I’m going to be uncharacteristically honest here because I am hallucinating tiny pink penguins marching over the monitor on my Big Mac and I don’t think that anything I say can be held against me in The Marriage Court and say it: Dave isn’t a great gift buyer. He’s gotten better over the years, for sure, but that’s only after I spent about four separate birthdays crying, “You mean, you bought me this pack of gum from a GAS STATION?”
I recognize that gifts and being thought of on the day of one’s birth (or on other holidays) isn’t important to everyone. For those of you who don’t care about such material things, I give you massive props. You are CLEARLY better, more evolved than I am.
I’m a slothly, mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragger of a person who likes my stuff-n-things and really, I want someone to THINK of me on my damn birthday (which, Pranksters, should be a national holiday).
That said, there are a couple of things that if The Daver thought to buy me on my birthday (or any other present buying day, really), I’d be Furious George.
Like this (brought to my attention by my new brother-in-law Patrick):
The BETTER MARRIAGE BLANKET. It officially reduces the incidences of those pesky Dutch Ovens and night farts. Which, to me, are like the best part of marriage.
I’m not a terribly gassy person, but The Daver, well, he is. So when he gets into bed and rips ass, I do the only thing a person CAN do in this situation. I grab the quilt and I quickly pull it over his head, trapping the noxious odors inside where he is forced to rebreathe his own stench for minutes at a time (this, Pranksters, is a Dutch Oven).
He’ll lay under there, howling for mercy, chocking on his own disgustingness while I lay on top of him cackling wildly.
If I had the Better Marriage Blanket, I could not do such a thing and that WOULD MAKE ME SAD. Because I consider that to be high sport and while I’m sure a good lot of you are shaking your heads wondering how I conned someone into marrying me, I can honestly tell you that I have no idea, either.
So BACK OFF, Better Marriage Blanket People, and let me have my fun.
And The Daver, if you buy me this, I will somehow manage to find a way to get Auggie to pee on your pillow. That’s a promise.
What’s the worst gift YOU have gotten, Pranksters?