Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Quick Now, Before He Realizes I’m Gone


For some reason, I suppose as my special comeuppance for becoming an older and somehow unwiser–now 28 year old!– birthday girl, Alex has turned this week into The Week Where I See What Teenage Years Have In Store For Me. In short, he’s turned into quite a whiny, demanding and possibly possessed baby.

A possibly possessed baby who tantrums when the world does not do precisely what he expects it to. He’s turned from a laid-back (okay, that’s a lie. Complete lie) dude into a high maintenance diva, kinda like Paris Hilton. Actually, she’s probably kinder.

What makes it all the more interesting and hair-greying is that he does it all without actually using real English words. Maybe he’s tapping into his past life and speaking The Old Language (perhaps Swahili?) or maybe he’s just channeling The Devil himself, but I can’t understand a fucking thing he’s saying.

Yet without the benefit of a Devil->English dictionary I’m expected to not only understand what he’s demanding, but get my ass in gear and GET IT FOR HIM, Mom, you ignorant slut! And it better be damn right the first time!

It pretty much means that my days are now spent listening to a wee tot scream at me for hours on end. My nerves, if they weren’t frayed enough to begin with, are beginning to look like they’re leaking out of my ears. Charming. Quite a charming look.

Think I’m exaggerating? It’s now 11:13 here, he’s been up since 9:45 and this is what I’ve been tantrumed about so far:

*Not turning to the right page in a book (incidentally, not the NEXT page in the book)

*Not going outside right now, where the wasps roam freely, looking perhaps, to eat me alive (no, I’m allergic. So much so that I need to call 911 if I get stung. Which is really not what I want to do, because how embarrassing is that?)

*Not giving him the proper piece of my waffle, even though I was kindly sharing AFTER he’d had his own breakfast.

*A beach ball not doing what he wanted it to do (which is? I don’t know)

*My audacity to use the bathroom at such an inappropriate time as ever.

*My refusal to open a bottle of pricey vanilla extract for him to play with.
It’s a good damned thing that he’s singularly one of the most hilarious people I’ve ever met, or I might start threatening to sell him to the gypsies. Or get him an exorcism. Whatever works, right?

posted under The Sausage Factory
42 Comments to

“Quick Now, Before He Realizes I’m Gone”

  1. On July 17th, 2008 at 11:29 am DOC Says:

    Oooh Ooooh give him the vanilla extract! A few slugs of that and he won’t tantrum fro a while !!!

  2. On July 17th, 2008 at 11:33 am Badass Geek Says:

    My wife does the same thing, when she wants a certian french fry from my plate. I play hide and seek with all the fries, until I land on the one she wants.

    Because it’s much more fun that simply telling me which one she wants.

    Maybe I should sell her to the gypsies, too.

  3. On July 17th, 2008 at 11:34 am Mrs.Spit Says:

    I’m with Doc, there’s alcohol in there. Give him a slug. . .

  4. On July 17th, 2008 at 11:55 am Jenn Says:

    I’ll take him but I’m not going to pay for him. 🙂
    Just ship him out here for a week or so. He and Boo can get together and plot how to take over the world (and give their mothers heart attacks in the process) while you get a (much-needed, I gather!) break.

  5. On July 17th, 2008 at 11:57 am SciFi Dad Says:

    I can’t believe you won’t let him run around with wasps covered in waffle syrup and vanilla extract! What kind of tormenting parent are you?

    Now, where the number for children’s services?

  6. On July 17th, 2008 at 12:15 pm Kristen Says:

    I feel for you.
    My Monkey boy was exactly like that. My thinking was that he hated being a baby. Before each milestone he reached there were weeks of screaming fits for no apparent reason, or ridiculous reasons. Right from birth. Once he hit 3, life was so much easier, he could do big boy stuff and make himself understood regularly. He is still a bit fussy and has mini-tantrums over little stuff, but all in all he is much happier.
    I say pray. lots. for sanity and maybe some temporary hearing loss to get through the next year or so.

  7. On July 17th, 2008 at 12:25 pm Marie Says:

    Is it pure vanilla extract? You may want to let him have a swig…just kidding. Well, you could give him a small one.

  8. On July 17th, 2008 at 12:27 pm kbreints Says:

    Is it possible to have twins from two seperate mothers? Serously, this is my child. It is bad– but I am glad to hand him over to daycare in the morning sometimes!

  9. On July 17th, 2008 at 12:27 pm DOC Says:

    Your young ‘en could start his own blog called “Son wants Vanilla Extract”

  10. On July 17th, 2008 at 12:32 pm Five Husbands Says:

    This is pure Aunt Becky GOLD – internets get her a book deal now before she surpasses Dooce’s popularity.

    Oh and as a snide aside – I am home alone, twiddling my thumbs, eating bons bons, being Queen of My Own Domain because my baby is out for the entire day at a rock concert!!!

    Nah nah nah nah nah.

  11. On July 17th, 2008 at 12:50 pm swirl girl Says:

    You could give him a shot of Bailey’s Irish Cream….vanilla is too expensive .

  12. On July 17th, 2008 at 12:55 pm andria Says:

    YOu lost me at he’s been up since 9:45.

    9:45? That’s afternoon for us. Lordy, mine have been up since 5:45.

  13. On July 17th, 2008 at 12:59 pm g Says:

    I can’t believe you didn’t get a hall pass from him to use the bathroom. Horrible (pregnant) mother, hold it!

  14. On July 17th, 2008 at 1:14 pm Kyddryn Says:

    Benadryl. Nyquil. Dramamine. Brandy. Mix one or more with juice, pour over ice, and feed either to child or self.

    While I know I’m inviting a shitstorm of epic proportions by admitting this, I will offer this bit of information – I actually did give the Evil Genius a shot of Benedryl on several occasions when he was being a complete ass, wouldn’t sleep, and generally made me question whether I wanted to keep the horrible changeling child or leave it in the woods for the Fay to bring home.

    Hang in there, darlin’ – eventually, I’m told, they grow up, move out, and only have tantrums twice weekly!

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  15. On July 17th, 2008 at 1:41 pm Brooke Says:

    Please let me know if you find a Devil-> English Dictionary. I could have used one last weekend, and I’m sure again in the very near future!

  16. On July 17th, 2008 at 1:46 pm Kristine Says:

    I often have the audacity to try and hand Landon a piece of cheese. I know, it’s cruel and unusual punishment and I should totally be shot, I mean how dare I offer him cheese. I hear about it for at least the next 15 minutes until I do something else equally egregious like opening the fridge.

    I’m glad to hear I’m not alone.

  17. On July 17th, 2008 at 2:01 pm Sara Says:

    It’s the full moon. I agree on the Benedryl. Should cure his allergy to being normal! (I mean, you wouldn’t want people to think you were drugging your child just because he’s channeling Damien today!)

  18. On July 17th, 2008 at 2:13 pm Susan Says:

    I’m a strong proponent of the vanilla extract or Benadryl cocktail. This kid is getting ready to accomplish something new. Weird, (and fucking irritating), how they regress before they progress. Jagerbombs for dinner!!

  19. On July 17th, 2008 at 2:25 pm sara Says:

    My vote is that he must be speaking swahili – I think that makes the most sense. But maybe that’s because I speak that language myself, LOL! (yeah right!)

  20. On July 17th, 2008 at 2:28 pm Mumma Boo Says:

    Oh, yes, when you get that Devil->English dictionary, I want a copy. You are not alone. Cenzo tore me a new one this afternoon for not giving him a chick pea. For jeezum’s sake, he’s not yet two. He shouldn’t even know what a chick pea is, let alone demand one at top decibel level. Oh, and grape-flavored Tylenol works, too…

  21. On July 17th, 2008 at 2:48 pm Victoria Says:

    LOL @ Doc’s comment!

  22. On July 17th, 2008 at 2:52 pm Heather Says:

    Beans has taken to madly shaking not just her head, but her WHOLE body to indicate NO! FOOL! at me all the damn time. “NO! I will not nap! NO! Not *that* cracker! NO! You will not change my nuclear-waste-filled-pants, MORON!” I took a packet of sealed tic tacs away from her today because she was trying to use one of her 4000 teeth to break it open, and dear God, it was like the apocolypse. The MAN and I just stared in abject horror and ran for cover.

  23. On July 17th, 2008 at 3:56 pm Lola Says:

    Every six months, they all freak-the-fuck out for the first few years of life. Then it gets better, then it gets worse. I’ve been told they’re bearable and pretty level — and this is for boys only — from eight to eleven. I’ve got five months to go before I hit that supposed relief for a few years. Then it’s teen tantrums. Can’t wait!

  24. On July 17th, 2008 at 4:00 pm mandy Says:

    5:45AM?! Did you hear that?? Aunt Becky, I don’t know about you but I think I had better get on my knees and start thanking the good Lord I wasn’t up that early!

    Maybe yours has an ear infection?

  25. On July 17th, 2008 at 4:18 pm birdpress Says:

    Can you crate him? Give him a Kong? Hmm, obviously my child training skills have yet to begin…

  26. On July 17th, 2008 at 4:35 pm heather Says:

    No kidding! 9:45? You no longer have my sympathies, you lucky girl. And why IS vanilla so flipping expensive? =P

  27. On July 17th, 2008 at 6:38 pm Maria Says:

    I almost left mine in Orlando last weekend when he screamed so loudly at the table we had to practically run out of a restaurant. He was screaming about the lack of variety in coloring book sheets offered by the fine establishment.

    -_- Dude.

  28. On July 17th, 2008 at 9:04 pm Kristine Says:

    Because I love you….head on over to my blog for a little surprise.

  29. On July 17th, 2008 at 9:13 pm Heather P. Says:

    I was going to suggest full moon fever as well. LOL!!
    Could he be teething? I mention it because it always made Paddycake extra cranky. Benadryl became a lifesaver at that point for me.

  30. On July 17th, 2008 at 9:33 pm Shay Says:

    See I’d banished all memory of this stuff and now you’re just going and bringing it all back. like bad bad flashbacks arrgh!!!

    My mom tells me that’s why God makes ’em so darn cute!

    She also says helpful things like, “the first hundred years are the hardest” and, “ha ha ha. You were exactly like this.” So helpful mom!

    Good luck!

  31. On July 17th, 2008 at 9:34 pm Shay Says:

    oh and … activities. that’s my suggestion. Not that you feel like dragging him out to stuff but it was the only way I could keep my oldest from blowing a gasket. He needed to swim, run, play and be out of the house. Phew. I’m glad those days are over….sorry that just slipped out and I know it’s not helpful 😉

  32. On July 17th, 2008 at 10:56 pm Kymberli Says:

    Are you here? Are you writing about my Kaelyn? You might as well be.

  33. On July 18th, 2008 at 1:59 am Christine Says:

    I just wanted to thank you for the swig of vodka I had tonight at the People’s Party. I got there after the bar turned cash, and along came Backpacking Dad with your loverly bottle.


  34. On July 18th, 2008 at 2:12 am baseballmom Says:

    Holy shit–I think our Alexes are one in the same…mine is exactly like that, although at six, I can understand what he wants…but I still piss him off, because I can’t ever do anything to his specifications. Dumb mommy. If people tell me he’s cute, I tell them there’s a reason for that…I think it’s that he’d be dead if he wasn’t! Oh, and ‘devil-english dictionary’…hahahahahahahahahahaha! Love it.

  35. On July 18th, 2008 at 10:23 am Edward Says:

    Isn’t it days like this that you wonder why humans even desire to reproduce? Do you ever ask youself….now why exactly did I want this child lol! O.k. maybe I’m the only one that does that. I know somewhere in my head somewhere the answers is there but on days like this…..well all I can think is “pay yurself on the back, you didnt beat the kid.”

    I hope your possesed little darling of a child has a better day soon and gets passed this stage.

    Oh, oh, oh…..when you were describing the day the first thing i thought was autism….oh wait that was my child not yours….that is what autism was like for oh the first 6 years of our 2nd son’s life. Yeah…from day one to days ….well still now… but he actually talks and he is a teenage on top of it so it really sucks. NOw I know your kid does not have autism but just imagine…..a lifetime more of this behavior. It could be worse my dear. Did that make you feel any better lol! I didn’t thinks so but it was worth a try.

  36. On July 18th, 2008 at 12:27 pm Coco Says:

    I have a Devil -> English dictionary you can borrow.

    Bean has shrieked in Devil for quite some time, and I am now fluent enough that I can generally interpret and respond.

    Hang in, baby.

  37. On July 18th, 2008 at 1:43 pm Vered Says:

    “The Week Where I See What Teenage Years Have In Store For Me. ”

    My youngest is 6, and this “week” has been going on for a couple of months now.

    She’s lucky she’s so cute. 🙂

  38. On July 18th, 2008 at 2:43 pm A Soldier's Girl Says:

    Awww…and just think, you have this to look forward to all over again!

    I feel sorry for his future wife, can you imagine the hell he is gonna give her? 🙂

  39. On July 18th, 2008 at 2:49 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    My boy is now almost two and a half and still he screams when things don’t go his way. Often instead of talking. Wish I had advice, but since neither one of us can imbibe these days, I got nothin.

  40. On July 18th, 2008 at 3:26 pm excavator Says:

    Devil-to-English translation: “You can’t win (please me) so don’t even try–and for that I’m going to punish you!”

    Oh, the irrationality. These are the days when we SO need them to nap. (Those were the days when I would KILL to protect the conditions he needed to let down and drop off. An inopportune phone call at just the wrong moment, a knock on the door, or my mother-in-law standing just outside the car window in full view of his sleeping self, yet speaking in a fully loud voice (and no, he never DID drop back to sleep after all that and cried all the way to the beach, thanks-a-lot) and there goes my much-needed peace of mind. Then he’s tired and cranky because he’s tired and cranky.

    Some days I needed ONE of us to be medicated. You have my full empathy going through this right now while in the throes of early pregnancy. When you can’t even have a session of marguerita therapy–damn!

  41. On July 22nd, 2008 at 8:25 am megan Says:

    I just found your blog and am trying really hard not to pee my pants from laughing so hard. It’s hard for me to believe that my child isn’t the only one that sounds like the Devil sometimes. But I am glad to hear that I’m not the only horrible mommy out there. My lovely tot had a five alarm freak out yesterday morning when I shut the door to the bathroom. What an idiot I was to think I could actually have some privacy in there. Two minutes to myself is just out of the question! And quite frequently lately ONLY mommy can change his diaper or put on his pajamas or feed him or give him a drink or look at him. If dad even tries any of that we are all very sorry indeed.
    Congrats on the book. Looking forward to peeking at the essays…

  42. On July 23rd, 2008 at 1:38 pm Lisa Says:

    This is exactly why some animals eat their young.

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