be against them. Because one year during student officer campaigns, one guy put up signs saying, ‘(Guy’s name) for King. Because Let’s Face It, Democracy Just Doesn’t Work.’

    The other students, not the administration, objected to this awesome campaign. They said it was juvenile and against the spirit of campaigns.

    Well DUH.

  • Jenn says:

    In the first picture of this post, there are 3 people. Is the boy in the background in the white shirt named Brian by chance? I feel like I know that guy… Holla back, AB!

  • Jessica says:

    Heart shaped diamonds are as tacky as they come! I’m a grown woman, not a 4 year old. If you’re enough of a man to think you can handle me as your wife, please sir, do not buy me a ring that looks like it came out of Pretty Pretty Princess. Unless it’s over 3 carats. Then I don’t give a shit

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      BWAHAHAHAHA! I’m a fan of the very simple, very elegant diamonds. Maybe a nice round one. Or square. I don’t like much else.

      UNLESS it’s over three carats. Then, just hand it over.

  • Babbalou says:

    Oh that lotion brings back memories! My MIL, who is 85 years old, had a friend who’d had breast cancer and had both breasts removed. The friend always kept a jar of that Udder Cream on her bathroom vanity. One day the ladies were all at her house and one of them commented on the lotion, “you DO know that’s not going to make them grow back, don’t you?” They all had a good chuckle. Growing old requires humor, your friend will feel the lack someday!

  • steph gas says:

    okay, i have to fess up to owning black diamonds because i thought they were really really cool. and i get the canary and champagne diamonds – they’re really pretty.

    but honestly? every other color of diamond is pretty shitty. like, i’d rather have a pink sapphire than a pink diamond. or a topaz or citrine or something than a chocolate or muddy brown diamond. chocolate diamonds are crap.

    on a side note. i once saw a ring with all citrines and garnet and it was SOOO PURDY. but then i got into huge gaudy rings and i stretched my ears and i can’t wear my diamonds anymore. i got older and started buying cheaper jewelry. huh.

  • katrina says:

    I hate those damn side mirrors that say…”objects are closer than they appear..” WTF!?? It’s just bullshit, along with mayo and thousand island gunk. Oh, my husband is a jeweler/goldsmith, you’d be surprised how many people want colored, dark diamonds (ewww). He refuses to sell heart shaped diamonds tho.

  • Scott says:

    Isn’t the object of your campaign obvious? Pants. Pants are BULLSHIT.

  • Amanda says:

    You know what offends me? Turkey Bacon. For the love of Christ, just don’t eat it! Why ruin it completely?

  • Jolie says:

    1. Many things are bullshit. Perhaps we just campaign to STOP THE BULLSHIT. You can have a page dedicated to it, where everyone can do their “this one time, in band camp,….” story. Like the Save the chalk story – loved that one!
    7. Udder cream rocks. That so-called friend was clueless. I mean, if I sent you a pkg of Boudreaux’s Butt Paste, it doesn’t mean I think you’re a butt. Duh. (link for your ease of finding) http://www.buttpaste.com/BLButtPaste.php
    243. for the record, I like mayo and thousand island. I like you more though, so it’s all good. :o)
    and C. I think you all know the saying, opinions are like assholes….

  • pattypunker says:

    margarine is bullshit. i always know when it’s not butter!

  • domesticating says:

    Mayo is total bullshit, it’s like eating snot or something…

    You know what I’m against? Those stupid boxes of mystery chocolate. There are only two good kinds and the rest are some sort of gross filling and you don’t know which is which until you eat it!!!!! I am outraged and offended and yeah.

  • Zombie Mom says:

    There are millions of cows on the verge of death from dry, cracked skin, but yet you think it’s funny to give away their lotion as a gag gift? Monster! Now they will have no relief from their itchy dry skin before they get beheaded and ground up for us to eat. How do you look at yourself in the mirror every morning?

  • Sarah S
    Twitter: RunningonWords
    says:

    I’m a huge fan of fake indignation. Mostly because it irritates the crap out of my husband. Tonight I think I will be indignant about chicken. Chickens are ugly and thus not fit for eating.

    More important, that lotion is udderly hilarious!

  • Faery Chaos says:

    I have been thinking about this for 2 days and I swear I seem to have the good ideas in places I don’t have something to write with (stupid fucking shower, why do I need to bath again???) and always forget the fuckers by the time I can write them down. FML. So instead here are my not as good ideas that I already had but can’t fucking remember…

    Personally, I am offended by stupid people. I hate stupid people. I don’t mean those who are retarded officially, just those who don’t think because it’s too damn fucking hard to rub 2 brain cells together!

    If you want to piss a lot people off, then Bible Is Bullshit, or Jesus is Bullshit (because it’s not even his real fucking name, so saying Jesus Fucking Christ is NOT taking it in vain) and the bible has really fucked over the female gender since day 1 basically, which we all can be offended about. Not to mention its been rewritten TONS and cut apart and all kinds of crazy bullshit.

    What about abbreviations are bullshit? Damn it people, spell out your fucking words! Lazy assholes. Srsly. IDK, maybe something along those lines. l8r g8r!

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