When the Urgent Care doctor offered me a shot of Dilaudid, I practically jumped on top of him and humped his leg. Had my neck not been spasming so badly, I probably would have.

For someone who claims to “want vodka,” I’m not much of a drinker, so the occasional narcotics use is about the closest I can get to altering my reality, and I was in such excruciating pain that had he told me that “licking the toilet might help a little” you would have found me bathing it with my tongue, no questions asked.

It was my second trip to Urgent Care in as many days and while normal people would have taken care of the migraine that I’d had since the previous weekend, not one of you can call me “normal,” so I’d waited until the pain was bad enough to make me weep. Then I’d gone in to Urgent Care. Twice.

After I’d sat in the grimy waiting room, being exposed to various forms of small pox and the bubonic plague, I was about ready to lop off my head and be done with the whole affair when I was called back and eventually offered the Dilaudid. That’s when the angels began to sing on high and the heavens opened up upon me. The idea of relief was almost more than I could stand.

I’d never had Dilaudid before, but I knew it was The Good Shit, and like I said, the pain was so intense I was about ready to find a voodoo doctor to remove the hex on my neck.

The nurse came in to administer the shot. She warned me that “it might sting a little,” but after three babies and two miscarriages, I’ve had RhoGAM a jillion times. RhoGAM is an immunoglobulin given to Rh-negative pregnant women. Immunoglobulins are thick, viscous serums that are administered via a McDonald’s straw right into the butt muscle. They hurt like hell.

So I was all, ‘WHAT THE FUCK EVER, LADY, YOU KNOW WHAT KINDA PAIN I’M IN?’ but I didn’t say that because if I was rude, she might have withheld the delicious drugs.

But holy fuckballs, that shit HURT. I walked around the Urgent Care clinic, trying to pick up Ebola and Dysentery (Oregon Trail makes it look so glamorous!) to try and get the medication to disperse, but damn, it hurt.

After about ten minutes, it stopped hurting, and then I felt pretty high. Like I might want to start making snowflakes with the picture of the sinuses on the walls so that I could glue them to my body.

I tried to look at something on my iPhone but the words melted together into a deliciously funny singing purple cat. I laughed at the purple cat. Silly kitty, didn’t he know that cats weren’t allowed at the doctors?

Just as I was batting at the bubbles that filled the room, a weird thing happened: my face began to itch. Then my chest. Then my arms. I scratched and scratched and scratched. It didn’t help. It did, however make me look like I’d been stuck in the roto-rooter.

Somehow, the nurse who came to cluck over my insanely low blood pressure didn’t notice my scratches.

But I was forced to sit there, scratching myself like a monkey as the doctors made sure that I streak naked around the clinic screaming about aliens and dingoes. I couldn’t, you see, I was too itchy. Also, where the bubbles that had appeared were once my friends, now they were horrible vile creatures that made me want to puke.

I laid on the cot peeling off layers of my epidermis trying not to vomit as the bubble-people attacked me.

Eventually, the Urgent Care doc deemed me fit to leave and was in the process of being wheeled out when I mumbled, “sorry I look so bad. I’m all itchy.”

With that, I was promptly wheeled right back in and was given a big ass dose of epinephrine and prednisone.

Stimulants.

(CNS) Depressants plus stimulants = a fucking nightmare. My heart raced, I openly wept and I tried not to vomit on myself.

Eventually, I was discharged and crawled into my bed.

The following morning, I made an appointment with a chiropractor.

If this doesn’t work, anyone know a good voodoo doctor?

(also: looking into a breast reduction. No, seriously, the doc thinks it could be my rack.)

————-

If you’ve entered the Pulling a The David Cook for Charity (and a year’s worth of Cold Stone), please go here and double check that your entry is up on the list. If it’s not, due to some error on my end, let me know so that I can add it before I do the drawing.

—————-

Over at Toy With Me, I wrote a letter to the bullied gay teens.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

89 Responses to Quit Playing Games With My Heart.

  • Um… wow. That sounds like Hell. Seriously. I think I would have put a gun to my head. I do not do well with pain, discomfort, or any kind of narcotic. I literally freak out. So, kudos to you for making it out the other side. Ack.

    You mentioned a chiropractor but have you tried Osteopathic Manipulation? Osteopaths are a mix between massage therapists and chiropractors but are qualified M.Ds and they’re excellent at curing migraines and/or addressing any other whole-body issues that may be affecting you and resulting in the migraines.

    I swear by Osteopaths. In fact, my primary care doctor is a D.O. (Doctor of Osteopathy) and he adjusts me every 2 weeks. Try it!

  • That has got to suck taking the much needed medicine only to find out your allergic to it. I have had major migraines and they usually la tme days even weeks. the dr prescribed me some headache medicine the last time i went and it seems to work wonders.like i still will hold off on the medicine for a while before i take it but when i do its like almost instantaneous relief. I have never had that medicine that you are talking about but i have had other very good pain meds and they seem to work as well. so sorry that it did not help did you check with your primary about a migraine medicine?

  • Karen says:

    massage, ok I know you don’t like it, but seriously just on the neck part. acupuncture, the kind where they send a small electric current through the needles, guaranteed to do the trick. I’ve had that twice and that’s what works. or you can get some killer muscle relaxants, but then when you stop taking them you’re screwed again and when you take them you just sit on the couch and drool all over yourself.

  • Holly B says:

    I hope its better today. The nurse should have picked up on that and monitored you for reactions…especially since you never had that particular drug before. It is a powerful one! The DH had to have THREE shots via IV of it a couple of years ago when his colon collapsed and before we knew what was going on. He doesnt remember anything after shot number 2.

  • Amy says:

    Oh Aunt Becks -migraine, head pain, drug allergies, itchy itchiness, scary hallucinations, reducing boobs, all bad bad stuff, there chickie. tres yuck. feel better soon. you managed to make it all sound hilarious, though. that’s why you get the mad props.

  • ThePeachy1 says:

    I am seriously doing something wrong. Even after ambulance rides the best I get is a benadryl/phenegren cocktail. I think the military docs save the good shit for themselves. I must admit I once had a very heightened experience with a gold tooth crocodile wearing a purple velvet pimp hat. But this was in the 80′s and was a result of grape kool aid fungi tea. Wait how do I make this anonymous? Good luck girl. Have you had an MRI lately?

  • Sam says:

    ZOMG! This reminds me of the time I learned, much to my horror, that Morphine was officially *not* my friend. I will blog about this at a later date, because really, I’m not sure the PTSD has abated – and I still hallucinate a TAD with Morphine’s dirty little helpers, Vicodin and Lortab. I hope you feel BETTER! HUGS! Because neck pain and the migraines are of the devil. Breast reduction is pretty sweet though, from what I hear. Personally, Mama’s getting implants, but I’ll still try to feel your pain. Metaphorically.

  • Karen says:

    All narcotics give me the face itchies. Even a simple percocet has me scratching my face. Hope you are feeling better.

  • Kristin says:

    I can’t even imagine that hell. I thought I went through major hell when I was suck on Valium and the Dr. wouldn’t answer the phone. I have a little thing called a Paradoxical effect with those lovely Anti Anxiety meds. They make me Crazy. But you go through hell. The first couple minutes at least sound like fun though.

  • Misty says:

    Aunt Becky, I have lived with Trigeminal Neuralgia for two years and since I am allergic to Morphine, Dilaudid is the only thing that barely takes the edge off. I used to get the migraine pain in my face everyday for a year and Dilaudid barely worked. (I’ve since had surgery and now only get these attacks once every few months). Anyway, I went to an acupuncturist regularly and I swear by it. I didn’t even believe in acupuncture beforehand but I was desperate. Also, there’s a great prescription medicine out there called Maxalt MLT that I used to take for migraines. http://www.maxalt.com/rizatriptan_benzoate/maxalt/consumer/index.jsp

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I have Maxalt which I take for my migraines and it works amazingly. I only wish that it worked for this kind of pain. This? Is helping. I cannot believe it. The PT has done nothing, but this has been amazing. WHO KNEW?

      • Rebecca says:

        I have no good advice but some crazy old wives tale that is something like rubbing vick’s on your forehead. I know that smelly stuff makes MY migraines worse, but who knows……the simple trick could either make you puke or cure you.

  • Oh, honey, I’m devastated for you. NOBODY should be allergic to Dilaudid, it makes the world go around.

    And also? Sorry about that whole ‘fuckballs of pain’ thing.

  • Melanie says:

    Dear lord, I can’t even imagine. Leave it to urgent care to not notice you ripping your skin off, that’s a bit mother trucking ridiculous. I once dated a chiropractor and it took me much longer to break it off than I should have because, well, obviously. I hope what you try next works, chronic pain is enough to drive you crazy and you have 3 kids and a house re-vamp on top of that. Sending good karma your way.

  • Paula says:

    I hope you’re feeling better soon! Morphine makes my husband throw up. He found this out after he had lung surgery. It feels great to have to throw up after having your ribs separated.

  • steph gas says:

    my migraines are nowhere NEAR that bad, but i have to jump on the acupuncture/acupressure bandwagon. after both of my car accidents (which involved a total of like five herniated disks, whiplash, and a broken foot along with new stressy headaches) acupuncture was great. the little electric stimulaty type of acupuncture was great for my back, but my acupuncturist asked about headaches, and i was like ‘yeah, i get stress headaches and sinus headaches’. she popped a few extra needles places and BOOM. i stopped getting sinus headaches within a couple of weeks, and my stress headaches went away.

    i don’t get sinus headaches anymore (but i now live in florida… that might have something to do with it) and i don’t *think* i get stress headaches. now it’s all migraines. le sigh. some insurance covers acupuncture now, too.

  • rys says:

    Muscular spasms are horrible. I’ve had back spasms and was to the point that the only way I could get around was to crawl on the floor. Total suckage. Does heat help? Like a hot bath? I know it’s not good drugs, but at least for temporary relief?

  • Oh, man. I’m sorry the dilaudid did you wrong. Dilaudid was my shiny, happy, bright spot in the gall bladder nightmare I endured a few years ago. I would *almost* go through all the crap again to get another shot of that stuff. I had nausea, too (which they gave me some… something for, which did not have an effect on the lovely, lovely high). I think I was a touch itchy, too, but not like what you were describing (but then again, most narcotics make me a little nauseated and itchy, but never enough that I would have gotten an epinephrine shot or anything).

    I’ve never been offered anything “good” for my migraines. I remember the first (and worst) migraine I ever had, going to the afterhours clinic, and having the shitty asshole doctor walk in and flip on the overhead lights, insist on speaking loudly to me, and then condescendingly tell me, “you know, you won’t get HIGH off the medication we give you for your migraine. So if that’s what you’re looking for, you should save yourself the shot.” Um, ASSHOLE, I’m just looking to NOT HAVE A FUCKING MIGRAINE ANYMORE. Even though I’m 19 (or was at the time), I’m not an addict looking to score. I’m here with my MOM, for fuck’s sake. Asshole.

    Anyway. Yeah. Sorry the migraine was bad enough for dilaudid and that the dilaudid didn’t serve you well.

  • I had a breast reduction when I was 19. I had horrible migrains and was having issues with my back, shoulders, and spine. They removed 4.5 pounds from each breast and I couldn’t be happier. My life is so much better without that extra weight.

  • karen says:

    hope you are feeling better soon. Poor Aunt Becky. And parenting with any headache, nevermind the mother of all migraines, is … well … it’s own special hell. Fell better.

  • andygirl says:

    I felt like I was reading Fear and Loathing. woman, that’s some craziness right there! sucks you’re allergic to The Good Shit.

    I get migraines too. they’re misery.

  • Gen says:

    I was also anti-acupuncture til I tried it. Could be worth a shot. But not a shot of Dilaudid. I’m confused though. Is it migraines? Neck pain? Or both? I also have the huge boobs, and though I’m never really pro surgery, I’ve know a few gals who had their boobs shrunk and were gleeful for YEARS afterwards. I can’t believe I just used the word gals.

  • a says:

    Ugh – that sounds awful. I hope the chiropractor is helping – although those science-based medicine guys say it’s all bullshit, all I know is that my joints feel much better when they finally pop. I don’t want to hear anything mystical, but I do want my back cracked. Feel better soon…

  • badbadwebbis says:

    I just got back from the chiropractor, because I’m one of those people too. ‘Oh, back hurts like it did before when the chiropractor fixed it? Well, you probably should whine about it for like 5 days before you do anything, and in that time your muscles will be as hard as rocks and the adjustment won’t work too well when you DO go in because the muscles have formed a wall that protects your spine.’

    So now I have a list of what NOT to do, exercises TO do, and descriptions of where I cannot sit (that would be anywhere that is actually comfortable).

    The chiropractor suggested, very gently, that if my back ever goes out again I should come in immediately.

  • I am so sorry to hear that you are through all that pain. *hugs*

  • Allison says:

    Holy Crapballs! I have a bad neck (also b/c of my rack thankyouverymuch) and GAWD when it hurts it’s miserable. My doctor gave me muscle relaxers to cut it off at the pass when it starts. Good luck!

  • That sounds like hell. Unfortunately, I don’t have any helpful remedies. Hope you feel better soon!

  • Tanya says:

    When I was about halfway through this post I mentally formulated my comment, it was going to be “Isn’t it awesome when the migraine finally goes away, that feeling of relief is like honey.” And then I read on and so now my comment is “Holy shit Aunt Becky. I’m so sorry”.

    I hope you get a great back crack’n, perky tits and no more headaches.

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    Damn Becky, you don’t do anything the easy way, do you? Seriously though, make sure you have a really good chiropractor (preferably one who specializes in FIXING the issue, not on short term relief). Hope you feel better soon.

  • Kelly says:

    When my husband broke his humerous, in his right arm while refereeing a football game, they gave him a shot of the Dilaudid. Supposedly, it’s one of the most painful bones that you can break. My husband also must have a really high tolerance for pain, and an extremely low tolerance to pain meds. Half a Vicoden makes him loopy. That shot of the Dilaudid, messed him up big time. Sweating, itching, shivering, throwing up, he was better off before they gave it to him. They should have given him an Advil.

    They should have given the Diladid to me instead. I was a mess, just being at the hospital, thinking about what that surgery was going to cost us.

    Hope you find a way to feel better soon.

  • Man, I know exactly what you mean about the Oregon Trail. One day it seems cool to eat the weakest member of the family, the next day there’s nobody to mow the lawn.

  • Bev says:

    Now that’s a bad trip! :( Sorry you had such a rough time of it. Hope you feel better pronto.

  • Betty M says:

    Oh poor you. Hope you get some relief soon.

  • I’m so sorry Aunt Becky! Personally, I’m a huge fan of the Dilaudid (from my Adventures in Pancreatitis), but family members have had reactions similar to yours. (We’re an accident-prone bunch, surprise!)

    Neck pain is the worst. Sorry that the physical therapy isn’t helping yet. I’ll wear some extra bling tomorrow with you in mind.

  • Wombat Central
    Twitter: wombatcentral
    says:

    Yay for non-invasive relief! Think of the perky boobs you’d have if you got a breast reduction. It’s like a legal excuse for a boob lift!

  • Mary says:

    When my migraines started up, the doctor ordered all kinds of test in case it was a brain tumor. One doctor noticed my blood pressure was 190/110 and said “Holy shit, no wonder you have migraines” or something like that. Back then imitrex was inhaled, it made me nauseous, so I was prescribed some capsule to deal with the nausea that I had to take anally. It would dissolve and leak out. Fun times. Now first sign of a headache, I take Excedrin Migraine, no matter what kind of headache it is.

    Headaches suck big time. Hope your migraine days are over for good.

  • I once had a reaction to ciprofloxin so bad I couldn’t tell the doc in training treating me what was wrong, so I literally scratched at his face and flailed around until he shouted for help because he was being attacked by the patient. The nurse took one look at me and rushed off shouting about epinephrine & allergic reactions & ‘dumbass student doctors’ & soon everything was fine again. I now write “ITCHES” on something whenever they are about to give me a new drug, so I can wave it around if necessary.

  • Liza says:

    Whoa. Have you thought about calling Dustin Hoffman? If he can deal with an Outbreak, he can sure deal with you.

    And now I feel itchy….

    Here’s hoping that headache goes away.

  • Damn, Aunt Becky, that must be one hell of a rack ya got there! Seriously, being allergic to The Good Shit sucks ass. Hope you feel better soon!!!

  • pattypunker says:

    awwwww poor baby. there’s nothing worse than that nauseated feeling or the bad itching, or neck pain. (((hugs))) hope you get something that works without the horrible side effects. and if you get the purple kitty and happy bubbles from it, please let me know what it is.

  • Robin says:

    I love how observant these “medical professionals” are. That sucks that Diludid made you itch from the inside out. That drug happens to be one of the few pain meds that I can take, but I have to have a Zofran chaser so I don’t start projectile vomiting my stomache bile everywhere. Fun times. Sorry to hear about your extra large cans, I have the opposite problem. If you could overnight fed ex whatever you don’t want to me I would wicked appreciate it. Otherwise I have to shell out close to $10,000 to get a cup size that doesn’t contain the same letters as your tv remote . Yes there is such a thing as AA, and it’s special order from Vickie’s secret, and not the “good” kind of special order. FML.

  • Melissa says:

    I have all that without the big boobies. No chiropractor for me though, because I have 5 herniated discs in my neck, pointing towards the spinal cord, they wont even look in my direction. I find that the migaines are causitive to the spasms because you get so tense when you get them. At least thats the way it works for me. Feel better sister!

  • Kathy says:

    Seriously, don’t you remember me talking to you about this like, a year ago?!?! Git thee to an Osteopath or Chiropractor and Massage Therapist duo….for serious.

    And say hi to your purple kitty.

  • I’ve permanently fucked up my right shoulder after face painting literally, 100K faces over 30 years. The only thing that would give even temporary relief was those big ass shots of cortisone, straight into the bursa. The doc puts the needle in then actually moves it around until you scream. Then they say, “That’s the spot.”, and push the drugs that must be the consistency of Karo syrup. After dealing with those for years, I finally did find an acupuncturist. It was the best decision I’ve ever made. The best practitioners I’ve found actually trained in China. An MD doesn’t necessarily make for the best acupuncturist. Ask for referrals and go to a different one if the first one doesn’t work for you. I’d start looking for one before you need them. Good luck kiddo.

  • c8h10n4o2 says:

    I get some serious muscle spasms and full trigger point lockups in the lower back/hip region that lead to full-blown sciatica. I just got a TENS unit from Amazon for ca. $30 (they have REALLY come down all of a sudden) and it is saving my life. It sends high frequency electrical stimulation to the nerves to short-circuit pain signals to the brain. The unit is portable, so it’s different than the days when I had to go to PT and be hooked up, bored, on a table for TENS treatment.

  • mumma boo says:

    Oh, honey, that’s just awful! I really hope you’ve been able to get some relief from the chiropractor. My dad swore by his portable TENS unit – it was the only thing that brought relief to his back.

  • Hockeymandad says:

    So many glorious visuals, how can I than you enough for the entertainment?

    Hope you feel better soon though, seriously.

  • Martina says:

    Ack … sorry you’re feeling so awful. Hope you feel better soon!

  • Jessica says:

    Hi! Let’s be blunt: I truly have no idea what is going on over here…something about a medication I cannot pronounce and ice cream…sounds awesome…I just moved…well, me plus family…to Denver…and now that all that jazziness is done, I had a second to stop in and say hi. So, hi! Miss you!

  • Kate says:

    I hear Botox has just been approved by the FDA for treating Migraines.

  • Chopper Papa says:

    Yeah, after that whole deal, you may want to rethink the “not much of a drinker” thing. A couple of Redbull and Jaeger’s would have fixed that shit right up.

  • Roccie says:

    I think that is the shit that killed our boy Chris Farley. No more speedballs for you Aunt Becky.

  • I find the chiropractor very helpful for my neck issues. Once you get started, you will actually feel when you are out of adjustment.

  • john'smom says:

    You are a pro Aunt Becky, I laughed at your post in spite of feeling your pain and now I am seriously itchy… But more to the point: Migraines suck and migraines with muscle spasms really bite! I can’t even imagine being allergic to that which is supposed to bring you sweet relief from pain -and a little extra legal high! There was a time when I loved the demerol and saved my extra lortabs from some surgical procedures for ‘my grains’ – when I had those in the medicine cabinet I wished for my grains because I so enjoyed kicking their asses with my good drugs. Since those good times are in my past, I have read the pranksters’ comments and will apply their good advice the next time I feel the need to lop off about half of my noggin with the rusty hatchet in the garage… glad to hear the chiropractor is helping… keep us posted

  • Dr. Cynicism says:

    Thank you so much for taking me on a flashback to my college days. Great post!

  • Veronica says:

    I’ve been lucky enough to miss the whole bubble people fiasco, but the drugs I was given post partum made me think I was laying on a boat instead of the bed.

    The antid’s I was given to help me sleep made me stoned, I spent 2 days sitting on the couch giggling. Nice effect, but not so great for actual parenting.

  • flutter says:

    acupuncture is delicious. it makes me feel floating and marshmallowy and totally NOT a bitch.

  • Andra says:

    Wow. I have had exactly one migraine in my entire life (14810 days-I am refusing to say how many years…. I am protesting the term years…. It makes feel feel old.) And that was enough for me. I cannot imagine having that kind of pain on a more regular basis…

    I have not had the blessings of The Drugs. I never get anything good :(. I did discover a fun allergic reaction to Raid, that does cause anaphylactic shock-Yay me. The last time I went to the ER, my Dr. had to sit on the floor, he was laughing his ass off…. I had welt issues apparently.. Good thing it was reg Dr., cause I had no problem smacking him on the arm…. So, I do get the issues with Epinephrine. But, not the rest.. Maybe I can fall… break something… I am not known for being graceful….Cause it sounds divine….

    Hope that you get it all straightened out (pun intended-you can smack me when you are feeling better!) soon. And never have to deal with it again.. i might have had a delusional moment….. Its the old thing……

  • Dude, that SUCKS!!! Listen there is the little gadget that I have that is great for your neck and back. You lay on it for 5 minutes a day and it feels weird at first but after a while you CRAVE it. I know it sounds crazy but my freakin’ husband loves it and he hates EVERYTHING.

    http://www.qvc.com/qic/qvcapp.aspx/view.2/app.detail/params.item.A95811.desc.BackMagic-Plus-Adjustable-Stretching-Device

    Dude, it’s under $20 and won’t make you want to claw your skin off…although you won’t see purple pussy’s either but whatever…check it out.
    By the way, you know this is legit because I rarely promote anything without getting paid.

  • Bird Flu says:

    I feel for you. Even Lortab makes my face itch, but they gave me Duramorph in my epidural right before they pulled it (with the last two kiddos) and I couldn’t stop scratching to save my life! They were all, “do you want some benadryl?” And I was like, “oh yeah, sure. so I can pass out holding my newborn and drop him.” Me and benadryl don’t jive–Instant Coma-land. I was lucky though, my itching went away as the drugs wore off. Then I got to focus on the incisional pain, lol.

  • Well that just sucks big fat donkey dick! I am soooo sorry, because as a migraine sufferer (and owner of a gigantic rack) myself, I know how absolutely awful a migraine bender can be. I hope you find a solution soon; be it osteopathy, voodoo or otherwise. We heart you very much & just want to see you feeling good again.

  • Phil_E_Girl says:

    JUST SAY NO B.!
    Did you ever think being on your computer so much might be contributing to your pain? -Just sayin’

  • MamaC says:

    I’m sorry. All I saw was “Oregon Trail”.

  • AB-

    GET A BREAST REDUCTION. Not kidding. I’m 28 (29 in 2 weeks) and when I was 18 I underwent the procedure. There were major complications, bouts of pain, and scars that are still visible. ALL of this and I’d still do it 100 times over. Best thing I ever did. Besides making my migraines and aches disappear like magic, it made me look skinnier and clothes fit in a less TENT-like fashion. Anyways, just sending you words of love and encouragement from a girl who had to find her inner lionheart to do it as a teen and thanks that courageous inner-leah every.single.day. GOOD LUCK. If you have any questions about the outcome, cost, recovery, etc…I’d love to help, email me. Cheers!

    signed,
    Formerly a DD

  • Jennifer B says:

    Dude. I totally feel your pain. Not only have I had crippling back spasms that literally hunched me over and sent me to the ER (thank you for rescuing me valium & muscle relaxers!), but I once went to the ER for 4 days of horrible vomiting/diarrhea flu – I know, TMI but we’re like friends and shit. I only went to the ER because I thought I was going to die. I left feeling worse. The damn IV med they gave me was Inapsine, some form of Compazine, which is supposed to take away the nausea. Yeah, snort. Not so much. I had some kind of reaction to it where my tongue felt swollen and I couldn’t speak and all the muscles in my body tensed up and I couldn’t move. I tried to tell my friend at the time what was happening but all I could do was cry and say “maah fmfff if ffmfff”, so she frantically calls for help. As the medical personnel busily go about their business. One doc walks by and goes, “hey, she’s having a reaction, someone get her some Benadryl.” Yeah, fucking awesome. Completely cured me of ever wanting to go to the ER again. Unless I’m unconscious or literally dying, you won’t catch me there. I hope you feel better though. I’m wary of chiropractors, but I really love massage, so I would have no problem forking over loads of cash (that I don’t really have) if I needed it. Massage = heaven. And yeah, sitting at the computer too much totally causes these spasms. I’m sure the huge rack doesn’t help, though I never had that problem.

  • Joanna says:

    Don’t know if anyone mentioned it (too many fanboyz writing you comments to read them all!), but you could also try deep tissue massage. Made a world of difference to my mom after she fell and hurt her back. Nothing else (pain meds, chiropracter, etc) could touch the pain, but that massage ended it in a few eeks. SHe goes every two months know just for funsies.

    Also, breast reductions helped 2 of my friends lead normal lives after years of pain, physical and emotional, linked to having ginormous racks. It’s well worth looking into.

  • Pey's Mom says:

    If i had not just ripped a muscle in my shoulder / had the nice big needle of pain meds in my ass / and then vomited all down the side of the car on the way home I seriously would not be laughing so hard. Massage GOOD – manual manipulation of the spasm (for me because of the rip) BAD…..

  • April K. says:

    Holy fuck – your Urgent Care clinics give out Dilaudid? Dude…our ER docs don’t even dole that shit out very often. Anyhow…my husband had a horrible spasm in his back once that didn’t respond to ANYTHING and his dr finally gave him a shot of valium and morphine right into the muscle. It relaxed it enough for all the other shit that they wanted him to do to actually work. After about 2 weeks he was all good. Sorry you’re in pain… :(

  • Tricia says:

    Becks, I’m a day late reading this (sorry!) and don’t have time to read through every comment already posted (double sorry!) so forgive me if this has already been said. One word: botox. Worked for me, and it’s the ONLY thing that did…not chiro, not PT, not drugs, not even an occipital nerve block. And, glory hallelujah, insurance covered it! They shoot you up in the shoulders, neck, and (in my case) base of the skull and the pain disappears!! For anyone who thinks needles in the neck sound horrible – trust me, it’s nothing compared to the constant migraine pain. Good luck sweetie – hope you find relief soon.

  • amber says:

    oooh I got that dilaudid (or however you spell it) last winter when my ovaries were trying to kill me. I got only mildly itchy and floated on giant pink fluffy clouds for a good long while.

    That sounds nice right now…but I’m sure the experience would be much more like yours the second time around.

  • daisybv2 says:

    Yeah I used to use a Chrio for my mirgranes. It worked pretty good. I am sorry you went though all that yo.. feel better and thanks for the blog header that song is in my head now :)

  • Mariposita_Obsidiana says:

    Welcome to the “I’m Allergic to Dillaudid” club. After about the fifth time of being injected with it (I had gallstones, and no one believed me, until I came into the E.R. nearly dead one morning, and they did emergency surgery to remove my gallbladder, only to discover that it was full-to-bursting with gallstones and gangrene; but it was “all in my head”…right), and feeling like the pain it was supposed to be helping was instead being ripped through my veins from head to toe, I said something to the nurse, and she told me I was allergic. Yeah…

    So it’s morphine and phenergan for me! And oxycodone.

  • charity says:

    chiropractors are full of the stupid. find yourself a good physical therapist.

  • Opto-Mom says:

    Oooh, they gave my husband Dilaudid after he shattered his heel (which apparently hurts like a bitch, because the nurse was scrubbing and cleaning the burns on his arm with a hard-bristled brush and he said he didn’t even feel it because of his “fucking foot.”) He was just silly on that stuff! The nurse would ask me questions to get his forms filled out (medical history, address, that kind of stuff) and he kept sitting straight up out of a dead sleep saying, “I can answer my own damn questions!” Then he would pass out again. He also told the nurse, “Hit the bricks, baby!” I was embarrassed as shit. She was awesome though, and just smiled knowingly.

  • Opto-Mom says:

    Oh, and I hope you feel better REALLY soon! It hurts the Pranksters when Aunt Becky is in pain! I need a breast reduction too, so let me know if your surgeon offers a two-for-one plan.

  • GingerB says:

    Honey, you can’t get it until you don’t have to pick up your kids. Doesn’t Amelia make you pick her up, oh, say, to get in the car and what not? We just can’t do it yet. I’d also like to lose 60 pounds first, but I’m getting a reduction as soon as my kids need less fetching and carrying because seriously, I am tired of either pain or a million drugs for my fused neck (thank you biayatch who t-boned me – not the kind of boning I wanted) an actually the PT does help, as does Jazzercise but it is a long fucking road. Love acupuncture.

  • shesaid says:

    I’ve tried the breast reduction….didn’t work. I recommend the chiropractor. I’ve tried a few and once I found a good one, I had no more visits to doctors that don’t know what to do but won’t say so.

  • Dora says:

    Behind on my reading. Just catching up. Ugh! What a nightmare. I’ve had those neck spasm migraines. Valium is the only thing that works for me. Once it’s eased up, the chiro can keep them at bay.

    Re a boob job, if they’re causing such pain, insurance should cover it. My chiro says he doesn’t anticipate any problem for me to get a reduction covered. But can you wait until I wean Sunshine? It would be so cool for us to get boob jobs together and knock back the pain meds together. Then … sweater shopping!

  • Suzy Voices says:

    Jumping on the breast reduction wagon here! I had one a year ago and I love it!!!! Insurance paid for the whole thing too, which makes me love it even more. My boobies are nice and perky now. No more saggy granny bags.

    I’m going to a healing seminar this weekend in your area! So, once I complete my training, I’ll be able to fix you right up.

  • MidwestMusings says:

    Hi Aunt Becky,

    I am SO sorry about the itching reaction you had! YUCK!
    Once when I was on vacation I hurt my back. In all my wisdom I decided to wait and let it “work itself out”. Ummm, yeah. That didn’t work so well. Two days later, my right leg was numb from the waist down and I was dragging it around like a drunken sailor.
    So off to a local ER (in reality a backwoods place in the middle of nowhere no bigger than my local Walgreens). Oh, but lest I judge to quickly, the doctor there had Dilaudin. I had never had it before and was warned it would sting. Like you, I wanted to say I DONT CARE IF IT STARTS MY ASS ON FIRE IF IT RELIEVES THIS PAIN GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
    They gave me the shot and I didn’t feel anything. What happens afterward is legend among our group of friends.
    The Dr gives the friend who drove me the directions to the pharmacy for pain meds while I giggle, watch the picture on the wall move, and seeing clouds on the ceiling of the room (still not sure if there were actual clouds painted on the ceiling or not). Five minutes later my friend is walking me through the waiting room to leave when I decide to announce at the top of my lungs “OOOH BABY MY BUTT SURE DOES STING!” My humiliated but giggling friend decides to leave me in the care of the nurse and go get the car who then pours me, I mean helps me into the car. I then passed out.
    Apparently when we got to the pharmacy my friend saw that I was useless, umm I mean resting, so she went in to get my meds. She came back out to the car because she was unsure of my birth year. She asked me and I apparently opened my eyes, looked very confused, said I had no freakin’ idea and passed out again. She took my purse in and used my ID to determine my birth year.
    She then drove us back to our cabin while I occassionally gave her some bit of wisdom from some dark place in my mind. Then my husband and her hubby carried my limp as a noodle body into our bed. After 16 hours of sleep I felt so much better and decided Dilaudin was my best friend. Still haven’t lived that situation down :)
    I’m sorry my friend, Dilaudin, treated you so poorly. I will have a stern talking to with him if we should meet again :)

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