Now I love teenagers, which makes me in the shallow minority of adults. I find them endlessly amusing probably in no small part because I share the same emotional range and maturity level as they do. I’m just older, so it’s more pathetic. I’m not a freak, though, so I don’t like hang around used record stores trying to relive my Glory Days and buy smokes for 16-year-olds in the vain attempt that I might “be the COOL adult” now because THAT is just sad.

Nah, I just like ’em. Much more, I should add, than I do most other age brackets, up to and including preteens.

Preteens, however, I’m convinced, rule the fucking world.

Case and point. On Twitter, for the three of you blissfully without an account, for like 4 weeks or 6 years, Justin Beaver was a trending topic. Trending topics are SUPPOSED to be things like “Oil Spill” or “Britney Spears Crotch,” you know, RELEVANT things, but instead, we had the preteens of the world automating twitter with “JUSTIN BEAVER” over and over again so that he remained a trending topic day after motherfucking day.

Twitter, God BLESS them, finally pulled the plug and refused to let his foppy hair-cutted ass trend any longer. Because really, unless someone assassinates him or proves that he does, indeed have a beaver (neither of which I am advocating), it’s not fucking national news.

So Twitter, this is Your Aunt Becky humping your leg for doing that AND removing #sponsored tweets. If you live under a rock and don’t know what those are, I applaud you because those make me Furious George.


Last night was the esteemed Glee Live tour. I won’t go as far as to say that I’m a “Gleek” because that’s a fucking DUMBASS name, but I love that show. Hard. Yeah, okay, it’s contrived and silly and a little soft, but you know what? IT’S COTTON CANDY. It serves no purpose other than to be there and make you happy. In a world where we very well may need to buy a large area rug to cover up the oil spill in the Gulf, maybe we can use some fluff.

I expected that the theatre would have some teenagers in it. And probably some awesomely gay men. What I did NOT expect was that the theatre would be packed wall-to-wall with screaming hoards of preteens bursting with irritating noise and energy.

Had I not been dying of the Flu Made Who and unable to stand for more than .2 seconds at a time, I would have found their exuberance merely funny rather than exhausting, but as it was, every time ANYTHING happened, they SHRIEKED. I couldn’t muster a single WORD without it making me tear up in pain and they were flaunting the use of their perfect vocal chords RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

Had I had a cane, I would have swatted them with it.

They’re all clearly robots because NO ONE has that kind of energy without being high as a kite, insane in the membrane, or artificial intelligence. The amount of money and time put into their elaborately made “GLEE shirts” illustrate to me that they are clearly decepticons from the future, sent to destroy humanity, one decibel at a time.

The show, however, was worth the shrieks. I didn’t take pictures because really, it was kind of pointless because they were all DANCING and MOVING and shit, but I’m telling you this: if you like the show and you can somehow score tickets the next time they go on tour (which, they will because FOX will bleed those kids for every cent they can possibly make) DO IT.

You may be killed by decepticons posing as awkward preteens, but at least you’ll go out whistling “Sweet Caroline.”

75 thoughts on “Preteens Are Decepticons From The Future

  1. I love Glee and teenagers, too. And I pretty much loathe the preteen years. Shrieking preteens make me want to slap the crap out of them.

    The Portland tickets are sold out, so I’ve been watching the live show via YouTube. I LOVE watching the Glee rendition of “Bad Romance”.

    Oh, and I’m one of the 3 who aren’t on Twitter. I don’t have a cell phone (just a Trac Fone), either. Can I still pretend I’m cool?

  2. I love teenagers, glee and twitter. Pre-teens, however, make my ass twitch. Same scary demographic voted in Lee DeWyze on idol last night.

    1. I love Lee because he lives like 20 minutes from my house, but Crystal earned that title. LUCKILY, her ass isn’t in a sling to make the perfect album now by Fox executives AND she now has a platform. She’ll be snapped up in a hot minute by a record label.

  3. i LOVE cotton candy! and i LOVE teenagers! (yeah, we’re in the minority, but who cares, we’re obviously special)…..pre-teens should be locked up or at least vaccinated and muzzled………

      1. ha ha ha….i think that’s the purpose of middle school/junior high….it’s a legal way to lock up those little hormone crazed

        1. shit…i hit post…..i meant to say— a legal system to lock up the little hormone crazed bodies, contaim them, at least for part of the day. i taught junior high and high school and high school is 100 times easier. (why do all 11-12 yr old girls shriek—all the time??)

  4. Dude, I taught junior high. I so get this. (opperative word being taught, past tense).

    Hey, I am back on Twitter. I knew I would learn to love it, 3rd timebeing a charm and all. Your tweets crack me up!!

    Hope you are feeling better soon!

  5. I too love teenagers. I, on the other hand, can not STAND pre-teens and have the urge to grab a spork when around them for longer than 10 minutes. However, you are on my list right now for even being ABLE to go to the Glee Live show as that is something I contemplated driving to Chicago for!

  6. I am one of the three. I’m sometimes ashamed to admit it. I don’t have a cellphone either though.

    Really, I’m almost prehistoric.

  7. I’ve yet to get involved with Glee, but I know it’s inevitable. When I do finally cave, I’m positive that’ll I’ll regress about 16 years – but hopefully my vocal chords can’t hit those falsettos anymore.

  8. I’m so out of the Twitter and…well..popular culture loop.

    I haven’t tweeted in so long I didn’t know Justin Beaver was a trending topic on twitter.

    I haven’t stuck my head out of the ground lately either because.. um… I don’t know who Justin Beaver is.

    I have actually seen Glee though so I’m not totally hopeless I guess

  9. Yeah so I read your blog and now I can’t get INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE outta my head.

    I love it. Insane in the brain!

      1. yea, I didn’t even know who that was or what IT sang til last week. Apparently a friend of my daughters ‘introduced her’ to beaver’s ‘music’.

        I called her mom and said, if her daughter doesn’t like my daughter, why can’t she just push her down or something, I mean why inflict the emotional trauma with that shit?!?!?!

        Kids today! I swear! Shit! See, I swear!

  10. You clearly ARE a Gleek. Because teenagers are freaks. Unless they are VAMPIRES, then they rock the house. Because they are all mellow and cool and shit.

    GAHEAD, try to think of a wittier nickname than Gleek for a 41 year old Twilight fan!

  11. Oh, Aunt Becky.

    I have a preteen. One day he asked me from the backseat why all the girls liked Justin “Beaver”. I yelled “Bieber!” and almost drove off the road. A couple of weeks later he was running around the house saying “Justin Beaver” over and over. I told the preteen I to stop saying that, and he refused. I then said “Well, I hate to do this, but you leave me no choice” and told him the slang definition of “beaver”.

    He hasn’t said it since.

    1. So long as you don’t tell him what the Urban Dictionary of “Becky” is, WE’RE ALL GOOD. I’m STILL shell-shocked and I am fairly raunchy.

      Also, your story has me giggling. Preteens are FUNNY. If muzzled.

      1. Well, all I told him was that it was a woman’s private area. I knew that would be mortifying enough – for BOTH of us!

  12. I hate you for getting Glee tickets when I don’t have any. Or am just really jealous. Yeah, probably just really jealous. Who the hell is this Bieber kid anyway? Saw him on American Idol and he was AWFUL. But maybe that’s cuz I’m not twelve. That could be an issue.

    1. The damn tour sold out in .2 seconds which is patently absurd and proof that preteens are robots. LUCKILY, I promise they will be back and we should all band together and go as a group so that I don’t feel so.damn.old.

      1. That would rock some socks. Yeah, I’ll need to take a posse. Cuz, really, we shouldn’t feel old. We’re not old. They’re just disgustingly young, that’s all. And vital. And perky. :: shudder ::

  13. Glee? Really? Does Dexter know? He might be able to take care of your preteen problem. Glad you enjoyed yourself, despite the vapid sea of prepubscence that surrounded you.

  14. I love Glee. I even got my husband (a very manly athlete type) watching it. It seems to get better and better. Jealous you got to go to the concert, but not sure I could have handled all the shrieking preteens. I teach high school and most of the freshman are still in pre-teen mode and like to shriek. It kills me. I’ll have to send my children off when they hit that age. I’m sure my mom will take them for a few years, right?

    1. I have my husband watching Glee right along with me every week too. It started in Canada before I moved here to the wilds of England, so when it (finally!!) started showing here on tv, I convinced him to give it a go because I had really enjoyed the few shows I saw before the big move. And he loves it as much as I do. :o)

  15. OMG I would say your a fricken dork if I hadn’t just been watching Glee on Hulu during my lunch hour….
    I’m late to the glee party because the first time I watched it they had some crappy texting going on that took up 1/2 the goddamn screen and it was annoying like a pack of tweens in a mall with no a/c in the middle of summer.
    It is entertainingly fluffy enough to make you forget about everything… which is how TV should be IMO.

  16. I do not tweet and never have. I’m not particularly fond of teenagers as a subclass of humans. My pre-teen, who is the best freaking pre-teen in the world (way better than those Obama girls) and has never seen Glee, says Justin Bieber sings like a girl but I wouldn’t know because I went deaf when my head exploded during a Jonas Bros. concert. In spite of all that, I love you and your blog and am glad you enjoyed the Gleecert.

  17. I took my little cousins to a Britney Spears concert when they were preteens and I was in college.
    I drove back to my college town that night to find few people around to hang out. My head was pounding. I needed a beer and companionship.
    I called a couple friends, who invited me to their apartment.
    I walked in to find a bunch of guys sitting around the living room, completely naked. I shrugged and drank a beer. They allowed me to come to “guys’ night,” apparently, but decided my entry fee was to look at dick.
    I don’t know what this has to do with anything, except that preteens and their music make you an alcoholic who is immune to situations involving lots of balls. The end.

    1. Is it just me or does that sound a little strange. Guys night out involves sitting around nekkid? There has to be more to that story.

  18. I know nothing of Twitter, Justin Beaver (Or Beiber, for that matter) and I work nights so I don’t know anything about Glee. Except that I recorded it once because I was a show choir geek before it was cool and I wanted to love the show I really did but I must have gotten a bad episode because they didn’t sing in it at ALL and that’s what I wanted to see.


    What I wanted to comment on was your awesome use of the word “foppy”. Which is a word most pre-teens don’t know. I wouldn’t know it either if I hadn’t read The Scarlet Pimpernel five or six times AND seen the musical. (It was amazing.)

    Beat that for geekiness.

  19. My 4 year old loves Justin Beaver & that’s what she calls him even if I’ve told her a hundred times it’s “Bieber.” Have you seen the website of pictures of lesbians who like him?! So “Beaver” is funny on that level and the fact that he is Canadian (as I am).

    1. Me too! Me too!

      I would totally fly back to North America to see Dr.Horrible on Broadway! Or wait for the touring company to come to London, because I am not of the the rich. But I would see it, one way or another!

  20. *Sighs* I am ashamed to think that I share a hometown with Beiber. On behalf of all Canadians, I apologize…

    Maybe he’ll get better after he hits puberty.

  21. Was totes there on Tuesday; salivating over the Lady Gaga routine since we still hadn’t watched Tuesday nite’s episode. (Duh … ’cause we were at Rosemont!) Absolutely love LOVE the live show! Minus the shrieks, of course.

  22. I started volunteering for our church youth group (middle schoolers) last September. I was TERRIFIED!

    By the final week of the school year program, I was enchanted by them. They really are kind of cool critters!

  23. I haven’t tweeted/twittered/wtf in FOREVER, but I am very amused at the Justin Beaver dealio because I just wrote about how my 5 year old daughter thought that beavers (the animal) are actually called “biebers.” And she asked me if Justin Bieber had a bieber tail. Oh my, confusion all around.

    But also, I love teenagers — for the very same reasons you listed. I’m lucky that I am a high school teacher, and if you spent much time in the teacher’s lounge, you would realize that MOST high school teachers have the same emotional depth and maturity as the students whom we teach (or put to sleep while lecturing, nighty-night). Which is why we crack up when someone gets a ’69’% on a test.

  24. I’m with you…I adore teenagers. I teach Christian formation, at this age level : and I adore them. So full of hopes and promise and innocent, and vulnerable.

    They really are just dying to have someone “see them” you know?

  25. I teach the teens and live in perpetual terror that someone will decide to bump me down to middle school. I may be certified, but that would make me certifiable.

  26. I live with two full teenagers and one preteen so I understand the evil of which you speak!! I wish I could go see Glee live, you’re so lucky!!

  27. I live with two full teenagers and one preteen so I understand the evil of which you speak!! I wish I could go see Glee live, you’re so lucky!!

  28. I am so insanely obsessed with Glee I think I’d put up with the screaming pre-teens flocking the auditorium. Bleck!

    The one good thing is it’s giving these beaver obsessed kids some insight into classic musical theater….and Lady Gaga….woooo!!!!!

    I didnt mean beaver obsessed…I meant…oh never mind.

  29. I am so insanely obsessed with Glee I think I’d put up with the screaming pre-teens flocking the auditorium. Bleck!

    The one good thing is it’s giving these beaver obsessed kids some insight into classic musical theater….and Lady Gaga….woooo!!!!!

    I didnt mean beaver obsessed…I meant…oh never mind.

  30. so i love teenagers almost as much as i love you but i am fuckin jealous that you got to Glee! and i don’t twitter and i really don’t give a shit bout dustin beaver.

  31. Um, yeah I hate Justin Beiber. I however really can’t stand teenagers either.

    I can however stand the ones that are not MINE.

    They (teenagers) are like 5 year olds. The things that come out of their mouth always seem to amaze me.

  32. I love teenagers, but I honestly think I could have shipped my kid far far away when she was between ages 9 and 13. Oh, so, annoying. Now that I think about it, maybe it was more her friends and their annoying junior highisms that made me hate everything about those ages. Thank God she came out mostly unscathed, normal, and with a thinking head on her shoulders…

    1. That would be AWESOME! His hair so annoys me. He annoys me more than tight ass skinny jeans belted around the ass on boys. And I cannot tell you how annoying I find that.

  33. Oh, Glee! I love thee. Little late to the party, caught up with the first season on my iTouch while expressing breast milk in the utility room at my office. Is that wrong?

    Re pre-teens. My niece is one. Most of the time I want to smack the shit out of her. She is redefining the word brat. I. DO. NOT. LIKE. IT.

  34. (1) I haven’t even seen Glee. I feel like a loser.

    (2) Have gone to a show with the flu (Kings of Leon, back in the dizay). Was EXCRUCIATING PAIN (Orajel commercial reference).

    (3) Hate that your cruise gave you the flu, but love Aunt Becky flu stories.

    (4) Wanted to make a joke about loving teenagers, but got askeered.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *