I love sleep.

I love sleep so much that I would wear an “I Heart Sleep” shirt around WITHOUT losing a bet. I could compose a sonnet (if I knew how) to sleeping. If I ever hit it big as a Grammy-Winning artist, it would be for my song, “Sleep, You Are My Hero.”

(if I ever hit it big as a fancy director, it will be because of this video:)

On Thursday, Amelia was all, “sleep is bullshit.” And I was all, “um, are we related?” Because sleep is many things, but it’s not bullshit.

Now, part of the allure of sleep is that it eludes me. I can’t sleep like a normal person to save myself. No, I lay up, night after night with stupid commercial jingles and the annoying songs from kids shows running through my head. If I ever meet the person who wrote the “do-do-do Do A Dollop of Daisy,” commercial in person, I will punch them in the taco.

It doesn’t help that my bedroom is haunted.

Well, it’s haunted or the wind whistling through the attic sounds just like a baby screaming. I prefer to go with “it’s haunted” for street cred.

Either way, I’ll wake up because I hear a fake baby crying and run to check on my babies, who are all safely asleep and therefore not screaming.

That doesn’t help my insomnia.

So anyway, back on Thursday, I couldn’t get Amelia to sleep. She was all, “woah, this is pretty awesome to NOT SLEEP,” and I was all, “I love you, shut the fuck up and go to sleep, baby,” because I wanted to go back to the dream I was having where I was eating a castle made of cake. I did not want to get up.

Friday rolled around, and blearily, I went about my day, writing her sleeplessness off to Dave’s faulty genetics.

Friday night, we went through our normal routine: “Can Daddy take you up?”

Amelia, “NOOOOOO! Mommy rock me.”

The girl wouldn’t let Santa Claus, Jesus, or even Hello Kitty (her favorite) rock her. Nope. It’s gotta be Your Aunt Becky.

So I did. And when I put her in bed after rocking her for a couple minutes, instead of rolling over and saying “goodnight,” she screamed the sort of scream that makes me wonder if DCFS is going to bust down my door for child abuse.

I picked her up, rocked her until her eyes rolled back in their sockets, and when I tried to put her down, it was like I tried to submerge her in a vat of bumble bees. (she’s terribly afraid of bumble bees).

It had been an hour and I needed dinner, so I figured, “Okay, AB, time to be all EYE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TIGER and let her scream for a couple minutes. It won’t kill her.”

No, it didn’t kill her. It nearly killed me, though. I went back up and rocked her. Eventually, she did go to sleep…for a couple of hours. Then she was up.

Rinse, repeat, Saturday AND Sunday.

That makes four fucking nights of not sleeping, which makes hearing Shut Your Whore Mouth on Happy Endings so much less awesome.

I don’t know what’s wrong with her. It could be teething, it could be sleep regression, it could be a cold, it could be nothing.

Or…maybe she’s possessed.

Anyone know an exorcist?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

58 Responses to Sleepless in St. Charles

  • I just got over a wicked cold wherein I did not sleep for two weeks for more that 15 minutes at a time. It was hell. I do not wish that for Miss Amelia. Or You. Of course. It’s probably Spring Fever.

  • Jenn says:

    If you happen across and exorcist and it happens to work . . . please, FOR THE LOVE OF WHOEVER YOU SERVE, and as a public service to mom’s like me who haven’t slept through the night in almost two years give us the deets. I am fucking exhausted!

    P.S. Sorry for the run on sentence like thing up there but as I mentioned, I am fucking exhausted and thus unable to process.

    • Sara says:

      I’m with Jenn. It will be 2 years next month since I have slept for more than three hours at a time. For the love of all things chocolate, why don’t they let us sleep? Why? And now, since I have become accustomed (*shudder*) to not sleeping more than three hours at a time, I wake up every three hours even if my sleep-vampire-toddler isn’t up. I’ve fantasized about running away for a weekend, getting a hotel room, and sleeping for two days straight.

      • JLK says:

        Goddammit, you guys are killing my HOPE! My son just turned 11 months and every month I tell myself “You are one step closer to sleeping again For Realz!” and then I hear that 2, 3, 8, and 16 yr olds don’t fucking sleep either!

        But seriously, right now I think everyone’s kid’s are going whackadoo with the sleep thing. My latest theory is that it’s the odd-numbered months, at least for my kid and other kids I know. 11 months is sucking so far. 10 months was pretty awesome – just enough of a routine and some predictability to keep me sane. This month?

        Let’s just say I placed an order an hour ago on Amazon for that book Go The Fuck To Sleep, which goddammit had better be as hilarious as I think it’s going to be.

  • Because I couldn’t help myself:

    Ode to Sleep – for @Mommywantsvodka

    You bring the birth, and death of every day,
    You block them from my ears and eyes and mind
    You make them all shut up and go away,
    You are the best solution I can find,
    To kids and cars and cellphones, and to dogs,
    To jobs and school and texting-ear-pierced freaks
    To every irritating jerk who jogs,
    To close to me while their ear-bud leaks.
    You make me happy when at last we meet,
    Beyond the tweets and chirps and cellphone tones
    Our love affair, I fear, is not discreet,
    I feel that love deep in my weary bones.
    So when the day has had it’s final shout,
    Into your arms I fall, and I pass out….

  • andy says:

    You need a copy of this too! They should start handing it out to new parents on their way out of the hospital. It would cut down on a lot of guilt.

    “Go the Fuck to sleep”
    http://www.amazon.ca/Go-F-Sleep-Adam-Mansbach/dp/1617750255/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1305567591&sr=1-1

  • Melissa says:

    Also, your comments seem to have been Borked. I tried twice and got rejected and when I tried a third time to get the error to tell you what it said, it let me comment – Of Course!

  • Caet says:

    There is a book called “Go the Fuck to Sleep” available on Amazon. Seriously. Its real. And it’s hilarious. It won’t make her sleep, but at least it’ll give you a laugh.
    I have it as a PDF and I can email it to you. Let me know.

    I feel your pain.

    • Aimee says:

      As a mom of a one year old that still wakes up at least once a night, despite all my efforts, can you email it to me??? Not only does it sound hilarious but I seriously need a lift after a year of crap sleep.

  • This is my oldest daughter to a T she did not sleep for like a year because she was afraid of missing something. She is her mother’s child. I can’t sleep on top of the fact that I am afraid if I pass out there will be this AMAZING party and I will have missed it. It really sucks. So I sleep 2 maybe 4 hours a night. I am quite fun to have conversations with honestly.

    My oldest eventually turned into schedule queen and put herself to bed every might at the same time and woke up every morning still does at 5 AM sharp. Aspergers is GREAT. But luckily she no longer needs me to be up at 5AM after I just passed out. But alas that was my daughter, the other 3 kids love sleep my youngest daughter so much so you need to wake her from a safe distance because she will cut a bitch if you are to close she HATES waking up.

    I know for my oldest we got her one of those fancy dancy sound machines and it helped her stay asleep once she was asleep, because much luck her mother every little noise like a squirrel farting 10 miles away she could hear. So that also helped. And she also had other health issues we had to deal with where she had constant pain so maybe Amelia is dealing with something like that I so hope not in that aspect. But maybe sounds are waking her up. I swear to you the sound machine was the best money we ever spent. They even have sounds you can download now to I-pods.

  • Hilarious! Also, depressing. Because I, too, love sleep and know that one day I will no longer be allowed to sleep till noon just for funsies.

  • Kate says:

    My son is two and we just went through a week of teething related not sleeping well that merged directly into three days of virus with a high fever related not sleeping well. By the end of it I was ready to just put him in front of the TV and let him watch movies until he collapsed as long as it was quiet enough that I could sleep in the next room. Luckily he finally fell asleep in bed but if he’d gotten up one more time that was our plan.

  • I was watching Happy Endings last week and when he said “Shut Your Whore Mouth” I immediately hit pause and prayed to sweet grilled cheebus that you watch that show and heard it too. Because that was freaking amazeballs.

  • Dr. O says:

    Oh, I remember those days when Monkey was itty-bitty and I kept hearing imaginary baby cries!! Benedryl was a life-saver. Then, of course, the Zoloft made my life a MILLION times better. :)

  • Cathryn the Great says:

    Ok- seriously- seek help for your child if she doesn’t sleep. It’s asinine I waited so long to intervene- my son didn’t sleep at all through the night until 3 years old. (a little after that, actually). The kids need sleep and so do we. My sons been on Melatonin and Catapres for about 3 years. Tried more than once to wean him off or do the Melatonin alone- but you know we aren’t all born with the same neurochemistry. So- we all take our medicine in this house- and we sleep now. Not sure if this is a phase for your daughter or not- but if this goes on to be a long standing pattern- don’t let either of you go too much longer without sleep!!!!

  • My oldest never slept. My youngest slept, but only until he was old enough to climb out of his crib. Then it all went to hell & has remained in hell to this day & they are 7 & 8. They get up at the fucking crack of DAWN! Assuming they don’t get up at 2am or 4 am.

    I’ve had insomnia for 9 years & am just now getting real honest to goodness sleep therapy help. I actually have had 5 hours of solid sleep in a ROW. I suspect I’d get more but I can’t seem to sleep before 1am and my kids get up at the FUCKING CRACK OF DAWN & do not come with volume control.

    Someday they will start high school & will have to get up at the crack of dawn & won’t want to. And at long last I will HAVE MY REVENGE!! I’ve already bought an air horn in anticipation.

  • Deanna says:

    Oh that brings back baaaaaaaaaaad memories for me…I had twins (with reflux mind you)and my schedule went like this: feed babe #1, hold him upright for an hour (reflux sucks), lay babe #1 down, feed babe #2, hold him upright for an hour (reflux sucks), lay babe #2 down, lay myself down, close my eyes for 15 min, babe #1 wakes for feeding, repeat, repeat, repeat!

  • Brandi says:

    I was going to post the “Go the F*** to Sleep” book for you, but everyone else already beat me to it.

  • Gamanda says:

    My college advisor was roommates with the priest “The Exorcist” was based on. Does that help?

  • Samantha says:

    Good Christ, I’ve never commented here before, but that video has brought me out of the woodwork. It is so twisted and beautiful. Well done.

  • Sleep deprivation is the worst! I wish I had the magical answer, but alas, I do not.

    I will say that almost everytime that happened with my son, it was teeth or an ear infection. Hope that helps.

  • Nico says:

    I completely relate to your child not wanting to sleep and your insomnia. I need an absolutely perfect environment and circumstance to sleep. My sister’s superpower is to be able to sleep – anytime, anywhere. I hates her.

  • Pasc says:

    Oh FML, we’re dealing with sleep regression here. It makes me want to stab myself in the eyeballs. Mommy wants vodka, indeed.

  • Pasc says:

    Oh FML, we’re dealing with sleep regression here. It makes me want to stab myself in the eyeballs. Mommy wants vodka, indeed.

  • Kristin says:

    Go look at the book on Amazon called “Go the F#*k to Sleep.”. I saw this on another blog but haven’t got it yet. Written, obviously, by a realistic parent :-)

  • Kristin says:

    Go look at the book on Amazon called “Go the F#*k to Sleep.”. I saw this on another blog but haven’t got it yet. Written, obviously, by a realistic parent :-)

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Bwahahahaha. I’m thinking of writing my own children’s book: Shhh…Baby, Mama’s Hungover.

      • JLK says:

        You really need to make that happen. I would totally buy it.

        Although, you’ve said you don’t like to drink so I’m a bit concerned about how realistic you can make it…..

        Amelia’s sleep strike sounds like a good time to try “getting in character” though!

  • Cryst says:

    I have the same problem with my demon spawn. usually due to insecurity. i give her one last cuddle and she whines herself to sleep

  • Colie says:

    Oh I feel your pain. My three year old is presently bellowing for the 32nd time since she got tucked into bed with her favorite stuffed cat, 12 tiny ponies, 3 stories, a fresh drink of water, a back rub which involves a wooden toy car and three taps, 5 I love you don’t let the bed bugs bites and despite me telling her not to call me
    again unless someone has ripped off a limb, she bellows…it never freaking ends!! When the He’ll can they move out??!! Or better yet??!! Can I move out!!??? Hang in there Aunt Becky!!!!
    PS: loving my cancer is bullshit shirt! You rock!

  • Megan says:

    Two things….1. I would buy that t-shirt. I might suggest a sweatshirt cause it’s much more comfy to sleep in. 2. If you get the name of the exorcist forward the number. My 9 month old has been doing the same thing the last couple days. Maybe it’s over all this Rahm hoopla?

  • Halala Mama says:

    This is seriously where I was in November. I was in mass (at the school where I teach) thinking about the week and half that Adam had woken me up every.single.night and I was exhausted. Then God spoke these delightful words to me…”Umm dummy. You have met your deductible. Make this the pediatrician’s problem.” So I went in ready to bawl myself… and voila..ear infection + antibiotics = sleep heavenly sleep.

    So maybe it’s an ear infection…. or rabies… that would probably keep me from sleeping anyway.

  • Ann says:

    Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Of course you get revenge when you embarrass her in front of her friends in a few years.

    Dude was a pretty good sleeper but maybe we had a carbon monoxide leak or something. I still embarrassed him in front of his friends.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Oh, she’s going to get it for this. Altho, Alex was SO MUCH WORSE that I’m framing his butterfly costume pictures and putting a damn spotlight on them.

  • Ewokmama
    Twitter: ewokmama
    says:

    AB, you are fucking goofy and I love it.

    I also love sleep. I got lucky that Jack loves sleep, as well. That’s why it makes it that much more torturous on those rare occasions when he doesn’t sleep…like when he pukes in his bed but REFUSES to get out of bed so that I can change his sheets…because he wants to continue sleeping. Oy.

    WHAT is Happy Endings? A show? I mean, I know all about that massage set up thing…and the movie…

  • Peter says:

    Have you considered sellin’ the kid to the Arabs and tellin’ everybody she was kidnapped in a horrible crime? And then THEY’D have to deal with the not sleeping.

    Maybe you’d make enough off the sale to be able to move to a non-haunted house, too, solving both problems at once.

  • Jenn says:

    Stooopid question: (Because who would I be without those?)
    How much light gets in her room at night? We’ve just put blockout on our curtains and all of a sardine my Hubby sleeps! He is also all about the “who can I kill coz I can’t sleep?” at around 2 in the morning.
    The Bunny has had block out from day one and sleeps… like me… show me a pillow and I’m off to La-la land!

  • Sam says:

    Mine is the same age (give or take a week I think?) And we’re having sleep issues. Either 2yr molars or developmental something or other. I’m blaming it on me being almost ready to have another baby and my toddler sensing the disturbance in the force.

  • Vinobaby says:

    My Kiddo slept through the night a 4 weeks…nah nah nah nah nah…

    And still does. But he does wake up at the ungodly hour of 5 freaking 30 on the weekends. So I introduced him to the tv remote and he discovered Full House. Now he wakes himself early just to watch Full House. And he was totally freaked out when I told him the baby is now actually filthy rich mid-twenties twins. Blew. his. mind.

    And I’m stealing that air horn idea when he hits his teens.

    Cheers.
    VB

  • Penbleth says:

    From a baby I went to bed when I was put and had to be woken in the mornings. My kids are clearly changelings left by the fairies because none of them wanted to be in their beds till they got to be teenagers, now they don’t want to get out of them.

    I know it’s no consolation, try locking her in a crate.

    I kid.

  • VEG says:

    This sounds horrible, but I suffer from mind-numbing bouts of insomnia for months at a time, and this was one of the primary reasons I decided not to have children. Mostly because I do not handle this kind of sleep deprivation well and tend to get VERY stabby when it happens.

  • Betty M says:

    I feel your pain. None of mine are sleepers. They all end up with us by morning. I feel like I’m in an 8 year Secret Service sleep deprivation experiment. Results not good.

  • And this would be why I’ve told my DH that I don’t know if we can have a 3rd. Our preschooler doesn’t sleep well – at all – and the toddler does but she’s always teething or something stupid. I’ve been running on an average of 4 hours of sleep a night for 4 years and working full-time and being a mommy full-time. Don’t know if I can keep it up for much longer.

  • Kristi says:

    On the bright side, there’s no vomit. Today, we’ve got vomit. I’m up, tonight, because of vomit. Will be finishing puke covered laundry for the next three days because of vomit.

    Did I mention the vomit?

  • Caroline says:

    This image of the kid crying at the table cracked me up!

  • Pingback: Stuff I Starred Saturday – In Case of Emergency, Zombie « LucidLotusLife

  • Natalie says:

    Oh I have had so many nights like that when I wanted to just sit down and bawl. And some when did.

    Kate slept so badly for so long that at a year old I’m totally thrilled that she’s waking up only twice a night… Sometimes only once! It’s great!! And other people look at me in horror when I say that.

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