2009 BlogLuxe Awards

Part I is here and Number B is here.

I’d tried to explain to Matt, after the initial upset, that I really just wasn’t that into him. But after he’d simply call me and breathe into the phone heavily, I gave up and stopped answering the phone altogether. I had a roommate who never left the room and an answering machine to catch any other calls, so I turned into sort of a telephone-a-phobe.

Which angered me greatly. Known for talking paint off walls, the forced exile of my phoneness made me feel trapped. Feeling trapped by some creepy guy with lips like two pieces of fleshy liver made me irate.

Working in my favor after awhile was my new boyfriend. Not because he had done or said anything to Matt, but because I now had one.

Matt got the hint. Matt also got angry.

Soon enough, I was back to my telephone-o-philic ways and felt free enough to call Matthias again without fear that Matt was going to burn down my dorm. It was concrete anyway, I reasoned, but I did try and make sure to call when Matt was at class.

One night, the lot of us were sitting around plotting a trip with our new fake ID’s to the local college bar, and we decided to see if Matthias wanted to come along with us. I picked up the phone, dialed and was dismayed when Matt answered. Never one to back down even when I should, I asked to speak to Matthias.

“He’s not here,” Matt spat and slammed the phone down.

“Fucker hung up on me!” I said angrily, depressing the off button while my face flushed scarlet. “What a fucking dill-bag!” I’d been prepared to let the whole I’m-stalking-you-creepily-thing go and let bygones be fucking bygones, but now? All bets were off.

“Let me try,” Pashmina Stimpy (her name is STIMPY. I was Ren, she was STIMPY on our old blog.) took the phone forcibly out of my clenched fist. She dialed the number.

“Hi, this is Stimpy, can I please speak to Matthias?” She used her most professional sounding voice which made me crack up. She listened for a moment and then hung up. “Dude. He hung up on me, too!”

Oh hell no.

The phone was passed to Stimpy’s roommate who called. “Hi, this is Stimpy’s roommate,” she said cheerfully, “Is Matthias available?” I was beet-red, trying to stop the laughter. “Oh FUCK no,” she said as she hung up. “Dickhole hung up on me too!”

James, an RA from the guys floor below was next. “Hi Matt,” he chirped, cheerful as a clam. “This is James!!! Is Matthias there??” He practically bubbled the last sentence through the phone managing, I noticed jealously, to sound entirely sincere while doing so.

After Matt hung up on him too, we all were roaring with laughter. They’d all kept me away from Matt’s creepiness for months before and were suitably freaked out by him. But not, obviously, freaked out enough to have some fun.

The lot of us ran down the hall to my room where we persuaded Vanessa, my roommate, who was also well aware of the antics of Matt’s weirdness, to call. Like everyone before her, she was hung up on. My sides ached from laughing and the tears had wet the front of my shirt completely.

But now we’d run out of people to call him, so we headed back to Stimpy’s room to have a smoke and decide what to do next after James did my makeup so that I could pass as a 28 year old Greek chick (I was 19 and not even close to Greek). I ended up looking somewhat like a transvestite, but it was only appropriate. Calling Matt had left us all in a punchy mood, so we giggled like schoolgirls at everything.

It was Stimpy, I think, who had the next brilliant idea. And it was a brilliant one.

“Hand me the phone,” she commanded to James, who handed it over, mystified. She grabbed it and dialed while we stared at her. What the hell was she doing now?

“Hey Matt, this is Stimpy,” she cheerfully reintroduced herself. “Hey, I’d just called, and I know I asked if Matthias could call me back but, you know, I’m going out to the library now, so you don’t have to tell him I called.”

I told you it was brilliant.

One by one, we called back, asking Matt to ignore our previous request to have Matthias call us as we were all going out somewhere or another. By the time it was my turn, he’d taken the phone sadly off the hook.

The best part of the entire situation was that Matt now avoided each and every one of us like we were diseased plague-ridden rats. We’d see him walk past The Ashtray–which we were trying to fill with butts–and wave wildly, and he’d turn the other way, pretending not to see us or answer our frantic “HI MATT’s!!”

He never bothered me again.

Mature? No. Highly entertaining? Abso-fucking-lutely.

———

Stalker stories? College stories? BRING IT.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

36 Responses to She Said I Can’t Take The Way He Sings, But I Love To Hear Him Talk

  • I think you handled the Future Stalkers of America Chapter President brilliantly.

    In my only stalker story, I am sadly the stalker. As a 12 year old I had a crush on a much older man (16) who worked as a cashier at the local supermarket. My mother would send me off several times a week to buy her cigarettes (yeah, she sent a 12 year old to buy butts. It was the 70’s and nobody gave a shit if we smoked. Hell they sold me rolling papers without question) Annywayy. . . I started making up reasons to go to the supermarket. I think I bouugt 923 packs of gum that summer. I also figured out where he lived and rode past on my bike as often as I possibly could. He eventually got creeped out by the moony way I looked at him when I bought my Fruit Stripe Gum and Cigs and he politely pointed out our age difference. I was crushed, but I never stalked again.

  • SciFi Dad says:

    OK, that was pretty cool, I have to admit.

  • Inna says:

    Brilliant!

    ps – I voted again

  • I’ve never really had a stalker in the true stalker sense, but there is one woman who kind of won’t take the hint that I don’t want to be her friend. We used to work together, and got along really well. I heard things about other people not liking her for one reason or another (mostly because she was crazy), but surely they were wrong!

    However, when it was time for me to go back to school last fall, the principal wanted me to stay on part time. He just needed permission from human resources. My “friend” started acting weird when I told her I wouldn’t be there as much, and I found out a couple of weeks later that she had called the head person at human resources (in this town, if you know people, you can get anything done) and suddenly, he wouldn’t approve my shorter hours, despite what the principal wanted. She thought that if I wasn’t working there, she would be able to get them to give her health insurance instead of paying my salary. The joke was on her, though, because they hired someone else to take my place AND she got fired at the end of the year.

    I pretty much stopped all contact with her , only talking to her if we ran into each other while I was visiting other people at the school, and even then, I tried my best to avoid her. The weird/stalkery part? When she talks to a mutual friend, she always asks her things about me. What’s going on with my boyfriend, why don’t I ever call her, why wasn’t she invited when we all got together (this information she got from my friend’s 12 year-old-daughter). When my friend, Mel had a “divorce party” last month, she was there. The Fireman took a picture of Mel and me, and this person was in the background. I posted it to my Facebook and crazy girl commented, “Well, I’m in the background, but you can’t see me because she cut me out.” Uhhhh, crazy, for one thing, the picture wasn’t cut, for another, WTF?!?!?! She left a similar comment on Mel’s page. By that afternoon, she’d deleted her comments. I was completely creeped out by that shit.

  • mumma boo says:

    You are an evil mastermind. :) Love it!

  • Betts says:

    I was getting a little scared. I was afraid he’d killed Matthias and that’s why he wouldn’t let anyone talk to him. I think I’ve been watching too much Harper’s Island.

  • I HAD TOTALLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT. Holy crap, I AM kinda brilliant sometimes.

  • a says:

    I dated a guy for 8 years. After about 2 years, I knew I didn’t want to be with him anymore, but I also knew that he was going to be a stalker. As it turned out, I was entirely correct. He had replicated my email, so he could check up on me. After I broke up with him, he called my boss at work to try to get me to talk to him. He called my office mate and left a threatening message on his voice mail (my office mate is now my husband). I would go out to lunch with a mutual friend, only to find that he was pumping the friend for information about me. He called friends that I used to work with to try and get in touch with me. There were visits from the police and restraining orders. This was all 10 years ago. So a couple months ago, who sends me a Facebook friend request? My stalker. He also found me on Classmates.com. Seriously, dude, 10 years! And he got married in the meantime (and possibly divorced based on his messages).

    I love your torture method – that’s hilarious. Poor Matt is probably still stewing about that.

  • a says:

    Oh…college stories…once upon a time, I went to college in Colorado. So one night, a bunch of us packed ourselves into 3 different vehicles and went up into the foothills for some drinking. I didn’t actually drink at that point – I waited a few months before I became a devoted alcoholic. Anyway, while we were enjoying the sweeping vistas, someone got the bright idea to light a little bonfire. So, we were all standing around the bonfire, having a great time, when we notice some flashing lights coming up the road. Seeing as we were all underage (maybe – this is a gray area, since people my age were allowed to have 3.2 beer and wine coolers at the time), everyone dumped their beer onto the fire and scattered. We were all hiding in the woods, waiting for the cops to go away. Finally, after about 20 minutes of standing around quietly, we hear “Will the owner of the brown Ford pickup truck please come up to the road?” That was a pretty good clue that they were not going away, so we gave up and went up to the road. The cops and the firemen then proceeded to lecture us for another 20 minutes about the hazards of lighting bonfires in late August, which could turn into forest fires. They told us that they could fine us $5000 each (at which, my friend Dean quipped “Can we charge it to the bookstore?” because his parents paid for everything he charged at the bookstore) and put us in jail. Fortunately, they were aware that we were just a bunch of idiot college students and settled for scaring us, rather than actually charging us. We ended up with 3 tickets – 1 per car – for $50 each. After that, we didn’t go drinking in nature any more. We stuck with the dorm or the bars.

    But, a few months later, some of the same friends and I went up to Wyoming to buy alcohol because they had a lower drinking age. Or maybe the booze was cheaper there, because I had to use my fake ID. The address on my fake ID was 1313 Lake Shore Drive, which, if you know your Chicago address conventions, lies in the middle of Oak Street/North Avenue Beach. When I handed my ID to the clerk in the middle of nowhere Wyoming, the clerk says “Lake Shore Drive? Your dad must be a doctor or something.” Turns out that the clerk in the liquor store in the middle of nowhere Wyoming (which is pretty much all of Wyoming as far as I can tell) was from Schiller Park. But he didn’t call me on the fake ID.

  • Kristina says:

    In addition to being a stalker, Matt is not very smart. You’d think he would’ve taken the phone off the hook much sooner than he did.

  • ryanandjoesmom
    Twitter: ryanandjoesmom
    says:

    If walking in circles around the mall 17 times a day to catch a peak at a dude I had a major crush on in high school is being a stalker then I will raise my hand when asked the question. Have I also been stalked? Yes. My favorite was by a dude that lived in his car – when he wasn’t living at his grandma’s. Did I know how to pick them or what?

  • Minnie says:

    This is the shit that made me fall for you.

  • That’s pretty clever! I stalked a few guys in college, but effective stalking requires more effort than my lazy butt is willing to put into it.

  • Nic says:

    Stalking your stalker… brilliant!

  • Mrs Soup says:

    Oh hilarious!!

    And for college stories, just check my blog on Fridays. :D

  • Katie says:

    Great, now I can’t get No Doubt’s “Spiderwebs” out of my head.

  • lady lemon says:

    Wow. I should have lived in the dorms.

    I had a stalker once in college, thankfully he didn’t have my phone number, but he somehow got my father’s address (how?) and mailed me a letter there.

    Yeah, it was fucking creepy. And no where near as much fun as this.

  • Nancy says:

    I say fuck him if he couldn’t take a joke!

  • kalakly says:

    I miss college.
    My roommate tried to help me out by screening calls for me from annoying stalker type friend only her method was really more ‘screaming’ and she only did it once. Annoying friend had been calling all day and finally roommate picked up the ringing phone and at the top of her lungs yelled WWHHHHAAAAATTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! into the receiver. Then turned bright red and handed me the phone. It was my potential boss from City Hall calling to schedule an interview.

    I still got the job….and I didn’t have to sleep with him to get it… whew.

  • Kristine says:

    CLosets I came to a stalker was an ex – who when he couldn’t get a hold of me one night (I was out running) her drove over to my house and sat in front of it until I came home. Then he called again and pretended not to be out in front of my house. AS IF.

    When I decided to break up with him, I just waited until he lied to me again (a daily event) and did the deed…it wasn’t even 3 hours later.

  • Sara says:

    I had a stalker starting my junior year of high school. Dude asked me out 12 times in two years, and never understood that I just wasn’t EVER going to say yes. 2 years after graduation, he drove next to me on the busiest street in our town, and started waving and yelling at me out the window. The weird part was, I had moved to a new part of town (and was headed that way), and had a new car. He should NOT have recognized me.

    I’m still creeped out to this day, and glad I live in another state!

  • honeywine says:

    Could anybody even get away with this now? Cuz if I could find the phone numbers… ;)

  • JamesD says:

    Thanks for the useful info. It’s so interesting

  • deb says:

    I have no stories that would compare. But you absolutely need to teach a class in “How to outstalk a stalker”.

  • Here’s wishing you’d get an alumni magazine with an update and photo of Matt and he was pointing at the lens and holding a posterboard with your name on it. It would be creepy, but kind of funny, you gotta admit!

    I spent most of my college career regaling anyone who would listen on how fantastic everclear and jungle juice was. Even drunk, oddly, I didn’t stalk anyone!

  • Suzy says:

    This is even better than those stories you hear about people fucking with telemarketers! Well-played, my dear!

  • Laura says:

    I’ve had two half ass stalkers. Both were guys I had dated. The first guy was a nice enough guy. We had gone out a few times and I was a little undecided about how I felt about him. Until one day we were watching some tv at my house and making out. All of a sudden he screamed and jumped up on the couch. My little 6 month old kitten had come in the room. Apparently he has a kitten phobia. He really lost his shit. I laughed at him and told him there was no way this was gonna work, if he was going to freak out every time he saw a kitten. He still wanted to see me but I was really turned off by this time. He would call and instant message me all the time. He started creeping me out, so I blocked his IMs. Then he started signing in under other names online to try to get me to go out with him. When I told him to piss off, he’d just pretend to be other people. Finally he just got desperate. I’m pretty sure he was checking to see if I was at home. Even if I was invisible online, he’d message me telling me he knew I was online and had to talk to him. I moved not too soon after and changed all my emails and IM name. He found out where I lived, but I just ignored it. I was pretty sure I could kick his ass if I needed to or I could just throw my cat at him and he’d run screaming.

    The other guy was someone I was dating. He was gorgeous and a lot of fun. He wanted to be more serious. One day I got this feeling that he was being shady. Well, I found out that he was married. She had cheated on him and he was using me to get back at her. Well I wasn’t liking the idea of dating a married guy. I don’t think he was used to women telling him no. He would call saying we were best friends and we shouldn’t let that go. And even though he was trying to make it work with his wife, he still wanted us to work. I would pretty much ignore him. I met my future husband not too long after that and told stalker guy hoping that he’d finally move on. No, he thought we could work it out even if I was seeing someone else. I never responded to any of his messages, hoping that he’d get the hint that I wanted nothing to do with him. He sent me text messages begging me to see him or even talk to him for over a year and a half.

  • birdpress says:

    I have no stalker story to top that, but thanks for the entertainment! I did have a stalker my freshman year, but he was just some creepy guy who was a friend of a guy friend, who couldn’t take a hint. He was one of those “I’m going to kill myself if you won’t at least talk to me!” kind of stalkers. I never did find out if he went through with it.

  • Holli says:

    I had a couple semi-stalkers. You know the type- kinda creepy but not anything to be afraid of. My fav was in high school. This guy who went to another school and was a friend of a friend developed a thing for me. There wasn’t a chance in a million years that I would date this guy so I basically just blew him off. He ended up following me around whenever he saw me. He stole a picture of me and told everyone how he wacked off to it. After that when I saw him driving on a Friday night I threw a pop bottle at his car. A few days later the cops called and said someone turned me and my friends in for drinking and driving!

    You know, I can’t even remember this guys name. Can’t even remember what he looks like!

  • Meg says:

    So highly entertaining! I wish!!

  • Mrs.LaLa says:

    ROFL – ohhh gotta love stalkers. I had one ex who used to just stand around. He’s been in the curch parking lot staning in front of my car, on my porch at 3am, at school events off to the side (this was in high school). He never said anything, but sometimes there were tears. Crrrrrreeeeeeepy!

  • Emily R says:

    mine is too pathetic. but i’ll post it sometime…

  • LMAO!!!!!! Never had a stalker and in a weird way, now, i wish i had. For story purposes only of course. Im not really into the whole stalking thang, but many of my housemates do…..on facebook. Yep want to know something about the person you have a crush on but know nothing about? Just search for them on facebook. It’s the stalking of the 21st century.

  • Jenn says:

    I did have one ex-boyfriend who would show up suddenly wherever I was (even at work) for months after I ended it. And he would call me a whore and lots of other awesome things. It was scary (he was psycho) and made me cry quite a bit. Fun times. Not something I want to think about long enough to elaborate on though.

  • Lola says:

    I take a couple days off, and you write a book? Jesus! Well, my stalker is mentally ill, so it’s not very fun, and I’ve already told you about that freak anyway.

    I’m off to vote again and read the first parts of the book ;)

  • Kristin says:

    Absolutely BRILLIANT!

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