Despite my plans to run through the Apple store up the block screaming “Android Rulez!” (and yes, the “z” is absolutely necessary) every time Apple launches a new product, I’ve yet to do it. Why? Because that would be a hot, steaming pile of bullshit. I miss my i(can’t)Phone like I miss butter. Wait, back up. I still eat butter. No, not by the STICK or anything, but alas, I digress.

My coworkers and I had gone out for lunch on Monday because, well, FOOD, DUH, and we’re used to the whole “working lunch” thing which basically means we try not to drool on the keyboard as we work. In my case, as you may have guessed, this is more of a reality than it is for the rest of my coworkers. On the way back, my coworkers rubbed their awesome i(can’t)Phones in my face as I tried to make my Android pull up a text message*

*note, it did NOT work

by showing me how awesome Siri is.

And by “awesome,” I mean, “she sucks.” While Ryan got Siri to tell him a story, I couldn’t even get my phone to turn on. When I asked the bland Android female robot in my phone to “tell me a joke,” my phone sorta did this fizzle-out thing and turned itself off. Apparently, my Android doesn’t like awesome. Or me.

Now, I’ve been working hard to stalk one of my coworkers as it seems like a good thing to do. Not because I really have the time to wipe my ass these days, but because, well, I’VE NEVER STALKED ANYONE. I can imagine getting a telephoto lens and taking rando surveillance photos o him doing such things as “taking out the trash,” and “eating an apple,” and then developing them in the darkroom I don’t have, then pasting them above my bed. Why? IT JUST SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA.

Because I have absolutely no filter, he knows my plan to stalk him and is perfectly happy to allow me up to two minutes each work day to do so. We’ve gone to great lengths to determine what “stalking” entails – it’s not standing and having a conversation or even doing that standing uncomfortably close massaging his shoulders and creepily whispering “Hey Buddy,” in his ear. He’s immune to all that. I think it’s because he’s from New York and that’s probably how people there greet one another. Or maybe they sniff each the other’s butt. I don’t really know.

The last time we spent time discussing my stalking habits, my coworker Ryan overheard us yammering on and was all, I should do something. Thanks, Ryan. So what does he do? He whips out his cell phone and tells Siri,

“Help, Becky is stalking me.”

Siri responded by providing him local emergency contacts. I can’t take a picture on my phone and Siri is ready to make Ryan coffee, walk his dog, and protect him from the big, bad, mean girl in the office.

I guess I should be grateful that Siri didn’t actually call the police or anything, but really, I’m just pissed off that the bitch can’t even tell me where to bury a body.

Wait. What?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

9 Responses to Siri Is A Fucking Bitch

  • No Good says:

    But here’s the thing…she REFUSES to understand me! I’ll ask her to call someone and she’ll call someone else. And it’s not even a simple misunderstanding. Basically, she’s f-ing with me and I hate her for it. And I’m so JEALOUS of the people she likes. Why doesn’t she like meeeee??? I think she’s a Mean Girl.

  • Lovelyn
    Twitter: NebulousMooch
    says:

    I don’t understand why y’all put up with Siri. She sounds insufferable.

  • steph gas
    Twitter: stephgas
    says:

    where the everliving fuck do you work? and are they hiring? because it sounds amazeballs.

  • AB, you’re gonna have to get the Drew Peterson app for that last bit o business:)

  • Michael Rochelle
    Twitter: mikeyllo
    says:

    I have my own Siri, but I’m still jealous of the one your co-worker has. When ever I really need Siri, she always leaves me hanging with a response like “I’m sorry I can not process your request at this time.” And then I’m all like, “But Siri, I only ask you one or two questions a month and NOW just happens to be the time that you can’t help. But I have 4G. Why is Verizon Wireless doing this to me?” And Siri responds, “Fuck if I know, but I still can’t process you’re request.” What a bitch!!!

  • Mishka
    Twitter: MishkaOP
    says:

    I almost can’t comment on this post since not only do I not use an i(can’t)Phone, I also don’t use an Android phone….(or even a Windows phone)…which means almost every commercial on television these days feels like it is saying “you are not one of the cool kids”. Then I have flashbacks of being the smallest kid in school and made to run back and forth during Red Rover, since I could never break through….

  • I have an Android and I downloaded Robin (A Siri Wannabe) One day Robin was giving me directions but she was totally taking me in circles and to abandoned parking lots and stuff. So I screamed at her and cussed her out. And she said, “I think I’m going to have to call your mother!” :P

  • Triplezmom
    Twitter: triplezmom
    says:

    I have an iPhone, but I’m afraid to use Siri. I’m afraid that I’ll start to rely on her and think she’s my friend and then when my phone inevitably dies, I’ll be even more upset.

    Also, is stalking fun? I need a new hobby.

  • Mommiebear2 says:

    We have a fairly new salesrep at my office that I stalk. He is hot.

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