97: times I’ve wondered if that Google Friend Connect button for my reader actually works.

0: times it’s worked.

1,273,009: posts that I’ve undoubtedly missed.

84: times each day that I offer a prayer of thanks to the universe for bringing me Diet Coke.

2: days until I am officially a mother of an 8 year old.

984: times that thought has made my heart stop.

1,679: Twitter followers that are no doubt in awe of my awfulness

3: potentially offensive things I say on Twitter each day on average.

3: average number of Tweets per day

6: number of flies I have fed my Venus Flytrap in the past four months.

6: number of times I have clapped like a stupid monkey after it ate that fly.

0: hours a day Amelia fells like sleeping

60: times an hour I lovingly caress the Children’s Benedryl bottle and say, “soon, my sweet, soon.”

24: hours a day I feel like sleeping.

4,373: times a minute Alex can say the word, “Mommy” without breaking a sweat.

0: trolls I have gotten here from the NY Times article.

53: comments the article garnered before they wisely closed comments.

50: comments that made my jaw drop wide, wide open.

9,473,030: times I have wondered how one is supposed to handle criticism like that.

1: horrible haircut that I bestowed upon Alex after it became tragically clear that I could no longer easily get him to wash his hairs.

36: times I have vowed to never let another pair of scissors wielded by me to get near his enormous cranium.

9,110,746 and counting: hairs I have lost since Amelia was birthed.

394: times I have considered weaving sweaters made of my own hair to sell on Etsy.

13: mcg my Synthroid was adjusted yesterday.

9: minimum number of months for my thyroid to get back out of “dangerously low” range.

Infinity: number of times it will be funny to say “I HAVE A GLANDULAR PROBLEM” in a high, nasally voice. Because I do.

Infinity: number of times I wish that I did NOT have a glandular problem to mock.

1,331,789,756,009: times I have wanted to choke the stupid duck on the Wonder Pets for saying, “This is SEWEOUS.”

Because THAT, motherfucker, IS serious. DEADLY serious.



85 thoughts on “Sadder Than A Paint-By-Number Sad-Eyed Black Velvet Jesus Clown

  1. Hubby and I hate the duck, too. Unfortunately, it has lodged its lisping self (wodged its wisping sewf?) permanently in our heads, to the point that whenever anything serious, anything at all, comes up, we sing “THIS IS SEWEOUS!” to each other.


  2. I did not read any of the comments, but sorry for the negativity. Mean people suck, period.

    This post was great.

    You’re awesome!

    And The Wonder Pets can suck it, too. ARGHGHHG!!!!!!!

  3. Nice list. I hope your thyroid gets it’s act together soon. Homey don’t play that. As for the article, let the haters hate, they are making you famous.

    Besides, I love you. Does anything else matter?

  4. I missed the NY Times thing. But whatever is was, I would have had your back. Don’t worry about their critisizm. They’re nothing and they don’t matter. We love you, babe.

  5. My daughter and husband love that freaking duck. It’s lisp makes me want to stab my eye out with a dull pencil. That duck and Caillou, make me want to kill all of the TV’s.

  6. I am so glad I’m not the only lispy-duck/bald-Calliou hater!!! And why is it that Calliou’s parents are so gender neutral you can’t tell the dad from the mom? And why does his grandfather have more hair than Calliou, who is apparently bald due to some sort of developmental issue, a victim of OCD trichotillomania, OR suffering through pediatric chemo (which is SO not something a parent wants to think about during cartoons!)??? Furthermore, as I ride the Calliou-hate train that has been growing within for years, why is it that every adult on the show is so baseline medicated they all talk like they’ve been given shots of thorazine??? THIS my friends, is NOT quality tv. I’d rather watch the total crack-heads on Yo Gabba Gabba because that. shit. is. funny. the end.

  7. OMG Yo I hate that motherfucking duck too. In fact I hate the whole damn show I hate it with a passion, I am so glad my daughter has grown out of it and I refuse to let the baby start watching it.

    Hope the tyroid thing get straightend out for ya girl

  8. <>

    My boyfriend says this all the time since he watched that show once, and he can’t figure out why I have to strongly dampen the urge to smack him upside the head for it. He’s watched the show ONCE of course he thinks it’s cute.

    but in other words, sorry about the comments you got from NY Post readers. If they can’t see your awesomeness there is something wrong with them.

  9. The wonder pets suck. And Calliou is a whiny bitch! Seriously.

    Wow – the amount of hair loss after a kid is nutty. Totally worthy of weaving sweaters.

    I gotta go, because the Phone. The phone is WINGING!

  10. Venus Flytrap….I’ve wanted one forever. Where do you get the flies though? I also want an ant farm. I want to introduce an ant from another colony so I can see them go to war. I’m sick. I know.

    You think your kid has a big head? Check out my facebook page to see my kids enormous heads. My son’s body is barely in the 5-10% (height weight) but his head is in the 95%. He’s just growing lots of brain and that’s good, right????? Please say it’s good?!

  11. 347: number of times I was referred to as Glandular Gladys after I played a silent part in a college play

    eleventy trillion: numbers of times we have watched Oswald

    ten gazillion: times we have said “3 marshmallows, no more, no less” after watching Oswald

    0: number of times I intend to let my daughter watch the duck of which you complain now that I know of its evil nature

  12. Who the frick wrote critical comments?!? Show me where they are. I will hurt them…..Dexter style.

    The venus fly trap thing made me choke on my Diet Coke. Because well, that was awesome.

    Glandular problems are the worst….but at least you know that is what the problem is. It took my mother FOR-FREAKING-EVER to get that diagnosed.

  13. @ Maggie: I hate you. No, no, I’m sorry, I hate myself for falling for it. Besides, I already had that damn song in my head anyway. And my kids are 5 and 6. And boys.
    Aunt Becky, the world owes you some good Karma points, young lady. Hope you get:
    1: Number of lives you would refer to as beautiful, even if you were allowed to use more than one word.

  14. I’m with you on the Diet Coke sweetie….I’ve got in my cup about 10 minutes after I wake up every morning…It’s dangerous in this should we ever run out….And do you really have a Venus Fly Trap? Kind of weird babe…

  15. Went over and read the nytimes article and comments. I hope none of the negative commentators are mothers. The whole ‘world is overpopulated’ argument makes me a little nutty. Aren’t they glad they were born? On the plus side, there were more positive comments than not.

    Maybe one of these days I’ll put my thoughts of motherhood on paper. In the meantime, I’ll just keep mommywantsvodka in the #1 spot on my reader.

  16. What IS Google friend connect anyway?

    Off to read the NYT article…

    Oh, and I am fortunate that my daughter has shown no interest in the Wonder Pets. Because I would seriously pull my hair out if I had to watch it. Of course, I am forced to watch Special Agent Oso, who is “special” in the wrong kind of way, in my opinion.

  17. I read the article and some of those women went apeshit in the comments section. Can you imagine what they are like in real life? *shudder*

    I’m sorry about your thyroid. I had to give levo/synthyroid the boot, dude. Armour is where it’s at for me. (I too have a glandular problem.)


  18. Bald Calliou — I wondered about him, too. Wonder Pets — I don’t know what they are, but I plan to leave it that way. And I still cut my son’s hair. He’s 5.

    Damn thyroid.

  19. How did you ever think of that for a blog post? How creative. And funny. and I don’t even know who that fuckin duck is but I could totally picture it in my head.

    So your whole post yesterday I was reading and re-reading and I was actually going to leave a lengthy comment but had this feeling like I was missing something. I think what I was missing was the comments on the NY Times Article. Hopefully even though they’ve closed them I can go back and read. Or if you copied and pasted them please pass them on. I hate feeing in the dark.

  20. I have not heard of Wonder Pets. We don’t have cable TV – free is just fine. My son watches musicals and the Dark Knight. And awesome cartoon movies like Shrek and Anastasia.

    “I’d give her a hah! And a hi-yah! And a wooo-ah! And I’d kick her, sir.”

    Here is something completely unrelated to Wonder Pets, Calliou, musicals or Venus Fly Traps:


  21. Add baby beaw from sesame street to the hatred list. Hubby and I want to go office space on the potty time elmo dvd. Does a beaw poop in the woods?

  22. If the world were coming to an end I would totally stock up on Diet Coke and if that wasn’t an option I would totally end it all.

    I sometimes want to blame that damn duck for my daughter’s speech problems, causing the blame to fall somewhere besides my absent parenting.

    Venus Fly Traps are cool. What is love? – A husband knowing what you enjoy more than chocolate, seeing innocent insects killed by plants.

    Sleeping Good.

  23. Some people have serious problems. A sizable number of them commented on that article. Don’t listen to them, they’re fuckers.

    The hair loss stops! Eventually. With me, it took a year. But the bald spots (seriously, one each side of my forehead) have now filled in. With short hair.

  24. 50 bajillion: times I’ve been glad today that my kids don’t wear diapers anymore.

    1: times I’ve been glad they’re old enough to watch shows that don’t involve annoying ducks who say, “sewious.”

    I love your posts like this.

  25. I love this post! I can not believe what you wrote about Ming-Ming! I think about the way he says “sewious” every freakin time and I shake my head.

  26. I can hang with the wonder pets…not sure why.

    I too have a glandular problem! Not an imblance……..but it is a GOITER and I like to joke about that too.

    Your blog rocks. I am a fairly new follower. See ya around…..

  27. well, I definitely need to read that article! 🙂
    Sorry for being away for so long..but I’m glad I came back now..this post is just too howlarious!!

  28. No trolls? Really?

    I mean, what’s this world coming to? Where are the fanatics telling you that you’re killing your children with your hurtful words? Won’t somebody think of Becky’s children?

  29. uh, Benadryl? I’ve often wished they had chloroform, llike on the 70’s shoes, Wonder Woman. You know they’d come up behind someone and put a white hankerchief over their face and the person would slump to the ground?
    That’s got to be harmful for a kiddie nap, right? 🙂

  30. All Right People – I am calling you all out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can you possibly have all the hatred for the duck AND NO ONE HAS MENTIONED DJ LANCE????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

    Come on, people. D.J. Lance. I’ll take the duck anyday!

    P.S. Calliou’s mom is the one with the headband, DUH! 🙂

    P.P.S. Is it just me, or does that kid make you want to donate to St. Jude’s too?

  31. I just went back and read the Times comments. It’s disappointing that there are folks that just don’t get it. Your readers and and hers get your perspectives and don’t give a shit what the Times commenters have to say. Apparently the Times is very democratic organization as they welcome all people to comment, even trolls.

  32. Wonder Pets should be blown up. I don’t have the times and honestly haven’t the brain power to google it tonight to read it. So I raspberry those who think they know everything and can’t take a criticism to save their own lives.

    Then again I can’t get through an entire day without chocolate and ice cream…and hows you day going???

  33. I HATE HATE HATE that duck with the heat of a thousand suns! A lisping duck for impressionable kids just learning to talk? I’m so glad they took it off the early morning lineup in our area so it can’t accidentally be turned on. Don’t even get me started on how much I hate Curious George and the premise behind forcing a wild animal into acting like a child.

    I’m on day 31 of thyroid meds looking around saying “WTF? I thought I’d be fixed by now!!!” 9 months? HELL!!!! I’ll be bald by then. I want to wear a t-shirt that says “It’s not my fault…. I HAVE A THYROID PROBLEM!”

  34. My mom used to cut my hair. My grandparents almost had a heart attack when she cut off my baby curls (I don’t remember this). She told them, if they were planning on bathing me, she’d grow my hair out as long as they wanted. That motto was true until we could shower alone. Then we could grow our hair out as long as we wanted. My sister and I had bowl cuts most of our young lives…

  35. The Venus flytrap, the flies, and you clapping like a monkey . . . awesome! I am currently growing Forget-Me-Not’s on my windowsill, and am mildly disturbed by the amount of time I spend cheering on those damn seeds . . . though as an alternative to cheering on my kids’ bowel movements, it rocks.

    Fucking Wonder Pets.

  36. So, are you hypo- or hyperthyroid? I’m hypo and also on Synthroid (for the first time. I was previously on Levoxyl) and I LOVE it! It works soooo much better!

    Anyway, I feel your pain/frustration. I’m waiting for them to come out with a robo-thyroid gland to replace the real thing. It’ll be pretty and butterfly shaped with nice little fiber optic lights and, well, I imagine it’ll look a lot like that thing from The Abyss! 😀 *ahem* What we thyroid imbalanced people will dream about…

    In case you’re wondering…http://news.povray.org/povray.binaries.images/attachment/%3Cnar1a1dsu2i8qslul7n7q0ohmuljdc95i6@4ax.com%3E/21.jpg

  37. You are too funny. You make a thyroid problem sound like a good time(that’s a creepy compliment for your great writing:) I enjoy you! Hey do you have my hat done yet? Because I also need some mittens!

    Much Love & Respect mommyspaceblog.blogspot.com

  38. OMG! Just made a comment on my FB status about that damn duck! I HATE THAT SHOW!

    Oh, I have a glandular problem too…

  39. Some of those people on the NY Times take themselves waaaaaay too seriously. The blog is Mommy needs Vodka, not Mommy is imbibing vodka currently while giving the children a bath and blowdrying. When did drinking any amount of alcohol become dirty or cause for a support group? And seriously what’s with the “ooooh new drinking craze, people are drinking too much these days” Have they not heard of the 50’s? Three martini lunches? People need to get over themselves.

  40. Ignore the nasty comments. I had an essay published in the NY Times about something that happened when I was a volunteer EMT. It was linked to on a couple of EMT forums. Most people left very nice comments. One guy (whose avatar was R. Lee Ermey) posted several times that I had killed the patient through incompetence and and probably had lots more corpses in my past. Yes, I spent several hours saying, “That’s so mean! About me!” but after a while, I got tired and just reminded myself that a$$holes have internet access too.

    I just hope my parents don’t see it, because they know know about trolls and would be very upset.

  41. 67…and multiplying unread posts in my Google Reader.

    1,920…times I wish I knew what was going on with my body since the specialist told me I have either an autoimmune disorder or disease.

    1…RSVP I need from you.

  42. EWW. New York Times Readers. You get just as many whacked out weirdos as well read well adjusted folks. And absolutely no ability to dictate who talks back to you. Yeah. Icky.

  43. That duck should be served up with a side of rice, Calliou’s parents need to get some balls (tell that kid to stop his whining!!), and DJ Lance just needs to GO AWAY!!!

    I’m with Lo – the NY Times commenters need to get over themselves. Now.

  44. I hate that fucking duck.

    Also, never ever read those comments on public websites that aren’t mercilessly moderated. They bring out all the sociopathic self-righteous fucktards.

  45. homemade haircuts: have you never heard of Flow-Bee? who could forget the joining of clippers to the vacuum cleaner? home haircuts that just LOOK like you came from the salon, but for a fraction of the price!

    kids tv: wonder pets.. meh. max and ruby? not happening. where are your parents, ruby? why are you so unsupervised? why are you always saying “maahh-aax” in that annoying, grating way that makes it two syllables? when did kids tv get so fucking far from the truth? why is she not shitkicking him when he constantly touches her stuff?

    there’s a party in your tummy, DJ Lance? really? because you’re 44 years old and everytime i look at you and see your fakeass orange afro and your matching orange nut huggers i want to sing “groove is in the heart” so i don’t think so, DJ Lance. the party is not in your tummy and it’s not in that fucked looking ghetto blaster, either.

  46. 1,679 gazillion Twitter followers that are no doubt in awe of your wonderfulness!

    I’m pretty sure they’re watching my train wreck 😉

  47. See, that’s the double edged sword of the internet, isn’t it? When I discovered (recently, because I am still somehow technologically in about 1988) blogs and online newspapers, I was ecstatic, because I could actually communicate with authors about their work, in meaningful ways, feeling that my voice was heard!

    When I saw the first few negative, clearly troll-y comments, I was shocked. How could people do such a thing, express such unfounded, inflammatory statements? But I’ve had to accept it. I’m always surprised, thinking, “Do your friends and family know you talk like this? Or are you hiding behind the anonymity of the internet to be a jerk?” And fortunately it’s never been directed at me, though I continue to be amazed that people can be so callous.

    I would love a Venus Flytrap and would clap with glee each and every time.

    I’m shocked that I managed to not get flamed badly here after this article aired. Because I was full on expecting a troll blow out and somehow I didn’t get it. Maybe I’ll get it in a couple weeks or so when my guard is down and I mistakenly say something about my dog. Because nothing attracts trolls like Auggie.

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