Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Paint By Numbers With Vodka


7: cans of paint bought in the last 2 weeks

9,284: cans of half-used paint found in my basement, all of questionable color and/or origin

2: light fixtures bought in last two weeks

2: light fixtures that need to be disposed of in such a way that NO ONE will ever know they came from my house.

1: little girl who is determined she will be a “big three” as opposed to a “little three.”

0: times that has made sense to me.

15: bags of lollipops purchased to make topiary trees.

10: times I was given the stink-eye by the cashier who is probably suspecting that I have a hoarding problem and is therefore looking for evidence of dead cats somewhere on my person.

0: dead cats in my house.

0: percent certainty this is, in fact, true.

12: cupcakes eaten to fuel the sugar-rush that this level of cleaning and renovation requires.

36: cookies needed to back up the cupcake sugar rush

9: number of wrong cuts made by The Guy On My Couch while replacing mouldings

13: length in feet of wasted moulding caused by those cuts

2: people who think it’s hilarious that he can’t remember which way the angle goes on some of those cuts

0: times I have believed that “moulding” is a real word.

1,028,928,002: times I have been certain that “logicate” is a real word.

30,000: number of people who are probably showing up at my house this weekend.

30,000: number of people who are probably going to criticize my bad taste in decor and/or inability to make my house look like a magazine.

30,000: number of people who I will try to pawn aforementioned light fixtures off upon.

0: times I have understood why boob lights are all the rage.

0: boob lights currently owned by me.

0: other types of ceiling lights available for those of us who do not want to think, “HOLY FUCKBALLS, CHECK OUT THAT BOOB ON MY CEILING!” every morning.

9,726,043: minutes I have spent trying to understand boob lights.

Your turn, Pranksters. Pull up a nice glass of vodka and tell Your Aunt Becky what is going on with YOU today.

51 Comments to

“Paint By Numbers With Vodka”

  1. On January 24th, 2012 at 11:50 am Virginia Says:

    My work builds the interiors to tour buses. A commonly used light in our buses looks like a breast implant. Enough that every guy at work tells me to order them some “boobs” or “implants”…yeah…

  2. On January 24th, 2012 at 12:21 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


  3. On January 24th, 2012 at 11:53 am Beth Says:

    Nothing followed by some not doing shit. No, sadly, I’m at work and trying to design a logo for a religious student organization. Which anyone who knows me knows is, um… it’s an… INTERESTING fit. To say the least.

    God help us all.

  4. On January 24th, 2012 at 12:13 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahaha! I love you.

  5. On January 24th, 2012 at 11:54 am silvertrish Says:

    Boob lights make me laugh. I have never laughed as hard as I did when I was working in the hardware store, and we had a sale on “twin pack” boob lights. the picture on the box made it so obvious that they were boobs.

  6. On January 24th, 2012 at 12:16 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. PLEASE tell me you have a snap of it.

  7. On January 25th, 2012 at 12:17 pm silvertrish Says:

    sadly no… it was a few years ago…

  8. On January 24th, 2012 at 11:56 am Mayor Gia Says:

    Hahah. I also own 0 boob lights.
    My day?
    1: Sticky note placed inside my box of food to warn my roommate not to drunk eat it. We’ll see how it goes.

  9. On January 24th, 2012 at 12:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha. Do you think he’ll listen?

  10. On January 24th, 2012 at 9:30 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    Nope. Drunk eating is a force to be reckoned with.

  11. On January 24th, 2012 at 11:58 am Marie Says:

    I can’t find my fucking purse. Anywhere. I’m in deep shit. In our condo, which we own but rent out because we bought it before everything crashed and owe a fuck ton of money on, I picked out these great lights. Hubby sells electrical stuff for a living. He puts them up and lo and behold: boobs. Then, when our son was 2.5, he looks up, points and says BOOBS! Yeah. Klassy.

  12. On January 24th, 2012 at 12:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh fuck. BWAHAHAHA. Your kid rules.

  13. On January 24th, 2012 at 11:58 am Lovely Simulacrum Says:

    Boob lights! My office actually has boob lights on the wall (not the ceiling), with two side by side so they really do look like boobs. I’m going to have to sneak a photo sometime… it makes you feel dirty as you wait for the elevator.

  14. On January 24th, 2012 at 12:18 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I really, really need this picture.

  15. On January 24th, 2012 at 12:04 pm Irant Says:

    Amy just redid our bedroom – deep sixed the boob lights. What am I to caress now?


  16. On January 24th, 2012 at 12:18 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Well damns. I can send you my fug chandelier if it makes you feel better.

  17. On January 24th, 2012 at 12:10 pm Just Me Says:

    I love boob lights. I mean really, they look like boobs, except they never sag when you get, like, really old. Or after you have 3 kids suck the firm out of them. Not that kids suck on boob lights, of course. But only because they are on the ceiling. The lights, not the kids. If the kids were on the ceiling, they would probably suck on boob lights because kids put everything in their mouths.

    And why am I now contemplating ways to put kids on ceilings? Would velcro work?

  18. On January 24th, 2012 at 12:18 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m thinking colored duct tape. Not because the color is necessary, but because it adds a bonus kick to it.

  19. On January 24th, 2012 at 12:31 pm Just Me Says:

    Especially if the duct tape is purple. You are clearly a genius.

  20. On January 24th, 2012 at 12:20 pm Kristin Says:

    I’m sitting on my ass, feeling kind of cruddy, with two sick kids. On the plus side, there is some delish Lemon Chocolate Chip Pound cake sitting on my counter.

  21. On January 24th, 2012 at 12:21 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    OMG. Need some NAO.

  22. On January 24th, 2012 at 12:24 pm kelli Says:

    3: Average number of hours I sleep each night
    24: average number of hours I am at work per week
    17: number of hours I am physically in class each week
    88: number of hours I am expected to study and do homework
    0: percent chance I will recieve a raise at work
    12,356: number of books I want to read
    3,456: number of books I must read
    0: number of books that overlap the two categories
    4: months until I graduate
    3: weeks until I find out if I am accepted to grad school

    And that is my life right now

  23. On January 24th, 2012 at 12:24 pm Jennifer Says:

    1: the number of two year old girls in my house with pneumonia
    1,000,000: the number of fucking episodes of Dora the Bitch Ass Explorer I have watched today
    12:30 = nap time! Woot!!!
    0: boob lights on my house – all recess

  24. On January 24th, 2012 at 1:11 pm nikkiana Says:

    I’m trying to decide whether they ought to be called boob lights or nipple lights…. I suppose they really are more of a boob, but I like saying nipple better. NIPPLE! NIPPLE!

  25. On January 24th, 2012 at 1:14 pm Kori Says:

    no boob lights here. it took me a minute to even see what you were talking about. i am waiting to see if my son comes home today.

  26. On January 24th, 2012 at 1:41 pm Caroline Says:

    Things I say I will do when I get home:
    -Do the dishes
    -clean bathroom
    -give love to cat
    (all of it sobber)
    Things I know I will end up doing when I get home:
    -Tell cat to shut his whore mouth
    -Look at the dishes and say “haaaa I’ll do it tomorrow”
    -Forget the very existence of the vacuum cleaner
    -shower with my eyes closed
    -sit on the couch with my laptop or the remote
    (all of it pretty tipsy because obviously the half bottle of wine in my fridge needs to be drunk……tonight).

  27. On January 24th, 2012 at 1:57 pm Grace Says:

    I have a shit ton of stuff I need to get done today. So far, I’ve managed to accomplish ONE thing on my list. I’m using “the baby is napping” as my excuse to skip a bunch of things I need to do. When he wakes up, I’m going to do the one thing my hubby will kill me if I DON’T do, and then I’m going to go buy haircolor and a puzzle. Ya know… so I have more things to do instead of getting all the crap on my list done.

  28. On January 24th, 2012 at 2:37 pm JTook Says:

    Not to make you jealous or anything. But the boob light in my bedroom has tassels. #justsayin

  29. On January 24th, 2012 at 3:11 pm Angie Uncovered Says:

    Having just installed boob lights last year I can safely say that I have never been happier. Mine are more cream colored and not quite as augmented looking… a little more natural boob if you will. I mean they aren’t all droopy or anything… just um… not as firm? I mean they are firm… but not a full? LOL boob lights.

  30. On January 24th, 2012 at 3:26 pm Nellie Vaughn Says:

    0: Invites to awesome candy party. 🙁

  31. On January 24th, 2012 at 3:37 pm Weekly Joy Says:

    First of all, I thought the paint by numbers with vodka was an homage to Willy Wonka and you decided to make lickable wallpaper for your party! Which would be awesome and I would totaly fly in for the party if you had vodka fruit flavored lickable wallpaper!!

    And as for what I’m up to today? Getting fingerprinted…

  32. On January 24th, 2012 at 3:51 pm Mrs. One Day Says:

    I can’t get past the boob light thing. Hahaha! I’m now inspecting all of my ceiling lamps for boobage. Phew! I’m in the clear…they’re all round. Omg…I have ball lamps. Great. Big. Round. Balls on the ceiling. Is that worse than boobs? Ugh.

  33. On January 24th, 2012 at 4:06 pm Amelia Says:

    I absolutely want pictures, I LOVED the purple room.
    We own about 50 bazzillion boob lights, which I am not surprised about because my husband picked them out.
    I was going to say I needed a The Guy On My Couch to do shit around my house till I read he was doing shit all wrong. Never mind Guy, I’m good.

  34. On January 24th, 2012 at 5:08 pm Susan Faris Says:

    just sayin’

  35. On January 24th, 2012 at 7:00 pm Insomniac Mom Says:

    I love this post – this morning it was super foggy and I live on a dairy farm. There are two silos side by side and the first thing that came to mind was BOOBIES. Unfortunately, I did not have my good camera with me. Hopefully tomorrow morning conditions will be similar so I can share my boob silos.

  36. On January 24th, 2012 at 7:29 pm melanie Says:

    I hate boob lights! We just put up some super cool flexible track lighting, it was a bitch to get the pattern figured out that we wanted and transfer that to the ceiling but I think its a huge step up from the old lights we had!

  37. On January 24th, 2012 at 7:34 pm melanie Says:

    oh and PS, I am on my 4th can of paint in 2 weeks… there is just something about January, last Jan it was the dining room that got a redo, this week is the kitchen’s turn, we painted Sherwin WIlliams Granite Peak and that led to the white cabinets needed repainting *forehead slap*

  38. On January 24th, 2012 at 9:33 pm Tracy Says:

    I am convinced that it takes at least 7 years of higher education and a doctorate to cut a proper angle on a moulding.

    Hilarious post!

  39. On January 25th, 2012 at 12:19 am Paul Says:

    We have boob lights all over our house only, I did not know they were boob lights until now. Thank you. Now, every time I flip a switch I will think “I lit up a boob.” it’s a new superpower.

  40. On January 25th, 2012 at 2:18 am Devan Says:

    4: Number of hours of sleep I got yesterday
    20: Number of hours I was up
    infinity: How good I am at math

    Love you AB!

  41. On January 25th, 2012 at 7:49 am elisaveera Says:

    1: boob light staring at me right now. Wait, can boobs stare? What a creepy thought.

  42. On January 25th, 2012 at 9:48 am Tricia Says:

    I would prefer boob lights to the end tables my husband had before we started dating. The design carved into the legs of them looked like an endless loop of vaginas.

    P.S. I know I am probably a few years late but who is the guy on your couch?

  43. On January 27th, 2012 at 4:59 am Devan Says:

    Her husband, the Daver.

  44. On January 27th, 2012 at 10:06 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    My friend Ben. Daver is also in the house.

  45. On January 25th, 2012 at 10:23 am Deb Menard Says:

    Dude I live in an apartment that has no – READ = ZERO, ZIP, NONE AT ALL – lights on the ceilings. One of those things you take for granted and don’t look for when checking out apartments. That and apparently kitchen drawers. No joke. There are NONE of those either. When we were unpacking and that reality dawned on me I, of course, bitched like only I can do and used one or two profanities. My husband was all like “Well you should have thought about those things before we moved in.” SERIOUSLY?!?!? Who thinks they need to look for the presence of kitchen drawers??? Where the fuck am I supposed to put SILVERWARE?!?!

    Oh my God, thank you for letting me get that off my chest. I just saved a ton in therapy bills.

  46. On January 25th, 2012 at 11:03 am Christine Says:

    Just got new light fixtures here as well…no boob lights, thankfully! And if people are going to judge your house, you can just judge the hell out of them right back for judging you. I bet their house has at LEAST one boob light in it.

  47. On January 25th, 2012 at 1:17 pm Marta Says:

    I am so confused by these boob lights you speak of. Am i not seeing the boob in the picture? What is wrong with me?

    Things going on with me:
    3 days until my birthday
    7 hours of driving to Chicago
    2 grumpy bored children
    1 Mother filling her belly with McDonalds and Coke to make the time pass faster.

  48. On January 25th, 2012 at 8:30 pm Annie Says:

    Love boob lights. Who needs a swanky chandelier when you can have a boob on a dimmer (or not.) Funny post.

  49. On January 25th, 2012 at 8:30 pm Caaaaarbs! Says:

    After a delightfully long day with my two year old, filled with extreme highs and lows, I’m finally sitting down to the following:
    Mint chocolate chip gelato
    Italian lemon soda
    Pizza bagel things

  50. On January 26th, 2012 at 8:05 am Di Says:

    3: fairly boob-ish light fixtures (the cheapest ones!) that are still waiting to be installed at my house
    89, 342: tools and odds-and-ends my husband organized this week for the first time in 3 years so that our laundry room functions
    0: lollipops in my house (WHY??)
    1: brand new ukulele for ME!
    It’s a banner week.

  51. On February 2nd, 2012 at 11:21 pm CycleNinja Says:

    I have three boob lights in my house. Which makes me the Martian hooker from “Total Recall” of interior design.

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