Tomorrow, I will surgery.

That sounded so epic in my head. Like something you’d hear from a particularly dramatic scene in one of those annoying dramatic movies I don’t watch because they’re filled with trite dialog like, “Tomorrow, I will surgery…” stares off into the distance poignantly, perhaps clutching a heart locket or maybe a tattered book.

Either way, I’m scheduled to go under the knife tomorrow sometime. Because it’s the hospital, they don’t exactly GIVE you a time and then stand by it or anything. Dave can’t comprehend that, which means it’s a good thing he doesn’t work in medicine, or his head might explode into pulpy bits because he simply cannot comprehend how something cannot be at! a! given! time!

I mean, I get it. When I worked as a floor nurse, people would be all, “when is radiology coming to get me for my imaging study?” and I’d be all, “sometime today,” knowing ‘today’ is a nebulous concept in a hospital, where variables upon variables stack upon one another. Someone urgent needs the CT scan or the OR and you get booted from your time slot. Tough shit, home slice. Except you can’t SAY that to a patient even if you want to because, well, OBVIOUSLY.

So I’m assuming that I’ll have surgery. Except that maybe I won’t. Because shit happens, man.

But in the event that I do indeed have The Surgery, I’m really excited. I’m nervous, too, but really, I’m excited. It’s nice to finally be able to have a dream that I can accomplish. Okay, that was too Lifetime Movie of the Week for me.

In the event that I have The Surgery tomorrow, I’m thrilled because I’ll FINALLY have an excuse to lay around pop pain pills while I make others do my bidding. THAT is pretty much my life’s dream.

And uh, DRUGS ARE BAD, KIDS, Look at Your Aunt Becky. You don’t want to turn out like Your Aunt Becky. Remember that the next time you’re offered drugs by a gang of peer-pressuring street thugs. Or Lil Wayne. He’s a walking anti-drug campaign.

Scared straight yet, bitches?

Tomorrow it is.

Hopefully, I won’t die. Because that would suck.

I’ll update as I can from the hospital (yay! WI-FI) as I am staying overnight and likely housed with a roommate who will probably be a total psychopath, which means I will get zero sleep, so YOU will get drug-addled posts about the BUBBLE PEOPLE ATTACKING ME ZOMG THE BUBBLE PEOPLE, but I may or may not be up to returning emails.

Especially if they begin:

“Dear Blogger, we think your readers will love…”

Also: Wrote about body image at Toy With Me.



84 thoughts on “Pre-Op

  1. You’re awesome and everything will be fine like wine. That’s why those bitches make so much. I’ve been sliced open and came out better, just more scars. They stitch you up and send ya home. I’ll miss your smart ass while you locked up. Can’t wait to see drugged up tweets. It’s kinda what I been looking forward to. ; )

  2. Good Luck tomorrow!! And hopefully you will get to have The Surgery. I can’t wait for your drug addled posts. You’re my hero. And Lil Wayne scares me A LOT!!

  3. A roommate? Good lord, that may be the scariest part of your entire experience. Unless you’re at a teaching hospital and you have to deal with the intern…now that’s scary!
    Good luck!

  4. I know a little bit about surgery as I’ve had three on my spine alone! Just keep watch over that morphine pump — hit that baby off every time you can! Will be thinking of you!

    — Katherine

  5. Thinking of you! & wishing I could have afforded the plane ticket to come be a bum — er I mean take excellent and loving care of y’all — on your couch.

    Get better fast babe!

  6. Heyo Becky,
    Take before and after pics!!!! Your gonna be all hot an sexy with a flat tummy in a bikini this summer πŸ˜€
    I hope surgery goes well…and I hope you get a nice big bottle of Vicodin…with a refill πŸ˜€ LoL
    Talk to ya soon lady


  7. I used to not get the whole sometime between 2 and tomorrow thing at hospitals but now that I have Joey, I totally understand. What was supposed to be a simple MRI of his neck when he was a little under 3 months old turned into a full head and upper chest MRI.

    What was supposed to be a biopsy when he was a little over 3 months old turned into a full excision that left Joey with an 8 inch scar (on a 3 month old baby that barely weighed 10 pounds) They were working so dangerously close to a nerve that controls his entire left side of his body that they were worried about paralyzing him.

    So I get the difference between real time and hospital time.

  8. I can’t wait to read your blog while you’re high. It’s pretty crazy already. (kidding) I hope everything goes well and you can keep your beloved crotch parasites from jumping and bumping on your tummy.

  9. Good luck! It’s my dream to have it done. I have the pot belly too, and it sucks! Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Please have The Daver keep us posted if you aren’t up to it!

  10. your tummy will be full of the win and your brain will be filled with the drugs. have a happy surgery even though i don’t approve of plastic surgery and am secretly judging you harshly.

    KIDDING. like i’m any kind of judgy. i don’t even OWN judgy pants. all i have are comfy pants. with holes. and no pants. because pants suck. they’re all tight and clothesy.

    anyway. have fun surgerying!

  11. There will be no dying – UNDERSTAND?!

    *But if by chance you don’t make it, which of course is never going to happen, you know your ultra cool little blue hat? I was thinking maybe The Daver could send it to me, you know, as something to remember you by, ’cause that’s how much I love you πŸ™‚

    P.S. Is it wrong that I’m excited for your drug induced tweets?

    Love ya Becky xoxox

  12. That picture made me really, really sad.

    Totally excited about drugged-up Aunt Becky tweets. Do not let me down.

    You’re going to do great. Praying for you.

  13. This surgery is so full of the awesome!! here’s to praying for no blood draws in the middle of the night just as you finally get yourself to sleep . . . πŸ™‚ Or enough nice drugs to make you not give a shit!

  14. Good luck and enjoy the drugs. I too understand the concept of “hospital” time. It’s a strange concept which I believe was designed just to screw with people on the good drugs they dispense…and their families, who for some odd reason get no drugs at all. Screw the pre-op liquid valium for me…my family members are usually psycho and need it much more than me.

  15. Aunt Becky, you will totally rock the surgery. I command it.

    But I’m looking forward to the drug-addled interwebbing. Because aside from semi-stalking the cute but clueless guitar player, I have no life of my own.

  16. I’m excited by the prospect of many and varied stories about Bubble and/or Balloon man attacks as they tend to be quick and full of drama. That will be easy to report on when you are on pain meds.
    Your going to rock that OR, even while unconcious.
    Get better quickly and return to us as soon as possible.

  17. Every man dies. Not every man really lives.

    As long as we’re delivering movie quotes here…

    Enjoy having your ab muscles in full contact all the way through again! This is covered by insurance, right? Maybe you can get a sponge bath from a hot nurse.

    Good luck…with the surgery and with the roommate – it’s bound to be a 60 year old with a very loud voice and horrible gas, who talks on the phone and snores. But my mom’s not going in the hospital, so there’s one down.

  18. Don’t forget, if you die (which you won’t), I get your blog. And it shall become a daily whore pants tribute page complete with Mr. Sprinkles images and mushy songs lip synced and uploaded to You Tube.

    But of course, it won’t. Because you’ll be fine. And not dead.

  19. Y’know, it’s a goddamn hospital. They should be able to schedule stuff with reasonable assurance. It’s not like an airport where activity is dependent on the weather, right?

    I missed the part about what your surgery is for. I’ll assume it’s something diabolical involving…. THE BRAIN. MWAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

    I’m sure it will all go fine. Blog from your comfy hospital bed and tell us all about the trippy dreams you had under anesthesia.

  20. You will be just fine! And even though you’ll be in pain (unless you utilize your morphine drip button AND YOU SHOULD) it’s awesome to have people waiting on you. And if you’re cathed you don’t even have to get up to go to the bathroom!

  21. I’m totally singing, “Posting like a crackhead” for you…to the tune of Party Like a Rockstar, of course!

    Definitely hoping for some crackhead posts from you!!!

  22. I am looking forward to your “drug-addled posts”. Good luck & remember we all have your back – even if we live on the other side of the country. :O)

    BTW – I am scared straight for sure now.

  23. Oh my god….your total dramatic beginning cracked me up!

    Two years ago shortly before Christmas I had surgery and had to stay overnight. My parents were hanging with me in my room and all of a sudden we heard some music. Turns out the Salvation Army band visits during the holidays to cheer patients up. They popped into my room with a fleece blanket, some cookies (I’d just had thyroid surgery so my neck was cut like someone tried to decapitate me so I wasn’t really in a cookie mood)and of course, religious literature. Anyway, the band stood outside my room and played music and I started laughing and told my mom that it reminded me of some cheesy Lifetime movie where the daughter is dying at xmas and her family surrounds her while “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” is played by a brass band. My mother was not amused.

    Anyway, tomorrow I will be clutching a tattered book and staring longingly into space while I send you positive vibes – and then positive healing vibes so you feel better quickly.

  24. Fuck Yeah!—what CycleNinja said…(“dying is easy, comedy is hard”) You will totally kick ass surgery….just keep hittin that morphine pump! I will be sending you positive energy and love from Oregon.

  25. Oh yeah….you already know this, but if you get a psycho roommate you just have to be MORE psycho on them until they move ’em out///

  26. A few years ago I had the liposuction. Pretty extensive. (best. Decision. Ever.) when I first woke up I was surprised how burpy I was! I also found saltines and sprite to be a lifesaver for days after. Best of luck, you’ll love the results!

  27. I must have missed something (which wouldn’t surprise me since right now my life only consists of sleeping, sometimes eating, sometimes showering, sometimes Facebooking, and keeping a 9 month old), cuz I don’t know what TEH SURGERY is! But anyhowzit, I’ll be thinking of you, praying that all goes well, and hoping they give you your very own morphine pump so that any time your crazy roommate does something, you can take a trip into happy land.

  28. Now probably isn’t the best time to point out that in zombie movies, the initial gestation period of the disease that makes everyone into zombies is usually 2-3 days and that the first sick people show up at a hospital AND it’s 2-3 days since Halloween. Sleep tight.

  29. Lil Wayne scares the shit out of me…I don’t think I’ve seen a picture of him quite so up close like that. It’s good to know that he Fear’s God, but maybe next time he should put that tattoo somewhere where he doesn’t need double mirrors to read it the right way? Or the inside of his eyelids instead of the outside? Then at least he could have read the words when he was sleeping.

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