(note: all artwork is original and should be revered as such. Perhaps you can say a prayer or do a dance or something when you see how epic it is)

I came down, yesterday, from putting my daughter down from her nap. I took a cursory glance at my sons, and was all, “Hey Guys,” and started to walk away in search of more dancing cat videos to soothe me. Also: a mop to try and remove the goo that my sick daughter had left all over me.

I noticed something.

While this is what I expected to see:

Why I Am Not A Good Mommy Blogger

That Devilish Imp!

Without, of course, the washout from the front door or the grainy pixelated quality of iPhone pictures. My son is not pixelated. NONE of my crotch parasites are pixelated.

This is what I saw.

Mommy Bloggers Hate Me

My brain exploded everywhere.

I stood there, jaw flapped open before I began to holler furiously.

Because then I saw this:

Ruined Couches. Without Mr. Sprinkles

After I stuffed my brains back into their cavity, I realized that there was only one guy to call.

Billy Mays Oxyclean

BILLY MOTHERFUCKING MAYS.

Billy Motherfucking Mays.

Now, if you know anything about me (note: you shouldn’t), you should know that I fucking love Billy Motherfucking Mays.

When I use Oxyclean, the voice in my head SOUNDS LIKE BILLY MOTHERFUCKING MAYS. That’s comforting because I miss BILLY MAYS. A lot.

See, Pranksters, BILLY MAYS and I were BFF (best fucking friends) until he had to up and die on me. I’m still not over his death, but when I use his product, HIS VOICE SCREAMS IN MY HEAD, and it’s a little better.

The couches, I saw, they were a job for BILLY MAYS and OXYCLEAN. A job powered by ANGER and CAFFEINE.

I turned on my iPod and started in on them.

All I Ask Of You,” from Phantom of the Opera came on.

Me: *grumble, grumble* “GOD, this is a crappy wedding song. Why do people choose the worst songs to dance to as their First Dance?”

Billy Mays Oxyclean

BILLY MOTHERFUCKING MAYS.

BILLY MAYS: “THAT’S A BULLSHIT SONG, ALL RIGHT. MY WIFE AND I DANCED TO THE THEME SONG FROM THE SMURFS. NOW HOW’S THAT OXYCLEAN TREATING YOU? REMOVING YOUR STAINS? MAKING YOUR WHITES BRIGHTER? MAKING YOUR LIFE BETTER?”

Aunt Becky: “That’s kind of weird, BILLY MAYS. Even for you.”

*time passes*

Aunt Becky: “HOLY SHIT. I CAN’T FEEL MY FINGERS.”

Billy Mays Oxyclean

BILLY MOTHERFUCKING MAYS.

BILLY MAYS: “BUT THE STAINS! FORGET ABOUT YOUR FUCKING FINGERS, YOU SNIVELING WHORE. HOW ARE THE STAINS? DO YOU HAVE BRIGHTER WHITES?

Aunt Becky: “SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH ABOUT THE FUCKING STAINS, BILLY MAYS. I HAVE NO FUCKING FINGERPRINTS!”

BILLY MAYS: “BUT THE STAINS!! HOW ARE THE STAINS? DO YOU HAVE BRIGHTER WHITES?”

Aunt Becky: “The worst part is that you’re in my head. And the BILLY MAYS in my head doesn’t care about my fingerprints being seared off by an Oxyclean bath.”

BILLY MAYS: “YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH AND SCRUB, WOMAN. THOSE STAINS AREN’T GOING TO UNDO THEMSELVES. BRIGHTER WHITES!”

*time passes*

BILLY MAYS: “JUST WORK ON YOUR COUCH, YOU FUCKING NIMROD!”

I Am A Shitty Mommyblogger

2 hours of work, 2 rolls of paper towels and 2 bowls of Oxyclean later, this is what I got:

Couch Art Sucks

Don’t recognize it?

(BILLY FUCKING MAYS DIDN’T EITHER)

Couch Art.

Portrait of the Artist as a Young Girl

That’s my daughter’s handiwork. It’s done in Pink Sharpie. On my couch.

BILLY FUCKING MAYS couldn’t touch that shit, ALTHOUGH HE GOT THE OTHER MARKER STAINS OUT.

Some day, I hope to auction this particular self-portrait off for many millions of dollars. Momma needs a yacht. And some new fingerprints.

Although having none could really launch my Life of Crime. Then I could by my OWN yacht. Wait a second…this idea is BRILLIANT.

Thanks, BILLY MAYS. You’re a fucking hero.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

86 Responses to Portrait of the Artist as a Young Girl

  • Justin Hammack says:

    Trying to erase all that fine art is like burning books as far as I’m concerned! But I do agree, Billy Mays has a whore mouth, what a tool.

  • Neeroc says:

    Oh holy crap my head exploded for you. Is it at least on a cushion that can be turned over? I’m running out right this second to buy the plastic wrap for my white couches.

    (Just don’t go all Trading Spaces and spraypaint your couches!)

  • Jennifer Simson says:

    Two words: Slip. Covers. Maybe you can sew them up like you did with your “sit upon” that you made years ago. But really, there are a ton to choose from out there and at least you can preserve that precious drawing that you will make millions out of in years to come.

  • AmyBlam says:

    When I feel like fingerprint removal, generally prior to my own crime spree, I go with Mr. Clean and his oh so magic eraser. Get that thing wet and it’s fingerprints begone and guaranteed to burn minscule hangnails you didn’t know you had.

  • CycleNinja says:

    I think a cleaning job like that requires you to affix the cushions to the side of your car and drive through a car wash. The kind with the whipping brushes along the side, not the sissy touchless kind.

  • Linz says:

    This belongs on shitmykidsruined.com. If you haven’t seen that site yet, you’re welcome in advance <3

  • Desi says:

    You are only one ALL CAPS SWEAR-A-THON with Billy away from a make out session. I mean, sounds like.

  • Marian Allen
    Twitter: MarianAllen
    says:

    You are so rude–I love that. I wish I weren’t too much of a sissy to get a phoenix tattoo. The most I’ve ever done is get a henna tattoo, and then I was like “ouch!” My sweet little baby angel used to draw on the walls and doors and her toy kitchen appliances. We just waited for her to grow up and then painted and knocked out the walls and burned the doors.

    I looked in my HOW TO CLEAN PRACTICALLY ANYTHING guide for you (you’re welcome) and saw Magic Wand and got all excited but, when I Googled it, it turned out to be just a stain removal stick. I think imma sue them for breach of excitement.

    Anyway, the guide says to clean the marker ink with alcohol (alcohol is always a Good Thing–make mine Bourbon) and says “Call 1-800-CRAPOLA–sorry, that’s 1-800-CRAYOLA for additional information”.

  • Sam says:

    My son pulled that artistic shit with permanent paint pens! One of his chosen pieces was all over a photograph I had *painstakingly* chosen, found, paid to have repaired/retouched and then enlarged. It was a newspaper photo of my husband’s beloved grandfather. AWESOME. So I had to go through the entire process all over again thanks to the paint pen. No amount of Oxyclean could fix it. Although really, Billy MoFo Mays makes cocaine a little MORE appealing. Is that wrong? Because I loved how he could make me want to shake that Oxyclean like a Polaroid picture….

  • karen says:

    Oh. My. BillYmays.

    We have a black leather couch, and my guy is always yelling at the kids with their sharp objects.

    You see, we can only have old or black stuff. Because I only wear black. Because since I was a teen, I have been spilling stuff on me (it runs in the family, though of 4 girls I’m the only one who figured out the black trick).

    I learned the hard way on a first date with a guy I was super cross-eyed hot for (after 8 years together,he doesn’t know who I am … or so he says on FB!!!) I dumped a scoop of yogurt on myself.

    So … OH! MY! BILLYMAYS! Your kid is really, really, really talented dude. That couch is probably worth a, like, gazillion bazillion dollars 50 years from now if you play your stage-mom cards right.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I should probably start dying her hair and bleaching her teeth and shit, right? Because I want my INVESTMENT BACK.

      • karen says:

        And you know, as I yelled at my own monsters to clean up their playdoh before I flush it, under everything, aren’t we fucking so thankful that they have the capacity to wreak havoc? I know I am. xox

      • Tisti says:

        Not bleaching her teeth my dear. Buying her FLIPPERS! Don’t you watch Toddlers and Tiaras?

        PS In lieu of a real comment I am just going to follow all your comments and respond to you. Cuz I’m a stalker like that.

  • steph gas says:

    i second the notion of slip covers. then when you get bored of that color/pattern or someone needs to express themselves artistically again, you can take the slipcovers off and replace or wash them.

    ALSO. you should take the cover off that cushion and have it matted and framed. and hang it on the wall. or auction it off. or whatevs.

  • Kristin says:

    Ahhh I remember those days. My daughter tattooed my soon with sharpie when she was about 2ish and he was 4ish. Yeah she is a mastermind. We used mail polish remover it worked and he smelled pretty for days.
    But seriously no finger print is mother fucking genius now you’re life of crime can begin. Dexter would be so proud of you. I see the tear rolling down his eye right now.
    And I have the one who punched the coke whore who I don’t remember his name with the Slap Chop Stuck in my head frequently and I often picture how the punch went down. I have issues.

  • Rox says:

    Hey-Zues! You know I just discovered my newly cleaned microfiber couch with tiny blue circles courtesy of my 3 year old demon child. Nothing works. DAMN IT! Your posting just angered me now that I remember that there are blue doodles on my couch. Thanks.

  • Andie
    Twitter: lilmscreant
    says:

    OMG.. tears. I long ago gave up on trying to have anything nice in my home. My kids fetish is stickers. I have stickers on every motherfucking
    surface in my house. My youngest recently stuck a sheet of Lisa fucking Frank shiny rainbow shit to my guitar. The only stickers that go on my guitar are rock band decals, clever bumper stickers and stickers stolen from Bubblelicious display ads, not Lisa Fucking Frank Shiny Rainbow shit stickers.

    That being said, this possible your greatest entry ever.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      *bows* I’m glad you like it. BILLY FUCKING MAYS told me IT SUCKED and that I should START SCRUBBING MY CARPET WITH OXYCLEAN.

      I told him to piss off.

      • Krista says:

        Oh, the stickers… I have unicorn, hello kitty and that whore strawberry shortcake stickers all over my house. I’ve stopped seeing them. My girlfriend was over and started freaking out about them. “Oh, here’s a unicorn. Let me get that off for you.” And a few minutes later, *slight judging tone* “Uh, Krista, here’s another sticker on your cabinet…” She finally gave up when I stopped feigning interest in removing them. It just doesn’t matter. ;)
        Thanks for the awesome post!

  • I have to agree with the ppl who said slip covers. You probably should do what I had to do when my 2 youngest kids were your kids age and get EVERY PHUCKING marker completely OUT OF THE HOUSE and not allow them back in until they are around 9 or 10. Markers are the devil and there’s no reason little bitty kids need to have markers. Even those washable phuckers can ruin a couch. Crayons are much easier to clean up. SO you might wanna check into googling “slip covers” and then hide the markers.

  • If I turn my head sideways to right and lift one leg up in the air – I swear its the Virgin Freaking Mary.

  • Susan says:

    When my daughter was around 4 years old, she took my “Reddest-of-Reds” lipstick and wrote on the freshly painted walls. I had to call the neighbor to come and get her, because I knew if she stayed around I would kill her.

    Being absolutely FURIOUS, I started scrubbing and planning her demise. (The lipstick, of course, was smearing hideously.) As I continued with this seemingly futile effort I noticed some crude letters on the wall. I really wish I had taken a picture, as in a 4 year old’s scrawl was written, “I lov mome” (I love mommy).

    I decided to let her live. At 21 she has won numerous awards for her artwork.

  • mumma boo says:

    Oh man, did I need to laugh until I peed today. Thank you for that. Now pass the Oxiclean. My office chair is a mess.

  • mumma boo says:

    Oh man, did I need to laugh until I peed today. Thank you for that. Now pass the Oxiclean – my office chair is a mess.

  • At first, I thought that it was red pen. In that case, I would say use some hairspray because that gets red pen out (a little known fact I gleaned from teaching and bleeding red ink all over poorly written essays).

    But sharpie marker? Ouch!

    Slip covers with plastic cover on top of it?

  • Mel says:

    That is awesome!

    Well, not the fingerprints part, but just think, now you could take up a life of crime, and never have to wear gloves! Oxy-clean can now market to a whole new sub-segment of the population!

    Also – are you going to send a message to sharpie? I think this would make a great ad campaign for them.

  • Wombat Central
    Twitter: wombatcentral
    says:

    Yes, I agree that a visit to slipcoversRus is in order. Pronto. Did she really color your son, too? On the plus side, now you can team up with your imaginary boyfriend, Dexter, and your crmes will be untraceable due to your nonexistent fingerprints.

  • avasmommy says:

    I second or third the magic eraser idea. I took RED FUCKING Crayon off of my couch with those.

  • Magic erasers are the shit. For reals yo.

  • Leah says:

    Ok, so you’ve made me cry today and now laugh. Sorry about the laughing part.

  • zak says:

    Holy hell, I think you should frame that couch cushion. Clearly she’s gifted.

    Also, this happened to my friend. http://pancakesandfrenchfries.com/2009/09/how-to-remove-permanent-marker-ink-from-fabric/

  • Dude. She is like the Jackson Pollock of Sharpies. Amazing.

    Also? That swearathon with Billy Motherfucking Mays? SCHMEXY.

  • Melissa says:

    HAHAHA! PINK Sharpie? That would be pure torture for a mini me of Aunt Becky! How could you not know that :P

  • Adriane says:

    LOVE it! Sorry bout the fingerprints though…I know a good bank you can start at!

    Awesome Post!

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  • Grumble Girl says:

    Oh my holy fuck, lady. I am SO sorry!! I am sighing heavily for you, my friend. Billy Mays has no strength for this kind of mess… you need new furniture. Sorry. Oh, and FUCK!!!

    I’m going to throw all the markers in our house away now…

  • Rebecca says:

    Ohhh please put a linky on this so that we can pull another John C Mayer on the internet. I was thinking about doing a post on…..someone, I just forgot…but he’s gonna be my new boyfriend as soon as I remember who I wanted to do…he’s a sweetie.

  • a says:

    And that’s why I keep the sharpies where the kid can’t reach ‘em. Good thing she’s not a climber, or I’d have to invest in padlocks…

    Nice work!

  • Momma Chaos says:

    OH NO SHE DIDNT!! My head exploded for you and I am now thanking the heavens that my kid hasn’t done this- yet. O.M.G!

  • Kelly says:

    I think Mimi was just trying to tell you it’s time for a new couch. Don’t get all crazy, she just wanted you to have a new one.

    Mea blamed her “art” on her sister, you know her 18 year old sister. Her’s was also done with crayon, on the wall, not hot pink Sharpie on the couch…

    http://makingmonkeysoup.blogspot.com/2010/12/writing-is-on-wall.html

  • Suzy Voices says:

    My little guy took a sharpie to the pergo floor, the walls, the curtains, the inside of a closet, etc. At that time, his “people” looked like carrots. One was so sweet I just had to save it. Or maybe it was because it was on the pleated window shade and I didn’t want to try to get it out.

  • Liz says:

    Ha-larious!!!

  • Awesome! That’s how I talk to my wife!

  • Sunday says:

    I can just hear my Mom’s voice “Can’t we ever have anything nice around here?!?!” I thought she was just being crabby way back then, until my son drew on my off-white couch throw pillow with black sharpie and I said the same thing to him….She was right, my kids are just like me…

  • Angela L says:

    Many moons ago my now 10 year old treated the back of our couch to the same decor, only in green sharpie. Forget the markers, lock the parasites up – just last month my 13 (yes…13!!!) year old scratched a word into the top of my dining room table with a pen. So I figure I can finally safely decorate my house in 8-10 years, husband not withstanding.

  • It was at times like this when I would look up package shipping rates to Siberia.

    Fortunately for my son, the costs were always prohibitive.

    We also refer often to “The Shouting Man” when we are referencing obnoxiously loud commercials.

    Which of course is homage to Billy Mays.

    May his screaming soul rest in peace.

  • Tershbango says:

    OK, I’m trying. I’m trying SO hard. I’m trying SO hard not to piss myself laughing.

    Because seriously? That is some FUNNY shit.

    I say leave the couch as is – that is a priceless work of art. You will have every guest EVER from here on out rolling.

  • luna says:

    I just want to know, did your hippie parents buy that shirt for your kid?

  • irant says:

    Sounds like you also need a new couch …

    #WWBMD

    K

  • Jenn says:

    Monkey did that once. He black-sharpied the entire kitchen (walls, fridge, cupboards, oven – you name it, he “made it pretty, mama”) of the apartment we were renting. Good times. Mr. Clean Magic Erasers got off most of the marker. Unfortunately, they also removed most of the paint. Good times.

  • Lisa says:

    I think you could get a cool mil for that on Ebay, I see Jesus.

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    Ok, you officially have the couch covered in Desitin beat. Damn girl, that SUCKS!.

  • Jen says:

    I should get kickbacks from Billy Mays as often as I promote Oxiclean. However, my darling daughter at the age of two decided to decorate my brand new couches and end tables with green sharpie. I know your pain. Oxiclean was no match. Nothing worked. I flipped the pad and the pillows over. I hope you find the magic answer!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I should, too! We should go to Oxyclean, dude! Just be all, OXYCLEAN, WE NEED SOME MONIES FOR ALL THE GOOD THINGS WE SAY ABOUT YOU.

      This is clearly the answer.

  • andygirl says:

    on the one hand, I’m a little concerned you’re hallucinating Billy Mays.

    on the other, you might have a genius on your hands. I’d start promoting her now. never too young, I say.

    can’t believe your kids drew all over your house.

  • Megan says:

    As a chemist, I’ll let you know this. Sharpie markers are solvent-based, so you have to use a solvent to clean them up. Rubbing alcohol or acetone (nail polish!!) works wonders. Oxi-clean is not a solvent and will not take it up (it works with water-based stuff, like Crayola markers). My husband also works in a furniture store and they use Windex and it takes shit out of anything.

  • Meg says:

    LOL. Thanks for the giggle today Aunt Becky. I had to laugh at Billy Mays talking in your head about dancing to the Smurfs theme song. I told my fiancee that I want to be married in Vegas, on april fools day and walk down the aisle to the Smurfs theme song…he told me no. He just doesn’t understand the awesomeness of the Smurfs. Oh and I usually use Resolve fabric cleaner for getting crap out of my couch..of course it’s usually olive oil (damn pasta) and not sharpie markers.

  • Pasc says:

    Ok. I know you have bloody nubs where your fingers used to be at this point but listen. There’s an awesome post at ohdeedoh.com about taking Sharpie out of a couch… I can’t find it now because my ballandchain son is grabbing at my phone screaming for Yo Gabba Gabba. Otherwise do as I do and just take your glasses off. If you can’t see it, it isn’t there.

  • Pasc says:

    Ok. I know you have bloody nubs where your fingers used to be at this point but listen. There’s an awesome post at ohdeedoh.com about taking Sharpie out of a couch… I can’t find it now because my ballandchain son is grabbing at my phone screaming for Yo Gabba Gabba. Otherwise do as I do and just take your glasses off. If you can’t see it, it isn’t there.

  • cagey says:

    OMG. One of my greatest fears is that one of the kids will get a hold of one my beloved Sharpies. A problem with three points 1)MY BELOVED SHARPIE. 2)It is MINE and 3)NOT YOURS.

    Oh, and I guess I’d be pissed about the un-erasable mess. Yeah, that.

  • Jolie says:

    Ok, I have a dog (yes I still have her, she is 12 now) that was a holy terror pup and chewed up EVERYTHING. Including carpet that was professionally installed. She finally did the unthinkable and found a red sharpie. For chewing in the living room of the house we rented that had beige carpeting. For reals. I only got it to fade to pink. That was 10 years ago, and I ended up buying a throw rug to put over it.
    You may want to consider buying this for the children. http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts-apparel/kids/e515/ They also have a shirt that says “I void warranties”. Good luck my friend!

  • J.R. Reed says:

    My guess is that Billy Mays got whacked by someone because they realized Oxyclean was bullshit. I can’t prove it, but I don’t doubt it!

  • denise says:

    oh aunt becky, i totally feel your pain!!! try 99% alcohol (kroger, bottom shelf), it should do the trick.

  • Melissa says:

    Did you see that episode of South park? It was brilliant.

    My husband brought me home Clorox Clean Up instead of my beloved Anywhere Spray (he said the store was out) … I was cleaning my bathroom window… and I swear to you I opened the bathroom window and had the fan on AND IT BURNED ALL THE HAIR OUT OF MY NOSE and I was still smelling bleach for the entire day…. I never thought about looking for my fingerprints…..

  • Sparklyfarts says:

    This is exactly why I refuse to buy new furniture, among other things in my house. I can live it old school for awhile with ugly paneling in my family room (doesn’t show the dirt or finger prints!) and stained up furniture in the living room. Spawn tend to ruin everything they touch. Damn spawn!

  • Ericka says:

    Shit. This was epic. I think I love you.

  • Ericka says:

    Shit. This was epic. I think I love you.

  • This is the first time I’ve visited your blog – I have no idea how I got here. My hubby and I just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary. Guess what our song was? Yup – “All I Ask of You”. I nearly fell off the couch when I read your post. Hilarious!
    Sorry about your couch

  • JLK says:

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

  • qcmama says:

    My son drew on my couch with a sharpie the day I bought it. He was 2. He is so lucky he saw 3, and has made it all the way to 10. :) I got it off with a magic eraser. Those things are AHMAZING! They did not get his amazing family portrait off my walls though. That picture was complete with penises on all the males in the family. How has he made it to 10. I do not know. I hope you find a way to fix it

  • Heather says:

    Great color choice and so expressive! You have a real artist on your hands ;)

  • Pasc says:

    Also, that Greatful Dead tee? Awe. Some.

    Here’s that site I mentioned. Good luck?
    http://www.ohdeedoh.com/ohdeedoh/clean-up-time/red-sharpie-marker-vs-furniture-097691

  • Lily says:

    1. Get those motherfucking markers out of your house asap.
    2. Buy some nice Hello Kitty-handcuffs in a matching pink color and
    3. Apply as convenient.
    Oh, and you should totally frame that cushion.

  • Beth
    Twitter: star_momma
    says:

    I forsee a totally pink couch for you soon. Make it happen. NAO!

    Oh, and when you’re done painting *your* bland walls, would you come paint *my* bland walls? Cuz I totally have the colors picked. We just haven’t, y’know, um, what’s the word? Bought paint.

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