1) You go to annual doctor’s appointments, not just when “it burns when you pee.”
2) You begin to care about the length of your lawn.
3) You dread summer vacation because WAIT A MINUTE, I have to PARENT these kids?
4) Rather than stopping to check out that rad couch on the side of the road to see if it has obvious pee-stains, you drive by, laughing, remembering when you’d say, “THAT LOOKS GREAT.”
5) You actually drink alcohol for the flavor.
6) You laugh at the Coors Lite commercials, because remember when you drank that shit?
7) You know how to reorder checks.
8 ) Staying out until the bars close is an impossibility.
9) You get excited about buying a steam cleaner for your rugs.
10) You become even MORE excited to USE the steam cleaner.
11) You know what a 401K is.
12) You can’t remember what month it is because they’re all the freaking same, right?
13) You have a mortgage.
14) You refinance your mortgage to get better rates.
15) You own jewelry that needs to be insured.
16) You take your car in for regular oil changes – not just when it starts making that weird thumpy sound.
17) Your fridge is stocked with things other than condiments and beer.
18) You buy mulch. And use it. HAPPILY.
19) Drinking until you shit now sounds like a bad idea.
20) You own – and occasionally wear – comfortable underwear.
21) You realize that spending the night in front of the television sounds preferable to getting smashed at the bar.
22) You can keep a plant alive.
23) You regularly change your wiper blades.
24) The prospect of dropping 5K on a new air conditioner thrills you.
25) You never turn a load of whites pink by accident.
26) You no longer use rope lighting as an accessory.
27) Putting up a Bud-Light poster in your living room is considered trashy. By you.
28) You’ve developed a plan that goes a little farther than, “drink as many PBR’s as possible before lunch today.”