For simplicity’s sake, I tell people that Becky is my college roommate. This is not entirely true, as she lived two doors down from me, but she might as well have lived in my room, seeing as how SHE SPENT PRACTICALLY EVERY WAKING MOMENT STEALING OUR BEER (ed note: I do not like beer. Rum, yes, I stole your rum, Pashmina. And your vodka. And your whiskey. And it was TASTEE). YES YOU, BECKY.

We have been friends for 10 years. It would have been, in fact, 10 years ago this fall that I was all, “Can I smoke in here?” and Becky was all “sure!” and her roommate was all, “SMOKING IS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DIIIIIIIIIIE.” So, it’s true that I’ve known Becky a long time.

It is also true (she denies this) that when we get together, your Aunt Becky and I suffer from revertigo. This is to say that when we get together, we behave like the 19 year olds we once were, which is to say that our collective average age when we get together is about 12. Dick and fart jokes are the norm, and whenever Bones and I leave an afternoon with Becky, he lovingly tells me, “You guys are fucking ridiculous.” It’s true. I am.

It would not surprise you, then, to learn that for our wedding, Becky made a check out to us and wrote in the memo “Butt Sex.” It certainly didn’t surprise ME, and Bones and I got a good chuckle out of it when, a couple days after the wedding, we went through our gifts so that we could deposit any money before going on our honeymoon.

I slipped the check into the pile, deposited it, and Bones and I spent a week in the Caribbean. (ed note: Bitch)

When we came back, I had a letter from the bank. I opened it, and it contained three things:
1. A notice of error that said (and I quote) “Check Enclosed, Not Listed. Account Debited.”
2. A copy of the deposit slip
3. A copy of a check from your very own Aunt Becky, for Butt Sex.

Being that the whole thing was cryptic and confusing, I called the bank for an explanation. They told me I would have to go into the particular branch where we had made the deposit, since they didn’t quite understand either.

Not thinking anything of it at the time, I put “Bank” on my list of errands and headed over. Whatevs. I walked up to the teller, explained my confusion politely, and asked if he could provide me an explanation. He guessed at something. I asked a follow-up question. He called over his manager.

His manager came over to the teller window, looked at the documents and said–louder than she needed to–“OMG, who wrote you a check for butt sex?!”

The bank stopped for a split second and then erupted in peals of laughter around me. Me, I was caught between wanting to fall over laughing and being totally irritated that THE CHECK THEY PULLED OUT HAPPENED TO HAVE THE WORDS ‘BUTT SEX’ on it. There were several other checks for identical amounts, but no, the bank and to pull THAT ONE for me. Thanks, Bank. Thanks for making me explain that my college roommate decided that this would be a hilarious thing to do. I mean, it’s one thing when she writes me thank you notes that read “Dear Aunt P, Thank you so much for the Beer and Crack Whore money you gave Alex for his 2nd Birthday.” It’s totally another to have to take a check for Butt Sex to a business.

I explained that my college roommate had a sense of humor, in a way that implied that I didn’t while the bank continued to laugh around me.

Said the Teller, “Do you think maybe they didn’t deposit it because it said– because of the memo line?” (by now, the stern-faced, Chicago-bred security guard was smiling)

Manager, “Um, let me call corporate and ask.”

aw, fuck.

So, I took a seat and waited while the manager called the corporate headquarters and explained the situation and my confusion. Then I heard her say clearly, “Oh! Yes, it is Paisana!” She pulled the phone away from her mouth and said to me, “He remembers you!”

Oooof course he does.

A few more minutes with corporate–and several tellers who had to explain to the PEOPLE DRIVING THROUGH THE DRIVE UP WHY THEY WERE LAUGHING–later, the manager called me back over to her desk to explain to me what corporate had told her, assuring me the whole time that no, corporate had not rejected the check for Butt Sex. She was very happy to use the words “butt sex” freely, too, and every time she said it, the security guard got a chuckle and EVERYONE IN LINE looked my direction with a “WTF?” expression.

She then explained to me that my error had been in addition (I had added the check twice) and we went through the deposit slip line by line until I was satisfied that my bad math–and not bank error–was at play. I thanked her for the explanation and she said to me, “Tell your friend she’s funny!”

She’ll appreciate that.

55 thoughts on “Pashmina Strikes Back

  1. So funny.

    Working in a bank has it’s moments…I like when people come to argue overdraft fees due to their sex store purchases, or dirty magazine subscriptions. “Well sir, when you went to Romantics, you only had $10.29 in your account, so when you had this purchase for $49.95 come through, it caused your account to overdraft…” Um, uncomfortable, maybe a bit.

    Do the people arguing feel embarrassed? Because THIS would make me a little blushy.

  2. That is the BEST bank story I have ever heard. Thanks for the laughs! You think if I write “”Crack & Sex” in the memo line of my nephews Birthday check his parents will appreciate the joke?

    That’s pretty much what I thanked Pashmina for after Alex’s party. Not sure if SHE thought it was funny, but I did.

  3. Dude, I am so putting that on the memo line when I pay the next electric bill. Appropriate, since they give it to me up the butt, right? Thanks for the laugh today – I really needed it!

    Oooh! Good CALL!

  4. My maiden name was Rincon (Spanish- meaning, “corner”) and I dated a guy once who thought it would be hilarious to mail me a letter from New Orleans with my last name spelled “Rimjob.”Only, he neglected to put the proper postage on the envelope. So, I got a little collection envelope from my mail carrier, asking for the remaining postage, and yep, it also said “Rimjob.” I bet that mail carrier was thinking that was the worst last name since Woodcock.

  5. I love this version of the story better – it contains the people in the drive thru laughing! Aunt Becky you had no idea your words could bring joy to so many did you?

    This was the perfect crime, because I never could have expected this result. EVER.

  6. Paisana, It’s a rare, rare woman who will take it up the pooper AND take a check. Also I hope the check was for a decent amount so the entire banking industry doesn’t think you’re a CHEAP whore.
    Too damn funny.

    Ha! Right?

  7. Bwahh ha hahahhahahahahahahaaaaaaa

    You know, Aunt Becky, I came here today BECAUSE I needed something to make me laugh, and I knew you would not disappoint me.

    Thanks.

  8. “Paisana, It’s a rare, rare woman who will take it up the pooper AND take a check. Also I hope the check was for a decent amount so the entire banking industry doesn’t think you’re a CHEAP whore.”

    Case and point. Your fans are AWESOME.

  9. That’s too impossibly awesome – from both of your perspectives. You have to wonder what the deal is with the manager, gleefully throwing “butt sex” into every possible sentence and “Paisana”?! It’s like they thought Pashmina was an underground gangster butt sex girl or something.

  10. You guys have a great friendship that will last forever. I stopped by a friends house Tuesday to pick up something last minute. We have been friends since the 7th grade….which means….32 years…..gawd I’m old….anyway, being the hot sexy 45 year old women that we are, when she got home from work she did what I always do…she took off her bra the minute she stepped in the house. So I stop by but really have no idea that she is running around braless. I was there a half hour or so and when I went to leave we were standing in her driveway and she says “I’m going to hug you even though I’m not wearing a bra.” We proceeded to hug by rubbing our chests together right there in her driveway for all the neighbors to see. I’m sure they are still applying eyedrops trying to ease the burning……We will never grow up….

  11. I want you to send me a check for one million dollars (I won’t cash it), just so I can have a Butt Sex check. Or whatever ele you come up with.

    Plus I’m going to have to try this on my best friend. I have no reason to send her money. Hmmmm, maybe a greeting card or something.

  12. I am going to start putting “butt sex” in the memo line of my (very Catholic) yoga teacher’s checks I write to her for classes. She will NEVER cash them! Ever!

  13. This is why I will never accept a check from my BFF. Writing them TO her on the other hand…all bets are off. Maybe I’ll send her a card for her God-daughter’s birthday with “because I got knocked up” check…

  14. Didn’t know whether to respond here or in the last post, but I had to add my appreciation! I love your sense of humor, and I love that the bank people had one too!

    I always put something funny in the checks I make out to my husband too. (He pays the bills and I just pay him a portion so I don’t have to bother with them.) I have written “sexual favors”, “bedroom antics” and “intimate massage” to name a few. So far we haven’t had anyone mention it!

  15. Even at the lateness of the hour you guys still manage to make me giggle. I love it. I really should make a point of starting my day reading this instead of ending it with you. Maybe I would have a better day?

    It can’t hurt 😉

  16. LOVE IT!

    I have always put snarky comments in the memo section.

    When my car got towed I put “Highway Robbery”
    When I got my water heater fixed ($350) I put “Overpriced Repair”
    I have always wanted someone to comment about it…but they never do. I imagine “butt sex” would do it!
    This actually makes me want to start writing checks again!

    NOW I’m just annoyed I didn’t think to do this when I had my tree trimmed earlier in the week. Think of the possibilities! They go on and on and on!

  17. Sadly, the only checks I write these days are for the kids’ stuff. I’m pretty sure writing Butt Sex in the memo line for pre-school would get us kicked out. Phooey.

    Uh Yeah. Don’t do that. And if you do, I do not know you.

  18. *dies laughing* I’ve had friends write me checks for “sexual favors” before but never, ever had anything this awesome happen to me. Thank you so much for sharing this.

    1. Wait… are they legitimately writing the checks for your sexual favors? You mention nothing about the memo line!!

      Just teasin’.

      Also, that was hard, I am used to cheque and favours. Us Canadians have to make it more difficult.

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