At one PM today, my daughter, Amelia, was feeling sad.

(note: Parts of My Daughter, Amelia, will be played by Your Aunt Becky)

Aunt Becky Mommy Needs Vodka
Not Actually My Daughter

Why could that be?

Could it be because she saw this scary poster hanging in a local eatery?

BUTTER IS THE DEVIL
That Kid Can Believe it's Not Fucking Butter.

No!

Could it be because she couldn’t find Mommy’s Boba Fett helmet?

Hot Girls in Boba Fett Helmet
Reality Doesn't Care If You Believe It. Neither Does Mom.

NO!!!

Could it be because no one bought her “Couch Jesus?” on eBay?

Kids drawing on couches
Couch Jesus

No way man!

Could it be because Mommy hadn’t installed the Ultimate Disco Ball in her bedroom yet?

Disco Inferno
We're Getting The DISCO Band Back Together

NO!

Amelia,

Aunt Becky Mommy Needs Vodka
Not Actually Amelia

Why so sad, peanut?

Here’s a song for you.

It’s what Mommy sings when she’s in the shower. Let’s sing i..ouch, Amelia, that hurts. Don’t pry Mommy’s lips off.

Oh. You’re sad because you just started school today. I see.

I’m sorry you were sad…What’s that? You’ll only be less sad if I buy you these in your size?

Blue Patent Leather High Heels

Pretty sure your father would have my head.

I’ll go get my credit card.

Comments

comments

37 thoughts on “She’s The Number One Super Girl

  1. You’re even more awesome now that I know you have a Boba Fett Helmet! I am a huge star wars nerd. HUGE! Also, I think the best shower song to sing in the world is , “Easy” the faith no more version.

  2. She has some snawesome taste in footwear! And would never have a problem with school again so long as she knew a wee pair of patent leather electric blue pumps awaited her at home…

  3. Probably she would be happy if you bought them in your size & let her wear them. Which makes them 2 for 1, which is an awesome deal!

    I need a Boba fett helmet. I only have a batman mask & I am sick of being a good guy. The Dark Knight just isn’t dark enough

  4. Hmmm… this small sad child felt she could only feel better with that particular item… hmmmm… seems to me a lifetime of sharing shopping is in the future… she certainly has excellent taste… Come visit when you can…

  5. Those shoes would take my high arches and break my foot right in half. Legacy of my pregnancy? Bones in my feet all shifted and I can’t wear high heels anymore. Damn kid.

    School?! She can slow down on kicking but with that degree.

  6. Love the Sharpee kitty whiskers, sweetheart!
    Oh, and the shoes, you can keep them. Ever since I broke my foot (you don’t want to know how) I can’t wear heels higher than 2 inches.

  7. Love the Sharpee kitty whiskers, sweetheart!
    Oh, and the shoes, you can keep them. Ever since I broke my foot (you don’t want to know how) I can’t wear heels higher than 2 inches.

    1. That being said, I myself like to break into the Butthole surfers theme from Underdog.

      I think the fact that this version was not included was part and parcel of what made me hate that movie. Oh and that it was fucking terrible. Jason Lee, why don’t you love me anymore?

  8. Uh, I’m all sad in the pants too. I got dumped the day after Christmas, after 4 effing years! I think shoes are the perfect pick me up kick his royal fucking ass answer to my problems.
    *ahem* just sayin

    1. I think you’re right. I’ll send you some. Unless you have tiny feet. I get offended when people have tiny feet. Because then they’re all, “YOU HAVE BOAT FEET, AUNT BECKY,” and I have to punch them in the neck (not really).

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