Because I am a narcissistic asshole, I have carefully chronicled the problems I have had with flying. While I am sure that MOST have you have carefully poured over my archives while wearing an “I HEART AUNT BECKY SHIRT” while burning incense at your Aunt Becky Alter, for those of you who haven’t had time, I’ll give you the Cliff’s Notes Version:

(P.S. I’d use real bullets, but the make the font REALLLLY tiny and then I get upset because it LOOKS BAD and then I get anal and wring my hands about it and then I realize that maybe I SHOULD have been a graphic designer except that I am not THAT anal because I am distracted by the promise of hot dogs)

*I have been singled out and strip searched by the TSA for most of my flights since I was a small child. I used to think that it was because I was devastatingly sexy, but no, I realized that I actually look sort of maybe Middle Eastern. Racial profiling does, in fact, exist.

*All of my luggage was lost on my honeymoon. In fact, my honeymoon was a disaster from the moment it began until it ended. We did get our luggage back, BUT LOOK AT MY CORNROWS:

*On our trip to Heather Spohr’s baby shower, the tickets we printed at home were all ‘SEE TICKETING AGENT’ which never bodes well, because obviously. So we were all nervous because we’d never been away before and then the tickets were MYSTERIOUS and turns out, we were on an exit row.

*Flight HOME from Heather’s baby shower, the plane nearly crashed. No, seriously. It wasn’t funny.

So I wasn’t exactly happy to be getting on a plane to go to my cruise because, well, something always seems to be amiss and airline travel now is a HUGE pain in the butthole. But CRUISE! How could I go wrong?

The flight out was delayed about an hour, but whatever, I was coming in the day before and it all worked out.

The flight HOME, see, now, THIS is where I got fucked.

I’d made the mistake of buying some ridiculously overpriced shit at the salon on the ship. Those of you (read: ALL of you) who will be going on our cruise, HEED MY WARNING, the cruise ship’s salon is INSANELY expensive. So, I bought some shit before I knew what it cost and then realized it was over the 3 ounce limit the TSA allows.

(the terrorists are SO winning)

So I’m all, okay, I’ll check my motherfucking bag. WHATEVER. I drop my twenty-five bucks at the American Airlines curbside check-in and the guy is all “I’ll take care of it for you.” And then I said bye to my bag as it was loaded onto the back.

I got home and couldn’t walk straight which should have been the first sign that I was coming down with the flu, but I’d been traveling all day, so I was all “WHATEVER” and went to bed. The next day, I was equally mumbly and went around in a fog and basically walked into walls and still couldn’t figure out why my brain felt like it had been attacked by ice cream scoops.

The FOLLOWING day, I finally attempted to unpack my suitcase, where it had languished in the hallway, and, upon looking closer at one of my ridiculously overpriced salon boxes, I realized something: it was empty. After calling a meeting of the usual suspects, I realized that it couldn’t POSSIBLY have been my children, who lacked the dexterity to open such a box.

Which meant one thing: I’d been robbed by American Airlines, not the TSA, because they didn’t leave their calling card.

Also missing: my iPod/iPhone/iPad charger (the same piece of equipment).

American Airlines has tried to help but is basically like “*shrugs* We opened a case for you.” Did you know they have a whole DEPARTMENT for this shit? A PILFERED BAGGAGE department? That’s fucked up, yo.

I’m planning to call American EXPRESS (the card I used to buy my ridiculous face cream on) who may be able to leverage a little more weight than me and my Twitter Campaign of Doom will be able to, because genuinely, I’m not thinking much will come of this at all.

It’s just all so fucked up. I mean, we can’t really LOCK our baggage to keep them out because the TSA has to be able to access our stuff at all times to search it, and we can’t do anything about getting our stuff back because how can I really PROVE that my stuff is missing?

If this is the new world order, I don’t like it, Pranksters.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

83 Responses to Perhaps This Is Fate’s Way of Telling Me To ROADTRIP

  • The only solution is for us to charter our own plane for the cruise, then fly around the country picking up everybody. As I’ve never heard of a tiny plane flew by people who didn’t know what they were doing crashing or having anything bad happen, I’m pretty sure this plan is fool-proof.

  • FUCKERS.

  • avasmommy says:

    I’m gonna have to start walking soon, see, cause I plan on walking to the cruise ship of awesomeness. Me no like to fly.

  • Vinomom says:

    I have flown like a bajillion times (my mom is a travel agent) and have never once had a luggage problem until this past trip to Disneyworld. They lost Lady H’s bag! We got it back the next day but she was so upset. She’ll probably never check a bag again.

  • Margaret says:

    Man, and people wonder why I refuse to check bags.

  • Kelly says:

    Me either. I think it is the new world order. I miss my fancy suitcase locks.

  • Beth
    Twitter: star_momma
    says:

    0.0 Remind me to, y’know, not fly. At all. Preferably ever.

  • Mary says:

    I always buy cheap shit when I go on vacation. Which is why my patio looks like a Tijuana whorehouse (I don’t know for sure, but at least I hope so) with a barbecue. I don’t know why but the TSA always goes through my stuff. I’m getting a complex. The last time they took my blood pressure medicine (labeled and all) out of my medicine bag and laid it on top of my clothes. If you ever go to Europe, try Amsterdam. Laid back (legal pot) a couple of sex museums and the Red Light District. Like Aunt Becky’s cruise, but on steroids.

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  • That is fucked up.

  • a says:

    New rule for vacation: Plan a trip to the Post Office/UPS store on the last day of your vacation and ship your valuables home. With insurance. Then you can carry on your bag AND still have all your stuff when you get home. Or the shipping agent can pay you for it.

    Did you use Amex for your flight? Because they might be able to harass the airlines from that angle too.

    TSA always finds something in my bag to question, but that’s because I don’t read their “Before you pack” information and try to carry stuff on the plane that was legal 5 or 10 years ago. :)

  • Regina says:

    Wow. Sorry to hear about your stuff being stolen. That totally sucks.
    Just wanted to note- while it would be fabulous to have an Aunt Becky alter- I would curse even more than I already do I guess- I worship at the Aunt Becky altar.
    PS- Groovy Bo Derek cornrows!

  • a says:

    Also, why is it that they can find my 4 oz bottle of moisturizer or oddly shaped barrette with ease, but can’t find actual, say, explosives? Like the guy in Detroit had?

    On top of that, I’m sure I could carry enough appropriate material in 3-4 3 oz bottles to cause serious trouble on a plane if I were so inclined.

    OK, I’ll stop ranting about the TSA now…I know they’re only trying to help.

  • Melissa says:

    Sorry dude – but yeah, the airline people like the good shit. And suitcase locks? Even before we werent allowed to use them, the same fucking key opens every suitcase IN THE WORLD.

    So, now that you cant carry delicious toiletries (I hate that word, and using the word delicious with it was just fucked up) – that my travelers (I have travelers dude, I am an admin lol) have me give them pre-printed UPS labels for them to take, in case they are asked to give up something at security. Sure, if they are in a hurry they have to give it up, but if they have time they just give the stuff to the airline peeps with the label and get back in line. Can you say PAIN IN THE ASS for not getting your stuff pilfered?

    Oh, AND I read this story about a couple that airline people at baggage claim started noticing they saw a little too often? They did a sting on them and found like 500 suitcases in their house. That is like a suitcase a day for a year and a half!

    Ok, sorry for the rant. I hardly ever travel, but like I said, I have travelers man. I have to deal with the fallout lol.

  • Amanda says:

    My dad used to work for the TSA. He saw people steal on MULTIPLE occasions and even when you complain those little shit tards never get reprimanded. It’s a little disgusting. We should just go on a naked cruise….no luggage needed, BOOYAH!

  • Barbara says:

    I’ve been really lucky with airlines and luggage. Never had any issues. I’m sure I just jinxed myself

  • Anna says:

    The terrorists have made me realllly hate flying. REALLLLY. And American Airlines doesn’t make it much better. We got pilfered in Chicago and I just felt so violated. Then I laughed because they pilfered out of our dirty clothes suitcase and only got ONE of my son’s sandals. Fuckers, you can take it. At least now you have to clean it before you can try to hawk my shit.

    It took a while, and a lot of arguing with them but we eventually got a check for what it would cost to replace those items.

    I just hate flying now.

    • Melissa says:

      You know what. $25 to check a bag and have all their employees have access to it. That $25 should be your suitcase shit insurance.

  • Heather says:

    Actually you CAN lock your bag. You just have to have a TSA approved lock because they all basically have the same key. I’m not sure if it will keep the baggage check people out of them but I have always just checked my bag at the counter and not curbside.

  • soccermom says:

    I would of been soo freakin pissed.
    I never check a bag anymore when i fly. Besides the fact that there are so many damn restrictions, I think its easier to just buy shit when you arrive at your destination and then pitch it before you head home.

    Sorry for you loss. You want me to come beat someones ass?

  • Maria says:

    That’s bullshit. You should do a “blog review” for a private jet. ;-)

  • beta dad says:

    Those cruise ship salons are brutal. My wife got an expensive facial and didn’t want to buy the even more expensive products they tried to push on her. They told her that she was being irresponsible and that all the magic they had performed on her “damaged” skin would be for naught if she didn’t buy their shit. So after the relaxing facial, they totally stressed her out with their strongarm tactics.

  • Libby says:

    I’m surprised they didn’t charge you a “stealing fee.” After all, wasn’t your bag lighter and easier to carry?

  • JennyMac says:

    TSA or one of their douchy friends helped themselves to my brand new Christian Dior sunglasses. They opened the case, took the sunglasses and microfiber cloth out and left the unzipped case in my bag. After they stirred up all the contents with what appeared to be a hurricane. MFers.

  • Andygirl says:

    Oh man that is so wrong on so many levels! I am so sorry for you! Even if you didn’t miss the overpriced stuff, just getting stuff stolen is such a violation of trust. Makes me never want to check a bag again. My car was broken into once, the window smashed out, and they didn’t get much because I didn’t leave much other than trash in my car, but I felt so violated. *shiver*

    Oh and I always get sick when I travel. And I travel a LOT. For work. Which can be awesome, except when I’ve brought home the millionth alien flu. I should be immune to millions of diseases by now.

    Hope you’re feeling better!

  • The only thing you should buy on a cruise is drinks.

    I hate flying. In the days when you didn’t have to pay to check your bags & I flew with big bags I lost luggage nearly every damn time. But I could never get a business trip shorter than 5 days & 5 days of business clothes & equipment & literature do not fit in one carry on.

  • Wombat Central
    Twitter: wombatcentral
    says:

    That really blows.

    I <3 that TSA is there to protect us and all, but I'm seriously skeeved that they're pawing through my clean panties.

    • robert says:

      TSA is a group of second rate egotsitical ass-hats that could not get jobs as real law enforcement types and were already fired from their shitty rent-a-cop jobs. The terrorist won alright.

  • Elly Lou says:

    1) I’m not entirely sure that I believe you when you say the flu is the reason you were walking funny after you got off the cruise (chicka pow!) 2) You should kick those ass hats in their pilfering crotches so until THEY walk funny.

  • Jenn says:

    Remind me to travel with you if I ever feel the need to fly anywhere. With all the shit that happens to you, I’m bound to get all the good luck.

  • leanne says:

    I’ve had some weird stuff happen while flying, but I count myself pretty lucky. Nothing really terrible to report. Sorry to hear about your shitty luck — hope AmEx can help!

    Also, if you’re looking for someone to visit on a road trip, pick me, pick me! I promise I won’t steal any of your stuff. (though I might be tempted to borrow Mimi for a while)

  • Megan says:

    Yea…thats some bullshit. I think in this day and age…pretty much all airlines suck.

  • Chibi Jeebs says:

    Locks are a crap shoot anyhow. I’ve flown a total of three times – same airline, same airport, same destination. THREE TIMES I’ve put locks on my luggage and left them unlocked as instructed so they could search my bags & lock them when they were done. THREE TIMES they failed to lock the !@#$ing locks. FOUR TIMES they lost my locks (yes, four: two zippers on my suitcase – guess I was lucky the other two times).

    I sent an email the last time and was asked to call a long distance number. Guess who dropped it? This girl.

  • Jennifer B says:

    I think you should sic Mimi on those airline assbags. She’ll teach ‘em a thing or two. So for the cruise, you could always road-trip it down to FL… I have a guest room you’re more than welcome to stay in so you can arrive a day (or several) early. :)

  • joann Mannix says:

    That is beyond the ludicrous. He took care of your bag all right.

    And sorry, but you don’t fit the terrorist profile. Terrorists can’t pull off cornrows.

    On a recent flight, we discovered that some douchebag took my daughter’s American Girl doll. Who the freak steals dolls?

    Gaaaa! I hate airlines. I do. I do. I do.

    • Melissa says:

      Someone who is too cheap to BUY his kid an American Girl Doll. I wonder how he explained the no box thing to her?

      He deserves to be sentenced to taking an entire group of 2nd graders to the American Girl Doll STORE for an entire DAY of tea parties. And buy them everything they ask for!

  • Ooooh, I am fuming right now, and it’s not even my stuff. Kick some ass!!!!!!!

  • Sam says:

    Dude, down with the Man! The Man sucks, and The Man doesn’t have to worry about facial lotion either – because let’s face it, he probably doesn’t worry about moisturizer, nor does he exfoliate. He’s all stubbly, and up smoking stinking cigars all night (probably Cuban) thinking up ways to pester ordinary Average Law Abiders. Screw him.

  • pattypunker says:

    flying is like an ass rape.

    those cornrows are a 10 though!

  • robert says:

    Bastards!!!

    So between the great iPod-facecream/salon shit heist and the United Breaks Guitars http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YGc4zOqozo episode, how can I be sure I won’t end up having to spend the entire cruise butt naked?

  • Rebecca says:

    Pick your favorite and always ALWAYS have everything shipped to your destination. Weather it’s on the way to your vacation destination or on your way home…always have it all shipped. It’s not all that expensive (with airlines charging these days anyway). UPS, FedEx, DSL…whichever has the bestest looking shippers, right?

  • So nobody noticed the incredible lightness of being your suitcase when they lifted it off the turnstile? AKA your husband thought, “geesh, she packed light this trip!”

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    I vote for pictures of your bags as you pack them so it’s all documented.

    Your luck flying is as bad as one of my friend’s luck with car wrecks. She has had 4 cars totaled and not one of the wrecks was her fault.

  • Manda says:

    I haven’t been on an airplane since I got stuck in Phlidelphia International, waiting to find out if I had a seat to Cleveland, because the previous flight had been cancelled. Philidelphia airport is basically built like a 6 fingered hand, with the thumb being concourse F…or, as I affectionately refer to it, concourse Fuck You. I got off a plane on concourse A and had 15 minutes to get to concourse Fuck You. That’s a long walk, dude. And the guy at the gate was trying to convince anyone who walked by that they wanted to go to Cleveland, because he was a dickwad and he didn’t want me to get on the plane.

  • Minipeds says:

    I have zero respect for the airlines after my luggage coming from an Italy-by-way-of-Spain-layover flight was lost for an entire summer(!) and when I recently got through the security gate with (I SWEAR TO GOD! I forgot they were in my purse! I live in MurdaCap New Orleans! A girl’s gotta protect herself!) a big credit-card shaped knife (http://www.deathvalleymag.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Tekna-Security-Card-1.jpg) and a 800,000 volt mini-stun gun. I didn’t realize it ’til after the wedding I attended when I was re-packing my things for the flight home. You can imagine my peals of genuinely horrified laughter at what I’d gotten away with…

  • April says:

    That totally sucks – it was probably the baggage people that gave you the flu, too.

    On our last cruise we came home missing a bag that had been checked and then got “lost” per the airline. 10 days later the suitcase was returned to us. It looked like someone had opened up the suitcase, taken all out shit out, laid it all on the ground and ran over it with a lawn mower. The really fucked up part of it all was that when we got the suitcase back the OUTSIDE of it was cover in mailing tape (I assume in an attempt to “close” the holes) and all of the clothes had been neatly folded and placed back inside. When I inquired as to what, exactly, had happened to the bag I was told that “the condition in which it was returned is identical to that as when we received it”. Guess that’ll teach me to let Freddy fucking Kruger pack my luggage again.

  • That sucks! I am so sorry!!

    I think I will jet pack around like the guy from the Quaker Oatmeal commercial.

  • Patti says:

    This may have already been said, but honestly, I’m too damn tired to read through all the comments. Though i should because they are always great on your blog…

    … but I digress.

    There are locks that are TSA approved. Which means they have the letters “TSA” by the keyhole. These are locks to which the TSA has “master” keys. We don’t keep our luggage unlocked, but use these instead. In theory, the TSA unlocks, looks (prolly pilfers) and then locks them up again. We have not had a problem yet (knock some wood cuz I just totally fucked myself over) and being Canadian, I’m sure the fuckers must know we’re going to smuggle huge amounts of cool stuff home from the US and they’re stupid not to look through the bags.

    Sorry about your face cream. Hope it gives the assholes a permanent rash.

  • mumma boo says:

    I hope the items they stole give them itchy, burning hives all over their thieving bodies. I haven’t been on a plane in 10 years. I can only imagine the stress and horrors that await me when I decide it’s time to embark on a vacation longer than 5 hours driving distance. It’ll be like losing my airline travel virginity all over again. Hopefully it will be for the flight to join you on the cruise, and then you can hold my hand and ply me with drinks while we search for the she-mullet, so I can forget the douchery that is Logan Airport, at least until I have to get on the flight home.

  • sarah says:

    That is one of my favorite pictures of anyone ever. Not many people can pull off cornrows, but you, my friend, can.

  • linlah says:

    I lost luggage on flight from Denver to LA once and NEVER got it back. That bag had all the Christmas presents I had received.

  • I had a great, pithy comment all ready — but then I was mesmerized by those AWESOME corn rows. Wowzers.

  • Here is my solution for baggage if I’m going to fly anywhere which I’m never fucking going to do. I will pack everything I need and FedEx it to the destination. Conversely (isn’t that a cool word and it makes me look all smart and shit so I’ll use it again) Conversely, upon my return, I’ll pack the stuff I brought and all the new crap I bought and FedEx it back home. Voila! Problem solved. Plus I know FedEx will never rob me because the driver’s always bring my dog cookies and no robbing douchebag would do that.

    Any other problems you need solved?

    Love the corn rolls.

  • TeacherMommy says:

    I’ve tagged you in a meme.

    You get to be grumpy.

    You’re welcome.

    http://diapersanddragons.blogspot.com/2010/05/ive-got-them-under-my-skin-kind-of-like.html

    –TM

  • Sharon says:

    Up to now, my luggage issue is the overhead bin space freakout at the beginning of every flight, which makes me feel stabby: “Why can’t these assholes just pack a legal carry-on like I DID so there’d be room for everybody’s shit.” After reading this, I get it. And I am suitably chastened. Fellow travellers, I shall never judge your carry-on ever again.

  • Angie says:

    Dear Aunt Becky, this is not relevant to this post specifically, but I thought I should tell you. Ready? Get a Kleenex.
    True confessions time: I am so grateful for your blog. It alternately cracks me up and tells me stuff I need to hear. So…just keep writing, ‘k? And could you just put one tiny kiss on the curls of The Bruiser for me (when she’s completely, deeply, little-kid-comatose asleep, of course)?
    I’m sure I don’t say it often enough, but you do get me through some dim spots, woman. Thank you. Love,
    Angie at Eat Here

  • Alexandra says:

    Kid yourself no more, the harrassment is due to you being devastatingly sexy.

  • Becca says:

    Well that just blows!!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I like to comfort myself that they probably have miserable lives and while I’m not always HAPPY, I’m not miserable, either. It doesn’t help much. It will.

  • YourNewAdoptedMOM says:

    That REALLY sucks! Maybe you can appeal to the spa folks for selling you suspicious “explosive” facecream…I hope you get some compensation from the airlines. Our cruise was too much fun to be ruined by your flight home… ;-)

  • pam-tastic says:

    OK…here’s the plan from now on… Start keeping our really expensive bottles of hair and makeup products from home once they’re empty. THEN when we fly somewhere, put crushed up poison ivy in some cheap ass lotion and put it in the empty bottle…THAT will be the stuff they steal! Maybe after one or two full on body rashes they’ll quit stealing our shit!

    I’m totally doing it next time I fly…

  • panamahat says:

    ok, THAT sucks balls. Not a nice way to end a trip. So sorry. %$#@!! airline companies…

  • Ami says:

    *Note: I’m sure somebody else already said this but I’m too lazy to check and in case they DIDN’T say this now you know*

    You can get TSA approved locks for your luggage! Just check when you buy them to make sure they’ve got TSA stamped on ‘em somewheres. Then TSA has a secret ninja master skeleton key so they can get into your bags and leave their little calling card and it does help to deter Mr. “I do my christmas shoppin in your luggage”. And TSA the only ones that are allowed in ur luggage so if somebody chops your lock and you don’t have a “TSA Wuz Heer” sign sayin you had a Non-TSA lock so they had to chop it for fun, then you have the airline bang to rights.

    I got my last batch of said locks from Target…

  • Sabreena says:

    I hate flying too. I have the whole TSA rape problem you described. I am always pulled out of line and searched. They did it once when I was 7 months pregnant and my husband had to keep telling me to calm down because I was not up for any TSA sexy time. As for the stealing, that is low and the airlines should do more about that. If you hire thieves then it’s your problem when they take things. We fly Southwest all of the time and though people bag on them they don’t charge for the first 2 checked bags and they have never lost our luggage.

    I am really sorry about your stolen goodies and I totally understand. My husband was yelling at his broke ass money begging sister the day before Mother’s Day and forgot to lock our car which happened to be housing my 200 dollar Mother’s Day bracelet from Swarvoski. Wouldn’t you know that was the night someone came by and got into the car and took my gift leaving us feeling violated AND stupid because we left it open. I hate thieves, they are losers who will get theirs in the end because Karma is a bitch (not much solace at the time your stuff is taken though).

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      In a couple months, I will totally take solace in that, but now, I’m Furious George. And I plan to haughtily NEVER fly American Airlines again. I’m sure they will TOTALLY not notice, but it will make a difference to me.

  • katrina says:

    You totally rock it with your cornrows!!! Really!

    Also, ‘Pam-tastic’ had a great idea, I’m doing it next time i fly…..fill up lotion bottles with poison ivy, and other fun stuff…..give it to those fuckin thieves…tsa (totally stupid assholes).

  • First of all, stop carrying rough cut diamonds in your suitcase. Problem solved.

  • tryingin2007 says:

    cornrows and lily pulitzer – Brilliant!

    (yeah. flying sucks these days. we recently flew with a toddler and the airline seated us in 3 completely different parts of the plane. ummm. how is a 20 month old going to open and operate the emergency exit? she’s only just mastered the sippy cup and the word “hi.”)

  • Amanda says:

    God damn that sucks. Yes, indeed, they have a we-fucked-with-your-bags-and-took-shit-we-like department. Unfortunately US Scareways has one of those too. I had a $1800 laptop get snatched. Fortunately I was able to get them to pay me for it. I hope you have some luck dealing with the fuckers and that you are able to get at least something for your troubles.

  • Kendra says:

    That is utter insanity. My husband is completely anti-flying (scared to fly, not morally opposed or something), so we’ve only flown once in the last ten years. But between the ridiculous hoops you have to jump through to actually get on the plane, then the likelihood that something will go wrong, I don’t know why anyone bothers.

    Is anyone else seriously disturbed that the airline has an entire department devoted to theft by its employees?

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