*You know what’s bullshit? When people are all, “oh, well, that’s a pain in the….(pause) neck” instead of saying, “ass” or “taco” or “motherfucking asshole” or something. I’m a big fan of profanity. You might even say that I’m profanity’s number one fan. I could wear a Number 1 Finger for Profanity every day. Even if it’s not actually a swear word. Like “pube” or “crotch” which can be totally used in swear form, even if it’s not a swear word.

Aunt Becky + Profanity = BFFFFFFFF!

So, it grieves me to title a post “Pain in the Neck” because it looks like I’m trying to say something else.

I’m not.

For months, I’ve had a pain in my neck. It’s not like a TUMOR or like a little person living there or something, my neck just fucking hurt, and because I’m a responsible person, I ignored the shit out of it. I ignored it until I couldn’t, and finally, I went to the doctor. I hate going to the doctor almost as much as I hate cream-based condiments, and so I’m all *slink-slink* “my neck huuuuuurts” and when he said, “what did you do to injure it?” it was all I could do to not say something juvenile.

I refrained. I snickered, but refrained.

So he prodded my neck and was impressed by the spasms he felt. I felt impressed that he was impressed. I give good “spasms,” I guess. Then he gave me muscle relaxants, I nearly tongued him because by this point, I was in so much pain that I would have licked the toilet clean if it meant that it would stop hurting. I practically chewed the tabs after I got them and when I had no relief, I actually did cry (you shut your whore mouth. I can cry in pain, Pranksters) because it had hurt so much for so long and HOLY FUCK MAKE IT STOP.

I was back at the doctor within a week. This time, he prescribed Physical Therapy (in capitol letters).

I was Not Happy (in capitol letters).

Now, I know there are people that swear by Physical Therapy, and I’m sure they have had great experiences. That’s fabulous. PT is awesome for people who are going through rehab for actual injuries, trauma, you know, people who have a need to have P motherfucking T. Unlike me. I still don’t fucking know what I did to myself. It’s not like I was rescuing a basketful of cute kittens from a burning building or something.

My beef with Physical Therapy is this: I like stuff that doesn’t take me six motherfucking months to see results. I was in pain NOW, therefore I want relief, well, NOW. But the doc was convinced that therapy was where it’s at, so I left with my orders, and I promptly abandoned them at home. For a week. Until the pain was bad enough that I was all, ‘FINE, YOU WIN, PHYSICAL THERAPY.’

Turns out, this Physical Therapy shit isn’t so bad. Looks like I might have some “muscle spams” from being “unable to relax” or something.

The worst part is actually the massages. I know, I’m like the only person on the planet that hates massages, but I tell you, I hate to relax. Genuinely, I have issues with it. Laying face down on a table with my head in what appears to be a vagina isn’t my idea of a great way to spend the morning. I’d rather work. Or work out. Or uh, feed the homeless. OR ANYTHING ELSE.

This is not my massage table. But I had to show you the Vagina/Head Hole and why I find it incredibly dangerous (also: why I should never, ever be allowed to alter photos):

But after the massages, I do some weird electrical thing where they stimulate my neck. I’m hoping it’ll turn my neck into a Hulk Neck. Why be dainty when you can HULK SMASH?

Either way, it turns out, it might be helping a little. I hate to admit that Physical Therapy might actually be worth something.

Even if they don’t advocate drugs. Which, hi, that’s kinda bullshit.


Dude, check out who has an ANIMATED interview up over here at Mompetition. That? Is full of the awesome.

And CHARITY is full of the awesome too. Pulling a David Cook for free Cold Stone for a year, yo.



78 thoughts on “Pain in the Neck*

  1. I Loathe Massages, Too! (In Capitol Letters) Keep your meaty hands off my muscles unless you’ve bought me several drinks and/or married me first. (I’m not picky.) Maybe if you went to PT after taking your muscle relaxants you might enjoy it more. Or not. Either way, Feel MotherFucking Better, Duder! (In Capitol Letters)

  2. Ok, I hate to disagree (not really), but massages are the bomb-diggity! I haven’t had one from a professional in about two years, and I miss the hell out of it. And I have to say, I’ve never looked at that table and thought ‘hey that looks like a vagina!’ But, again, maybe you are freakier than me, lol! 🙂

  3. I’m about to wet my pants laughing so hard at you on mompetition! That’s fucking overflowing with the Awesome! Also, massages are bullshit.

  4. Well, you’ve done it. You’ve officially done it. I now have to rank you on the list with The Bloggess of things I can’t read while I work because really? There’s only so much laughter you can cover with coughing until they either 1) figure you out or 2) think you’re dying of the bubonic plague then everyone acts… welll… as if you’ve got the bubonic plague and that’s just terribly alienating.

  5. Well I personally think you are being a sissy about the massages lady! I love massages (who doesn’t?? besides you?). I’m AWFUL at relaxing. AWFUL. I’m constantly doing something and I just don’t sit still well. But once i finally forced myself to relax and let myself enjoy a massage I was in love!!!! of course, I never thought of the hole where your face goes as a vagina hole. That might have changed things for me a little. Haha.

    1. Not the same kind of massage as a parlor with the scented candles and nobody talking. PT massages are hard core. When they ask if that hurts and you say yes they are doing it right. Then they do it harder.

  6. Oooh, we are spasm sisters! I have FIVE herniated discs in my neck, I am ALL about the PT when the spasms start. The massages suck because the PT people are masochists, but when its done? AHHHHH. And I like to turn up the amps on the electric stim thing too, maybe I am the masochist? You know what’s the BEST THING EVER? Traction. Ahh traction. If I could have a traction bed at home that didn’t cost a billion dollars I would.

    Do you turn at the waist too when people are speaking to you? Also? VALIUM is a muscle relaxer! (it’s also addictive as shit tho)

  7. I HATE BEING TOUCHED! If I were a terrorist, they would use massage on me instead of water-boarding! So I can relate. I have had E S on my neck and it was AWESOME! I didn’t want it to end and tried to convince my doctor I needed another week or month how about life time membership! Be careful, E S is totally ADDICTIVE!
    As for cursing…. I swear like a sailor and I don’t understand the hoop-la about it. They are just words people….FUCK and EFF or FRIGG mean the same thing, so what is the big deal? I curse around my kids all the time…they think FUCK is a noun, verb and adjective! Funny thing is my kids don’t swear. I guess since I do it they don’t think it is cool or naughty….so they just don’t care.

  8. I love massages! As long as they aren’t the kind where small Asians walk on your back…feet freak me out!!

    Glad it’s maybe kind of working. Hope you score some good drugs soon..ahem..I mean…I hope you feel better soon. 😉

  9. You should try a chiropractor. Must fast relief than physical therapy & their table has a strange cushioned area for your face. Not a hole. Though I admit that cracking noise when they ‘adjust’ you neck & spine is batshit freaky to hear in your head.

  10. i had to keep going for P to the T after my car accidents (yes, plural.). first time around i had mild whiplash and two herniated disks in my upper back. like under my neck. thanks. then i had a broken fucking foot, three herniated disks in my upper back, and one in my lower back. thanks again. P to the T made me happy in the pants. i like that little electrical stimulus thingamajig and would turn it up to 11. if they put it on this one spot on your upper back, it makes your arm jump. funtimes.

    ALSO. i liked acupuncture. i feel that it really helped with the neck pain and headaches i had after the accidents. if your P to the T place does not offer acupuncture, you might want to look for one. it is now covered by many insurance plans. i want to force awesome husband to go for acupuncture for his back. i’m all about releasing chi.

    go ahead, laugh. i know it sounds dirty.

    1. Chiro’s are very dangerous for people with herniated disc’s. MRI in order to rule that out if you want to go that route.

  11. You are so freaking funny. Seriously- you need to post ambien posts more often girl! 🙂 I seem to always have neck pain for the very same reason, and I had therapeutic massages/PT for three months (every week).
    OMG- that was one of the most painful things I have ever done. I love the electric shock therapy and the ultrasound. The best. I actually started at PT, and switched to a Chiro. I wouldn’t let her crack my neck so she fired me. Bitch. I refuse to the the whole neck cracking thing cause my hubby has taken care of TWO people that stroked out from carotid tears from it. Not a fan of dying and paralysis, so I stuck with the massage. 🙂

    um, I need to go grab some breakfast. I am rambling.

  12. Another one here who hates to be touched – except by my husband, my kids and my dog. If you’re not in my family and I don’t love you I don’t want you touching me for more than a moment. So no massages for me. Anyway, I’ve got chronic lower back pain and the only thing that’s ever provided significant relief is acupuncture. I spent a couple of years having chiropractic treatments and a couple of years at a physicians’ neck and back clinic where I worked on special machines with PT’s to develop core strength. Everything helped some but not enough and not consistently until I spent some money (it’s not covered by my insurance) and tried acupuncture. I had a full week without any pain after about 5 sessions – a first for me. It doesn’t help everyone, but if it helps you it’s awesome. And not all that expensive. It was a total relaxation experience, which I think helped me tremendously – I’m a type A person, grit my teeth in my sleep, constantly feel myself clenching my muscles. Like you, I had no injury, just constant pain. Anyway, going to acupuncture was like getting a re-boot for my old back. Long term pain makes you tense so I was caught in a circular pattern – stress and muscle tension causing pain which caused stress and muscle tension. So I hope your PT helps, but suggest you try acupuncture if you have the chance. If I were rich I’d go a couple of times a week for the rest of my life.

  13. I had to go back to the chiropractor, and they were some lame little boys, frankly. They want me to Continue with the Therapy Program, which I can tell you is not necessary. Crack my bones and leave me alone.

  14. I carry my stress in my shoulders. So when I get really stressed out my shoulders, and neck by extension, slay me. Only thing that helps is massages. And those little neck pillows you heat up in the microwave. I would have sex with that pillow if I could.

  15. Fuck relaxing.

    If I relax, my ass will get pregnant and who the fuck wants that.

    Don’t pick me to win the Whore Awesome Shirt give away cause Imma buy it for my brother anyhow.

    When I explained to him what donor eggs were, how it all worked and how much it costs, he said, “You want a baby that bad?”

    Shut your whore mouth.

  16. Fuck relaxing.

    If I relax, my ass will get pregnant and who the fuck wants that.

    Don’t pick me to win the Whore Awesome Shirt give away cause Imma buy it for my brother anyhow.

    When I explained to him what donor eggs were, how it all worked and how much it costs, he said, “You want a baby that bad?”

    Shut your whore mouth.

  17. Shitballs. Why does my phone always post twice.

    I wont do it anymore.

    Plus I left my damn comment on the wrong scene for that awesome shirt I am gonna shove up my brother’s arse. With love. He is a good egg.

  18. I too am a fan of the swearing. i do often and I do it proud. Until my kids repeat after me. Then I have to keep it in check cause people look at you all like oooohhhh what a bad parent you are your kids said fuck. Assholes need to mind their own biznass.

    Anywho I am a fan of the massage myself, while I hate being touched, I am just a contradiction in terms. But I have never seen the Vagina face hole. Now next time I get a massage that’s all I’ll see.

  19. Sorry but your pain has me peeing my pants. I don’t care for massages either. Now pedicures are a different story and scalp massages. When they shampoo my hair at the salon and touch a certain point at the back of my head…well lets just say if I was a guy, I would need a really big notebook to carry in the front.

  20. “I hate to relax.”

    there’s your pain in the ass neck pain right there. mmhmm (I said that like Hank Hill) I tell ya what.

    I’m thinkin’ you need some healin’. some…sexual healin’? oh yeah. that’ll make you relax.

  21. dude, i HATE massages too. when my neck got tweaked and i had to see the dr for it, he suggested massage (ew), acupunture (ew, needles) or chiropractor. the chiro set me straight (heh) and my neck/back/arm rarely cause me pain. and when they do, i get that motherfucker to straighten me out again.

  22. I feel your pain! I have the same problem with my neck and eat muscle relaxers like candy until it subsides enough for me to be able to semi-turn my head like a normal person.

  23. Massages are good when you know they’re going to make you feel good and you want special attention — other than that, keep your hands off… I’m not a toucher and never have been… same with my youngest daughter and we respected each other’s wishes… So sorry you’re having pain… will definitely put you in my prayers… come visit when you can…

  24. You could also try rolfing — I know, it sounds like an illness, but it’s all the rage now.

    Oh, and I’m incapable of relaxing either. I go to yoga and have the time I’m thinking about what I need to get done when I get out of there. Massages creep me out too. Especially having the rest my head where everybody else has been before to then come out with marks all of my face in the end. No thank you.

  25. I like messages, but the messager has to be a pussy.. Not a literal one, but a weak, wimpy person. Cause I don’t like those hard cram your finger into my neck messages, just a nice gentle relaxing one… great post!


  26. I LOVE massages. I had one this morning and I’m going to a spa next week where I will receive one everyday…and where I will learn to meditate if it fucking kills me. Too many stress things going on in my head, too.

    And about the profanity? Everyone knows “shoot” is just “shit with eyeglasses.”

  27. The PT kinda massage does suck, because it’s pretty much like
    getting the crap kicked out of you. But it does work! I did it and along with acupuncture, got rid of neck pain very much like you are having.
    Also – sleep on the flattest pillow you can, e.g. down (or faux down filled).

    Fucking feel better, and I mean that in the nicest of ways.

  28. I started a writing contest for bloggers to promote writer bloggers and yesterday I linked to the winning post. The word FUCK is in the post and I lost followers and subscribers because of it. OMFG! It drives me nuts.

    This lady wrote a funny post and the swearing made it even funnier in my opinion.

    Also I have never or will never get a message or a pedicure. I don’t like the thought of strangers touching me. Euw.

  29. I cannot stand massages. I am so ticklish in my neck, back, and shoulders that people touching me there under any circumstances make me twice as tense as before they started. Awful. Right now, I could probably use one, since I just finished a weekend of my family visiting and my little girl’s birthday party. My spine feels like it wants to find a new body. Plus I get tendonitis in my shoulder/neck. It’s a pain in the neck for sure.

    Also, enter me into the tshirt contest – that was an awesome video!

  30. Sounds like a tens machine, which is what my husband uses because his muscles are fubar. I have issues with relaxing too and I go to a spinal rehab place and get adjusted. It helps but it took a while for me to see results too.

  31. You hate Massages? Gah. I love them. I love me some accupuncture too. Maybe that would help?

    Thanks for the link to the mompetition blog. I had seen the first one (“Holy Shit. Do you know how disease works?”) and didn’t know there was MORE. Now I’ve spent an hour furtively watching them so my daughter doesn’t think the cartoons on the computer are ‘fun.’

  32. I became a follower over at mompetition, which, BTW, oh hell, how funny is text to film??!! Their sauce is strong! Also, your pain in the neck sounds as bad as a punch in the vag.

    Third, why did I get a call from a college student this afternoon who was simply giggling and saying, “Pubes, I just can’t get past the word pubes.”? Yeah, thanks so much for the tweet the house full of college students will never let me forget! 😉

  33. OK, the whole PT massage thing? I totally agree. I’ve been lucky enough to escape the full-body version, but just the limited version that the PT sadist did on my knee was enough. Especially when she added the part about wanting me to learn how to massage the incisions ‘so that you don’t develop scar tissue.’ WTF? You want me to deliberately TOUCH the places the doctor punched holes and mash down on them? Are you out of your tiny little mind?

    The cussing? Hell, I’m a lost cause. I spent 20 years working with cops. Then I went to work with plumbers, and then truck drivers. I just love it when someone says something to try to be shocking – they’re never prepared for someone to shock back. And I pretty much always win.

  34. I actually have a friend who hates to be touched in any way who decided to go to school to be a massage therapist. He quit after the first day saying he forgot he also didn’t like to touch other people. Your massage table picture is the bomb. What IS the center hole for?

  35. How can anyone get comfortable on a table like that? Couldn’t they just give you a shot of cortisone? I’m with you. PT is so slow. Just give me some fucking drugs already! Hope your neck gets better soon.

  36. I hurt my neck mine a car accident like….ummm…16 years ago. This whole thing sounded EXACTLY like what I went through! Bad news…it was 16 years ago and it still hurts. LIKE.RIGHT.NOW. Good news…I still get the good drugs! Hope yours feels better soon and stays that way!

  37. You know, my neck hurts all the motherfucking time too. I also ignore it. That is until it gives me a massive headache. It got so bad I went to a chiropractor. You know what happened? He fucked it up even more! Now it hurts in two places! Fuck you Mr. Chiropractor. O by the way, I just found your blog and I’m hooked.

  38. I hate massages too. I don’t like giving them and I LOATHE getting them. In fact, aside from sex (which I thoroughly enjoy), I really dislike human contact entirely.
    I hope it works for you, though. Pain sucks.

  39. PT totally does not suck! I will agree with the fact that the PT massages suck though, and trust me…we HATE giving them! Ask your therapist to send you home with a conventional TENS unit (a portable version of the “shocking” they do to you in the clinic). They are god’s gift to humanity! I have even killed my migranes with them many times, and from the first time I used one many years ago, I have been in love!

  40. First off, if no one else said it, allow me: I am PRO-fanity. HA! Okay, anyway. So my subconscious read your blog along with me yesterday and then I woke up today and I was all, hey what is that huge pain in the back of my neck and CLEARLY it’s because I am emulating you in the LEAST useful way possible. AWESOME. But I like massages, so I’ll hold my husband at gunpoint and turn off ESPN until I get one.

  41. As someone who’s currently in a metric fuck ton of pain from this morning’s PT session (and with 4 weeks of evidence that the 2nd day is always, always worse), I’m inclined to say, “Fuck PT!” too. Except that I feel really, really good on the 3rd day after a session. I just don’t know if this is any kind of permanent solution for my arthritis. And I don’t want to attend torture sessions twice a week indefinitely.

  42. Hate massages. Hate drugs. So, when I was in so much pain that I completely lost the use of my left arm, the husband dragged me to a chiro for the first time (after my regular dr. prescribed the drugs that make me barf. yay, excruciating pain AND barfing!). The guy is definitely beyond a little weird, but he fixed everything.

    I also hate getting pedicures (and pedicurists hate me: I kick), but I can do them myself just fine. Nice to know I’m not the only one out there.

  43. David and I hurt our backs before. I went to the ER and got meds. He went to the chiropractor and got no meds. I fought through the pain and won. He eventually took a trip to the ER. I have not ever been to physical therapy myself so I am not really sure what it’s like. I’m not a fan of going to the doctor, but I’d rather be medicated
    and exercise until my pain goes away.

  44. David and I hurt our backs before. I went to the ER and got meds. He went to the chiropractor and got no meds. I fought through the pain and won. He eventually took a trip to the ER. I have not ever been to physical therapy myself so I am not really sure what it’s like. I’m not a fan of going to the doctor, but I’d rather be medicated
    and exercise until my pain goes away.

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