97: times I’ve wondered if that Google Friend Connect button for my reader actually works.
0: times it’s worked.
1,273,009: posts that I’ve undoubtedly missed.
84: times each day that I offer a prayer of thanks to the universe for bringing me Diet Coke.
2: days until I am officially a mother of an 8 year old.
984: times that thought has made my heart stop.
1,679: Twitter followers that are no doubt in awe of my awfulness
3: potentially offensive things I say on Twitter each day on average.
3: average number of Tweets per day
6: number of flies I have fed my Venus Flytrap in the past four months.
6: number of times I have clapped like a stupid monkey after it ate that fly.
0: hours a day Amelia fells like sleeping
60: times an hour I lovingly caress the Children’s Benedryl bottle and say, “soon, my sweet, soon.”
24: hours a day I feel like sleeping.
4,373: times a minute Alex can say the word, “Mommy” without breaking a sweat.
0: trolls I have gotten here from the NY Times article.
53: comments the article garnered before they wisely closed comments.
50: comments that made my jaw drop wide, wide open.
9,473,030: times I have wondered how one is supposed to handle criticism like that.
1: horrible haircut that I bestowed upon Alex after it became tragically clear that I could no longer easily get him to wash his hairs.
36: times I have vowed to never let another pair of scissors wielded by me to get near his enormous cranium.
9,110,746 and counting: hairs I have lost since Amelia was birthed.
394: times I have considered weaving sweaters made of my own hair to sell on Etsy.
13: mcg my Synthroid was adjusted yesterday.
9: minimum number of months for my thyroid to get back out of “dangerously low” range.
Infinity: number of times it will be funny to say “I HAVE A GLANDULAR PROBLEM” in a high, nasally voice. Because I do.
Infinity: number of times I wish that I did NOT have a glandular problem to mock.
1,331,789,756,009: times I have wanted to choke the stupid duck on the Wonder Pets for saying, “This is SEWEOUS.”
Because THAT, motherfucker, IS serious. DEADLY serious.