While many of you asked the cake redeemed itself in it’s deliciousosity, I regret to inform you that the burning hair smell put me off of it. Then, when I realized the fondant smelled exactly like I’d imagine the color Blue to smell, it further solidified my desire to never let it touch my delicate, refined, distinguished palate.

(the very same delicate palate that loves on Crunch Berry Cereal. Hard.)

So this, my friends, this is a requiem for a Cake Wreck:

Requium for a Cake Wreck

Alas, I cannot submit my creation to the SITE Cake Wrecks, because they only accept professional cakes, and as we’ve all gladly seen, I am no professional.

Somewhere, a lone bugle is playing Taps for my sad, sad cake.


Yesterday as I was flitting about the house uselessly writing a couple of things that I had promised I would do, I noticed that my right ear was making an odd tapping noise. I have a cold, because it’s a day of the week that ends in “y” and I always have a cold, thanks to my three crotch parasites, and I chalked it up to odd inner ear congestion.

As the day wore endlessly on, the knocking in my ear continued, and as I was finishing up the last of my articles late last night, I had a horrible, awful thought that combined the most awful of my fears.

What if something had laid their hideous eggs in my ear canal and now it was hatching to eat my remaining three brain cells? Like an alien? Or a bug? Or an ALIEN BUG?

(what, ME neurotic?)

(shut up)

When I informed Dave of my fears, he rolled his eyes and laughed.

The Daver: “You do remember it’s January in the Midwest, right?”

Aunt Becky: “Yes.”

The Daver: “And that nothing is actually alive.”

Aunt Becky: “Yes.”

The Daver: “And that you’re being neurotic.”

Aunt Becky: “You’d be neurotic too if you were growing an alien bug baby in your ear canal.”

The Daver: (rolls eyes) “Clearly.”

Then I went and flushed my ear canal with water and hydrogen peroxide for a couple of minutes, figuring that it would kill whatever was eating my brain. While it fizzed merrily, I hate to report that my ear is still sort of thumpy today.

The alien baby CLEARLY is immune to hydrogen peroxide.


Today I am over at Toy With Me, where I am telling the not-at-all (SARCASM ALERT) embarrassing story of my bachelorette party. It involves a clogged toilet, a stripper, and balls on my face.

And, as always, if you’d care to vote for me in The Bloggies under best humor blog (voting ends in a couple of days), here is the link. I will love you all over in ways you never knew possible.

70 thoughts on “Requiem For a Cake Wreck And Assorted Stupidities

  1. I definately voted for you.

    alien ear bugs are nothing…a friend of mine started losing his vision and found out it was from bugs. heebie jeebies all over the place.

  2. I keep wanting to respond but don’t know where to begin. I think I know because I want to respond to:

    “he rolled his eyes and laughed” but than I read on…
    “what, ME neurotic?” and I want to respond but than I get to…”While it fizzed merrily” and I want to respond because that is perhaps the only time I’ve ever read those words in that particular order and it makes me giggle (to fizzing) but than I get to “clogged toilet, a stripper, and balls on my face”

    And really once I read “balls on my face”? It was just over. I couldn’t even think of a comment worthy of the post. I just bow.

    (No really, I’m bowing)


  3. I knew a man who had a beetle crawl in his ear – had to be flushed out – but he said straight peroxide worked! Wonder what kind you have in your ear.

  4. I’m guessing that the thumping is the alien baby that laid its eggs in your brain over the summer. Now that you’ve committed the “balls on my face” story to print, the alien baby has become so horrified that it’s trying to escape. You may need to take an ice pick to your ear. (Note: I am not responsible for any collateral damage that may occur should you take my advice)

  5. I would have made your husband eat the cake. That’s what they’re for, eating our mistakes.

    ps – I found you through the Bloggies and couldn’t resist your blog name, so hi! *waves*

  6. OMG I am so much more in love with you now.
    Blue is a flavor (just like purple) and Crunch Berry cereal rocks!
    I am all “thumpy” today too. I thought it was because I was forced to clean all day yesterday, and getting congested is my punishment…but now that you’ve put that whole alien bug thing out there I must reassess.

  7. I recognize those target brand diapers right there with your cake. Is that a subtle way of telling us something? I guess that is the easiest way of doing it.. avoid running it through your digestive tract altogether.

  8. I had an ear tapper, too. I told the doctor, if there was something alive in my ear, she should just shoot me now, because I was going to die of squickiness anyway. She laughed, and told me there was a piece of dried skin, shaped like a corn flake, right over the ear drum, so every time the air around me moved (um, always?) I was hearing it vibrate. She cleaned it out, and I was good to go.

  9. I love Crunch Berries but I can’t tolerate the sugar level anymore. It makes my head buzz.

    Maybe you should put a couple drops of warm olive oil in your ear. It’s soothing and it will make the alien baby slip right out when it starts moving.

  10. that poor cake, in amongst the diapers.

    hey you aren’t the only one who fears alien ear eggs. Had mine checked after being in Hawaii becasue they always itched after that trip and still swear when the itch starts that they missed it.

    Oh and a horrible ear infection drove away the itch forever in one ear it swelled up and everything, just saying, maybe it hatched and that one is gone.

  11. You should have fed the not-cake to the Daver and have you considered that the knocking sound may be your last surviving brains trying to escape “The Poseidon Adventure” style?

  12. Is there someone who DOESN’T love crunchberries cereal (hard) ?

    You should abort the alien baby. I don’t know what your stance on abortion is but I am pro choice. I think Alien Babies living in ear canals are not viable fetuses until the 3rd week.

  13. I tried to vote for you. TWICE. And I keep not getting the email in my inbox that it swears it is sending me to confirm or something.

    I too had an odd noise in my ear the other day (also live in the midwest) while I was reading aloud to my son. It was SO distracting. I kept shaking my head to the side, like when you have water in it from swimming. Didn’t work.

  14. It’s not an alien, it’s your fraternal twin that you partially ate in the womb and now its one long finger that grew out of your brain stem is tapping on your skull.

    No more Stephen King for me.

  15. Maybe you’re ear pregnant and it’s a HUMAN baby. You’re going to be famous… famouser than you already are.

    P.S. My husband would have gladly eaten that cake.

  16. Lolol! Sorry about your cake wreck. I’ve made cookies that were so hard we could’ve used them as hockey pucks. Oops!

    Blue icing kinda turns me off too. Especially when it’s Smurf blue like that.

  17. I think your tapeworm just took a wrong turn. I hope you did not order it from a discount site! Always pay full price for tapeworms and Godiva, because obviously!

  18. I think you should buy yourself a cake as sort of a I-tried-but-failed-but-still-deserve-a-yummy-treat prize!

    Can’t wait to check out your post at Toy With Me, but right now I have to put my chauffuer hat on and do some running around!

  19. i too have the tapping ear thing… apparently it is a form of tinnitis and can be from a whole whack of different causes (and i am told i need to actually see a dr to figure out which one, so i just ignore it as best i can.) My tapping actually sounds like its related to my blood pressure (even though I have low bp); same sort of sound you hear through a stethoscope!

    Must check Dr Google for ideas!

  20. Dr. Oz told me last week that if it fizzes in your ear, it confirms infection! (As opposed to infestation.) So. Make of that what you will Aunt B. 🙂

  21. My ear does something like that ALL the time. Drives me NUTS! Does it kinda sound like when you get water in your ear after swimming?

    In my case, I have a teeeny hole in my eardrum and if I get water in my ear at all it can’t drain. SO I have to put a capful of rubbing alcohol in it. That usually does the trick.

  22. Stay in bed with a light shining just above your ear…alien bugs love bright light!! And, it’ll give you a good reason to lie in bed contemplating your next cake adventure!

  23. HAHA – Laura, snopes bug crawls in ear. – #1, you will understand what I said (& badass before me apparently) and know the truth of the alien bugs.

  24. Couple questions. Is that a diaper, are you insinuating that your cake is a pile of poo and what brand of diapers has cute polkadots on it?

  25. Thanks for test driving the new fancy schmancy cake decorater I almost bought my daughter for Christmas (yep I wanted it for myself b/c I too thought I could decorate cakes in my spare SAHM time – pphhfffttt!) Glad I didn’t waste my husband’s hard earned cash on that & went with the zhu zhu demon instead.

    Glad I am not the only who fears bugs have crawled into their ear & are leaving their little ear parasites to eat away my brain.

  26. Aw man, I would have at least tasted the poor cake. It’s not its fault that its ugly! Cake doesn’t have to be pretty to taste good. And even bad cake is usually not really bad, right? Ok, I have a problem. I’m addicted to cake. Oh well. Oh, and Crunchberries too. But I have steered clear for several years now. Will probably resume my addiction when my kids are old enough to ask for it.

    You’ve got to fill us in when you find out what is living, or tap dancing, in your ear. We’re all on the edges of our seats now.

  27. Ack! I now have this horrific image of a cockroach munching on your eardrum. *shudders* Better smear some of that cake on your earlobe to draw the creepy-crawly out. *shudders again*

  28. I have actual nightmares about bugs crawling in my ears and things. I think that conversation up there is one that Kent and I have actually had. Seriously. I love you and all your neuroses.

  29. Everyone knows that you have to drown the alien babies by dunking your entire head under water for at least a minute. DUH.

    So… let me know how that works out for you. And send pictures.

  30. Ok so you have seen that movie right? That movie where the guy stabs himself in the ear to kill the bug. My husband made me watch this when we were first dating and I have been traumatized by it. Not surprisingly when you google “movie where the guy stabs himself in the ear to kill the bug” it doesn’t immediately come up. My husband is on it. All this to say, every time my ear makes any noise I am paranoid that a beetle has crawled in there and I will have to stab it with an ice pick thus destroying my eardrum in the process. “Mountains of the Moon” My husband found it. His search entry was “lions africa moon bug ear.” Now that’s messed up.

  31. I get the thumping too. Except, not just when I’m congested. It mostly happens when I’m laying down. That said, I like whoever’s explanation went with the something like ear wax or skin laying on the ear drum and vibrating.

  32. I have the same sick fear. But it’s more that things have crawled up my nose. Cause that could happen where I live. We have roaches the size of the state where I live. And you can hardly get out of the shower before mold grows between your toes. Shudder.

    I can’t eat most things I try to cook. Nor can my husband. I’m afraid to bring things to potluck- what if I poison people and end up not only a social pariah but also a murderer?

    i’ve voted for you several times:)

  33. If you hadn’t mentioned that WAS a cake in that picture, I would never have known. I might still be looking at it trying to figure it out actually.
    Let me know where you register for the alien bug baby, because I’m having an awful time trying to think of what to buy you/it.

  34. An Easy Bake cake with a sex toy? Make it chocolate (cake, not the toy). Maybe a cake in the shape of a sex toy?
    Hmm… my birthday is coming up.

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